Category Archives: Failure

Moving Mountains

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Mountain reflected on a lake at night, when the stars are out
Source

I’m seeking a new mountain to climb.

I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/existential-blog-crisis/

TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.

The problem now…

I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?

Am I really mature enough?

Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.

I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.

Am I ready for a different life?

Woman saying: I'm sorry, I'm not ready to do that.

I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.

I’m not happy with my life.

I’m tired of “just existing.”

I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.

The state of the world has worn me out.

Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.

I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.

Read the article below and had an epiphany.

View at Medium.com

I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.

No wonder I’m going crazy.

I’m both of the following:

The Love Addict
If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.

So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.

From above article

“The Love Avoidant
If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.

An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that

Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs
Intimacy is smothering, and
I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much
You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.

Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.

Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”

Same article
Chris Farley saying "good, great."

I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)

Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!

Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️

Is my purpose for suffering?

Maybe I am a monster.

I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.

I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.

I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?

What have I done?

I hope it’s not too late.

😦

I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains

“I change myself, I change the world.”

Gloria Anzaldua Source

Have I really changed for the better?

Why do I keep fucking up?

I’m the problem.

Nobody is going to save me.

Nobody is going to stop me.

I’m on my own.

Are there pebbles I can move to get rid of this mountain range?

I don’t deserve better because I haven’t achieved better in life. All anyone is, is this current moment. Right now.

Will you keep making excuses, or will you do something about yourself, your life Reilly?

Be a man and move some pebbles. Or languish underneath them while the stones pile on.

What’s wrong with me?

Gordon Ramsey saying: Get your shit together

Who are you going to be?

I hope this post isn’t a mistake…

Great. I’m depressed. 🙃😥 Sigh.

Pot Hole

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Picture of a road filled with potholes. From: https://www.wethegoverned.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/rogh-road-potholes.jpg
This post originally had a different title, but after adding this photo it made sense to name it as it is. Because I work in pot, and I tripped up in a “pothole”.
Tweet by @SteveBartlettSC You have to be able to admit when you're being the toxic one, when your insecurities are controlling your behavior and you're being unfair. Blame is great for your ego, responsibility is great for your future.

Made a classic rookie mistake… Overshared an email.

Song one of the post: Shame, Shame by Foo Fighters:

This week I made a big mistake at work. It is my fault, and I accept the consequences. I sent an email about an issue and sent it to too many people. I am breaking the chain of command. As a result, losing face with upper bosses due to the timing and content of the email. This message should have been limited to specific people, and I overstepped the lines of my job. Thus, I had a verbal warning meeting (from context, I believe this is the case) about how and why I messed up. This is the first time in my working life that I have had this happen to me. A conduct meeting about my actions as a manager (This being my first manager job) and the consequences of my efforts on the company. I am working on drafting an apology and prepared to make amends for anything my supervisors want me to do or not to do. I know that the best apology is changed behavior. Hopefully, this can be an excellent first step to repairing this relationship.

Coincidentally, I was off work yesterday and today because I scheduled the Covid booster for April 14th, about what I assume is three months after I first caught Covid. This time off couldn’t have come better with things hot at work. I have been thinking hard and reviewing past mistakes to see if there is a pattern of behavior that I need to improve.

I originally had a paragraph focused on past job mistakes that I deleted. I was in a writers knot and decided to catch up reading blogs I follow, and this gem of a post by Anthonia’s Blog was perfect timing:

https://anthoniasblog.wordpress.com/2022/04/14/have-you-made-any-mistake/

So flagellating myself online and shooting the second arrow at myself isn’t productive. That is not who I am anymore, and I have had enough of hurting myself and others this way. By staying in the past, in pain, I am not growing, I am not healing, and I am not living in the present. I am not moving forward.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is an unavoidable part of life. All I can do is choose my response and choose my behavior.

Learning Boundaries by example.

No does not mean "Convince me".

Boundaries and communication is a skill I am working on. It’s been a life journey.

This situation has me feeling cautious about how to proceed to communicate. I think I’m on thin ice and need to be careful how I respond. On the one hand: I want to demonstrate through words that I understand what I did, take accountability by apologizing with amends, and how I will proceed going forward at work. On the other hand, I want to respectfully stand up for myself, ask follow-up questions, and respond. A core of this problem is miscommunication. For now, I’m sad and mad.

Though I am upset and let down by myself for my mistake and the verbal warning, what hurts most is finding out that my job is different than what was initially told to me. My company made this new position, I assume, for me after I was moved after three weeks at my previous post. I was told I’m better suited for analytical work and that this would be a lateral move. It’s not. It’s to a lower position, a clear step-down, essentially what I assume is an assistant manager role. Which is not what I was told and not explicitly said. This was after I asked for clarification from my boss since the job description was light. I feel irritated and misled as I think this should have been crystal clear. Now I am underneath the department in which I was previously manager. That is something that should be said at the beginning. I’m disappointed because I can’t trust or see those above me the same as before.

Silver lining.

This situation has its upsides. It allows me to see how to set boundaries and fairly communicate them to others. It has shown me my job and not what I assumed it was. It has made me ask myself: What do you want? It reminded me of what I am at this job for. It is a job and a place I enjoy working at. It is a conditional relationship. Therefore…

You either quit or keep going. They both hurt. Read that again. - unknown author.

I am staying, but I am adjusting. I am refocusing my energy on my job duties and life instead of work. I will do the job to the best of my ability as I currently am, but I will use that excess energy on things in my life that need it. I have neglected important aspects of my life to focus on work, and I have pushed those thoughts aside. I did need that time to master this new position, but that time has passed. From now on, I will only do what is in my job description, nothing else. That is the impression I get from work, so that is what they get.

Take no shit, do no harm.

Song two of the post: 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton.

Get vaccinated and boosted.

I feel like quitting blogging

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Grim, huh? But the Truth.

This has been something bothering me for a long time. But after reading this post by Renard’s World (and a few related linked posts at the end)…

https://renardsworld.wordpress.com/2021/09/04/6-questions-that-bloggers-should-ask-themselves/#more-5338

It’s clear that I don’t love blogging. I do love interacting with fellow bloggers in the comments, but that’s about it. I guess I started the blog as a way to express myself and connect with others in the world, and to find out if I was any good at this. I was hoping to finally be good at something. I’ve kinda achieved those.

I don’t know why I do this, or why anyone would want to read this blog.

I don’t see what benefit improving anything would change.

If I’m being honest, I don’t love myself. I’m burned out on life. Having multiple mental illnesses doesn’t help. Not being able to trust others doesn’t help. I just kinda exist for the sake of it. So, I guess I need a bunch of further time in therapy to change myself. Having regular therapy helped me last year in being consistent.

I don’t know what I want from life. I wish that “nothing” was an acceptable answer. All I know is that blogging isn’t fulfilling or helpful to me for now.

EDIT: This was a bit rash, and too much. I’m going to take a three week break instead of indefinite.

You can always reach me by email or in the comments. The blog email is in the “Contact” page. Thank you for reading.

Tinder saga part 1: Did I mess up?

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Today I fucked up…

I was texting this woman I matched with on Tinder. It was a nice converstation between us that was going well. Until I fucked up… Maybe its simply not to be, and she clicked with someone else.

Last weekend I was browsing Spotify for new music and I find this song:

… Without doing much research about the song.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice%27s_Restaurant

Just quickly browsing the wikipedia article has these gems at the top: “Characteristics: Guthrie refers to the incident as a “massacree“, a colloquialism originating in the Ozark Mountains[5] that describes “an event so wildly and improbably and baroquely messed up that the results are almost impossible to believe”. It is a corruption of the word massacre, but carries a much lighter and more sarcastic connotation, rather than describing anything involving actual death.[6]“

Prologue: Guthrie explains that his friend Alice owns a restaurant, but adds that “Alice’s Restaurant” is the name of the song, not the business. He then sings the chorus, which is in the form of a jingle for the restaurant, beginning “You can get anything you want at Alice’s restaurant”, and continuing with directions to it.

I hope this is just anxiety!

Did I just imply that she’s so fucked up, it’s impossible to believe? And “you can get anything you want from her? Aka a slut? What the fuck did I do? Well, that and not respond for 5 days. No wonder she took her picture off her whatsapp profile…

This was the worst choice of song to suggest to someone, along with the awful shit I said. I hope I didn’t harass her! Fuck. I fucked up.

Oof… I can’t believe I said something so stupid… And now I can’t message her to apologize for being an asshole!

She unmatched me on Tinder. Boy I fucked up.

So, I will apologize here. Hopefully I can teach someone else not to be an asshole online over text! And if you make a mistake, apologize immediately. Dear Match from Tinder, I am so sorry for what I said on {day happened} I regret sending those last __ messages. I’m sorry. Maybe you will never read this, but I am so sorry. I won’t contact you again, and went ahead and deleted your info on Whatsapp. I apologize for being your first impression of a person on Tinder. 😑

I know that dating is a journey, and that failure is the way to grow, but so soon sucks. Hopefully this is nothing. Merely incompatibility.

Thankfully, I still have 1 match I’m taking to. I hope it continues to go well!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, so this is what happened… 😬 Thanks Zoewiezoe!:

  2. Hiya Rielly. This is your path forward. Never stop moving. Yep, been kind of distracted here but there are bunch…

Damn, I was ghosted… Guess this is karma for doing this to someone before… And won’t do again.:

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