As the Seattle Mariners remind me again how frustrating they are to watch early in the season:
With A frustrating record of 17 wins and 19 losses with many wasted opportunities to win so far, being a Mariners fan right now is like having Blue Balls. Especially fitting given one of their jersey colors is blue. Last season, they finally made the playoffs as a division winner for the first time since 2001. They played two thrilling rounds of playoff baseball, and just fell short of reaching the World Series for the first time in team history by losing the ALCS by one game. It was as close as 8 outs, and we had one last shot with the very last batter, one of our star players, Centerfielder and Allstar Julio Rodriguez batting in the top of the 9th inning in Toronto batting with two outs.
https://www.mlb.com/news/mariners-lose-alcs-game-7-2025-fall-short-of-world-series
But, that wasn’t to be. The Blue Jays advanced, and eventually lost to the Dodgers in 7 games.
Last year, we were 20-14 at this time of the season.
https://www.baseball-reference.com/boxes/ATH/ATH202505050.shtml
The big difference this year and last, is that I’m paying attention this time. Last year I did what I had been doing the past 12 years prior. Check the record of the team in May, then wait until the trading deadline on the last week of July, occasionally check in August, then really watch and follow in September. I simply had my baseball heart broken too many times, and was fed up with losing and never making the playoffs to care much unless they finally broke the drought.
I explain some of the below refences in the speech section in the following posts from 2022, in a three part story where I went to an epic game at home:
https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/10/11/my-oh-my-mariners/
https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/10/14/the-alds-game-1/
In 2025, they made it as division leaders with rest. I loved it while the run was happening. But, as said earlier, they lost in the ALCS in 7 games, choking when they had the lead.
Therefore, before this season began, I came in with full interest. I expected them to build off of their success and at the minimum, have a record over .500. So, to see them once again fall short and struggle just like have before in previous seasons, and in situations EXACTLY like the ALCS– not driving runners in to score while they are on base; blowing leads late in games after strong performances by the starting pitchers; Get beat by lesser teams they should dominate– I feel (and I assume many other M’s fans) like a boyfriend/girlfriend/theyfriend who was just proposed to, but something tragic happened where the person proposing went into a coma. Now months later they are recovering from that, but are showing negative signs of recovery or recognizing us.
(Wait, could the players from last year have unresolved YIPS?)
I wrote and performed this speech for the Public Speaking in Spring Quarter 2025. The assignment was to choose one of several types of speeches, then write and perform it in class with a limit of five minutes. I chose a comedic roast. I’ve wanted to post before, but it felt like it wasn’t the right time to do so.
The Roast of the Seattle Mariners
This is the Comedy Central Roast of the Seattle Mariners baseball team. Please welcome your roastmaster, Reilly Anderson!
Thank you, thank you. (Nod and bow stage left, stage center, stage right.) I’d like to acknowledge our esteemed group of roasters. Introducing…
(Gesture to stage, stage left)
Wait, hold on… (Hold your finger to your ear like you are wearing an earpiece.) I’ve got breaking news from offstage. Current team president Jerry Dipoto has traded all our Roasters for Players to be Named Later.
(Celebrities: Former NBA player Nate Robinson, Bill Nye, Rainn Wilson, Sir Mix Alot, M’s HOF: Ken Griffey Jr, Ichiro, and Edgar Martinez. Comedians Jeff Ross, Taylor Tomlinson.)
(Beat)
Welcome, everyone, to the roast of the Seattle Mariners.
By a show of hands, how many of you are Mariners fans? Yeah, me neither.
(Beat)
For those unfamiliar, this Pro baseball team plays across the street from the Seattle Seahawks. It’s the stadium where more fans wear the opponent’s jerseys. Often, the most exciting part of a game is watching the retractable roof move.
(beat)
Going on 50 years, the Mariners are the only baseball team that hasn’t made it to the World Series once. That is the title series for MLB. While the last playoff appearance was in 2022, they have only five appearances in 50 years, with a 21-year gap between the recent appearance. I’d know, I was there at the last home playoff game—an 18-inning, six-plus-hour thriller. Former pitcher Felix Hernandez threw the ceremonial first pitch. And just like a Felix game, we lost due to little offense, by one run.
Former announcer and TV host Dave Sims is here. As is Mariners tradition, he left for the Yankees. But seriously, he gave 18 years from 2007 to 2024 and finally got to call us returning to the playoffs for the first time. I appreciate you, Dave, and the entire announcer crew.
I see our three Hall of Fame players are in the audience. Ichiro, Ken Griffey Jr, and Edgar Martinez. I found the mystery person who didn’t vote for y’all.
It’s Roger Szmodis. Roger, stand up. (Look at own seat in class) For those that don’t know, Szmodis was the person who won a contest held in the newspaper to name this team. The problem is, they were never able to find them. It’s not certain that the person exists!
I’d like to acknowledge Jerry Dipoto. Baseball has a lot of unwritten rules, but you discovered a new one as GM! He said, “We’re actually doing the fanbase a favor in asking for their patience to win the World Series while we continue to build a sustainably good roster.” He said this one day after the team missed the playoffs by one game!
To wrap this up with an extra innings save, it’s time for our roastee to take the stage, Team President Jerry Dipoto! (beat) AND WE ARE OUT OF TIME! GOOD EVENING, FOLKS!
While I did a great job of performing this in class, the reaction was meh. It turns out many of my fellow students were not Mariners fans, or baseball fans. That made writing this hard because I only had five minutes, and I didn’t know ahead of time how many students were familiar with the roast. Those that did understand enjoyed it. I went all out wearing my Julio Rodriguez jersey and M’s cap. My professor gave a great mini entrance introduction as announcers do in comedic roasts too.
Even the universe itself laughs at me in a roast of the Seattle Mariners.
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