Category Archives: self care

Living with Long Covid

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Picture of the eastern side path of Seward Park
Picture of the eastern side of Seward Park

Song of the post: The Four Seasons – Summer – Allegro non Molto. By Antonio Vivaldi

I took my physical health for granted

I caught the coronavirus in January 2022, during the omicron spike in the US. I saw it at work after I bought pizza for everyone on the first Friday of the week I was promoted to department lead. (Which later changed). My place of work is a tiny building, and the break room doesn’t have excellent airflow, so I likely caught it there when everyone was eating… Masks down. I can’t remember if I went outside to eat. Everyone was vaccinated, and some were boosted; I wasn’t boosted due to the high demand during the winter Omicron surge. While we have safety measures at work, and ownership was generous to offer us a couple of hundred dollar bonus for the initial vaccine, there never was a booster policy. I, along with others who were concerned, asked, but it never became a requirement.

Mid-January, I caught coronavirus and was out for two weeks.

I wasn’t boosted for lack of trying. I could have gotten one if I had shown up to specific locations with extra shots after they closed. The fact is that I didn’t. Testing at that time was complex; you had to go to a drive-thru location and hope they had open appointments. This was before the at-home tests became widespread in the US.

I haven’t been the same person since

Today is one of many days that I have had to call out sick because of Long Covid symptoms. I took a short hike with my mom on Sunday afternoon at our favorite local park: Seward Park. It’s a park on Lake Washington in Seattle, close enough to walk to, an excellent workout that will leave you sweaty, and a good couple of miles with varied terrain. I used to be able to walk there, walk the loop around the outside of the park, and back. Since January, I can walk 10 minutes on flat terrain and be okay.

Up until July, I could go to work and back on most days and crash when I get home. Combine this with the depression, anxiety, inflammation flareups, and PTSD as a result of how about a third of the world refusing to vaccine or distance… Or another third not putting on their mask correctly, and brain fog. And I haven’t followed up on treatment. Which didn’t yet exist because this condition is so new.

On Sunday, I went on a short, roughly 30-minute hike with my mom at Seward Park.

Turtles on a log on Lake Washington, from Seward Park.
If you zoom in, you’ll see several turtles on the log. From 2021

A refresher on Long Covid Symptoms

From CDC.GOV

General symptoms

  • Tiredness or fatigue that interferes with daily life
  • Symptoms that get worse after physical or mental effort (also known as “post-exertional malaise”)
  • Fever

Respiratory and heart symptoms

  • Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath
  • Cough
  • Chest pain
  • Fast-beating or pounding heart (also known as heart palpitations)

Neurological symptoms

  • Difficulty thinking or concentrating (sometimes referred to as “brain fog”)
  • Headache
  • Sleep problems
  • Dizziness when you stand up (lightheadedness)
  • Pins-and-needles feelings
  • Change in smell or taste
  • Depression or anxiety

Digestive symptoms

  • Diarrhea
  • Stomach pain

Other symptoms

  • Joint or muscle pain
  • Rash
  • Changes in menstrual cycles

Post-exertional malaise

In the past 8 months, I have had all of these symptoms except for rash, change in smell/taste, and menstrual cycles (for obvious reasons). The most common are: fatigue after effort, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems, and diarrhea. I have slowly gotten my energy back, and have more good days than bad, yet the condition hangs on.

On Sunday, I decided to go on a walk in Seward Park with my Mom. One of the things that my therapist suggested was to spend time in nature. When I was in therapy the last time, going to the park and walking for exercise did help. I have gotten out of doing both of these things due to my health. It has been a long time since I pushed myself to exercise. I have been doing short ten-minute walks a couple times a week at work. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah.. The walk at the park.

Dory, a metaphor for brain fog.

The Park

From Wikipedia: Seward Park is a municipal park in Seattle, Washington, United States. Located in the city neighborhood of the same name, it covers 300 acres (120 ha; 0.47 sq mi). The park occupies all of Bailey Peninsula, a forested peninsula that juts into Lake Washington. It contains one of the last surviving tracts of old-growth forest within the city of Seattle. The park is named after U.S. Secretary of State William Seward. The 300 acres (120 ha) of Seward Park have roughly 120 acres (49 ha) of surviving old growth forest, providing a glimpse of what some of the lake shore looked like before the city of Seattle was founded. With trees older than 250 years and many less than 200, the Seward Park forest is relatively young (the forests of Seattle before the city was fully mature were usually 1,000–2,000 years old).[1] Source

The Walk

Normally this walk, this is as the cliche goes… Is a walk in the park.

“walk in the park”:

Something that is easy to do or accomplish.

https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/walk+in+the+park

Normally, or life before I caught covid, I could easily walk any route around Seward Park and back. I would be sweaty and be tired from a long cardio workout, but nothing that I couldn’t recover from. If I would go the long route, walking there and back, on the longest route, this would be about a 60-90 minute brisk walk. Which has always been doable, even in recent times where I have been out of shape.

Ever since I caught covid in January, and later Long Covid, I haven’t been physically able to exercise outside of work and every day chores. Since July, I have been able to do 10 minute walks on breaks a couple times a week. So, I thought it would be okay to try some longer exercise.

That was a mistake.

I was mindful to pace myself and to not overdo it because I hadn’t pushed my body this hard in months.

Yet, after 15 minutes of slowly walking through the evergreen forest and windy trails common to the inner forest path we chose, I was dizzy, wheezing, my heart was pounding, and I had to stop to catch my breath. I felt like I was hiking a mountain or sprinting at full speed, not shuffling along like a snail on a gentle park trail. I have walked this trail and others in the park several times a year during the summer, every year of my life without any problem.

Turtle crawling slowly through sand

This time, I felt physically like I did shuffling around the hospital wing after I had a couple heart attacks as a severe side effect of Amphetamine based ADHD medication at age 22. (Thankfully I recovered, there was no damage to my heart, and all tests after said I was healthy). It was a struggle and I felt weak after. I really hope these current symptoms are not current heart problems because of Long Covid. I don’t get treated. I am more afraid of the insane cost of treating chronic health problems in our messed-up healthcare system.

Thankfully, my mother drove us to the park. I would not have been able to walk back.

Monday was Labor Day, so this was a short work week. Even so, I was only able to work two half days. All I could do Tuesday morning was to drag myself to shower and dress before I was too exhausted to continue. Even though I have slept more, and taken it easy, I’m still not recovered as I write this today, the following Saturday. Work has been great with my health issues, with me missing so much time this year and I’m very grateful to them for that. I’ll always have a little fear of being fired, even if there isn’t evidence that I will be, but I am glad to have their support. Thankfully, I have sick leave accrued, so I’ll be okay this time.

I contacted my doctors office, and did an E-visit checkup. There still isn’t a cure or a specific treatment for Long Covid, but they can treat symptoms. Hopefully I’ll get some answers at the next in person appointment later this month. Just like the pandemic as a whole, I have to wait for an unknown time for this to be over. Maybe this is how my life is from now on.

Distant hope for the future.

Yale researchers discover potential Long COVID causes and treatments

All things considered, my life is alright. I’d like it to be better, to be different. The struggle with this chronic condition is so hard. Especially because there isn’t a cure or specific medical treatment yet. A lot of days, I wonder if what I’m feeling is due to this condition or a flare-up of the preexisting depression or anxiety that I manage. Well, one day at a time. I’m so tired of being patient. I’m so tired of chronic health conditions that I have little control over. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.

It took me much longer than usual to write this week. It’s hard to write when your health gets in the way and you need to prioritize that. Do you or anyone you know struggle with Long Covid? Let me know in the comments! If you like this and are a new reader, subscribe below and checkout my latest posts! Thank you for reading!

August Burnout

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Image of a recently burned tree, exposing its vascular tissue. https://www.instagram.com/p/CaDeLdsh9PT/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=
Source, how I have felt lately. Image of a recently burned tree, exposing its vascular tissue. Maybe this is why I’ve been eating so much pasta in recent days.

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called life -Prince

It’s no wonder I’ve been burned out… It seems to be something I’ve experienced around August for the past three years. See these posts:

Burned out
Burnout 2021
Man getting shot by hundreds of arrows at once

The above gif and prince song are a metaphor for my life this month. The arrows are emotional.

I’m covered in arrows, in pain, from multiple sources.

My brother has had a severe back injury that he can’t get treated for due to legal complications. A double trigger due to dad dying almost 20 years ago in a car accident… Which resulted in a lawsuit against our family. This wasn’t my brother’s fault, thankfully. It’s tough to see him suffering. On top of that, he caught covid. He recovered, but it was a tough couple of weeks there.

My mother is recovering from an accident at work which resulted in her going to the ER to get stitches. She’s doing better now but still healing from bruises. That was tough to see her hurt. Especially since she’s getting older, she’s still a go-getter.

Naturally I’ve been worried about both of them.

Current Mood... I just want to sleep and do nothing.

The quest for inner peace, to heal

I have been exhausted this month. Between my family being injured, the heat, being isolated, and grief. I think I’m finally in the last stages of healing from my past major breakups.

Me lately in this heatwave.

I’m not sure if I still have long covid, or all this mental and physical fatigue is from recent events or depression.

It’s a great thing that I’m in therapy again. It will be better going forward because I’m on viibryd, an antidepressant again.

I’ve had trouble writing so I’m going to do something different here and express myself in pictures since my head hurts trying to think.

Various mental health pictures that describe me lately…

Repeatedly obsessing over previous failures, childhood mistakes, and past arguments is a sign that you seek moral perfection, i.e. a clean slate. This unrealistic goal causes panic and guilt when you think you are in the wrong and masking your nature through fear of rejection. @autisticblackgirl
I see a lot of chatter about people learing about themselves from the Internet, and people don't realize the privilege of growing up in a place where your experience is the norm. Some of us experienced being our full selves online before we could translate that in real life. - Twitter
Word of the day is 'latibulate' (17th century): to hide in a corner in an attempt to escape reality.
When you're on sensory overload and someone tried to interact with you: Stop...
Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place. -Pinterest.
Sometimes walls are there so we can lean on them and rest. https://i.pinimg.com/originals/59/91/92/599192e2bfc9ed881ff550a6e2a6e4de.jpg

I hope that soon I will not feel awful and be able to write longer posts. Sometimes your health comes first, and when you have a chronic illness such as Long covid, and unpredictable migraines, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself.

Here is a post that doesn’t have many views, but is one I treasure. It’s about my late cat Flip, who was a dear kitty that was part of my life for 18 years.

Remembering Flip.

Tell me how you feel about this post in the comments. Can you relate to these images? Have you experienced these feelings below? Let me know!

I have a post scheduled for tomorrow that I’m really proud of and excited to share. Please be sure to subscribe below to not miss it!

Thanks, Migraine.

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Make it stop. An image about how migraines feel to experience. Like your head explodes.

So much for previous plans…

So, I’ve been useless for the past 36 hours or so. Looking back, it makes sense why I had a minor headache on Thursday. It makes sense why I had trouble focusing Thursday night and had interrupted sleep. Why I woke up exhausted and sleepy on Friday and couldn’t concentrate? I had a migraine. I’ve been recovering since. I was sleeping all day in a dark, quiet room.

While I don’t feel pain as long as I don’t focus… I have a migraine hangover today. I saw a meme that describes it best: it’s like being drunk without any of the benefits and being hungover simultaneously. This results in at least two days I can’t do much. Thankfully I don’t get migraines as often anymore, but it still sucks.

Maybe it’s because it’s been hot, and on Thursday night/Friday morning the barometric pressure changed. Or just because.

A brain slug on Hermes. Source Futurama.

So, I’ll likely be better in a couple of days.

Unique Opportunity: Epilogue

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It’s been a long time since I feel I did something trophy worthy.

I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

I’m starting to feel fantastic positive feelings as a result of writing that essay. I achieved a goal I wanted. This victory shows that I am capable of so much more. This shows that all the inner work I’ve done has paid off.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/08/02/a-unique-opportunity-part-2/

Part 1:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/05/12/a-unique-opportunity/

This blog post is part 3 of a series of posts about this experience

I have an article in a newspaper! I told my story and hopefully will help change the world for the better. Holy shit. That’s a big deal!

This is evidence of how great a writer I could be. I had a lot of help from the Seattle Times journalist. This situation shows me that I can grow as a writer. I stood up and spoke out about problems in the mental health system. I’ll be helping someone else struggling. It feels good to help others by speaking up.

What a big deal! …

Someone told me "whenever your life is feeling stagnant or as if nothing is happening, that means you're being given the time & space to heal & release the baggage that you cannot carry to where you're meant to go soon..." I haven't looked at shit the same since.

Follow up details

I need to add details to the last post and the article. I didn’t mean to overlook these details. Ever have that feeling after a conversation where you remember something after the fact? That’s been me since Monday.

I did have successes in therapy. I feel I discounted how much of an impact therapy has had when it does work. I was able to work through so much with my therapist and everyone at Sound.

They had great groups and any support you needed. I can’t say enough how grateful I am to Sound Mental Health in this therapy journey. Life from April 2020 to June 2021 was good. That’s because I was in therapy. That’s because the zoom groups were so great. Those kept me going despite the lockdown social distance phase of the pandemic. I attempted to return for treatment there; however, they only take Medicaid. Disappointing that I couldn’t continue… But I get it. Those on Medicaid who need therapy need great providers the most. Just as I did during my time there.

Groups were helpful and supportive at Valley Cities while I was there. I really enjoyed the activities and the people. The employee turnover and changing therapists was too much for me. I wish I could have found that therapist match there. Oh well. I got some helpful skills out of this disappointment.

Back in 2009, I had a favorable year-long therapy treatment that helped. We worked through PTSD I was experiencing then. A year later, I recovered from PTSD through exposure therapy. It’s what I needed at the time.

Ah… I should have accepted the suggestion by the reporter to say something positive about therapy. I hope I didn’t mislead anyone about my experience. Therapy can help. It is maddening to get that help you need.

My problem has been how hard it was to get started, get comfortable, and progress in therapy. It’s been a long roller coaster ride I didn’t want. I was frustrated because now I know how it feels to be healed. What it feels like to have your work pay off. I have become better. I’ve become a better man. I never thought life could feel so fulfilling. I forgot how success feels to achieve something difficult with persistence and hard work. Therapy became my higher power. The dream is to heal all the trauma, fix the suffering as a side effect of mental illness, and break the line of generational trauma.

Faith is an act of trust in the unknown. Alan Watts
I’m not big on faith or spirituality, so posting thus is significant.

I’m choosing to take this as proof that I have grown as a person. I’m enough of an adult to take care of myself by finding a therapist. I know that I can follow through and win. I know there is more to dream about. I know that I want more from life.

I wouldn’t be here without therapy, psychology, the internet, and not giving up despite the heartbreak. All the therapists and social workers all the way. I didn’t give up at my lowest. I somehow held on. I wouldn’t be here without all the excellent support from my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side of the family. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cousins. I wouldn’t be here without blogging. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cats. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my mom or brother. I wouldn’t be here with my friends. I am here because I had so much support along the way. The pandemic has shown how many good people I have in my life.

This is a victory for my values. A concept I learned with my previous therapist. This is a life-changing victory on all levels for me. I am more capable than I ever thought possible. I stood up for better mental health. I stood up for better healthcare. I stood up for civil rights. I stood up for personal accountability. I did it because it felt like the right thing to do.

I’m back in the arena, ready for the next mountain to climb.

I’ve become a published writer in a big publisher!

I’m the first family member to be published in the Northwest section of the Seattle Times! My mother, the poet, hasn’t done this. She’s been writing for 40-plus years. My cousins won state championships in high school basketball but they never did this. Nobody on either side of my family has achieved this.

I have made it, and the 15 minutes of fame are over. It was nice while it lasted. I’m grateful to have wrote that. I’m grateful for the experience.

Source

I’m back to square zero. I gotta figure out the next goal. What do I desire?

Days in a Life

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Picture of an Ihealth covid-19 test. Result, Negative.
The first result was negative for covid. This is the home test supplied by the American government. There is hope in our cloudy future.

Or waiting for the results 2022…

What a busy day. It’s 10:54pm Friday, and I’m in bed trying to sleep. Cue: The Beatles – A day in the life.

Been here before with a negative result and a positive result. This possible result could be worse than the positive test result for covid. There are scarier diseases in the world than covid. I simply now know what’s going on with me right now. That’s the problem of diagnosing health issues online with duckduckgo or any search engine. It could be a cold or rare cancer that a thousand people have worldwide. To be safe, I texted out from work.

Friday was test day…

A PCR covid test, a dentist appointment, and an STD test. I had no idea I’d need the latter a week ago, this time because I was a virgin. A former 36-year-old virgin. I’ve mentioned it on the blog… I think I’ve mentioned it on the blog. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. 😂🤣😎. Gotta laugh at your own stupid jokes. Guess I had to get a fuck to not give a fuck, hahaha. 😉

…

Okay, I’ll stop.

I’ve talked about it online anonymously. Me being a virgin, that is. Other than that, I’ve only told a friend I lost contact with and my pandemic therapist. I don’t talk about it because it’s embarrassing. After a certain age, you are mocked or thought of as less of a man by women and men. My biggest secret is that I’ve only felt safe discussing online with other virgins and masked. In a future post, I’ll write more about my long experience as a wizard (a man over 30 that is a virgin). For now, I’ll say that I was a safe and consensual one-night stand. Suffice it to say I’ve been really happy.

Tried for a long time to lose it in a romantic relationship… It is what it is.

Some coworkers know I got laid because they were at the bar for the punk rock show, but not the significance. I didn’t feel comfortable saying so. Gotta stay professional and be careful with my sharing in real life. I feel comfortable blogging about not because this is a safe space.

The fact is that I’m single and don’t have a girlfriend. This one-night stand is in the past. I hope that I have an official girlfriend soon. I’m 36, and this was a wonderful gift. I deserve good things too. I deserve a woman who says she wants to date me. Who wants me. I’m done wasting my time with women who don’t want me. Or with anyone who doesn’t want to be my friend or wants to be in my life. Show up, or show yourself out. I’m saying this from a place of calm self-acceptance. What if it all works out?

I’m not getting any younger. I have goals to work towards. I have wanted this all my life. I’m a regular dude and a good man. I’m not giving up this peace or confidence.

Austin Powers: I am a sexy beast!
Groovy Baby! Yeah! 🥰 Finally!

I feel comfortable sharing on the blog because it’s the one place I have control. This is my place in the world. By taking ownership of this aspect of this piece of information about me, it makes me strong. One of the big reasons why I blog is self-acceptance by making sense of the unknown. When I started blogging, I was at rock bottom and completely alone… I felt alone. In any case, I’ve written enough. I’m doing well. No need to dig up the past. It’s gone. I’m not a virgin. I’m not that immature person anymore.

It gets easier quote and clip from Bojack Horseman
It gets easier.

Saturday morning, the results… Russian roulette-style:

The wheel spinning on the Price is right. One contestant falls down, another contestant is jumping up and down in excitement.
The title feels right but maybe too grim. Hopefully, this will ease some tension?

I wouldn’t know my fate until today, 05/28,2022…

Covid PCR results: Negative.

This is how healthcare in the world should be. Free. Or very low cost, with no wait. Click. Empty chamber.

STD test results: Negative.

Thank goodness. These were the tests I was most afraid of.

The urgent care location I went to is not covered by the insurance network… I’m so tired of health insurance bullshit.

Maybe I can bill through them or as a tax deduction. Life has been expensive this month.

I called my insurance company nurse line, and while the initial person took the time to connect me to the right department, She couldn’t get an appointment until 10pm in south Renton… Which I couldn’t do on Friday. I was too wiped out by sickness, too stressed to do an in-depth analysis of my options, and barely made it to drive downtown for same-day urgent care STD testing… ASAP.

Continuing the Russian roulette theme… Two clicks, empty chambers.

Dentist appointment results: Negative. A clean bill of health. Empty chamber.

Veterinarian results for Coco: no signs of a UTI. Tests clear.

She might have a heart murmur or heart condition. The estimated cost is $700+ at the vet I go to. God damnit. How is this fair? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Fuck You, capitalism. Fuck you for doing this. Sigh. I’ll deal with this a bit later.

So maybe something might happen with my dear kitty. I sure hope not.

In summary: I’m okay!

Rip savings.🥲

Danny Daveedo walking away from an explosion, money rains down.

P.S. About Life, & …

There’s this cultural meme in dating/relationships that whatever song you hear when you meet is to become your song. For me, after I was walking home after my one-night stand… It was When doves cry by Prince.

I’m reading the lyrics to When doves cry, and wow! What a coincidence that I happened to hear this song that night. It’s amazing how music can sometimes describe your life at the moment.

Even the parts of life I keep private have gone well. Been a good week again, despite the challenges of life.

Prince the musician in costume playing guitar

Prince

While we are on the subject of Prince… Or the artist formerly known as Prince, I’m a late fan and didn’t know or really appreciate him until the last few years. Which, man. I missed out. Prince is awesome. If you can search for Prince – Super Bowl XLI halftime show on youtube. I can’t link it here, but trust me. This halftime show and live music performance is legendary. And the event documentary of it, too, by the NFL. One last thing. This comedy spoof bit by Dave Chappelle about Prince is hilarious! A cultural millennial legend.

(If you can’t see it in your country, It’s called “Chappelle’s Show – Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories – Prince – Uncensored.)

What a week! Maybe this means the time is close for a girlfriend? Certainly ready for friends of all types! 😮 (Maybe these symptoms, me feeling sick is too long, covid or a cold. Everything else is ruled out. Oh well.)

Finally, I’m a man in all aspects of life. Victory! 🏁🏆

Single and ready to mingle. I also don’t remember when I felt so comfortable with myself. The last time I had so much attention from women. A big deal for me because I’ve been a nerdy, socially anxious, depressed, shy man, most of my life. Fuck yeah. 😁❤️

In the meantime, I’m getting extra rest this holiday weekend! Excuse me as I leave to jam out to Prince.

Thanks for reading! I would like to hear from you about a time you had days like this. You can subscribe below.

Copyright 2022.

Pot Hole

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Picture of a road filled with potholes. From: https://www.wethegoverned.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/rogh-road-potholes.jpg
This post originally had a different title, but after adding this photo it made sense to name it as it is. Because I work in pot, and I tripped up in a “pothole”.
Tweet by @SteveBartlettSC You have to be able to admit when you're being the toxic one, when your insecurities are controlling your behavior and you're being unfair. Blame is great for your ego, responsibility is great for your future.

Made a classic rookie mistake… Overshared an email.

Song one of the post: Shame, Shame by Foo Fighters:

This week I made a big mistake at work. It is my fault, and I accept the consequences. I sent an email about an issue and sent it to too many people. I am breaking the chain of command. As a result, losing face with upper bosses due to the timing and content of the email. This message should have been limited to specific people, and I overstepped the lines of my job. Thus, I had a verbal warning meeting (from context, I believe this is the case) about how and why I messed up. This is the first time in my working life that I have had this happen to me. A conduct meeting about my actions as a manager (This being my first manager job) and the consequences of my efforts on the company. I am working on drafting an apology and prepared to make amends for anything my supervisors want me to do or not to do. I know that the best apology is changed behavior. Hopefully, this can be an excellent first step to repairing this relationship.

Coincidentally, I was off work yesterday and today because I scheduled the Covid booster for April 14th, about what I assume is three months after I first caught Covid. This time off couldn’t have come better with things hot at work. I have been thinking hard and reviewing past mistakes to see if there is a pattern of behavior that I need to improve.

I originally had a paragraph focused on past job mistakes that I deleted. I was in a writers knot and decided to catch up reading blogs I follow, and this gem of a post by Anthonia’s Blog was perfect timing:

https://anthoniasblog.wordpress.com/2022/04/14/have-you-made-any-mistake/

So flagellating myself online and shooting the second arrow at myself isn’t productive. That is not who I am anymore, and I have had enough of hurting myself and others this way. By staying in the past, in pain, I am not growing, I am not healing, and I am not living in the present. I am not moving forward.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is an unavoidable part of life. All I can do is choose my response and choose my behavior.

Learning Boundaries by example.

No does not mean "Convince me".

Boundaries and communication is a skill I am working on. It’s been a life journey.

This situation has me feeling cautious about how to proceed to communicate. I think I’m on thin ice and need to be careful how I respond. On the one hand: I want to demonstrate through words that I understand what I did, take accountability by apologizing with amends, and how I will proceed going forward at work. On the other hand, I want to respectfully stand up for myself, ask follow-up questions, and respond. A core of this problem is miscommunication. For now, I’m sad and mad.

Though I am upset and let down by myself for my mistake and the verbal warning, what hurts most is finding out that my job is different than what was initially told to me. My company made this new position, I assume, for me after I was moved after three weeks at my previous post. I was told I’m better suited for analytical work and that this would be a lateral move. It’s not. It’s to a lower position, a clear step-down, essentially what I assume is an assistant manager role. Which is not what I was told and not explicitly said. This was after I asked for clarification from my boss since the job description was light. I feel irritated and misled as I think this should have been crystal clear. Now I am underneath the department in which I was previously manager. That is something that should be said at the beginning. I’m disappointed because I can’t trust or see those above me the same as before.

Silver lining.

This situation has its upsides. It allows me to see how to set boundaries and fairly communicate them to others. It has shown me my job and not what I assumed it was. It has made me ask myself: What do you want? It reminded me of what I am at this job for. It is a job and a place I enjoy working at. It is a conditional relationship. Therefore…

You either quit or keep going. They both hurt. Read that again. - unknown author.

I am staying, but I am adjusting. I am refocusing my energy on my job duties and life instead of work. I will do the job to the best of my ability as I currently am, but I will use that excess energy on things in my life that need it. I have neglected important aspects of my life to focus on work, and I have pushed those thoughts aside. I did need that time to master this new position, but that time has passed. From now on, I will only do what is in my job description, nothing else. That is the impression I get from work, so that is what they get.

Take no shit, do no harm.

Song two of the post: 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton.

Get vaccinated and boosted.

April Springs Anew

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Shout-out to the people who haven't felt okay lately but get up every day and refuse to quit. You got this

It feels like a new chapter in life

Soon as I recover from long covid (gotta stay positive and wish for the best), I need to move. It’s been a goal of mine for years. I haven’t due to my mental health and constantly being in survival mode for work. A mix of Murphy’s law and things not working out. Life…

That’s settled in the past. I feel stable and confident with life again. (It’s been a long time since I felt like this. So long it feels unusual but familiar). I have work concerns, and I’m anxious about the managers’ meeting, but that’s normal, even for a good job. I like where I’m at—finally, the right thing at the right time. There’s a rumor that the trimmer crew will be moving up to the farm, which is about a 90 minutes drive (or longer during rush hour). That includes me in this new manager job. I’ll find out this week. I don’t want or like a long commute. I want to keep working at this company, so it’s a condition I am willing to accept. It will give me the motivation to go forward with moving.

(I had a playlist, but it looks like its only showing a preview. So… I had to redo it on youtube.)

Photo of a blooming cherry tree in a park, shot from the driver's side of a car. In picture is the driver's side mirror, giving a perspective of past and future.
Photo of a blooming cherry tree in a park, shot from the driver’s side of a car. In picture is the driver’s side mirror, giving a perspective of past and future.

A change of scenery

It’s long past the time I move out. I’ve felt this way before. I couldn’t do anything about it because of not have work I could emotionally rely on. This is the only home I’ve lived in. The only place I’ve lived. I need to be on my own. I’ve been here too long; I don’t feel like I belong in this neighborhood. Seattle feels stale to me too. There are many other places which would be better. Rent will be expensive, but I am capable of making it happen. It’s going to hurt leaving the family cat, Lucy. I’ll miss Lucy so much. It’s going to be painful to break her heart. I will have to split up Lucy and Coco. I will miss mom, but I can come to visit. Not sure if Lucy will forgive me, being a cat. Eventually, I want to adopt a second cat for more company and a (hopefully) buddy for Coco.

I have to do this. I’ve noticed that when coming home from work, I feel progressively worse as I get closer to home. I’ve seen a constant low depression/anxiety/ and uncomfortable feeling being home with no reason to. I can be myself there at work, outside here at home, not. It’s simply not the place for me any longer. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t feel I can be the best version of myself here. Or live the life I want. I’ll still be me, and wherever I go, there I am. I’ve changed, and the neighborhoods changed. We’re on different paths.

With the covid situation here improving and my health improving, I can finally start toward this goal. It’s been one setback or letdown after another over the past four years. I can also have a social life and become more comfortable with the autistic pieces of me. Some things are not the same over zoom versus in person. I’m already experiencing this at work as I open myself up to others and feel safe.

This was the first Saturday where I felt an average amount of exhaustion. We did deep cleaning at work on Friday for a couple of hours, which was necessary. Once again, my boss showed up ready to do the dirty work with supplies and lunch—mad respect for that. I think the detailed cleaning triggered physical fatigue. So, while my physical condition is improving, and the day to getting boosted is close, I still got to be mindful.

Damn you long covid!

I haven’t been able to forgive myself

Tweet: Got to accept shit for what it is even if it's not what you want it to be.

For the relationship war crimes, I committed to a former friend. I’m guilty.

I don’t want to feel like this. I like this pain to be over. After two years, the pain has slowly lessened, but it comes up if I’m triggered or have flashbacks.

I don’t like hating myself for how badly I let my feelings get the best of me.

I’m tired of this loop replaying in my mind.

I don’t like being stuck in the past with this.

I have and am doing the work to being a better human and working on myself, communicating my needs, listening, and being mindful of others’ needs and addressing the grief, the ruminating thoughts, and fighting back against it.

I’m not a victim. I’m human. I make mistakes. I learn from them, at my own pace. This is due to me. I am responsible for that.

I can’t change the past. I can change the present and, therefore, the future.

I want this suffering to be over.

This is my mess, my journey. My choices led to this point. I have to remind myself to keep moving forward. Let me face my feelings and experience each moment. This is the consequence of my actions.

That relationship is broken and can’t be fixed. It’s far too late for that. All I can do is continue to change my behavior to be a better human in the future. I have since and continue to be, better.

These shame-powered flashbacks are setbacks and not full-stop roadblocks. I must remind myself that these triggers are happening less and less as time goes on. It’s factor that I’m vulnerable to this rumination because of my body fighting long covid. It’s a rarity.

I watched Rocky Balboa recently… Kind of the perfect movie for my mood at the time, and not feeling physically well. This scene is an excellent speech about life.

Just have to keep getting up and moving forward. Lots of good is happening. It’s challenging because it’s inner growth. That is progress. I am grateful. Noticing “good” is just as important as seeing “bad.” Keep moving forward.

Guilt, regret, resentment, sadness and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence. Eckhart Tolle.

I need to practice self-compassion and be kinder to myself. Having long Covid has been difficult. I’m not over it. Being mindful of my health has been a daily, hourly thing. Today has felt long, and I’m tired as I type this at 10:27 pm Wednesday. Yeah, you don’t have all life mastered or figured out. That’s okay. It’s okay to live one day at a time!

Post Covid

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Picture of Globe being held up by disposable gloved hands, and has a facemask.
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Coronavirus we finally meet.

I write this as I had to take the day off work due to exhaustion. I left early yesterday because I was tired after a half day of work, despite it being an easy day. Covid fatigue feels like you’ve done a hard workout recently or worked a tough work week, and it’s Friday night… But you haven’t done either of those things. I’m okay; I must remind myself to pace myself as I fully recover over the next month and a half. I hope I don’t have long covid. Time will tell.

Covid. The first week was the hardest. I was the sickest I’ve ever been. I was pretty useless that first week. It wasn’t easy to do basic tasks like cooking. I do it; then I feel like I just ran a 100-meter dash and was wiped out. Slowly over week two, I started to recover and was gradually able to do basic tasks without being short of breath, with the other covid symptoms such as fatigue, weakness, exhaustion, fever, chills, cough, brain fog, and terror of wondering if this is it? That very same week, I learned that my cousin died from Covid. Debra was killed on Christmas. She wasn’t vaccinated. What a horrible tragedy. I had to miss her service because I caught Covid. I had some risk factors, such as being Obese. I gained 20 pounds last year (or maybe since the pandemic started, time feels weird these days. Dunno if this is a side effect of recovery from Coronavirus or living in a pandemic. I need to lose weight this year.) I want to visit her grave soon.

You just don’t know what will happen to you if you catch it. Don’t gamble your life to it. Get vaccinated.

I put those hours of doom scrolling to use by trying every possible treatment I could.

1) Being vaccinated ASAP. It’s likely I caught Covid when I did, because I’m not boosted.

2) Drinking freshly made lemon-ginger tea with copious honey.

3) Max amount of extra strength cough syrup.

4) Drinking weed tea. Not activated, as edibles typically are, but ground dried flower. It seems to work, as I felt a big difference an hour after it had taken effect. I wasn’t high (I didn’t want to be, and it’s not wise to smoke with a respiratory disease)

5) increased rest, and lots of water.

6) Taking an additional 5k IU Vitamin D every day and an additional 1-2 Turmeric-Ginger supplements.

I had two doctor’s appointments in December; both were canceled. First, my doctor was sick, then me four weeks later. After that, I was busy with work. Please don’t make my mistake and get the vaccine booster. If nothing else, when you catch Covid, it won’t be as bad or have the worse effects.

I’m recovered, but my body hasn’t caught up. My energy isn’t all back, but that’s to be expected two weeks from it. I pushed myself too much by returning to work and going full speed.

Song of the post: Down with the sickness by Disturbed.

Back from the break

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Tweet: Sorry for not keeping in touch, I have literally nothing to say.

I’m back blogging

I’m not sure what else to say here. The time off helped.

I’m not entirely refreshed about writing/blogging. Not having to do it for three weeks was necessary. I’m hard on myself whenever I mess up—a recovering perfectionist.

I needed that break. It forced me to do other fulfilling activities, such as cooking instead. My brain needed a rest.

I don’t know how often I’ll be putting out posts… For now, all I know is that I’m back to a regular schedule. I need deadlines and routines to function. I’m finally feeling comfortable at work and am starting to notice some headspace to think about other things.

It’s taken me a long time to be comfortable at work. At a place, I like working at. That’s a big deal for me.

I have to trust the process and appreciate the small steps. So, this post is the best I can do.

Long term, I’ll have to schedule breaks in the future.

Thank you for continuing to support the blog!

Correction: I’m taking a 3 week break

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I feel I posted the last post too soon, and I over reacted. I don’t want to be impulsive like that, so I feel this is a reasonable compromise.

I do need a long break, but not like this. Therapy will help. A longer break to allow me to focus on improving my personal life is just what I need.

I need to reconnect with offline life, family, friends, and myself.

Thanks for understanding.

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