I wish I could say that this is a surprise, but it isn’t.
Abortion is a right.
A woman’s right to choose is a right.
This supreme court decision is the first domino to a worse US.
Anyone who votes Republican is a monster. I’m done being nice.
I have little trust that my fellow Americans will make this right by showing up to vote in November.
Fetuses are not people.
In fact, this argument and the argument about how many weeks until they are human is built around the fact it can be measured by science. That isn’t how science works. You don’t get to pick and choose.
While we are on it, Covid is real, Vaccines are safe, to choose not to get vaccinated or mask up means you are a selfish asshole.
You can’t be pro choice and pro life with vaccines and abortion.
If you think you can get a choice not to get vaccinated, then you don’t get a say when a women chooses to get an abortion. You aren’t Pro Life if you feel you can get covid and spread it to others, causing them physical harm. Unlike Fetuses, coronavirus is real.
If you think abortion is murder, then I think you are a murderer for not being vaccinated. It’s murder to force birth, and not give any support to the child or the parents. It’s murder to not be vaccinated and be around children.
If you vote Republican, you don’t deserve any of the rights or benefits that liberals and democrats have fought for everyone since the start of this country.
You can only read this because schools exist, which are paid by tax dollars. Private schools exist because of government.
If it was possible to abort with a gun, Abortion would be legal. Not that you care what would happen to the mother after as we’ve seen in this debate. It’s always been about power and control over others.
So, no guns, no right of free expression of religion, no legal protection, no social security, no medicaid, no social security, no right to vote, no equality… Nothing. Not like you pay taxes or want to. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do in on your own. Oh wait, that’s impossible without voting or government.
Fucking go it alone.
Hate me because you don’t have a say? Because you don’t have a choice?
Another small covid outbreak at work… I know there’s another surge, but come on. Enough is enough. The timing is not great. My boss was nice about me notifying them about the doctor’s note I gave them about missing two days’ work. I went to urgent care on Sunday because I woke up with chest pain and had trouble breathing. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I got up, focused on breathing, got some water, and waited to see how I felt and to look up my symptoms on duckduckgo. I did get the vaccine two days earlier, the Moderna booster ( the previous two shots, the Pfizer vaccine series), so while I was concerned, I decided to see how I felt in the morning. I had similar but less severe symptoms, so I played it safe, called the nurse line for my healthcare, and sought advice, which was to go to urgent care. Thankfully after a series of tests, I’m okay. I can’t relax because I suspect this bill will be a couple of grand because of our shitty healthcare system in America. I have the best plan I can afford. I’m glad I’m okay on the typical tests, and this is likely a combination of panic attacks and mild booster symptoms, but ugh. I’m tired of the coronavirus and the pandemic… Tired of long Covid controlling my life. Ugh.
I’m already dealing with post-verbal warning emotions; I assume I was under close watch after my big mistake last week. Coco had to go to the emergency vet last Wednesday because there was blood in her urine. It turns out to be a UTI after tests. She’s been peeing in my room on clean laundry and my bed, even after I did all my laundry. I’ve had to use a spray bottle with water on Coco to stop her from peeing everywhere. We haven’t had to use this to correct her behavior for a long time. I had no choice. I take her off my bed, then she leaves the room, comes back, and tries to pee again. Thankfully it’s only a handful of drops, and I’m not seeing blood or pink-colored urine. It’s still gross. It’s frustrating because I don’t want her to suffer from pain or a UTI. It’s frustrating because I still have to deal with this while not doing great emotionally or physically. Thank goodness mom offered to help do laundry.
Pardon me. This is how I’ve felt inside.And this.
Radical acceptance, one hour at a time.
Life’s been so stressful lately. I have to focus on what’s going well. I’m killing it with boundaries, values, and communication. I began from a Pot Hole and am choosing effective responses. The past seven days started with boundary mistakes and adjusted. I’ve been standing up for myself, what I believe is correct, and accepting feedback from others. The blow to my ego and shame from breaking my values at work is lessened. Sending an apology message to my bosses helped. Now, I have to have faith that things will work out for the best. I’m doing everything I can.
I’m not letting anxiety take over completely. Thanks past, Reilly! Because you didn’t give up on working on therapy, on yourself, or the problems you learned about Radical acceptance. I’m participating in life. I’m feeling everything. You did that. I’m filling my tank. It’s okay to ask for things you need. For help from others. It’s not black and white.
It’s not arrogant to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself when life’s tough. Or any regular day, for that matter.
Maybe this is that quote on self-improvement Instagram accounts that goes something like: “This situation is showing you what you can handle, and that you handle much more life that you think you can.”
This week is showing me that I’m ready for more. Soon as my mental and physical health recovers. I’ve been kicking ass at life, finally, despite long covid. Remember the good stuff. The small stuff. I am getting better, slowly. I am becoming a better adult, slowly. Slowly forward.
It’s a new year, but the problems remain. I’m the same person I was a day ago. My life still sucks. I don’t know how to fix it. Do I even want to fix it? The world sucks, and feels like it always will. Warning: Self loathing.
So, what now?
Where do I go in life from now on? What does that mean to me? What does that mean for the blog? Who am I, and who do I want to be? Honestly I just want to be.
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
So, I am 95% sure the person I’ve been seeing online is a catfish. They won’t do a video chat, or set a time to do one. I’m giving this relationship 13 more days before I make a final decision. She did say she wants to meet in person soon, so if that doesn’t happen within that time period, I’m out. This time, maybe for good with all dating. Online dating for sure.
(Please not be true! Man I’m depressed and lonely 😐 )
At the minimum, I’m not trying any more. And since I’m a straight man, that means never again since women don’t initiate. In my limited experience with this, it means they might flirt… But be so subtle about it, that I don’t notice. Which I miss every time due to being on the autism spectrum.
Why bother dating? It requires a bunch of work, and I’d have to change for questionable benefits. Why bother learning anything at all? All it results in is more responsibility and accountability. Dating is work. I don’t care much for meeting new people. I hate the process of dating.
All I need to do is find a way to get rid of my sex drive and desire, and finally I can be free of this suffering. Life will be so much better without that. Yes this is far better than the process of dating and change. Being A-romantic and Asexual sounds awesome. While those things aren’t a choice… I sincerely wish I was those. I’m tired of having feelings and needs related to dating. It’s not worth the effort any more. It’s been a consistent bad investment.
I guess I’m not ever going to be ready to date. Dating makes me crazy. I don’t want to work on myself anymore. I don’t want to be or do anything. I only work on self esteem because I feel obligated to. Being alone is far better than not. So once again, I’m opting out. Whatever.
Why bother working?
My only purpose is to pay bills. I don’t want anything else. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t work for money ever again. I’m not rich, so I have to do something to earn money and get by. I want to go to work, do the work, and come home. I want the work day to end when I clock out. I don’t want over time, and I’m not ambitious. Money is annoying. I hate having it, and hate acquiring it. This is who I am, and I’m not changing. The only possible benefit from working is to potentially meet people for friendships. The problem is: Working isn’t a choice. Well, not a fair choice. And I have to do this until I die? Ugh.
Well that was cheerful…
This is the real me. Lazy, selfish, not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Life is bullshit, and for some reason I don’t understand, I still get up every day. Fantasy is better than reality. Man I’m tired of whining. I’m tired of things not working out. I’m tired of struggling…
Starting after tomorrow, I’ll be blogging twice a week.
While blogging every day (except for the days I missed last month) was an interesting experience, I learned that I don’t want to do it every day. I felt like the quality of writing was slipping. I felt that I was missing out on the social aspect of commenting on other blogs, and connecting with people. I don’t know what I want from blogging, so for now, it’ll remain a hobby. This blog will remain a way to consistently write, be vulnerable, and track improvement. 75 posts in and I still don’t know what this blog adventure is, so I’ll continue the random overshares until i figure out what this is.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
This week I was contacted through the blog email by two different SEO marketers. One I said “Not interested. Waste of money for the size of my blog. Don’t email me anymore.” I’ve known for a while that SEO optimization is a skill I’ll have to learn. I don’t want to pay for anything I can learn for free. If there is one aspect of the internet I absolutely hate, its ads or obnoxious popups on websites. So much so, I’ve used multiple ad blockers and extensions to avoid as much advertising as possible. Currently I use: Adblock, Ghostery, Popup blocker ultimate, and Ublock Origin as Addons in Firefox. On my desktop PC I filter out more ads with Spybot.
On top of this, I only watch tv shows or movies through services that don’t have ads. The only time I see traditional ads is when I watch Seahawks games. In that case, I mute the game and browse the on my phone until the game returns. Or on Youtube for unskippable ads, I change tabs, or laser focus on the countdown clock until I can watch the video.
As an Internet marketing strategy, SEO considers how search engines work, the computer-programmed algorithms that dictate search engine behavior, what people search for, the actual search terms or keywords typed into search engines, and which search engines are preferred by their targeted audience. SEO is performed because a website will receive more visitors from a search engine when websites rank higher on the search engine results page (SERP). These visitors can then potentially be converted into customers.[3]” Source
Small blog problems…
On one hand, this blog is tiny and not worth spending money on. On the other, for it to grow I had to play the game and learn this stuff. I enjoy the creative aspect of blogging, not the business aspect. Whenever I read how to do this stuff, my eyes glaze over, or I stop reading about it. I don’t enjoy social media advertising, and I only am consistent posting on the blog facebook page. I already have an addict relationship with Reddit, a social media platform. So I’m wary of spending any more time online. I worried that I will become addicted to other social media websites.
Nothing kills my interest faster in blogging when I go and read how to grow your blog posts, and met with SEO or social media adverting. It feels like a waste of time to invest years of effort and work into blogging for essentially a small business. I don’t want to start a business of any kind. Because that is a gamble. As the saying goes…. More money more problems. I don’t want to ruin my writing hobby by doing it for work.
Modern life is advertising
Along with this, I don’t enjoy the marketing aspect of work or dating. the thing I struggle with most in seeking work is writing cover letters. Not because I don’t know how to do it, but because its dishonest. Writing cover letters for entry level work feels so forced and phony. No I am not passionate about your company or workplace. I don’t know anything about how it actually operates on a daily basis or the work culture. I have to make a decision based on biased information that the company presents. I don’t want to network, I don’t have a linkedin nor do I want one. My ideal job is one that I forget exists when I leave the workplace.
So I and everyone else put up with browsing job ads, sell yourself through your cover letter, and sell yourself in the interview. Every interview is essentially a blind date.
Dating is advertising
Though I am dating someone now, I hate dating. My entire life I wanted to skip this step to the relationship part. I never actually wanted to do the process of dating. I don’t enjoy meeting new people. I’m an introvert, and I don’t need many friends. Dating is advertising. Once you get into a relationship it’s work. At it’s most basic form, you choose your partner every day. You choose to continue communication and resolve issues that come up. You choose to do stuff together to maintain the relationship. It’s supposed to be a bonus to two independent individuals who take care of themselves. In the best situation, this isn’t hard to do because both people understand each other and communicate on the same level. In bad relationships this doesn’t happen because of incompatibility, one party isn’t willing to grow, or its an abusive relationship.
I like being by myself and enjoy solitude. I’m very independent.
More on my thoughts about searching for entry level work here. (Irony in action… By pimping my own work.)
So, I’m behind on the 31 posts I promised to deliver this month. I’m a couple posts behind as of today.
Why? A couple reasons. I haven’t felt creative because my life isn’t balanced right now. I’ve been stressed out because my unemployment ran out Saturday, and I only have one shift left at my current job.
Christmas usually fills a couple needs such as family connection, creativity, and expressing my love language of gift giving. Instead, covid shopping was stressful, Christmas turned into a family argument, and it felt like a lame birthday. Guess I’m burned out again.
Home doesn’t feel like home…
While this is the house I grew up in and lived all my life, it’s not home. Along with this, I haven’t left the country for 12 years. All because my combination of untreated depression, anxiety, ADHD, and autism controlled my life.
Maybe its because my residence feels like a solitary confinement cell. While I can leave the house, I’m tired of all the surroundings in walking distance. I haven’t wanted to live here for years, and have been burned out by Seattle for years.
Work/life Catch-22…
While I should be grateful that I have this treated now, it’s frustrating to be here in the pandemic. Can’t move out because I need a job for money over time. Limited in work I can do because of my health. Apply to work, but not hear back from employers, or am not chosen. Can’t get a job farther away because I don’t have my own car. Can’t buy a car because I need to live off my savings because I’m unemployed and don’t know how long this will last. Every job has hundreds to thousands of people applying.
Distanced Girlfriend…
I have an girlfriend, but it’s online only for now, essentially a long distance relationship due to the coronavirus risk. I’m paranoid she’s a catfish. Positive signs are that she hasn’t asked for things, she wants to meet up, the gift she promised was delivered, and the background research I’ve done has checked out. With this, I’ve prepared myself by researching how catfish scams work. On the positive side, I’ll get to experience all the wonderful things I’ve missed out on once we meet. She is my first girlfriend ever. Hopefully the last if things continue to go well! (I like to think I’ll be okay for whatever happens. There is no guarantee in love or life.)
The tie Xmas present from my lady!
I hate that catfishing is a thing…
The blog in 2021
On January 2, 2021 (This Saturday! Holy crap! 2020 is almost over!!!), I’ll be returning to posting once a week. I feel the quality of posts has declined lately, and with the pandemic not likely to end soon, it’s the best I can do. I need more time to refill the creative tank. Catching up with friends, family, and my lady over text doesn’t fill my needs for human connection much.
Writing every day has been fulfilling. Every person, and especially creative people need to be a part of the world. I’m no different. My tank is low and I need a refill. This goal was great because it forced me to push me to improving. To find my limits, and grow.
I didn’t think I would feel this need for social connections with people as a former hermit… As a person recovering from social anxiety. 2020 has been a strange year…
Song of the post:
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
We need to talk. Let’s get one thing straight. A work relationship is a conditional relationship. Which means that this is an agreement to meet both of needs based on the conditions of the job, and mutual matching needs of the employee and employer. I am not your friend, though if everything goes well, maybe in the future after the employer-employee relationship is over. We are not family. Nobody growing up said that their “passion” is to work a minimum wage job. At best you are a transient stepping stone to a better career.
Fuck you for requiring a bachelors degree for entry level pay. I am fortunate at this time to not have any college debt because my first degree was a trade school for Culinary arts at a community college. I was lucky to get grants to pay for it. According to a Forbes article from 02/03/2020, the average student loan debt is: “for members of the Class of 2018 is $29,200, a 2% increase from the prior year, according to the Institute for College Access and Success.” It’s hard to pay so many bills when you start from behind, and that doesn’t include credit card debt, rent, or basic expenses. Its really hard to get by on minimum wage. In fact:
Every $1 increase in minimum wage decreases suicide rate by up to 6%
No, I don’t want to work a flexible schedule, or be open to working 7 days a week. This is code for split days off. Humans thrive on routine, not chaos. This affects my work production because I have no time to fully unwind. Because I’m exhausted from working, and can’t make plans. I want a life outside of work, and I can’t do that without a predictable schedule. So no, I will not commit to a place I have to be at 7 days a week on call, when you won’t respect your employees basic needs. This is a privilege only for my family, loved ones, and dear friends. No I won’t work holidays. I don’t care if you pay time and a half. I’ll never have that time back with my family and friends. The CEO isn’t working and is off.
Flexible.
Clo-open
No I won’t work a closing shift followed by an opening morning shift, otherwise known as “Clopen”. I used to work in the restaurant industry and did this for a bit, and never want to again. The fact that this is still legal is appalling. I might as well be working 16 hours straight. I’d rather work 16 hours and have a day off after than do this bullshit. I have to go home and somehow make due with maybe 6 hours of sleep after getting home at 2am… While you want me there at 9 am for the morning shift. of course I’ve never seen you work this shift boss. The only people who do this are those vulnerable immigrants who make these jobs possible. Who are desperate for any kind of work because American society won’t give them a fair chance at citizenship. They can’t complain about being paid under the table, or make less than minimum wage while doing the hardest jobs, being the hardest working people I have ever met. They can’t complain because they will be deported. That is an abusive relationship, and employers who further this are enabling this abuse for profit.
No I don’t want to work overtime. Not for time and a half minimum wage pay. (I’ve done this once before when I had a good paying job as a truck driver and it was too much. I didn’t have a social life because work was so unsuitable) For many people at the bottom, this isn’t a choice because they need to pay bills. I have and want a life outside of work. Required overtime at entry level might as well mean “disposable, replaceable employees”. In some industries you are competing with unpaid interns from college.
Any “profit” made from the time and a half is negated because I’ll have to eat out to get a decent meal. Because I often don’t have time to plan ahead because of your last minute schedule change.
Fast paced? Fast pass.
Fast paced work environment and multitasking? Get a robot. Pass.
“Willing to assume additional responsibility” Sure as long as you are willing to pay additional money.
“Outgoing personality” This isn’t a customer service job. I know because I’m not suited for that type of work, and filtered those posts out on indeed. Stop burying this requirement halfway down the post. It’s dishonest at worst, and wasting everyone’s time at best. Everyone can’t do every job, that is being human. This is discrimination against introverts.
Team player
I am only a team player because it’s not a choice. I’m curious which “team player” from which sport you are referring to. If this is any of the big American professional sports, this means you will cut me from the team whenever I get too expensive while you draft a replacement for pennies. Glad to know you will be playing by the rules of a team owner billionaire. Meanwhile my “coaches” will be finding ways to screw the players over so they can maybe make more money.
I feel like the Center lineman in team play or groups.
Honestly employers need to stop putting this in job descriptions. What it translates to in real life is: “I as an employee will sacrifice my dignity and time so the business thrives while I am paid the same amount.” None of us are pro athletes. It’s get along with strangers or lose your job. I get along with people and work well with others. It’s insulting to have this pointed out so much in postings. Do people really not know this? 🤔
You are not my friend or family.
Management: you are not my friend or my family because this is a conditional relationship. We employees are here for the money and the benefits you provide to pay bills. This is an “at will” State. Which means you can fire employees if we mess up too much (valid) or you don’t like us. That’s it. Yeah, there is the rare unicorn who does this as a “passion”. They’d do it for free either way. It would be like paying a crackhead to get high every day. (Coworker friends are awesome!)
What employers expect when they say “like family” in entry level jobs.
10k life insurance policy? Glad to know my death is only worth the value of a used car. Which the insurance company will be fighting 24/7 to not pay out because they too only care about money over humans. I’ll be missed at work until you find someone new to hire in a week.
Reality.
“Customer service”
“With a commitment to delighting customers”. I didn’t realize prostitution had a job description. I know Amazon wants to take over the world, then take over Mars, but I didn’t realize their next move was into prostitution. Not that surprising based on how they treat their low level workers. I haven’t had a prostitute relationship before, and don’t really want to have one, but I know what to expect from them. Which is being honest communicators because they know it’s a transactional relationship.
See if you can guess what this Amazon job posting is for?
Actual phrases used in an amazon job:
High School or equivalent diploma
1+ years experience in a retail or customer facing environment
Candidates must be at least 18 years of age
Amazon does not sponsor for immigration, including for H-1B, TN, and other non-immigrant visas, for this role.
**This is a flex time position, averaging 0-19 hours/week**
unique, physical extension of Amazon.com, unique in-store shopping experience where customers can discover the next product they’ll love and interact with our knowledgeable and engaging associate. (Nothing like the combination of a prostitute and MLM seller all in one. I doubt people who go to sex workers want to buy tupperware.)
You are flexible while working in an ambiguous environment with strong attention to detail, possess the ability to quickly prioritize tasks, collaborate, multi-task, (Flexible in an ambigous environment and collaborate/multitask with customers? ….So kinky sex in a back alley? LOL)
e a willingness and enjoy learning new things, with a commitment to delighting our customers.
help identify customer needs and exercise great judgement in handling requests or difficult customer interactions. (Must have a happy ending, and handle their “needs” while not having a pimp as security)
facilitates discovery of anything Amazon has to offer including device demonstrations in a simple and accessible way. (Aka experimenting with sexuality and sex toys… Amazon prime brand)
Follow standard processes, identify opportunities for improvements and escalate when appropriate in a timely manner (lol)
Handle cash and provide accurate change to customers.
Must be able to work flexible hours including nights, weekends and holidays
You are comfortable working in a physical environment. You have the ability to lift up to 49 pounds and be on your feet for shifts lasting up to 10 hours at a time with or without reasonable accommodation
My guess is this classic song by Chef from South Park:
If you’ve been living in a cave without tv, internet or contact with the world, (and lets be real, most of us have all of those things) The world sucks.
The world has plenty of problems to solve, and it needs all the help it can get.
I don’t feel entitled to not work, or to not contribute to society. This year has felt like a sports off-season, where a team dumps all it’s players to rebuild it’s roster. To use a common sports idiom to describe my off-season mental journey… I’m in the best (mental/mature) shape of my life. So it’s my responsibility to have the best season(year) ever. I’m working every day to be the best person I can be. (…Or so I tell myself to psych myself up. Gotta be positive too! Every bit counts.)
I did the best I could at that time, sometimes life works out a certain way. Thankfully I am at peace that I need to constantly be working on myself. That’s life.
All I want is a job I can reasonably do, with reasonable livable pay, with consistent hours and possible health benefits. Where I can make a positive impact on the world, while having a life outside of work. Where I enjoy going into work everyday because I have a healthy work environment.
Since I started working at age 22, I’ve never had the right combinations of job fit, pay, hours, consistency, and healthy work environment at one job. I know perfection isn’t possible. I just want a reasonable compromise so the needs of my employer and me are met. I thought I finally found that for my job at clēēn:craft. It sucks that there’s no work because our great product didn’t sell. On to the next thing.
And don’t even get me started on writing jobs that “Pay for exposure”… While they own all rights to the content you produce for them in perpetuity. AKA FOREVER. 🙄
George Carlin may be dead, but his material is timeless:
Sigh. Back to looking for entry level work while I figure out my long term work plan… At least I have a place to live, food, water, clothing, family and friends. And that I’m getting help from a Career Counselor through my therapist. I find a job that I like… and I’m laid off because the product doesn’t sell. So I have that going for me…
FYI it’s Tuesday… Also, don’t be the person that says this.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
So much for ever working another entry or minimum wage jobs after this post >_> 😅🤦♂️
Honestly I was really tired yesterday. No matter what job I do, I need the first weekend day to recover and not do anything. Add in that I was essentially laid off after this week, and that the conversation with the person I met on Tinder went sour, I didn’t have it. That is why I didn’t post yesterday.
Well, it is how it is.
I’m going to try and post one more time today to make up for it. This blogging marathon is a promise I made to myself, and you readers, so I must deliver on it. After all, the world only cares about results.
This new situationship with the lady I met on Tinder is giving me pause and reevaluating it. I’m going on a gut feeling since I can’t rely on practical wisdom to evaluate. I only have a little dating experience, and I’m not much of a people person. My gut is telling me something is off. I am hoping this is a temporary blip. Guess this is another wait and see situation. I simply don’t have enough information to make a decision. Being patient is reasonable since the relationship is new.
There is no commitment because we haven’t had the talk, and I believe we are only friends at the moment. I haven’t even known her a month yet, so I’ll be patient. If this is the end, it wasn’t meant to be. I am only responsible for my part. Maybe I’m not ready for dating. But I’ve never felt ready for it. Honestly the more I learn about dating, and how women work, the less interested I become. I’m still attracted to women… But getting to a successful relationship feels like a pain in the ass and not worth what is essentially a fantasy.
I don’t like dating.
Pretty much my experience dating.
Tired of being alone, like solitude
I saw this video for the first time yesterday, and it’s been something on my mind for a while now. I’ve already spent years of my life mostly alone – Through being agoraphobic, or choosing jobs which don’t require much social interaction such as truck driving or kitchen work. I’m not agoraphobic anymore, but since I’m dating again, I wonder if accepting that I might live the rest of my life without a romantic partner is a necessary step in life. Or if that is even a bad thing at all?
My overall disappointing experience with dating means that a normal healthy relationship is a fantasy to me. You can’t miss what you don’t know. And dating is a enormous pain in the ass these days. Especially for someone like me that doesn’t like meeting new people, and keeps to himself.
I wish I didn’t have sexual needs or romantic needs. They feel like an annoyance that I put up with because I have to. I’d rather not have either of them because they detract from my quality of life.
Social distancing
I’m completely comfortable being by myself. So much that I wonder if I even need people in my life at all. The pandemic lifestyle this year has answered that… I do need people in my life, and I look forward to having friends and family that add to my life. On the other hand, a life without other people’s bs sounds amazing.
That said, I don’t want to continue this hermit lifestyle. I guess a compromise is a life by myself with a handful of solid friendships.
Health and work
At a basic level, humanity needs a huge amount of people to maintain modern life. At our most basic need, we need people to grow food, maintain our living spaces, keep the water potable, the air clean to breathe, people to make or distribute clothing, and people to pay us for work.
I don’t really care what I do for work as long as it doesn’t make me exhausted. As long as it pays the bills and isn’t a pain in the ass to do, that’s enough. I don’t care if people dislike me or not. In the end, all we have is ourselves.
Thanks for reading my rant. I’m tired of struggling and things not working out. I’m long past feeling sorry for myself. I’m so tired of complaining. I’m especially tired of having all my mental health problems. Not being enough as I am. I feel like this year, I’ve complained more than I ever have. Being creative has been especially difficult because life has been so limited. I’ve felt especially frustrated because my biggest problems in life have been with interacting with people in person, such as social anxiety and being on the spectrum. I’m so tired of being patient.
Maybe this will resonate with someone else, so I’ll post this anyway.
Song of the post:
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To be honest, I have no plan for achieving this writing goal of 1 post a day for the month of December. I’ve been thinking about goals, and decided to just go for it and do it. Last month I wanted to do Nanowrimo, but I didn’t do it because I was distracted by the arduous 2020 election here in the US.
I’ve been a Biden Supporter, so it was fantastic to see him win. I’ve been horrified this year as Trump made the corona virus pandemic into a political issue rather than a human issue. Then Trump challenging all the swing states in court drew the election out further. I don’t have a problem with him wanting recounts to verify results. Acting like a buffoon wasn’t necessary. 50 days to go until he is out of office for good. After that, it will be another few months until the new politicians in DC come up with an plan to tackle Covid-19. So, I’m preparing myself for another 6-8 months of lock down life. I hate lock down life. And I feel like an idiot because I’ve been wearing a mask, avoiding people and groups by distancing, and staying at home since March… All while half this country doesn’t because they don’t care about other people. Because of that this disaster will drag on into 2021. It’s not like wearing a mask over your mouth and nose is difficult, or standing 6 feet away from people, or avoiding crowds. The covid pandemic has permanently changed my mind about America. My feeling is that now it will require harsh laws to get people to follow. I really wish Joe Biden would say: “Shut the fuck up, put on a mask, distance from people, and grow up. Nobody gets their way 100% of the time.” It’s bullshit that these people get access to vaccines. It’s rewarding bad behavior. Instead of a stimulus check, these people should be sent a bill to pay for the hospital costs of the dead. I’m tired of being bitter.
Yeah, Yeah, I’m tired of beating the dead horse about this too…
274,743 Americans are currently dead. With more going to die into next year from Covid-19. 9/11 happened when I was a teenager, and during that time, those same people were saying we needed to unify as a country to prevent another 9/11 from happening. That it could happen every day. Well, here we are. In the past 3 days alone, more people have died from covid than during 9/11. 2996 people died then, 3281 people in the past 3 days in the US from covid. Source. Though the war in Afghanistan goes on, it doesn’t have to. Humanity has no idea what the long term effects of Covid-19 exposure are. I forgot where I was going with this, so in summary, I am ashamed to be an American. I’m embarrassed at other American adults right now in the pandemic. No I won’t forget how you acted this year. Not following the safety guidelines is a moral issue. To not follow them, or scoff at this simple request is a demonstration of your poor values. I feel like Rowdy Roddy Piper in the following scene from the movie They Live (If you haven’t seen it before, I recommend you watch it today! I don’t want to give away too much, but it is a Sci-fi masterpiece):
Shut the fuck up and put on your mask properly outside. Stand 6 feet from others. I’m done being polite.
Maybe I should start bringing a 6 foot pole around.
This interview of President Obama really hits the nail on how I feel right now. Exhausted. Boy it’s nice to watch a president and feel at ease.
Despite how maddening right now is, I am doing all I can, which is the only thing I can control. I’ve felt like a hermit this year, spending the year working on my problems and myself because I can’t do anything else. While I have spent the other part of the year online, browsing Reddit, watching anime, tv, and movies, I’m tired of it. As a recovering agoraphobic, I didn’t think that I would miss being around people. I certainly didn’t expect that I would be comfortable talking to women or being comfortable to date. I think I’ve struggled the most this year with if I have made progress or grown as a person. Internal validation only goes so far when your struggles are around socializing with people. I think the only reason I’ve stayed somewhat sane this year is by focusing on goals.
Yeah that. The #1 goal this year.
Current goals:
Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
Goal: find a long term career.
Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
Goal: hang out with friends.
Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.
Songs of the post:
Tired of being alone by Al Green
Living in America by James Brown
No scrubs by TLC
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
My lifelong mortal enemy strikes again to make life difficult: So Sunday I sent in a prescription in for a refill because it ran out. Following my doctors plan, I was expecting to pick up a new dose for my antidepressant from 20 to 40 mg. I get a call from the office saying that the insurance company (Applecare) not only won’t cover ANY dose of that antidepressant, but “suggested” other drugs to take instead. Drugs I’ve tried before in the past which did nothing for me or gave shitty side effects. My current med doesn’t give bad side effects and is the only antidepressant drug that’s ever worked for me and changed my life for the better.
Long story short, I called the number on the back of my insurance card and it was resolved in 5 minutes. Which is the great coverage and service I’ve come to expect from Community Health Plan of WA. I’m incredibly lucky to qualify for this right now because I’m unemployed. I get full coverage. I am so grateful for this health plan. So, having this happen was a slap in the face.
At the end of the month, insurance companies try to deny patients any prescribed drug which would be expensive for them to cover to save money. Apparently this has been happening since before I was born. Insurance companies count on you not fighting them so they can save money for themselves at your health expense.
Even if prescribed by a patients doctor, and even if that patient has tried every other available RX for that condition. If I had to pay out of pocket, my medicine would be $250-300 A MONTH for 30 pills. Which is what I’ll have to pay when I get a job again since most health plans don’t cover shit for prescription drugs, like my last plan with Kaiser Permanente. Hopefully I will know by the end of the day if this is resolved. Fuck you insurance companies.
Due to current prescription drug laws, it will be another 18 months before this medication is generic. AKA Affordable. That is if Trumps pick for the Supreme Court doesn’t throw out The Affordable Care Act and brings back “pre-existing conditions” to deny coverage.
So, if you need to refill your prescriptions today, expect denial by your insurance company. Hopefully, it will be resolved with a phonecall and be covered again. That is if you have a reasonable health insurance company like I do. I wish anyone dealing with our nightmare American healthcare system luck. This alone is why nobody should move to America.
I hope that I don’t have to go long without my antidepressant. If I have to, I can cope until Thursday when it becomes October. I’m already feeling sad because my Dear Grandfather passed last week, and not having my regular dose of medication doesn’t help.
I dunno what is making me the most grumpy… The stressful world we live in, the uncertainty of finding work, not socializing with friends or family much, or the preexisting state of my DNA which led to my current health conditions I manage.
I’ve been on this unwilling ride to a healthy mental health for 12 years. That is far too long. Going in, I expected maybe 5 years at most. I’m so tired of having my life on hold because insurance won’t cover my medication or therapy visits. I am really trying to be positive and believe that this year is the turning point. This is not for a lack of trying every other way such as self improvement tips, exercise, meditation, healthy eating, and so on. Half my depression is physical brain chemistry. The only way to treat it is with medicine.
This is why voting is so important this year. Trump hasn’t done shit to change the fucked up Healthcare system. Not that he has done anything to help anyone but himself and his cronies. I like Joe Biden. I doubt he will change much in the system thanks to how fucked up Trump has destroyed America. It’s simply a huge amount of work to recover from and so many burning issues to address.
God dammit, I just want to live in peace with minimal suffering. To make my way and have anyone struggling with medical conditions to not have to pay the equivalent of car payments for medicine. This system feels like its setup for you to fail. Going through the slow process of finding the medications to treat you is difficult. I am so fortunate that my daily survival doesn’t depend on my medications. Insurance companies don’t care about you. All you are is another expense while they pay their CEOs millions of dollars.
Thank you for reading my rant. How has your experience been with prescription drugs and the American Healthcare system?
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
A pretty good metaphor for having depression, and struggling to write.
977 words.
This week it makes perfect sense. I’ve already posted twice, on Sunday, and Tuesday for the One vote in Seattle posts. On Monday I went with my mother on a trip to Mount Rainier National Park, on the Sunrise area.
Photo of Mt. Rainier from the wonderland trail.
If you haven’t been there before, it truly is spectacular. This was only the second time in my life I had been to Mt. Rainier, and that was when I was a teenager and didn’t appreciate it.
More information about Mount Rainier here on it’s website:
In all, it was a day trip from Seattle. I almost made the mistake of driving there with only a half tank of gas. By the time we arrived at the entrance, the tank was on empty. Which meant driving back 40 miles to Enumclaw to get gas, because we also missed the only gas station nearby. If we had continued on, we would have ran out of gas on the windy 10 mile climb up the mountain pass to the Sunrise visitors center.
On a clear day, you can see Mount Rainier from town. Of course as I write this, it’s a typical overcast day in Seattle. The classic stereotype of Seattle is that it rains a lot, but in reality, its mostly daunting overcast grey skies. There is a reason why Grunge, Starbucks, and why pot was legalized here.
While summers are usually warm and sunny, it’s days like this that get to you here.
So, though I truly enjoyed the trip to Mt. Rainier, and the escape from the city, and the same surroundings for walks… Between this and the two long posts, I’ve been physically and emotionally exhausted this week. I haven’t driven this much since I drove to Yakima to visit family with my mother.
I been feeling guilty because I’m unemployed and haven’t really done much to feel I’ve earned the right to be exhausted. Fuck, I’m tired of being isolated. I’m tired of feeling lost in life. Before 2020, my life was just starting to turn around. I had a job, I had a career direction, I made new friends, I was starting to save money to move out, and I felt ready to date. Now I feel I’m going backwards.
The good news is that I do have savings, though how much will depend on how long the pandemic lasts in the U.S. . I did have an interview for a job a little while ago, but I wasn’t hired. It’s hard to apply to work where you will lose money compared to unemployment benefits + my awesome state insurance, Applecare. All I qualify for is minimum wage work, and that rarely offers health insurance. When it does, it barely or doesn’t cover medications or therapy. So that’s $300 out of pocket a month right there. That’s without considering the brutal job market right now.
I am interested in going back to school, but I don’t know what I want to do, and college is expensive. In person classes are up in the air right now. I’m wary of more online stuff because I already feel I’m addicted to the internet between streaming, Reddit, and Facebook. I don’t want to live this way. I’m anxious of growing the blog through social media for this reason.
I have made progress this year with dating. Though both attempts led to rejection. The first one was an end to a relationship, and the second merely bad timing. I tried Hinge out for a couple hours this week, and I already hate it. Clearly I’m not ready to get back into dating. (I already went and paused that profile.) Yeah… I know that is barely any time invested. Dating is like having a job these days.
It’s hard to have faith when you aren’t religious, and your dating history is a big shutout online and in real life. Well, I’ve had a handful of dates before. Of the 5 official dates I’ve had, 2 were awful, and 3 were okay to disappointing. Between that those times, I wasn’t really emotionally available to date. (Admitting this is probably a mistake…) Life would be so much easier if I was asexual and a-romantic, but I’m not either of those things. I don’t mind being single or being by myself. I dunno, maybe this is another grass is greener thing.
Online dating in a nutshell.
I am grateful to still have friends, but the loneliness is getting to me. Texting and Facebook only help so much. It’s been months since I’ve seen friends in person.
In short, I’m burned out.
“What is burnout?
Burnout is a state of chronic stress that leads to:
physical and emotional exhaustion
cynicism and detachment
feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment
When in the throes of full-fledged burnout, you are no longer able to function effectively on a personal or professional level. However, burnout doesn’t happen suddenly. You don’t wake up one morning and all of the sudden “have burnout.” Its nature is much more insidious, creeping up on us over time like a slow leak, which makes it much harder to recognize. Still, our bodies and minds do give us warnings, and if you know what to look for, you can recognize it before it’s too late.”
I am really drawing a blank. I’m frustrated that this post is late, and I apologize for that. So here is a funny meme I found yesterday:
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, comment, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!
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