Category Archives: rants

United in Grief, July 4th 2022

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A tweet on top of the american flag. Tweet: Sara K Runnels: I love that the one visual we consistently show to represent America is basically a giant red flag.

July 4th. American Independence day weekend. I don’t feel like celebrating.

Living in America feels like a bad dream. A never-ending nightmare of bad news. Yeah, there was that legislation to improve gun safety. But will it really change anything? I doubt it. It feels like another feel-good, a little too late, a middle-ground bill that pleases nobody… And the violence continues. We really need young people in charge. We really need non-corporate slaves in charge. Voting Republican isn’t a solution. Their goal is to create more problems. Way too many were cheering when January 6th happened when America almost became a fascist state.

I’m tired of Joe Biden being a caretaker president. Nothing has changed. His best argument when running was that his long record as a Senator would help him pass legislation through our deadlocked (by republicans) congress. That hasn’t happened. Sure, he has signed many Executive Orders, but those will be canceled by the next eventual republican. We gave him a good shot to get things done, to make big changes… And it hasn’t happened. I’m not voting for him again. I’m so tired of getting my hopes up with politicians only to be disappointed.

So far, he’s been the “Not Trump” candidate.

Gif from Dexter's Lab of Didi in lab whites --Calmly watching Dexter--, and Dexter who has his hair on fire.

We need an actual liberal as president. Who isn’t another corporatist wearing a democrat mask? We need leadership that will be alive after their time as president is over, so they must live through the consequences. We need a president who hasn’t lived in the DC bubble, has worked a regular job for a living recently and is not wealthy. I love Bernie Sanders, but the man has done enough for the US. AOC would be a good choice for any of The Squad. There aren’t enough women holding office anyway. It’s embarrassing that we still haven’t had a woman as president. It’s fucking time.

I’m so grateful to live in Washington state. I wonder if things will improve in my lifetime here in America. It sure doesn’t look like the corporate hold over this country will soon disappear. Problems keep piling up, and these piecemeal, half-ass (aka middle ground) solutions won’t cut it any longer. So no, I won’t be celebrating this independence day weekend. Because we, as a country, are dependent on capitalism and corporations. As long as wealth exists, there will never be true equality. Never because some person will be able to be above another.

What am I supposed to do when I can be outspent by some rich person who can donate more money than I will make in my entire life? What am I supposed to do when those same rich assholes own news companies and can indoctrinate millions into what they want? My one vote only goes so far. I can only convince so many people. What am I supposed to do when a group of appointed assholes makes decisions based on their beliefs and not the law? Do we even need the supreme court? Do I even want to be an American?

I’m so exhausted from watching this country slowly disintegrate from a democracy to some nightmare straight out of 1984.

Also, fuck fireworks. They are loud and noisy everywhere these days. They cause pollution. Most of the time, they are set off late at night on a random day and time when you’re trying to sleep, just like a car alarm going off. Of all the amazing things in life, and this modern world, seeing or buying fireworks is the last thing I want to do.

Gif of Fireworks exploding into the shape of a penis and balls
Fireworks’ long history in a nutshell. 😑

Alright, enough complaining. Here are things I can celebrate.

Screenshot of wordpress blog statistics. 5000 all times views
Screenshot of wordpress blog statistics. 1000 likes.
Screenshot of the description of the blogger who did the 1000th like.

I opened the WordPress app today and saw that the all-time views passed 5000! Wow! That’s a big deal for a personal blog like this! I’ll take it!

I dropped the ball on the 1000 likes landmark and should’ve celebrated it sooner. It happened with this post:

Days in a Life

To make up for this and to give proper credit to the blogger who was “like” number 1000, please check out

https://dfolstad58.wordpress.com

I need to make changes in my life.

I’ve blogged about it quite a bit. I keep talking about it, but I am not moving forward. Well, not quite. Last week, I began seeing a therapist again. I started seeing a life coach. My scrolling Instagram for hours is paying off because most of that time is spent watching therapy-related reels and images.

I went and saw my buddy on Saturday. He’s going through a hard time, and it’s tough to see him in pain. I’m grateful to have been there for him. That I do have him as a friend.

Feels like everyone is struggling these days…

Since I started in March 2020, the hardest part of this journey has been to pick myself up from rock bottom as my life started over at that time. Relationships changed. People changed. I changed. Life changed. So much so that I’m still adjusting to this new normal.

I had to learn the hard way that the only person to save me is myself. It’s okay to ask for help. Or for support. The bottom line is that I have to be the person to do so. Others do want to help. Others want to be in your life. However, you have to advocate and be there for yourself. It’s part of being an adult. To be healthy.

Snoop Dog: I'm doing my own shit.

Despite all the difficulties, there are little things to celebrate. So that’s something… Guess I got that going for me. 😑🙃

I’d like to thank everyone who has taken the time to stop by this blog, read these posts, comment, and like them. I appreciate it. It makes my day. Doing so makes me feel not alone because others connect with my writing. It’s the one way I feel connected to the world and others. It’s hard to cope when I take a lot of time to write, edit, and advertise a post and few people read it. Please continue to stop by.

Song of the post, United in Grief by Kendrick Lamar

(I’ve been listening to this album on repeat, it’s a new favorite and I captured this moment in time perfectly.)

Moving Mountains

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Mountain reflected on a lake at night, when the stars are out
Source

I’m seeking a new mountain to climb.

I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/existential-blog-crisis/

TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.

The problem now…

I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?

Am I really mature enough?

Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.

I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.

Am I ready for a different life?

Woman saying: I'm sorry, I'm not ready to do that.

I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.

I’m not happy with my life.

I’m tired of “just existing.”

I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.

The state of the world has worn me out.

Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.

I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.

Read the article below and had an epiphany.

View at Medium.com

I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.

No wonder I’m going crazy.

I’m both of the following:

The Love Addict
If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.

So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.

From above article

“The Love Avoidant
If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.

An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that

Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs
Intimacy is smothering, and
I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much
You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.

Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.

Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”

Same article
Chris Farley saying "good, great."

I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)

Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!

Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️

Is my purpose for suffering?

Maybe I am a monster.

I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.

I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.

I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?

What have I done?

I hope it’s not too late.

😦

I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains

“I change myself, I change the world.”

Gloria Anzaldua Source

Have I really changed for the better?

Why do I keep fucking up?

I’m the problem.

Nobody is going to save me.

Nobody is going to stop me.

I’m on my own.

Are there pebbles I can move to get rid of this mountain range?

I don’t deserve better because I haven’t achieved better in life. All anyone is, is this current moment. Right now.

Will you keep making excuses, or will you do something about yourself, your life Reilly?

Be a man and move some pebbles. Or languish underneath them while the stones pile on.

What’s wrong with me?

Gordon Ramsey saying: Get your shit together

Who are you going to be?

I hope this post isn’t a mistake…

Great. I’m depressed. 🙃😥 Sigh.

Abortion is a right. It’s not right that it’s gone.

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I wish I could say that this is a surprise, but it isn’t.

Abortion is a right.

A woman’s right to choose is a right.

This supreme court decision is the first domino to a worse US.

Anyone who votes Republican is a monster. I’m done being nice.

I have little trust that my fellow Americans will make this right by showing up to vote in November.

Fetuses are not people.

In fact, this argument and the argument about how many weeks until they are human is built around the fact it can be measured by science. That isn’t how science works. You don’t get to pick and choose.

While we are on it, Covid is real, Vaccines are safe, to choose not to get vaccinated or mask up means you are a selfish asshole.

You can’t be pro choice and pro life with vaccines and abortion.

If you think you can get a choice not to get vaccinated, then you don’t get a say when a women chooses to get an abortion. You aren’t Pro Life if you feel you can get covid and spread it to others, causing them physical harm. Unlike Fetuses, coronavirus is real.

If you think abortion is murder, then I think you are a murderer for not being vaccinated. It’s murder to force birth, and not give any support to the child or the parents. It’s murder to not be vaccinated and be around children.

If you vote Republican, you don’t deserve any of the rights or benefits that liberals and democrats have fought for everyone since the start of this country.

You can only read this because schools exist, which are paid by tax dollars. Private schools exist because of government.

If it was possible to abort with a gun, Abortion would be legal. Not that you care what would happen to the mother after as we’ve seen in this debate. It’s always been about power and control over others.

So, no guns, no right of free expression of religion, no legal protection, no social security, no medicaid, no social security, no right to vote, no equality… Nothing. Not like you pay taxes or want to. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do in on your own. Oh wait, that’s impossible without voting or government.

Fucking go it alone.

Hate me because you don’t have a say? Because you don’t have a choice?

EXACTLY.

Rollercoaster Ride of a week…

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Rollercoaster track
Dear covid, please let me off. Please go away. Let me off, I’ve had enough of this rollercoaster.

Here we go again… Covid just doesn’t want to let go.

The past seven days have been a rollercoaster. I didn’t know I was going to be on one. I hate rollercoasters… They make me nauseous.

Song of the post: Patience (A guns n roses cover) by Chris Cornell

https://youtu.be/myZ32Pf-5PE

Another small covid outbreak at work… I know there’s another surge, but come on. Enough is enough. The timing is not great. My boss was nice about me notifying them about the doctor’s note I gave them about missing two days’ work. I went to urgent care on Sunday because I woke up with chest pain and had trouble breathing. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I got up, focused on breathing, got some water, and waited to see how I felt and to look up my symptoms on duckduckgo. I did get the vaccine two days earlier, the Moderna booster ( the previous two shots, the Pfizer vaccine series), so while I was concerned, I decided to see how I felt in the morning. I had similar but less severe symptoms, so I played it safe, called the nurse line for my healthcare, and sought advice, which was to go to urgent care. Thankfully after a series of tests, I’m okay. I can’t relax because I suspect this bill will be a couple of grand because of our shitty healthcare system in America. I have the best plan I can afford. I’m glad I’m okay on the typical tests, and this is likely a combination of panic attacks and mild booster symptoms, but ugh. I’m tired of the coronavirus and the pandemic… Tired of long Covid controlling my life. Ugh.

President Obama raising his hands like wtf

I’m already dealing with post-verbal warning emotions; I assume I was under close watch after my big mistake last week. Coco had to go to the emergency vet last Wednesday because there was blood in her urine. It turns out to be a UTI after tests. She’s been peeing in my room on clean laundry and my bed, even after I did all my laundry. I’ve had to use a spray bottle with water on Coco to stop her from peeing everywhere. We haven’t had to use this to correct her behavior for a long time. I had no choice. I take her off my bed, then she leaves the room, comes back, and tries to pee again. Thankfully it’s only a handful of drops, and I’m not seeing blood or pink-colored urine. It’s still gross. It’s frustrating because I don’t want her to suffer from pain or a UTI. It’s frustrating because I still have to deal with this while not doing great emotionally or physically. Thank goodness mom offered to help do laundry.

John Stewart saying Fuck!
Pardon me. This is how I’ve felt inside.
Astronaut brothers disguising disgust reaction.
And this.

Radical acceptance, one hour at a time.

Life’s been so stressful lately. I have to focus on what’s going well. I’m killing it with boundaries, values, and communication. I began from a Pot Hole and am choosing effective responses. The past seven days started with boundary mistakes and adjusted. I’ve been standing up for myself, what I believe is correct, and accepting feedback from others. The blow to my ego and shame from breaking my values at work is lessened. Sending an apology message to my bosses helped. Now, I have to have faith that things will work out for the best. I’m doing everything I can.

I’m not letting anxiety take over completely. Thanks past, Reilly! Because you didn’t give up on working on therapy, on yourself, or the problems you learned about Radical acceptance. I’m participating in life. I’m feeling everything. You did that. I’m filling my tank. It’s okay to ask for things you need. For help from others. It’s not black and white.

It’s not arrogant to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself when life’s tough. Or any regular day, for that matter.

Maybe this is that quote on self-improvement Instagram accounts that goes something like: “This situation is showing you what you can handle, and that you handle much more life that you think you can.”

This week is showing me that I’m ready for more. Soon as my mental and physical health recovers. I’ve been kicking ass at life, finally, despite long covid. Remember the good stuff. The small stuff. I am getting better, slowly. I am becoming a better adult, slowly. Slowly forward.

Correction: I’m taking a 3 week break

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I feel I posted the last post too soon, and I over reacted. I don’t want to be impulsive like that, so I feel this is a reasonable compromise.

I do need a long break, but not like this. Therapy will help. A longer break to allow me to focus on improving my personal life is just what I need.

I need to reconnect with offline life, family, friends, and myself.

Thanks for understanding.

Time to Return to Therapy

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I’ve hit a wall with blogging

Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had many things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog? Why write? Or the most significant obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?

I know there are answers out there and people who’ve been here before.

More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.

I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.

I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.

I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)

I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. I am being hurt again or hurting another person because of my actions.

Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.

I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.

I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.

I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposure at two different jobs.

I need to return to therapy

Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend.

Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.

Therapy work list:

  • Trust issues
  • Social anxiety
  • Pandemic PTSD
  • Help with healthy friendships
  • Life coaching
  • Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
  • And many other issues.

I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.

Man… When will I be fixed?

Thanks for reading!

What The Fuck?! (NSFW?)

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Caught with my pants down.

(Sorry mom, I know you read the blog 😂)

I want to say I was tricked, but that absolves me of blame. I fell for this. I’m upset because I was tricked. Frustrated because I fell for another catfish.

On the other hand, I’m like …fuck this! I’m not going to let a shitty person threatening me to control me. I’m not going to allow this bullshit to effect my dating or sex life.

Sexting turned into a video call with a naked woman on the other end. Things were sexy for a decent amount of time to not suspect what comes next.

She turned the tables and took a screenshot of me with my pants down caught red handed.

She threatened to expose me by mass messaging family members.

I feel kept my cool and reported for harassment and showing graphic stuff to people like nudes. Made a post on my Facebook wall, and story. Like this was so blatantly blackmail that I could be focused on protecting myself.

While I was doing this, the other person is threatening to spread the picture and a shot video of me (didn’t know about til then) in the act to everyone I know, and specifically my mom. I think I managed to block and report them in time.

I’m most baffled at the kind of human being that would do this to people! For money? Ugh. Just…. What the Fuck? What a monster.

I guess I’ve won for now. That was really scary. I’m assuming nobody has seen anything.

Somewhere out there online there might be the only nudes and sexy video of me.

I’ve never taken those kinds of pictures of myself before. Never felt the need to. In a way, I’m disappointed by that because I haven’t experienced that in a relationship yet.

( I don’t understand why guys 1) take naked pictures, and 2) send them to women on dating apps without consent or as the first message?)

I dunno if I should be posting about this. I feel stupid to be tricked, upset that I was harassed and threatened, violated because someone tried to shame me by turning on me and using my sexual needs against me.

I guess I needed to vent because I’m figuring out this hurt. I don’t know if this is grief or a long term problem?

Hm, I need to talk to a therapist.

This might be my fear or anxiety talking, but it feels right to post about it here. It’s a risky, weird post. (Am I making this situation worse, or am I overthinking it?)

It’s been really hard to stay positive lately. Fuckin life sometimes…

For the love of God, can I please avoid this ever again by being 5 years into a great romantic relationship?

Ugh.

Fight Idiots, Become an Idiot.

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A lit match burning through.
Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

One Piece, Facebook comments, and idiots(me) oh my!

” Not everything can be solved by acting recklessly.” Princess Vivi, from the anime One Piece.

In a nutshell, One Piece is about Monkey D Luffy, who is on a quest to become the King of Pirates. Luffy and his pirate crew, The strawhat pirates travel on a ship to find the ultimate treasure called One Piece. Also, there are these things in the story called Devil Fruits which grant you abilities. One is that Luffy ate the rubber-rubber fruit, which gave his body the properties of rubber. It’s epic fantasy, action focused. One of the best parts is silly character moments such as this:

” Not everything can be solved by acting recklessly.” Princess Vivi, One Piece. The straw-hat pirates land on an island, and are ambushed by the residents.

One piece episode 80 An Island Without Doctors? Adventure in a Nameless Land!
Credit, One Piece episode 80.

Vivi breaks up a tense situation with guns drawn on the ship by saying this to Luffy, who is the captain. She reminds him that they are there to find a doctor to treat the sick ship’s navigator.

I need to remember this in the future whenever I feel angry at Trump and his supporters. Basically, why am I acting out like this? What does this really accomplish?

Hooked by Troll bait.

I need to stop getting into comment fights with Trump supporters on Facebook. The past two days, I’ve been arguing with Trump supporters after I saw a post in my news feed asking why Biden supporters haven’t been bragging about his accomplishments. My reaction:

As I write this, it’s obvious that post was bait. Bait for a fight and I fell for it. Like, first thing…. BIDEN HASNT BEEN PRESIDENT FOR 2 WEEKS YET. God damnit they piss me off so much. Thank goodness that Trump is out, what really scares me is his base. Thank goodness that they were so fucking stupid on the coup January 6th. They had the doors opened for them, and with barely any police presence, with weapons, tactical gear, and armor and couldn’t succeed. Don’t forget republican white privilege… The most privileged white people in America, and they couldn’t do it. I’m not saying this wasn’t a tragedy or a good thing. That could have been so much worse if they weren’t so fucking stupid.

Just the fact that the Senate building has less security than a Seahawks game. It’s like they are villains from a Mel Brooks movie.

I can’t do anything about that. I feel ashamed, angry, and resentment as an American about this country. All due to Trump and his supporters. I do not want to forgive them. It’s his fault that the pandemic is so bad. And his supporters are overwhelmingly anti maskers and spread Covid-19 by not wearing one.

Rant continued…

Going around people without a mask is playing Russian roulette with people’s lives. It’s fucking selfish. I feel like it’s at the point where nothing else works with trump supporters/ Trump Republicans (or, MAGATS/maggots for short). Protesting isn’t acceptable. Conversation is impossible as facts, logic, good faith arguments, and boundaries don’t work. There’s no compromise. It has to be their way or nothing. They say they bipartisanship, then go back to business as usual. It wasn’t enough that republicans who support him were targets during the coup. The impeachment trial is going to go along party lines, and republicans aren’t arguing whether trump was guilty or not, they’re arguing about if it’s legal to impeach after the president leaves office. Just… No. That isn’t how a criminal trial works. It’s two sides present evidence whether they are guilty or not guilty. It doesn’t matter when you committed a crime, it’s still a crime. It’s still breaking the law, whether you’re president or not.

It should be acceptable to slap people for not wearing a mask. There needs to be criminal punishment if anyone doesn’t wear a mask. Fines against businesses. And jail time if ignored.

Whose the idiot now?

“When it comes to idiots, America’s got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.”

Lewis Black

“No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot.”

Mark Twain

I’m at the point with all that, that I don’t care about being fair, logical, or nice to Trumpers anymore. Not after covid-19. Not after the past 4 years. Not after they acted like sore losers by attempting a coup.

Ugh, I need to join a gym to work this out. Nothing quite like unleashing all your stress, anger, and frustration onto a punching bag.

Ugh, is this what I’ve become? By acting like Trump, I’m becoming what I hate. I feel like they deserve a taste of their own medicine. Each time I lash out in comments acting like this, I feel disgusting instead of relieved. I end up still feeling angry and stressed. I don’t like this person I’ve become in political comment sections.

“Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pidgeon. It’ll just knock over all the pieces, shit on the board, and strut about like it’s won anyway.”

Source

Today I made the decision to unfollow that thread. It’s not helping anything, and in the end, I’m hurting myself by arguing with people who don’t care what I say, I’m there to work out stress rather than communicate, and I have to argue against multiple bad faith bullshit claims. There is no end. All I’m doing is mental self harm.

So, I need to stop starting fights because it accomplishes nothing. Nobodies mind is changed, and I end up looking like the idiot.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

2021 is here… Now what?

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Source

Happy 2021! Out with the old, in with the new…

It’s a new year, but the problems remain. I’m the same person I was a day ago. My life still sucks. I don’t know how to fix it. Do I even want to fix it? The world sucks, and feels like it always will. Warning: Self loathing.

So, what now?

Where do I go in life from now on? What does that mean to me? What does that mean for the blog? Who am I, and who do I want to be? Honestly I just want to be.

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

Alan Wilson Watts, The Culture of Counter-Culture: Edited Transcripts

Why bother dating?

So, I am 95% sure the person I’ve been seeing online is a catfish. They won’t do a video chat, or set a time to do one. I’m giving this relationship 13 more days before I make a final decision. She did say she wants to meet in person soon, so if that doesn’t happen within that time period, I’m out. This time, maybe for good with all dating. Online dating for sure.

(Please not be true! Man I’m depressed and lonely 😐 )

At the minimum, I’m not trying any more. And since I’m a straight man, that means never again since women don’t initiate. In my limited experience with this, it means they might flirt… But be so subtle about it, that I don’t notice. Which I miss every time due to being on the autism spectrum.

Why bother dating? It requires a bunch of work, and I’d have to change for questionable benefits. Why bother learning anything at all? All it results in is more responsibility and accountability. Dating is work. I don’t care much for meeting new people. I hate the process of dating.

All I need to do is find a way to get rid of my sex drive and desire, and finally I can be free of this suffering. Life will be so much better without that. Yes this is far better than the process of dating and change. Being A-romantic and Asexual sounds awesome. While those things aren’t a choice… I sincerely wish I was those. I’m tired of having feelings and needs related to dating. It’s not worth the effort any more. It’s been a consistent bad investment.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-fold-bad-investments-in-relationships-seeing-the-bigger-picture/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-ready-to-date-can-you-handle-it-going-somewhere-but-equally-can-you-cope-with-disappointment/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/

I guess I’m not ever going to be ready to date. Dating makes me crazy. I don’t want to work on myself anymore. I don’t want to be or do anything. I only work on self esteem because I feel obligated to. Being alone is far better than not. So once again, I’m opting out. Whatever.

Why bother working?

My only purpose is to pay bills. I don’t want anything else. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t work for money ever again. I’m not rich, so I have to do something to earn money and get by. I want to go to work, do the work, and come home. I want the work day to end when I clock out. I don’t want over time, and I’m not ambitious. Money is annoying. I hate having it, and hate acquiring it. This is who I am, and I’m not changing. The only possible benefit from working is to potentially meet people for friendships. The problem is: Working isn’t a choice. Well, not a fair choice. And I have to do this until I die? Ugh.

Well that was cheerful…

This is the real me. Lazy, selfish, not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Life is bullshit, and for some reason I don’t understand, I still get up every day. Fantasy is better than reality. Man I’m tired of whining. I’m tired of things not working out. I’m tired of struggling…

Starting after tomorrow, I’ll be blogging twice a week.

While blogging every day (except for the days I missed last month) was an interesting experience, I learned that I don’t want to do it every day. I felt like the quality of writing was slipping. I felt that I was missing out on the social aspect of commenting on other blogs, and connecting with people. I don’t know what I want from blogging, so for now, it’ll remain a hobby. This blog will remain a way to consistently write, be vulnerable, and track improvement. 75 posts in and I still don’t know what this blog adventure is, so I’ll continue the random overshares until i figure out what this is.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

I Hate advertising

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From the movie They Live. Source

On Advertising & Marketing

This week I was contacted through the blog email by two different SEO marketers. One I said “Not interested. Waste of money for the size of my blog. Don’t email me anymore.” I’ve known for a while that SEO optimization is a skill I’ll have to learn. I don’t want to pay for anything I can learn for free. If there is one aspect of the internet I absolutely hate, its ads or obnoxious popups on websites. So much so, I’ve used multiple ad blockers and extensions to avoid as much advertising as possible. Currently I use: Adblock, Ghostery, Popup blocker ultimate, and Ublock Origin as Addons in Firefox. On my desktop PC I filter out more ads with Spybot.

On top of this, I only watch tv shows or movies through services that don’t have ads. The only time I see traditional ads is when I watch Seahawks games. In that case, I mute the game and browse the on my phone until the game returns. Or on Youtube for unskippable ads, I change tabs, or laser focus on the countdown clock until I can watch the video.

What is SEO?:

“Search engine optimization (SEO) is the process of improving the quality and quantity of website traffic to a website or a web page from search engines.[1] SEO targets unpaid traffic (known as “natural” or “organic” results) rather than direct traffic or paid traffic. Unpaid traffic may originate from different kinds of searches, including image search, video search, academic search,[2] news search, and industry-specific vertical search engines.

As an Internet marketing strategy, SEO considers how search engines work, the computer-programmed algorithms that dictate search engine behavior, what people search for, the actual search terms or keywords typed into search engines, and which search engines are preferred by their targeted audience. SEO is performed because a website will receive more visitors from a search engine when websites rank higher on the search engine results page (SERP). These visitors can then potentially be converted into customers.[3]” Source

Small blog problems…

On one hand, this blog is tiny and not worth spending money on. On the other, for it to grow I had to play the game and learn this stuff. I enjoy the creative aspect of blogging, not the business aspect. Whenever I read how to do this stuff, my eyes glaze over, or I stop reading about it. I don’t enjoy social media advertising, and I only am consistent posting on the blog facebook page. I already have an addict relationship with Reddit, a social media platform. So I’m wary of spending any more time online. I worried that I will become addicted to other social media websites.

Nothing kills my interest faster in blogging when I go and read how to grow your blog posts, and met with SEO or social media adverting. It feels like a waste of time to invest years of effort and work into blogging for essentially a small business. I don’t want to start a business of any kind. Because that is a gamble. As the saying goes…. More money more problems. I don’t want to ruin my writing hobby by doing it for work.

Modern life is advertising

Along with this, I don’t enjoy the marketing aspect of work or dating. the thing I struggle with most in seeking work is writing cover letters. Not because I don’t know how to do it, but because its dishonest. Writing cover letters for entry level work feels so forced and phony. No I am not passionate about your company or workplace. I don’t know anything about how it actually operates on a daily basis or the work culture. I have to make a decision based on biased information that the company presents. I don’t want to network, I don’t have a linkedin nor do I want one. My ideal job is one that I forget exists when I leave the workplace.

So I and everyone else put up with browsing job ads, sell yourself through your cover letter, and sell yourself in the interview. Every interview is essentially a blind date.

Dating is advertising

Though I am dating someone now, I hate dating. My entire life I wanted to skip this step to the relationship part. I never actually wanted to do the process of dating. I don’t enjoy meeting new people. I’m an introvert, and I don’t need many friends. Dating is advertising. Once you get into a relationship it’s work. At it’s most basic form, you choose your partner every day. You choose to continue communication and resolve issues that come up. You choose to do stuff together to maintain the relationship. It’s supposed to be a bonus to two independent individuals who take care of themselves. In the best situation, this isn’t hard to do because both people understand each other and communicate on the same level. In bad relationships this doesn’t happen because of incompatibility, one party isn’t willing to grow, or its an abusive relationship.

I like being by myself and enjoy solitude. I’m very independent.

More on my thoughts about searching for entry level work here. (Irony in action… By pimping my own work.)

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