Source, how I have felt lately. Image of a recently burned tree, exposing its vascular tissue. Maybe this is why I’ve been eating so much pasta in recent days.
Dearly beloved We are gathered here today To get through this thing called life -Prince
It’s no wonder I’ve been burned out… It seems to be something I’ve experienced around August for the past three years. See these posts:
The above gif and prince song are a metaphor for my life this month. The arrows are emotional.
I’m covered in arrows, in pain, from multiple sources.
My brother has had a severe back injury that he can’t get treated for due to legal complications. A double trigger due to dad dying almost 20 years ago in a car accident… Which resulted in a lawsuit against our family. This wasn’t my brother’s fault, thankfully. It’s tough to see him suffering. On top of that, he caught covid. He recovered, but it was a tough couple of weeks there.
My mother is recovering from an accident at work which resulted in her going to the ER to get stitches. She’s doing better now but still healing from bruises. That was tough to see her hurt. Especially since she’s getting older, she’s still a go-getter.
Naturally I’ve been worried about both of them.
The quest for inner peace, to heal
I have been exhausted this month. Between my family being injured, the heat, being isolated, and grief. I think I’m finally in the last stages of healing from my past major breakups.
Me lately in this heatwave.
I’m not sure if I still have long covid, or all this mental and physical fatigue is from recent events or depression.
It’s a great thing that I’m in therapy again. It will be better going forward because I’m on viibryd, an antidepressant again.
I’ve had trouble writing so I’m going to do something different here and express myself in pictures since my head hurts trying to think.
Various mental health pictures that describe me lately…
I hope that soon I will not feel awful and be able to write longer posts. Sometimes your health comes first, and when you have a chronic illness such as Long covid, and unpredictable migraines, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself.
Here is a post that doesn’t have many views, but is one I treasure. It’s about my late cat Flip, who was a dear kitty that was part of my life for 18 years.
It’s been a long time since I feel I did something trophy worthy.
I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.
I’m starting to feel fantastic positive feelings as a result of writing that essay. I achieved a goal I wanted. This victory shows that I am capable of so much more. This shows that all the inner work I’ve done has paid off.
This blog post is part 3 of a series of posts about this experience
I have an article in a newspaper! I told my story and hopefully will help change the world for the better. Holy shit. That’s a big deal!
This is evidence of how great a writer I could be. I had a lot of help from the Seattle Times journalist. This situation shows me that I can grow as a writer. I stood up and spoke out about problems in the mental health system. I’ll be helping someone else struggling. It feels good to help others by speaking up.
What a big deal! …
Follow up details
I need to add details to the last post and the article. I didn’t mean to overlook these details. Ever have that feeling after a conversation where you remember something after the fact? That’s been me since Monday.
I did have successes in therapy. I feel I discounted how much of an impact therapy has had when it does work. I was able to work through so much with my therapist and everyone at Sound.
They had great groups and any support you needed. I can’t say enough how grateful I am to Sound Mental Health in this therapy journey. Life from April 2020 to June 2021 was good. That’s because I was in therapy. That’s because the zoom groups were so great. Those kept me going despite the lockdown social distance phase of the pandemic. I attempted to return for treatment there; however, they only take Medicaid. Disappointing that I couldn’t continue… But I get it. Those on Medicaid who need therapy need great providers the most. Just as I did during my time there.
Groups were helpful and supportive at Valley Cities while I was there. I really enjoyed the activities and the people. The employee turnover and changing therapists was too much for me. I wish I could have found that therapist match there. Oh well. I got some helpful skills out of this disappointment.
Back in 2009, I had a favorable year-long therapy treatment that helped. We worked through PTSD I was experiencing then. A year later, I recovered from PTSD through exposure therapy. It’s what I needed at the time.
Ah… I should have accepted the suggestion by the reporter to say something positive about therapy. I hope I didn’t mislead anyone about my experience. Therapy can help. It is maddening to get that help you need.
My problem has been how hard it was to get started, get comfortable, and progress in therapy. It’s been a long roller coaster ride I didn’t want. I was frustrated because now I know how it feels to be healed. What it feels like to have your work pay off. I have become better. I’ve become a better man. I never thought life could feel so fulfilling. I forgot how success feels to achieve something difficult with persistence and hard work. Therapy became my higher power. The dream is to heal all the trauma, fix the suffering as a side effect of mental illness, and break the line of generational trauma.
I’m not big on faith or spirituality, so posting thus is significant.
I’m choosing to take this as proof that I have grown as a person. I’m enough of an adult to take care of myself by finding a therapist. I know that I can follow through and win. I know there is more to dream about. I know that I want more from life.
I wouldn’t be here without therapy, psychology, the internet, and not giving up despite the heartbreak. All the therapists and social workers all the way. I didn’t give up at my lowest. I somehow held on. I wouldn’t be here without all the excellent support from my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side of the family. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cousins. I wouldn’t be here without blogging. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cats. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my mom or brother. I wouldn’t be here with my friends. I am here because I had so much support along the way. The pandemic has shown how many good people I have in my life.
This is a victory for my values. A concept I learned with my previous therapist. This is a life-changing victory on all levels for me. I am more capable than I ever thought possible. I stood up for better mental health. I stood up for better healthcare. I stood up for civil rights. I stood up for personal accountability. I did it because it felt like the right thing to do.
I’m back in the arena, ready for the next mountain to climb.
I’ve become a published writer in a big publisher!
I’m the first family member to be published in the Northwest section of the Seattle Times! My mother, the poet, hasn’t done this. She’s been writing for 40-plus years. My cousins won state championships in high school basketball but they never did this. Nobody on either side of my family has achieved this.
I have made it, and the 15 minutes of fame are over. It was nice while it lasted. I’m grateful to have wrote that. I’m grateful for the experience.
I just made the same mistake twice and over-shared on a blog post. I took that post down now. I had a bad feeling and reread that post. I was disgusted. That post could have caused problems. I’m was best to trash it. Something just didn’t feel right. Maybe I’m overthinking again.
I’m sorry about that.
I need a break from blogging. A mental health break from blogging. I need to clear my head. Been a lot going on with my family. I’m scraping by mentally. Feeling emotionally exhausted.
I have some therapy assignments as a new weekly goal. Going to the park twice a week, going to meetup.com, and more. I’m doing this for my own sake. I chose to commit again to therapy. I’m in therapy to heal, learn, and change. I need to remind myself that this is what I want.
July 4th. American Independence day weekend. I don’t feel like celebrating.
Living in America feels like a bad dream. A never-ending nightmare of bad news. Yeah, there was that legislation to improve gun safety. But will it really change anything? I doubt it. It feels like another feel-good, a little too late, a middle-ground bill that pleases nobody… And the violence continues. We really need young people in charge. We really need non-corporate slaves in charge. Voting Republican isn’t a solution. Their goal is to create more problems. Way too many were cheering when January 6th happened when America almost became a fascist state.
I’m tired of Joe Biden being a caretaker president. Nothing has changed. His best argument when running was that his long record as a Senator would help him pass legislation through our deadlocked (by republicans) congress. That hasn’t happened. Sure, he has signed many Executive Orders, but those will be canceled by the next eventual republican. We gave him a good shot to get things done, to make big changes… And it hasn’t happened. I’m not voting for him again. I’m so tired of getting my hopes up with politicians only to be disappointed.
So far, he’s been the “Not Trump” candidate.
We need an actual liberal as president. Who isn’t another corporatist wearing a democrat mask? We need leadership that will be alive after their time as president is over, so they must live through the consequences. We need a president who hasn’t lived in the DC bubble, has worked a regular job for a living recently and is not wealthy. I love Bernie Sanders, but the man has done enough for the US. AOC would be a good choice for any of The Squad. There aren’t enough women holding office anyway. It’s embarrassing that we still haven’t had a woman as president. It’s fucking time.
I’m so grateful to live in Washington state. I wonder if things will improve in my lifetime here in America. It sure doesn’t look like the corporate hold over this country will soon disappear. Problems keep piling up, and these piecemeal, half-ass (aka middle ground) solutions won’t cut it any longer. So no, I won’t be celebrating this independence day weekend. Because we, as a country, are dependent on capitalism and corporations. As long as wealth exists, there will never be true equality. Never because some person will be able to be above another.
What am I supposed to do when I can be outspent by some rich person who can donate more money than I will make in my entire life? What am I supposed to do when those same rich assholes own news companies and can indoctrinate millions into what they want? My one vote only goes so far. I can only convince so many people. What am I supposed to do when a group of appointed assholes makes decisions based on their beliefs and not the law? Do we even need the supreme court? Do I even want to be an American?
I’m so exhausted from watching this country slowly disintegrate from a democracy to some nightmare straight out of 1984.
Also, fuck fireworks. They are loud and noisy everywhere these days. They cause pollution. Most of the time, they are set off late at night on a random day and time when you’re trying to sleep, just like a car alarm going off. Of all the amazing things in life, and this modern world, seeing or buying fireworks is the last thing I want to do.
Fireworks’ long history in a nutshell. 😑
Alright, enough complaining. Here are things I can celebrate.
I opened the WordPress app today and saw that the all-time views passed 5000! Wow! That’s a big deal for a personal blog like this! I’ll take it!
I dropped the ball on the 1000 likes landmark and should’ve celebrated it sooner. It happened with this post:
I’ve blogged about it quite a bit. I keep talking about it, but I am not moving forward. Well, not quite. Last week, I began seeing a therapist again. I started seeing a life coach. My scrolling Instagram for hours is paying off because most of that time is spent watching therapy-related reels and images.
I went and saw my buddy on Saturday. He’s going through a hard time, and it’s tough to see him in pain. I’m grateful to have been there for him. That I do have him as a friend.
Feels like everyone is struggling these days…
Since I started in March 2020, the hardest part of this journey has been to pick myself up from rock bottom as my life started over at that time. Relationships changed. People changed. I changed. Life changed. So much so that I’m still adjusting to this new normal.
I had to learn the hard way that the only person to save me is myself. It’s okay to ask for help. Or for support. The bottom line is that I have to be the person to do so. Others do want to help. Others want to be in your life. However, you have to advocate and be there for yourself. It’s part of being an adult. To be healthy.
Despite all the difficulties, there are little things to celebrate. So that’s something… Guess I got that going for me. 😑🙃
I’d like to thank everyone who has taken the time to stop by this blog, read these posts, comment, and like them. I appreciate it. It makes my day. Doing so makes me feel not alone because others connect with my writing. It’s the one way I feel connected to the world and others. It’s hard to cope when I take a lot of time to write, edit, and advertise a post and few people read it. Please continue to stop by.
Song of the post, United in Grief by Kendrick Lamar
(I’ve been listening to this album on repeat, it’s a new favorite and I captured this moment in time perfectly.)
I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.
TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.
The problem now…
I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?
Am I really mature enough?
Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.
I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.
Am I ready for a different life?
I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.
I’m not happy with my life.
I’m tired of “just existing.”
I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.
The state of the world has worn me out.
Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.
I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.
I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.
No wonder I’m going crazy.
I’m both of the following:
The Love Addict If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.
So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.
“The Love Avoidant If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.
An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that
Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs Intimacy is smothering, and I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.
Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.
Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”
I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)
Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!
Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️
Is my purpose for suffering?
Maybe I am a monster.
I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.
I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.
I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?
What have I done?
I hope it’s not too late.
😦
I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains
I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.
In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…
But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.
Relationship goals
My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)
It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.
I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.
This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.
Next time I’ll know.
The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.
I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.
If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.
Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.
I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.
I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.
Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.
Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.
Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.
I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.
I’m tired of online dating.
My healing journey isn’t over.
My dating journey isn’t over.
I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.
My social life is mostly online… And that’s not enough anymore.
I certainly didn’t plan on this, on my social life being this way. Last Thursday, I went to see long time friends and neighbors perform live at a local bar. It’s the first time that I’ve left the house to go to a public place during a busy time in almost a year. It was amazing.
The Marshall family band is classic folk-country and played it before it was cool, and still are master musicians, and still getting better. Nostalgic, comforting, sad, beautiful. They’ve been the soundtrack to my past. A past now bittersweet, and a different life. (If you like, check out their music in the link below)
I’ve left to visit family, and my buddy C a couple times, but not in months. Between the fear of catching covid, work becoming my main focus, then getting covid, it’s been a solitary life.
Back in the before times… Before the pandemic, in 2019 (wow that feels so long ago), I was in the process of rebuilding my social life from scratch.
From scratch with friends. Love my family, but everyone needs friends. For a long time, I’ve been like a hermit. Mostly because I was in survival mode. It’s been lonely, as much as I enjoy solitude. Family visits help, but they’re only so often.
I’m online way too much. As much as a boon the pandemic was for personal healing, my social life has been paused. Everyone’s has. If it wasn’t for the social media dominant life due to the pandemic, I wouldn’t have appreciated or noticed how many people that care and like me as I am in my life. Several chapters with people ended. Deaths, and an awful break-up that where I was an asshole. My mistakes, my choices resolved in the worst possible way.
I’m not quite there yet. I still feel weary of public places with lots of people. Or places with close quarters such as grocery stores. Not that I can right now. I’m slowly healing from long covid. I’m excited to go into the world. Yet at the same time being mindful of my physical condition.
Soon.
Unfinished business I want to resolve
Dear neighbors: I’m sorry for the pot clouds I make smoking weed. This is my choice, and I never intended for it to affect others. I didn’t realize it’s been so bad, so long. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been selfish and didn’t take this into account. I honestly thought the smoke blew east due to how the wind whips around the backyard. This must be really annoying, and I hope that it hasn’t caused any problems. Thank you for being so patient and considerate.
To the neighbor and ex friend who I ghosted, and haunted two years ago: I’m sorry. I feel like I didn’t clearly say this back then. I feel like I left things ambiguous and that’s not fair. I misconstrued your words, and posted parts of it online. I promised to make amends, and broke that promise. I don’t expect us to ever make up, or for things to change. I don’t expect forgiveness. I wish that I could go back and change my behavior. What I did was unacceptable. I was an asshole. I’m not sure if you read those blog posts that are now private or deleted. Even if you never did or never will, and that’s understandable… If there’s anything I missed, I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry.
This whole situation was a wake up call, and I have worked to improve myself. I haven’t done those things since, and won’t ever again. I will continue to respect your privacy and boundaries, and leave you alone.
I don’t feel like I’ve been a good friend for a couple years.
Once again, that’s on me. I’ve been distant, a flaky communicator, and not put enough effort to making friendships work. Not being emotionally available is a large factor. I wasn’t, but am now because I worked on it. You gotta make social events happen as an adult. Now that I have a consistent work schedule, and there isn’t the incipient threat of the plague, socializing can resume. It still feels weird, even though covid isn’t completely gone, and will be a part of life. That’s life. It goes on, and you learn to cope and grow as you’re in it.
I don’t want to dwell on the past. Ruminating has been a problem I have at times and it’s something I work on with anxiety.
Despite everything, life is alright. Good at times. All of this is because I’ve grown, and value self improvement.
The best thing I can do is to learn, and let go. If I don’t let go, I’ll miss out on the present moment.
I’m sorry for not following through on the 10 recipe posts that I promised. I thought I could do this. (I need to start over and plan this out. On a schedule I can reasonably work on) I have professional experience and training doing so. I’m ashamed that once again, I failed. I need help with this mean perfectionist inner voice. I need to get a new therapist… It’s been too long and it’s time.
I didn’t plan this gap of 2+ months without a post. I had two emotional events happen shortly after the previous post. It’s almost 10pm, and I’m writing this on the fly. I feel that I have to post something. I owe it to you.
I obsess over my mistakes and my faults. I haven’t forgiven myself for anything I’ve done wrong. I feel I deserve to suffer and be punished. If I don’t get from others, I punish myself. (Lately I’ve started to talk back to these thoughts saying “Blame yourself once and move on”, a great quote from The Simpsons)I don’t like this part of myself. Or the shadow part of me.
I’m alive, doing great at work, and okay overall. I have zero reason to be afraid of failing there. I work hard, my bosses trust me by giving me special tasks, and they see management potential in me in the future. I even got a small raise, and a bonus for the first time ever.
I should be ecstatic, but I’m worried about the other shoe dropping.
I’m so fucking tired of the pandemic. At least 1 more year of this in the US, and longer for many other countries. Someone I work with tested positive, so I’m worried about that. Everyone wears masks, being vaccinated is required at work, so the odds are low. I’ve had some minor symptoms, but I’m not sure if this is due to covid, my sinuses, or regular work fatigue.
I haven’t had a covid booster shot yet, it’s been about 2 months since the second shot wore off, and I have to wait to get tested again since it’s a holiday weekend. Maybe there’s openings tomorrow.
I’m also exhausted with the state of US politics and the news. It feels like the end of the world… I know this is bad for my mental health, but I feel I can’t stop.
… I need help with my personal life. Not sure where or how to start. I just kinda exist.
Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had many things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog? Why write? Or the most significant obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?
I know there are answers out there and people who’ve been here before.
More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.
I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.
I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.
I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)
I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. I am being hurt again or hurting another person because of my actions.
Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.
I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.
I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.
I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposure at two different jobs.
I need to return to therapy
Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend.
Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.
Therapy work list:
Trust issues
Social anxiety
Pandemic PTSD
Help with healthy friendships
Life coaching
Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
And many other issues.
I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.
I’ve been lonely, but I can do something about it.
My friends are vaccinated, and 70% of Seattle, I haven’t been social. I’m unsure why I haven’t tried to do things with people. My last job was great, and I miss the work and my former co-workers.
I guess I’m starting to heal from being laid off last week. The third time in a row I’ve been laid off. Ugh, I do not want to get back on the job hunt. I’m tired of the yoyo between unemployment and working. I wish to work to be on autopilot to live the rest of my life.
I feel that I can’t date unless I have a job. I need to take a break from Tinder and Bumble. I haven’t been getting matches. Sometimes I get a like on bumble, but every time the “liked timer” for 24 hours expires. I feel like I’ve already cycled through everyone within 100 miles on tinder and been rejected by all.
I need feedback from a friend on my profiles… And I need new pictures.
So frustrating…
Maybe I’ve reverted to being a hermit with covid paranoia, and that’s why I haven’t reached out to people to hang out. (And I just had a wonderful time a few weeks ago at my friend’s house.) Maybe it’s my trust issues.
I need help, but I don’t know what to ask for.
I don’t like feeling invisible.
I feel like I’ve been complaining in posts too much.
Time to do things differently. I can do this.
Some good
Okay, time to practice gratitude for what I have.
I’m grateful to live in my mother’s house, for mom being generous to charge low rent, in a safe neighborhood, and for my cats.
I’m grateful for having food.
I’m grateful for my mom being alive and that she cares about me.
I’m grateful for the internet keeping me connected to people.
I’m handling the grief from the recent layoff effectively. Feeling the waves as they come.
I’m grateful that things are about to open up.
I’m grateful to be alive, even though I’m in a rough patch.
I’m grateful I’m ready to return to school for a different career. I’m thinking about maybe majoring in something involved with mental health. If not that, something white collar.
I’m grateful for the warm sunny summer weather.
Song of the post: Feels like Summer by Donald Glover
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