2021 is here… Now what?
Happy 2021! Out with the old, in with the new…
It’s a new year, but the problems remain. I’m the same person I was a day ago. My life still sucks. I don’t know how to fix it. Do I even want to fix it? The world sucks, and feels like it always will. Warning: Self loathing.
So, what now?
Where do I go in life from now on? What does that mean to me? What does that mean for the blog? Who am I, and who do I want to be? Honestly I just want to be.
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
Alan Wilson Watts, The Culture of Counter-Culture: Edited Transcripts
Why bother dating?
So, I am 95% sure the person I’ve been seeing online is a catfish. They won’t do a video chat, or set a time to do one. I’m giving this relationship 13 more days before I make a final decision. She did say she wants to meet in person soon, so if that doesn’t happen within that time period, I’m out. This time, maybe for good with all dating. Online dating for sure.
(Please not be true! Man I’m depressed and lonely 😐 )
At the minimum, I’m not trying any more. And since I’m a straight man, that means never again since women don’t initiate. In my limited experience with this, it means they might flirt… But be so subtle about it, that I don’t notice. Which I miss every time due to being on the autism spectrum.
Why bother dating? It requires a bunch of work, and I’d have to change for questionable benefits. Why bother learning anything at all? All it results in is more responsibility and accountability. Dating is work. I don’t care much for meeting new people. I hate the process of dating.
All I need to do is find a way to get rid of my sex drive and desire, and finally I can be free of this suffering. Life will be so much better without that. Yes this is far better than the process of dating and change. Being A-romantic and Asexual sounds awesome. While those things aren’t a choice… I sincerely wish I was those. I’m tired of having feelings and needs related to dating. It’s not worth the effort any more. It’s been a consistent bad investment.
I guess I’m not ever going to be ready to date. Dating makes me crazy. I don’t want to work on myself anymore. I don’t want to be or do anything. I only work on self esteem because I feel obligated to. Being alone is far better than not. So once again, I’m opting out. Whatever.
Why bother working?
My only purpose is to pay bills. I don’t want anything else. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t work for money ever again. I’m not rich, so I have to do something to earn money and get by. I want to go to work, do the work, and come home. I want the work day to end when I clock out. I don’t want over time, and I’m not ambitious. Money is annoying. I hate having it, and hate acquiring it. This is who I am, and I’m not changing. The only possible benefit from working is to potentially meet people for friendships. The problem is: Working isn’t a choice. Well, not a fair choice. And I have to do this until I die? Ugh.
Well that was cheerful…
This is the real me. Lazy, selfish, not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Life is bullshit, and for some reason I don’t understand, I still get up every day. Fantasy is better than reality. Man I’m tired of whining. I’m tired of things not working out. I’m tired of struggling…
Starting after tomorrow, I’ll be blogging twice a week.
While blogging every day (except for the days I missed last month) was an interesting experience, I learned that I don’t want to do it every day. I felt like the quality of writing was slipping. I felt that I was missing out on the social aspect of commenting on other blogs, and connecting with people. I don’t know what I want from blogging, so for now, it’ll remain a hobby. This blog will remain a way to consistently write, be vulnerable, and track improvement. 75 posts in and I still don’t know what this blog adventure is, so I’ll continue the random overshares until i figure out what this is.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.
Reilly's blog 
My heart feels sad for you, and yet you still made me smile.
I thought of that song, ”Today I don’t feel like doing anything’…
Would you believe that I had days where I wake up feeling similar to the things you have listed above? I am not on the autism spectrum, and yet I share your frustration and exhaustion regarding dating!
The only encouragement I have to offer you is this : allowing yourself to actually feel these things is a must! It’s part of a process that so many human beings try and skip and it never ends well for them.
Where do you go in life from here? Well, you just keep going on your journey. Just keep showing up! For ALL the days. Because there WILL be some where good things will come along, and if you stop showing up, you’ll miss out!
Thank you for your wonderfully honest blog posts. I always look forward to reading them!
Keep on keeping on!
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Thank you so much for this wonderful response! I’m not sure the handful of good days is worth all the bad. Well, now I have some things to narrow down and discuss with my therapist. Thanks for following the blog, and being concerned with my well being! 😁
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I’ll be thinking of you. Here’s hoping that you therapist helps 😉 Every good day is always worth celebrating – please never forget that! ❤
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Hey, Reilly. I understand and feel your frustration. About bogus relationships, the innate bogosity common in online dating. But, more essentially: the struggle we all have in finding close, meaningful, plus physically compatible partnerships. Hey: I truly think the majority flow thru life making do, wishing they had the relationship they envision, the relationship they crave. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. My son, Andy, “fell” in love at age 19, she left him 3 years later, and until he “found” Gianna at age 34 I felt like he kinda doubted the reality of true love, real partnership.
Hang in there, Dude. Be open, compassionate, creative…and patient.
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Thank you so much for this Linda! I guess this is so difficult because I have to assume the real thing exists ala faith.
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Hey, Dating is SO hard. For all of us. I can’t even imagine trying to do it in a pandemic. I’m not exactly the poster child for “successful relationships” so maybe I don’t even have anything helpful to say. I almost always end relationships with the strong conviction that it’s not worth it and I’ll never fall in love again… until I do.
But that’s not what I came over there to say. Your “This is the real me” paragraph? Um, that might be a tiny bit harsh. Mostly the “Lazy, selfish, not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything.” Yikes! Would you say that to a friend who was going through the same things you are?
I love reading your blog and think you have lots of courage and strength.
Also, thanks to you, I now have the song “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again” playing in my head. https://youtu.be/-qaZPikeMqE
Take care of yourself. 💜
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Wait – wrong link for the song in my heart. THIS ONE: https://youtu.be/FzQBOBoPg04
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Thanks so much for this, Olivia. I think this was one of those posts where i didn’t realize how low I was feeling until after when I got these comments, and had my mother ask me if I was okay. I feel like I overshared, and that stuff should have been in an email to my therapist. Oh well. I’ll send it to her and see what she thinks… When you mentioned that song, I thought of the version from the Austin Powers movies and smiled. I have an update today to add to blog about soon. Thanks so much!
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Well, I don’t know about oversharing cause my blog pretty much is my therapist these days so I probably overshare routinely. I’m glad the song made you smile though. I wasn’t familiar with the Austin Powers version – I don’t watch movies – so I had to hop over to youtube and check it out. That is PERFECT! Yes, exactly that.
Anyhow. I’m looking forward to your update!
💜
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