Moving Mountains
I’m seeking a new mountain to climb.
I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.
https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/existential-blog-crisis/
TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.
The problem now…
I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?
Am I really mature enough?
Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.
I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.
Am I ready for a different life?
I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.
I’m not happy with my life.
I’m tired of “just existing.”
I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.
The state of the world has worn me out.
Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.
I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.
Read the article below and had an epiphany.
I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.
No wonder I’m going crazy.
I’m both of the following:
The Love Addict
From above article
If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.
So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.
“The Love Avoidant
Same article
If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.
An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that
Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs
Intimacy is smothering, and
I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much
You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.
Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.
Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”
I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)
Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!
Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️
Is my purpose for suffering?
Maybe I am a monster.
I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.
I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.
I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?
What have I done?
I hope it’s not too late.
😦
I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains
“I change myself, I change the world.”
Gloria Anzaldua Source
Have I really changed for the better?
Why do I keep fucking up?
I’m the problem.
Nobody is going to save me.
Nobody is going to stop me.
I’m on my own.
Are there pebbles I can move to get rid of this mountain range?
I don’t deserve better because I haven’t achieved better in life. All anyone is, is this current moment. Right now.
Will you keep making excuses, or will you do something about yourself, your life Reilly?
Be a man and move some pebbles. Or languish underneath them while the stones pile on.
What’s wrong with me?
Who are you going to be?
I hope this post isn’t a mistake…
Great. I’m depressed. 🙃😥 Sigh.
Reilly's blog 
Dear Reilly: I don’t think you remember me, I’m Becki Foreman & you folks were our witnesses when we got married. I read your blog regularly and appreciate your honesty and the way you lay out your innermost feelings. I wanted to tell you that you are so loved by many people. I used to babysit you when you were a baby-what a cutie patootie you were. You’re still Quito’s handsome man.
Your mom can tell you more about me. She’s one of my dearest friends even if we don’t see each other often. Well, I wanted to tell you that you are infinitely loved in the eyes of God. Read Psalm 139 for a picker upper.
Thank you for sharing your life. Love, Becki Foreman
Sent from my iPhone
>
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Becki! I appreciate you taking the time to comment, and wishing me well! I really appreciate it! I’ll check out that psalm you suggested. 🙂
LikeLike
Hi Reilly!
Your post today struck a couple of chords: These labels “love avoidant” and “love addict” are describing attachment styles… EVERYBODY has bits of all of these in their ability to relate (as well as bits of the other attachment styles as well). And while it’s true that if left unexamined and untended they can cause the same (sometimes dysfunctional) relational patterns to repeat across time, there is nothing there that says you are toxic or “crazy.” I’d imagine your therapist would love to talk about attachment styles if they haven’t already! There are so many brilliant thinkers and resources on the topic of attachment… Gabor Mate is one of my favorites and I wonder if he might resonate with you too… he has a new film (in addition to lots of TED talks, books etc) that looks really good (I haven’t seen it yet).
You can watch it here if you are curious : https://thewisdomoftrauma.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwn4qWBhCvARIsAFNAMijhUoRxhJMtmI5B4XSc9kmWFPHUyRFZYqOsL9sSMBIZKXPxn0Z_NrMaAlTTEALw_wcB.
This is a quote of his that summarizes much of his philosophy: “So much of what we call abnormality in this culture is actually normal responses to an abnormal culture. The abnormality does not reside in the pathology of individuals, but in the very culture that drives people into suffering and dysfunction.”
And second, I wonder if you’ve checked out https://www.hikiapp.com/? It’s a relationship (friendship AND dating) app made by people on the spectrum for people on the spectrum. Regardless of who you “end up with” eventually, I wonder if it might feel like a little bit of a relief to practice some of these relationship skills with folks who can better understand some of the invisible challenges that you experience.
Anyway, I read your blog and am always curious about what you have to say. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in a slump. As somebody who has long known you outside of the internet, I’ve got to say you are a lovely human being and deserve every bit of happiness and peace that the rest of us do. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Emily! Nice to hear from you! I’ll be sure to talk to my new therapist about this. Should be getting into the details at our next appointment. I’m familiar with Gabor Mate… It’s been a while, and he has been helpful before. So I’ll watch that.
I’ll check out that link too. I haven’t worked on the spectrum part of me much, yet. Been hard to with the pandemic putting me in comfort zones or autopilot.
Thanks for the reminder that I am a good person. As you say, a lovely human being. I certainly haven’t felt like it. Thanks for reminding me of my humanity, that I too deserve peace and happiness. Hope you and your family are doing well,
Reilly.🙂
LikeLike
Change can be terrifying. Trust me, I am one person that hates change and runs from it. I’m glad you are back in therapy (I am too!). It can be super helpful to have a third party outside give you advice sometimes. We usually look at things in our own way but having someone else talk to us helps us see situations in multiple ways.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Change sure can be terrifying. I guess it depends on what needs to change or how you view it. I’m certainly due to change 😅. Way to choose therapy! I hope you connect with your therapist! It can be like trying to meet a friend who also can professionally treat problems, which is weird.
I’ve changed the way I look at things in my life talking to you from blogging and messaging🥰. Wish we weren’t on opposite sides of the planet. 😥 Maybe that can change soon. 😉
LikeLike
Hey Reilly, Guy here. We haven’t spoken in a while, and I’m only an occasional reader of your blog, but I’m glad I did today — quite moving and a lot to relate to.
Firstly, big cudos for such excellent sharing!
Next, yeah I’m depressed too. I don’t have a lot more to say about that, just sharing — it’s always something to work on.
But the real reason I’m ‘replying’ is that I kept thinking of very simple advice to tell you. I really don’t approve of giving advice generally, but since I regularly give myself this advice (with varying results), I’m just compelled to tell you…
Service. Find any (I mean any) thing to do for someone. Hopefully something that someone wants. Small, big, whatever, it doesn’t matter. I don’t mean to imply that you don’t do this already, I just believe it’s some of the best therapy. Takes your mind off of yourself and, in some small, maybe infinitesimal way, makes the world a better place. hell, just being friendly is a big service. And there’s so many, many avenues of service. You get the idea….
ok. sorry for the advice!
-guy
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Guy! That is a good idea that I haven’t considered before… I’ll give it some thought! 🙂
LikeLike
Pingback: The Highs and The Lows of 2022 | Reilly's blog