Category Archives: Life

Struck by Seratonin Syndrome

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I’m back, but out of work on Paid Family Medical Leave

Thank my state for being civilized with paid medical leave. An outlier in the US.

Since the second week of February, I’ve been experiencing new strange symptoms. Some went away, such as increased dry mouth, thirst, and excessive sweating while sleeping. Some symptoms did not. The concerning ones stayed.

My brief history of prescription medications

As a man long familiar with prescription medication, I am all too familiar with the risks from side effects. Prescription drugs and specialized support in preschool saved me from a seizure disorder I had as a toddler. I haven’t had a seizure since. Thankfully.

The only other time I needed medical attention was began seeing a psychiatrist for help and was prescribed Vivance, an amphetamine medication used to treat ADD. It caused me to have a heart attack in my early twenties. Worse yet, when my mother called him to tell him what happened, he coldly said: “What do you want me to do.”

After recovering with no damage to my heart and healthy results from tests on my heart, I tried again with a different psychiatrist. I discovered that I had severe chest pain or other similar heart attack-like symptoms with every other amphetamine-type medicine for ADD. In 2010, there were two nonamphetamines ADD medicine options (the exact same as the day, to my knowledge), Strattera and Guanfacine. The former didn’t help. While the latter did help, it wasn’t generic. It wasn’t covered by insurance (Typical because insurance companies play these games to make a profit over helping people. AND add insult to injury and tell you to try medications you’ve already tried before.)… Which meant it was $150 a month in 2010 dollars. I couldn’t afford it until two years later at Washington Apple Health.

After changing jobs and careers a couple times I learned first hand how screwed up insurance companies are with coverage regarding medicines. Whatever they say the cost of prescriptions is on your plan (with the exception of Washington Apple Health which is state Medicaid and covers stuff 100%) is a lie. Often they say they cover non generic, but try to fill it and they decide they don’t want to because it’s “too expensive” aka not profitable. (This is the case Even if you are paying for private insurance). Even if it’s the only medicine that works for you. The only place to get the actual price is to ask a pharmacist outside of your insurance what the out of pocket price is. No matter the insurance company or coverage, the bullshit was the same. It is confusing, deliberately made to be hard to understand your coverage, and if you have a serious accident, you go into debt. Lots of jobs tie insurance to it. Lose your job in most states and you lose coverage. If you are poor in America, you’re fucked.

Back to the future

2023. All these years later on my personal mental health journey for sanity and I’m still struggling with the same stuff as 13 years ago. That is to say, to find a medicine to treat depression that won’t kill me, or makes my life worse than before taking it. I’m glad to say that Guanfacine works to treat the ADD I have and became generic a couple of years ago, so it is affordable. My struggle with antidepressants continues.

What is Seratonin Syndrome?

“Serotonin is a chemical that the body produces naturally. It’s needed for the nerve cells and brain to function. But too much serotonin causes signs and symptoms that can range from mild (shivering and diarrhea) to severe (muscle rigidity, fever and seizures). Severe serotonin syndrome can cause death if not treated.”

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/serotonin-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354758#:~:text=Serotonin%20is%20a%20chemical%20that,cause%20death%20if%20not%20treated.

Usually, when googling symptoms online, it’s common to get a worst-case scenario for whatever health-thing you are going through.

In this case, it was true.

I started having these symptoms two weeks after my doctor suggested that increasing the dose of my antidepressant could help with depression. Since I’ve been taking this medication for months without side effects, upping the dose didn’t seem to be a risk.

We were both wrong. While I eventually returned to work on February 22nd, and worked the next day, I had to take Friday off due to a migraine. And despite work helping me out with reasonable accommodations by adding a new policy, and buying me sound-reducing earplugs, and me buying brand new sound-dampening headphones, I had another migraine sick day last week.

So, while these symptoms are diagnosed as serotonin syndrome by my doctor, the noisy environment likely didn’t help. Being autistic and having long covid each make me sensory sensitive.

Therefore, starting today I will be off work under paid medical leave until the 27th to recover. And I didn’t know until today, that I have wait 15 to 20 days to receive this pay. Which is bullshit. The process is annoying when you’re healthy—figuring it out while sick is cruel. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was due to lobbying by the insurance industry. 15 to 20 days for an online application is unacceptable.

Well, I did it and now I have to wait to complete my application. The insurance company won’t (I asked the people at the doctors office). Can’t do anything else.

At least I am able to write again. I physically couldn’t due to headaches.

Even before this happened, I wondered if continuing was worth it. I loathe the SEO process, and having to advertise to get readers and feel that I’ve lost my purpose of blogging. I do not want to do SEO for a living or social media marketing. It feels like this is the only way to get noticed. Reading about how to articles or forums feels like I’m surrounded by snake oil salesman who only care about making money over the content. I lost the few friends I made doing this for different reasons, and its going on three years of blogging. I don’t want to blog for a living.

Does anyone still care about this blog?

I need help moving out.

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Woman sitting on a dock thoughtfully gazing across a lake

I’m not sure who to ask for help.

I’m age 36 and live with my mother. It’s far past time that I move out, and I need help. I can’t stand living in the same house I grew up in and need my own place to live by myself.

I will miss our family cat Lucy dearly. She snuggles next to me in bed almost every night. It will be heartbreaking, and I’m sure Lucy will never forgive me. Im sure that Coco will also miss my mother, along with Lucy.

Living with my mom drives me crazy. I need my own physical space. While our relationship is okay, I feel it would be much better for me to have space. We’re different people at different times in life.

A big reason I have struggled with dating is that I feel embarrassed that I live with my mother as an adult man. She sees me as her child first and an adult second. Living at home, ill never feel like an adult man.

I have gotten much better at asserting myself, communicating my needs, and setting boundaries. My mother has gotten better at accepting these and improving herself too.

There are other reasons too, but I only feel comfortable discussing them with my therapist.

However, this is not my house. I don’t feel comfortable living here. I feel trapped in a psychological prison, constantly reminded of the past.

I need a fresh start living on my own, without roommates, with my cat Coco.

Taking this step is something I have to do to continue healing. It scares me simultaneously because I’ll have to rely solely on myself. But, I won’t feel ashamed to bring a woman home. I’ll feel the freedom to bring friends over in my space without having to worry that my mom will embarrass me or nitpick me about how I’m doing something wrong, like what happened the last time I invited friends over in early 2020.

This will be difficult to find a place to rent on my budget since Seattle is an expensive place to live. Not impossible.

I need to live my truth.

It feels like a new chapter is on the way

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Plant
Photo by PhotoMIX Company on Pexels.com

Lately, it feels like I’m entering a new period of my life

First, I have to acknowledge the gap between posts. It’s been a week, and I could not write a post for Monday. I have no excuses. The reason why is that I have felt ill. I think I’ve caught whatever is going around, and possibly am having a flare-up from long covid.

No doubt I’m feeling like this because of the events of the previous post last week. Romantic rejection is hard enough. It’s harder when you feel you have a close connection with that person and get each other. Alas, while the friendship remains in a more limited version, heartbreak sucks, and I miss the connection we had. I’m getting better day by day, and eventually, I’ll be able to read her posts; for now, I need time. It’s okay if a woman doesn’t want romance with me. There are women who will. I’d prefer this journey to find love to be over and to find that woman who wants to be my girlfriend, but for now, it’s working through the steps of grief. It will pass, though not knowing when the end is annoying.

I’d prefer grief over trying than the regret of not trying.

In positive news, I’m coming to a point in therapy where I’m ready to end this period with my therapist. Since June of last year, I’ve been going to sessions online through the Ginger app via video sessions. Every few weeks, I have a survey about my symptoms, which have been improving steadily. At the same time, work will offer health insurance sometime in the spring, so it’s a good time to start thinking about what comes next. My therapist suggested taking a break, which I agree would be helpful. I also want to find a different therapist, possibly one local with a different approach.

Work is going great. It’s so nice to do well and have a workplace I can count on. While my job is repetitive and recently feels like the walls are closing in because of all the new storage shelves in our tiny space, there is nowhere else I want to be. (Other than sleeping a bit more and being home to write during peak hours.)

When I’ve tried to write recently, I’ve had headaches from the mental strain. It hasn’t helped that I couldn’t get up at 5am, despite getting plenty of sleep or extra sleep, and my body feels physically awful. I feel like I have been going crazy not being able to write. This isn’t because of anxiety as has happened in the past; its new symptoms are directly related to long covid. Increased mental strain hurts my brain, my physical exhaustion rises when I try, or it feels like my brain is empty, foggy, or like swiss cheese. When I am clear-headed or feel normal during the day, I’m at work and can’t write. In that case, I’m limited to nine A.M. to two or three P.M.

I should be grateful that I can finally write on Thursday morning at my regular time.

The creative demons are back in full force today. Shame for not producing. Guilt for feeling like a hack writer who doesn’t make anything of worth, regret for stories I never finished in the past, frustration for now being disabled, and having physical and mental limitations when I can write. Imposter syndrome creeping in.

I know none of these are helpful. I know it’s part of the creative process to learn to handle each of these emotions so I can get to the parts I enjoy. I understand that the only way to be creative about anything is to sit down and do it. I must get through the mountain of shit to discover and process the gold into a usable product.

Hello, demons. Nice to see you again. I know you are me and my insecurities speaking.

I’m tired of feeling frustrated because I can’t complete something I actually want to do. I want to be a storyteller. I want to write stories that matter. That feels meaningful to me. Fiction. I need to do something different.

Mood: https://www.zenpencils.com/comic/calling/

I’ve done enough reading on the how-to. Watched hundreds of hours of how-to and writing tips on youtube. I need to go and do it. Maybe I need to change the location where I do this writing as my current methods and writing at home isn’t getting the results I want. I feel too distracted at work and too pressed for time on breaks to be able to focus on writing.

I feel that many things in my life that have either been on hold or stuck will change when winter is over. This covid winter feels like it will be the last year where it is a threat to catch.

Potluck at a Pot Company

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Zoomed in picture of cannabis strain: Sally by FireBros.

Tomorrow after work, we’re having a Potluck Party.

A Potluck at a pot company. Couldn’t pass up this pun. Lol.

This is a a party that I’ve been leading as I proposed the event. It started as a holiday potluck, but changed to a general potluck after rescheduling to mid January so everyone could attend, and to limit the risk of spreading or catching covid after the holidays.

I’m bringing two dishes to it, which will be recipe posts next week. One: Twice-baked Alaska and braised greens. I also wanted a 30-day advent calendar with weed as the prize each day, but… I’ve been too tired after work and spread myself too thin organizing the party. My duties at work have changed in the past month and turned to much more physical tasks of knocking joints and, much more often, grinding weed.

Being able to knock joints or grind weed is a massive step in progress. For long stretches last year, I would not have been able to do these for half or more of a shift. I would compare it to the physical and mental focus that working as a cook in a restaurant requires. One needs physical energy, being able to stand on your feet for hours of the day, attention to detail, checking for quality and speed, and focusing on repetitive tasks for hours.

I digress

Despite the tight time before and after work to cook this week, despite my worry about catching covid in a small space –though it will be required that everyone take a covid test and have a negative result–, despite the stress and exhaustion I’m feeling… It will be all worth it once it’s party time. Then I can relax and enjoy myself like I did at the company Halloween party.

I’ll be doing my part to see that not too many people are in the trim room getting food to mitigate exposure risk.

Well, this short post is all I have time for this week.

The Highs and The Lows of 2022

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2023 written in sand on a beach

Happy New year!

It is now 2023, as is tradition on social media and the world at large… It’s time to reflect on 2022 and review my life of the previous year. Unlike the cliche, 2022 felt like a year and didn’t go by fast and, more often than not, slower for me than others.

2022 can be summarized by the following themes: Work, Long Covid, Going out into the world again, online dating, and Inner growth.

My favorite posts which underperformed:

Close Encounters of the Good Eats kind.

This post is about when I went to a book signing for Alton Brown, one of my cooking idols. I used to want to be a chef and worked in the restaurant industry, so going to buy his new book, get it signed by him, and have a word was something I wasn’t going to miss!

Pumpkin Spice Cinnamon Rolls

Pumpkin Spice Cinnamon Rolls is a recipe I created, which is to add pumpkin pie filling and double pumpkin pie spices to the classic cinnamon roll. This recipe is dairy free and doesn’t use sugar. instead, it uses an erythritol blend.

The Mariners 2022 ALDS… (Part 3 of 3)

The Mariners 2022 ALDS… (Part 3 of 3). (Not a fan of this title after the fact) This post is about my experience going to the first Seattle Mariners home playoff game in 21 years! It was the first time I had ever gone to any home professional sports game in my life. Boy, was it worth it. It’s the conclusion to a 3 part series, in which previous posts are linked in the post. It was game 3 of 5, win or go home for the Mariners, the entire state was covered in dangerous forest fire smog, and I did my part by writing a prayer to the god of the mariners by visiting its first stadium site in town, and burning the prayer to the god before the game.

The top 3 posts according to readers:

Moving Mountains

This blog post is about a time I felt depressed and down on myself after a recent breakup.

Close, but no Cigar

This post is about my only brief relationship, which happened in June 2022.

Unique Opportunity, Part 2.

This post is about my experience getting an article published in the Seattle Times newspaper about the challenges of finding a therapy that works for me and learning that I was on the Autism Spectrum at age 36.

Days in a Life

Days in a Life is a post set in a challenging time in my life, right after I had finally had sex for the first time and was a virgin no more. My cat Coco wasn’t doing well either, and I was worried she might have had a UTI. I was freaking out and was sure something was wrong with me too. You’ll have to read the post to find out. Unfortunately, I haven’t had sex since.

And finally, Long covid. In about 10 days, it will be a year since I caught covid and I haven’t recovered. While the severity of sickness has improved slowly since I’m not the same person physically, I was a year ago. If you haven’t gotten the covid vaccine or the latest booster yet, please do. You don’t want this disability. I wasn’t able to blog for long periods due to this disease. I can barely exercise without becoming so exhausted that I need to go home and sleep. There’s no cure. There are treatments, but that isn’t a guarantee because it’s basically throwing shit at a wall. Even if there will be treatments, I bet it will be expensive and not covered by insurance in America. Which is the case with conditions that do have medical solutions such as ADD or diabetes.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/09/10/living-with-long-covid/

Burned out, Frozen In.

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A zoomed in picture of my car from the Ice storm in Seattle, December 23rd, 2022. The car is a white prius. There is so much ice that there is a reflection of my car on the surface.

Frozen in.

It’s 36 degrees Fahrenheit outside today. It’s been cold and snowing all week, and last night was an ice storm.

I called out one day this week because I felt unsafe driving to work. My Prius spins out in normal conditions; I’m not going to risk driving on ice. I may need new tires. It’s probably how the car is. I drive safely and maintain it, and the mileage is about 69k.

I’m waiting on whether or not work will be open today. One more hour and the boss will give the word. That said, I’m leaning on staying home for safety because conditions haven’t changed much since 730am.

Today is a metaphor for how I’ve felt about my life outside of work. Frozen in place, surrounded by ice.

Burned out

I’m thriving at work, getting attention for working hard, and pushing myself to do things that I’ve never done at any job before, and I’m proud of myself for that. Proud but exhausted.

In the past month, I’ve: written 4 SOPS or standard operating procedures for work and writing a draft for two more. I can do this now because of my strong relationships with my department lead, boss, and ownership. There’s mutual trust and respect. This is possible because I stuck with this company when times were tough earlier in the year. This is possible. After all, I bet on myself because I chose to respond to situations differently than I had in the past. I decided not to give up.

I’m in charge of planning a Holiday Potluck Party for next month. I’m excited about that while being worried about it being a super spreader covid event 1 year after I got covid at a Pizza party I threw at work. I’m so tired of being worried about covid… This time will be different. I will do everything I can to prevent this from happening again.

Along with this, I’m making friends at work! Didn’t think it would be possible to be friends with a boss and have professional boundaries.

I’m successful. Finally! Despite this long-ass journey to find secure work, I’m successful because I’ve worked hard in therapy, despite years of struggling to find that too. All this persistence is paying off. Next month will be 1 year since I became a manager. My time was short as a manager. However, I’m content being an assistant manager.

Long-term, career-wise, I don’t want to own my own business or manage people as a life. I don’t know what I want to do, and that’s okay. I could manage a small group of people in the future like I’m doing now, but I’d prefer not to. It’s not a strength, and my social battery drains fast.

Physically I can’t be a full-time manager. I can’t because of long covid. Next month will be a year since I caught covid, and I’m just coming to terms with the fact that I might have this for the rest of my life. Maybe it will heal on its own like some who have long covid. Possibly there will be a cure. For now, I have to live with it. I am doing better compared to earlier in 2022… But it’s a daily thing to manage.

I’ve been getting by this month, getting home, watching anime, and going to bed early.

I shouldn’t be dating right now.

I’ve had some time to reflect on how I’m living and showing up outside of work, and I don’t enjoy seeing how I am.

I go to work and come home to watch an anime show, tv show, or movie I’ve watched several times before for comfort while browsing Instagram and occasionally playing with Coconut or playing video games.

I’ve let myself go, and I’m over 240 pounds… The heaviest I’ve ever weighed. It’s no wonder, considering how unhealthy I eat.

At the same time, I have to acknowledge that I am a disabled person because of Long Covid. Next month will be a year since I caught Covid. I have a chronic illness that doesn’t have a cure and might never ever have a cure. Medicines and treatments might be on the way, but I can’t control that. I am hopeful that treatments and drugs will come because I don’t want to pray for bad things to happen. Until then, I have to accept that it is my life. I’ve become a different person than I was a year ago. I haven’t come to terms with that.

I was browsing DuckDuckGo, searching various phrases, and I found this article by Dr. Nerdlove titled “How Do I Date When I Have A Disability?“ that I came up with as a related blog post at the end of “5 Times When You Shouldn’t Be Dating”. The original article is helpful, but it didn’t nail why I’ve felt this unique frustration that I have felt this year and the past couple of years. I should be taking a date from dating, but I didn’t know why. I can’t change if I don’t understand the problem. Knowing why helps me challenge anxious or depressing thoughts that come up. Knowing why helps me set boundaries and be mindful of when I need self-care. The article is much longer and has a bunch of helpful gems in it, but for the sake of this blog post, I feel this portion nails how I feel:

“I wonder – and you’ll have to tell me if I’m wrong about this – if part of the problem is that you’re still in the adjustment period. I mean, come on, you just had your life blown apart in a way that’s changed everything for you. Yeah, it’s been three years, but that’s less than a tenth of your life; you had thirty years of living life one way, then suddenly having to change almost everything. That’s not a lot of time to come to terms, to mourn or to build the new systems that work for you. And while I have no doubt that you’re a magnificent badass with the heart of a volcano and the passion of a thousand burning suns in your soul, even Lucifer needed time to say “well…. fuck” after hitting the ground.

So it may be worth looking inward and seeing if you’re still holding yourself to standards – the “good working order” – that are literally impossible any more. Acknowledging your disability doesn’t mean you’re “not in good working order”, it means recognizing that you have a new reality and you need to adapt to it. Being upset at how your life changed and what you’ve had to give up – at least for now – doesn’t mean you’re not fit to share your life with anyone. Acknowledging that you’re lonely and feeling isolated and wanting more doesn’t mean that you’re not fit to date, it means you’re dealing with some shit.

So maybe… be a little easier on yourself for the moment and deal with that shit. Recognize that life is different, your operating rules are different and maybe your definition of “in good working order” needs to adjust as well.

“But it’s been three years!” I hear you cry. “Treatment and therapy hasn’t helped.”

OK… but are you sure that the therapy you’ve been getting is what you need? Is it possible that maybe you don’t have the right therapist? Or, hear me out: is it possible that you’re trying to fit into an able-bodied framework when you simply aren’t abled anymore?”

https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-do-i-date-when-i-have-a-disability/

I’m burned out from dating and need a break. I will feel much safer after winter, and I don’t have to worry about catching covid again.

Yay, I managed to grind out a post…

A Long Shadow over Thanksgiving…

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November 23rd, 2003, My father died in a car crash

Music of the post: Father Time by Kendrick Lamar ft Sampha

Two nights before, he sat us down at the kitchen table and said that he had a problem with drinking.

He said that he was going to stop because he had a problem.

He seemed sincere… But…

I was 17, so I didn’t know how to react. My first reaction was to be skeptical. I’d seen this play out before with my addict aunt—his sister.

I had long given up on needing anything from him after him being a lifelong alcoholic. From him being a shitty father.

I didn’t know then, but it would be the last time I’d see him again.

After work that night, in the middle of the night of the 23rd, he went to a bar with coworkers. The accounts given there, say that he only had one drink. Later confirmed by a blood alcohol test.

Like the many times he did before… He drove drunk.

He had been in multiple car accidents in the past, which I didn’t know about until recently after a conversation about addiction patterns on my dad’s side with my mother.

The vehicles he drove were a reflection of how he lived life.

Used, beat up junk vans with hundreds of thousands of miles on them, near death, poorly maintained.

He was a carpet and floor installer. He needed a van to store the materials he needed for work.

Always a junker from the 80s or earlier, each van being replaced yearly or more.

He ran his life, his vans on eggshells.

Booze came first.

There always was something wrong with his cars.

If he faced his problems earlier, if he stopped drinking he easily could have afforded repairs for the brakes, other engine problems, or simply buy a car that isn’t an excuse to avoid his personal problems.

A reflection of what was wrong with him.

He drank to cover up his problems. He drank to not deal with his shit. He drank to escape.

He was yet another addict in the chain of generational trauma. Of family dysfunction.

To my grandparents credit, they stopped drinking and smoking cigarettes late in life after my addict aunt caught aids.

I don’t know if anyone went to therapy, I suspect not.

I suspect not because of what I know about addiction, codependency, trauma, grief, and generational trauma.

This ends with me.

Maybe I am so comfortable working at a cannabis company because of this. Hm.

That night.

That last van was a death wish. It had a couple different engine problems which caused it a constant screech, and the brakes barely worked.

He drove home from the bar in Sodo, next to the Home Depot where he worked in the flooring department.

On his last drink.

The accident happened on top of Beacon hill, which is a couple miles from our house.

He died instantly from a broken spine.

Maybe he could have survived if he had maintained the brakes on his van. Perhaps he could have survived if he had a seatbelt made past the 1980s design on his van. But he didn’t. He chose these risks on top of driving drunk. He put himself and us, his family because he chose to run away from his problems.

Until he embodied being a living problem. As said in modern therapy terms, he was a danger to himself and others.

Another driver was disabled due to the accident crash. There was a third car involved, but I guess they were okay. More on this later.

Seattle Police came to our house, knocked on the door and told my mother what had happened.

My dad was in a car accident crash and died.

Later fragments

The morning after, my Aunts on my mom’s side came over. It was that day that I was old enough to understand, and know first hand… What it feels like to have your father die suddenly. My grandfather on my moms side died in his 40s from heart disease when my aunts were teenagers and my mom was young.

It was comforting to hear from my late Aunt Ann that they knew what it felt like to be where we were. That we would get through this hard time. And though I’m not religious, it was comforting for my Uncle Gene to lead everyone there in prayer, asking for grace from God. (I wish I could have told this story at her funeral last year.)

I was told to call my friends to tell them what happened. I managed but was traumatized for a long time after. I was only able to heal in therapy about ten years later.

After those calls, my brother and I decided to go to a friend’s house for a few days.

I felt like a stranger at Dad’s funeral. It was a decent-sized crowd at the act theater where it was hosted. (Grandma had connections in the Art community through her corporate job at Safeco Insurance). I wasn’t that sad because he had died. I barely knew the man, and he was emotionally unavailable or distant from my brother and me. I was sad for others there that I knew were sad about his passing. Because of their Alcohol addiction and many personal problems, he never dealt with them.

The consequences

As a result of dads blood alcohol level being at or just under the state legal limit at that time, he was deemed at fault for the crash.

The driver who was disabled because of the crash, sued my mother. Which led to an 8-year-long lawsuit for everything we had.

For eight years, I didn’t know what would happen. Even though my mother dealt with the majority of the shit involved, for that entire period, I didn’t know if we would become homeless or be forced to move to another state just so our family had a place to live. There wasn’t much I could do to help since I was in high school and then going to college.

I had no idea what this person looked like. I don’t know their name. All I knew was that he was a threat to my family and our survival due to spite. Yes, my dad was at fault for him being in a wheelchair and breaking bones. The injured guy did recover, and didn’t have any worse injuries. However, to sue the family for everything and spend years chasing it is messed up.

The lawsuit ended because the bastard died of a heart attack, which was in 2011. That was when I was finally able to start grieving. It took several more years and several therapists before I could process that grief.

I obsessively read all I could with the limited information and the internet to teach myself about being a man and psychology. But since I struggled to find a consistent therapist, progress was slow. Or there wasn’t any. I was stuck in a swamp and needed help. Eventually, I got it.

One story I learned about my dad is that he once went to therapy in the 80s. But, he acted strangely and later on said that he made up what he said to the therapist he saw, which made me so mad when I heard about it.

More on my experience with therapy in this post below.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/08/02/a-unique-opportunity-part-2/

All said, I’m grateful to have turned the corner.

It took until 2020, to try dozens of different medicines for ADD, Depression, adding many supplements, reading lots of self help articles and books, psychedelic mushrooms used therapeutically, cannabis, and not giving up on therapy to get to where I am today.

I still have healing to do. Im not perfect, and I make mistakes.

I only feel down regarding dad this time of the year. I think of him as examples of who I don’t want to be.

I take care of myself; I am mindful of my mental health. My biggest life goal is to end this chain of dysfunction.

Therapy tips and helpful information

  • Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
  • No more Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover, The body keeps the score by Bessel A. van der kolk
  • The dreamer and the fantasy relationship by Natalie Lue
  • The six pillars of self esteem by Dr. Nathaniel Branden
  • Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
  • Dating Greatly by Brene Brown
  • Man’s search for meaning by Viktor Frankl
  • Codependent no more by Melony Beattie
  • Healing from a narcissistic relationship by Margalis Fjelstad
  • Late bloomers by Rich Karlgaard.
  • All of the above are on audible. Most of these I’ve read twice.
Intergenerational trauma infographic. Understanding how pain is passed down until someone works to heal it.
Ways we numb emotional pain charts.

Vote today! It’s Election Day!

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If you live in the US, today is election day. Yeah our system sucks and needs change. Fucking do something about it by voting. I don’t know what will happen. Nobody does.

You do have a choice. While the federal races are frustrating and only matter if you’re state is considered a swing state where the race is close, your local races matter far more in your daily life. Change starts small at the local level. District race margins are far smaller. It’s an odd year election so turnout will likely be lower. That means you have a bigger impact.

If there are any problems you have with where you live, or feel that you don’t like something where you live, voting gives you that opportunity to voice your opinion with choices. It’s not perfect, but that’s life.

Voting is about having faith in democracy. To have faith that generations before have fought for in the trenches of war and the trenches of the streets to battle to earn the right to vote. So that everyone can vote or the choice to vote. For the choice to run for office. For the choice for change.

You don’t even have to completely fill out your ballot. It doesn’t take more than 20 minutes.

There is nothing more patriotic than voting.

I ask you to please honor that.

https://www.usa.gov/how-to-vote

On any given Fantasy Football Sunday

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The image above is previous weeks fantasy football score

This post’s title is a play on the movie Any Given Sunday. This movie is alright if you like American Football. This speech delivered by Al Pacino, who stars in the movie is pretty good.

The picture above is week 6 of our works fantasy football score between a coworker and me.

I was ahead in points 107.92 to 86.26 and won because the running back he has waiting to play, Jamaal Williams, is on the NFL injured list. He has one other player who is not playing -Tight End Darren Waller- whose team is on a Bye or a week off this week. These are choices… In this case, my intention was not to do anything by my co-worker. He was asked to participate in the fantasy football league because we needed at least 10 people. So, he was there for the draft and set his roster back in September before the NFL season. He is 1-4 after 5 games, and I am 4-1 after 5. His registration is decent, and he had a good chance of winning against me this week, but he did not because he joined because my coworkers and I were more invested in playing Fantasy Football this NFL season.

If he had changed J. Williams and Waller for another player, he might have beaten me. I ended up squeaking by with the win. That gap in points at those roster spots was small enough to hit.

What is Fantasy Football?

Fantasy Football
Kinda, lol.

From Sports Illustrated:

“

Fantasy football … That thing everyone talks about around the water cooler. Well, fantasy football is a game that allows you to be the owner, GM and coach of your very own football team. Competing against your friends, you draft a team made up of NFL players and based on their on-field performance in a given week, you score points. For example, if you have Lamar Jackson on your team and he throws a touchdown, your team scores points. Add up all the points and the team with the most at the end of the NFL week is the winner. Not too complicated, right? Well, maybe, maybe not.

In addition to drafts at the start of the season, there are also auction leagues. This is another league type that will be further explained later. As the game has grown, the complexity has grown along with it. But at the end of the day, your team competes in a league typically composed of 10 or 12 teams. Each week, you go head-to-head against a different team.

If a player is struggling, you can release him, just like in the NFL. You can trade with other teams. And if no one has a player on their team, they are available to be added to your roster from the waiver wire.

Just like the NFL, your league has a postseason as well. The fantasy playoffs are usually played from Weeks 14-16. In the final week, a champion is crowned! You can play for fun, you can play for money. Either way, that’s fantasy football!”

https://www.si.com/fantasy/2020/04/04/fantasy-football-advice-guide-for-beginners

Why play Fantasy Football?

It’s a way to connect with people. I am connecting with people at work who like the NFL or want to be part of a group activity. I like stats, things that require attention to detail; I grew up in the Moneyball era of baseball, and I love fantasy sports-themed manager games such as the Out of the Park Baseball Series and Front Office Football 7 (Between these two PC game series, I have probably have played about 6000 hours over the past 13 years… When I had problems finding consistent work), so this is right up my alley. And I get to play against other people around work. A needed boon for my social life and deepening relationships with others at work. I wouldn’t be surprised if this resulted in friendships later on.

Suppose you have a competitive streak like I do. In that case, you can have an edge on your league mates by reading NFL news, watching videos on Youtube by long-time Fantasy Football channels, reading blogs dedicated to the different styles of leagues, or subscribing to services such as ESPN+ to get expert takes.

Nobody really is an expert in this. The stats estimate each player’s value, or what they feel based on observation, past experience playing this game, or making decisions based on team and player news; in a nutshell, it’s gambling. Some Fantasy leagues are gambling, others for the fun of it. As the season continues, however, you start to get an idea if players can succeed after enough stats have accumulated. So, if a star player goes against a poor defense or a poor defender, you can assume they will produce points.

Naturally, I did research before our league draft was held.

How are points scored?

“In a standard league, the eight players on a team’s active roster earn points based on the statistics they generate in actual NFL games. These fantasy points are added together for a weekly team score. Statistics from bench players do NOT earn fantasy points. The winner of an fantasy football game is the team with more points earned for the week (two weeks for playoff games). In the event that both you and your opponent accumulate the same number of points, a tie will be awarded. No playoff game can end in a tie (see the Playoffs page for more information).

Offense:
Quarterbacks (QB), Running Backs (RB), Wide Receivers (WR), Tight Ends (TE)
6 pts per rushing or receiving TD
6 pts for player returning kick/punt for TD
6 pts for player returning or recovering a fumble for TD
4 pts per passing TD
2 pts per rushing or receiving 2 pt conversion (note: teams do not receive points
for yardage gained during the conversion)
2 pts per passing 2 pt conversion
1 pt per 10 yards rushing or receiving
1 pt per 25 yards passing

Bonus Points
2 pts per rushing or receiving TD of 40 yards or more
2 pts per passing TD of 40 yards or more
(note: the player must score a touchdown to score the points)

Penalty Points
-2 pts per intercepted pass
-2 pts per fumble lost

Kickers (K)
5 pts per 50+ yard FG made
4 pts per 40-49 yard FG made
3 pts per FG made, 39 yards or less
2 pts per rushing, passing, or receiving 2 pt conversion
1 pt per Extra Point made
Penalty Points
-2 pts per missed FG (0-39 yds)
-1 pt per missed FG (40-49 yds)
(note: a missed FG includes any attempt that is blocked, deflected, etc.)

Defensive/Special Teams (D)

3 pts per defensive or special teams TD
2 pts per interception
2 pts per fumble recovery (Note: includes a fumble by the opposing team out of the end zone)
2 pts per blocked punt, PAT, or FG (Note: a deflected kick of any kind does not receive points)
2 pts per safety
1 pt per sack”

https://www.espn.com/fantasy/football/ffl/story?page=fflrulesstandardscoring

Each play in an NFL game by players who meet these requirements are given points based on the above criteria.

Week 8 of fantasy football
An example of having a bad week. I did have players on the bench who performed well, but this is the result. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.
In Fantasy Football, sometimes you become a clown meme
Some weeks are like this. 🤡

Who is my team?

My fantasy football team part 2, the bench

Starting Fantasy Football lineup:

  • Quarterback (QB): Patrick Mahomes. Kansas City Chiefs. 5th overall at his position, but can be the best in the NFL when he’s on.
  • Running back 1(RB): Joe Mixon. Cincinnati Bengals. 14th overall in points at this position.
  • Running back 2: Raheem Mostert. Miami Dolphins. 27th overall at his position. I picked him up on waivers September 21st. Been solid since.
  • Wide Reciever 1(WR): Justin Jefferson. Minnesota Vikings. 5th overall at position, and was the 5th overall pick in the first round in our initial draft.
  • Wide Receiver 2: Amon-Ra St. Brown. Detroit Lions. 28th overall at his position, but has been injured a few games this year. When healthy is one of the top 10.
  • Tight End (TE): Hayden Hurst. Cincinnati Bengals. While a waiver pickup, and my backup or Flex Tight End, and 11th in points, Hurst is my starting player this week because starter George Kittle is on Bye (or off week). One of the better waiver pickups I’ve made thanks to information by ESPN.
  • Flex spot 1: Allen Lazard. Green Bay Packers. 36th overall at Wide Receiver. Before the season when I chose him during the draft, I thought that he would be higher up based on being on a team with legendary QB Aaron Rogers. He has been solid, but not a top end player I expected. Oh well.
  • Flex spot 2: Khalil Herbert. Chicago Bears. 20th at position. Picked up on waivers on Monday…. Started him today, and he didn’t do well.
  • Defense (DEF): Buffalo Bills. Each fantasy team chooses one NFL team defense to have as a starter. 3rd overall at position.
  • Kicker (K): Daniel Carlson. Las Vegas Raiders. 5th at position, been great all year.

Fantasy Football Bench:

  • Bench 1: George Kittle. Tight End. San Francisco 49ers. 12th overall in points, usually my starting TE. Is on a BYE week.
  • Bench 2: Garret Wilson. Wide Receiver. New York Jets. 32nd overall at position, a rookie player, but is looking good lately.
  • Bench 3: Romeo Doubs. Wide Receiver. Green Bay Packers. 40th overall at position. Got him on waivers, but I’m not sure with his team offense being strangely inconsistent this year.
  • Bench 4: Alec Pierce. Wide Receiver. Indianapolis Colts. 49th at position. Another wavier add.
  • Bench 5: Pat Freiermuth. Tight End. Pittsburgh Steelers. 9th at position. On Bye, a great waiver add.
  • Bench 6: Isiah Pacheco. Running Back. Kansas City Chiefs. 66th at position. Waiver add. From what I’ve read, he could be a good late season pickup as The Chiefs like him as their top RB.
  • Bench 7: George Pickens. Wide Reciever. Pittsburgh Steelers. 51 at position. Wavier add. But looking to be the top Wide receiver on the Steelers.
  • Injury reserve: Jameson Williams. Wide Receiver. Detroit Lions. Has been injured all year with an ACL injury, but is looking to be back in in December. Was the 12th overall pick in the 2022 NFL draft by the Lions, and was known as a really good WR in college, so hes a gamble pick for December.

Team name

The team name that I chose is a reference to the anime One Piece. It currently has 1,039 episodes and has been published as a manga or comic in Japan since July 1997. It’s an epic fantasy set in an ocean punk world, and the story is maybe 70-80 complete. Only the author knows.

The name is specifically the devil fruit of the main character Monkey D Luffy. Gomu gomu no mi, or Gum Gum fruit in English is a magical fruit that gives the person who eats it in that story a specific magical power. In Luffys case, he becomes a rubber man with the properties of rubber.

Luffy eating the gum gum fruit
Luffy eating the gum gum fruit, and my team logo.

My teams current overall record is 6-2 on week 9. Which is 2nd place in my division, and tired for 2nd best record in the league. That might change after today as I am in a close match with a team who has a record of 5-3 with a good roster. We will know after the 520pm game.

Update: it is 511pm and my opponent is ahead 140.42 to 140.2, and we both have a star player left to play. If I don’t score at least 0.43 points than my coworker, I will lose by the smallest margin this season. I am wishing that my Star player, Patrick Mahomes and his team The Kansas City Chiefs defense can stop Derrick Henry of the Tennessee Titans. It could go either way, as Henry is the focus of the Titans Offense.

Conclusion

This will be the first part of two posts, maybe 3?, about this Fantasy Football Season at work. I haven’t written much in the past few months due to my health, and had to prioritize that, so we will see how many and how often I post. I am hoping for at least 1 post a week for now. Finding time while working a full time job, and dealing with long covid, the smokey weather, and self care has been tough. The forest fire smoke has been gone for a couple weeks, its finally cold, and I am starting to feel healthier again.

The Mariners 2022 ALDS, Game 1. (Part 2 of 3)

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This is part 2 of a series about the Seattle Mariners baseball team Postseason. The other parts are linked below:

Part 3, the conclusion:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/10/17/the-mariners-2022-alds-continued/

Part 1, The beginning:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/10/11/my-oh-my-mariners/

The Seattle Mariners post season story continues…

I write this on Thursday, October 13th. When I last wrote, the Mariners had a miraculous come back victory against the Toronto Blue Jays in the American League Wild Card series. A best of three. The Mariners won 2/3 and advanced to the American League Division Series to face the Houston Astros.

Game 1 was on Monday.

Houston, having the better season record and the best in the American League, has home field advantage in this series. Three out of a possible five games would be played there. Generally, teams have a better record at their home stadium. This means that the Mariners would have a steeper mountain to climb on their path to the World Series.

The World Series is the penultimate series of 5-7 games that determine the best team in baseball. The two teams that make the post season from the American and National League face each other for a trophy and championship. The winner is the best team that season.

Climbing mountains ain’t a problem here. Seattle is surrounded by mountains. Most days you can see Mount Rainier. You can see Mount Rainer or the Cascades from T-Mobile Park, where the Mariners play home games. The Triple A affiliate, Tacoma Rainiers are named after the mountain. Maybe this is why the mariners have played better when the stakes have been so high before and won. They needed to climb a mountain.

Picture of Mt Rainier from a couple of years ago at the National Park.
Picture of Mt Rainier from a couple of years ago at the National Park.

The Mountain

Picture of the 2022 MLB post-season bracket. Divisional round. From: https://a2.espncdn.com/combiner/i?img=%2Fphoto%2F2022%2F1010%2Fr1073554_1280x720_16%2D9.jpg&w=1140&cquality=40&format=jpg
Source

The Houston Astros won 107 games this season. They are 55-26 at home. Against the Mariners, they have a 12-7 record on the season. Allowed only 65 runs in those games. Scored 75. Source. Since 2013, they have been the team to beat to become champion.

We wouldn’t have it any other way. This year, this postseason, it’s personal.

Game one, best of 5, ALDS at Houston.

I was pumped going into this game Monday. That Saturday comeback win exorcised demons. It uplifted me and healed years of letdowns from watching the mariners lose so much or choke late in the season. Bring it on, Astros.

The Mariners started strong, with 6 runs through the 4th inning. But the Astros kept it close, scoring three off a solid start by pitcher Logan Gilbert. The bullpens took over, and while the Astros kept getting hits, no runs were scored. The mariners added another run in the 7th inning, and the score was Mariners 7, Astros 3.

The Astros struck back with a single, then a 2-run Homerun by Alex Bregman. The score was Mariners 7, Astros 5 after 8 innings.

The Mariners had a chance to add on in the top of the 9th… But we’re easily put away by Raphael Montero.

Bottom of the 9th, Astros to bat. Mariners pitcher got the first hitter out on 2 pitches with a ground out. 1 out. Hensley to pitch hit. After 7 pitches, he was hit by the 8th and got on base as the potential tie run. Next batter, All star Jose Altuve was struck out. 2 outs. Short stop Jeremy Pena worked a 1 ball 2 strike at bat into a single. 2 runners on. 2 outs.

Manager Scott Servais changes pitchers from Pat Sewald to Robbie Ray, usually a starter with not much relief experience. Unusual but can happen in the post season. Up to bat, Slugger and top hitter in the major leagues… Jordan Alvarez.

Alvarez already had 2 RBIs this game. One swing can can end the game for Houston as he has serious power. He hit 37 home runs in the regular season.

2 runners on, 2 outs. The second pitch…

Alvarez hots a home run and ends the game. Astros 8, Mariners 7. Fuck. So close and we have our hearts ripped out at the bottom of the 9th…

We lose game 1.🙁

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