Close, but no Cigar

Shadowed Man standing in turquoise waves staring at a setting sun in a tropical place.

Close, but no cigar.

cliché A phrase said when one is almost correct or successful but ultimately fails. Cigars were once commonly used as prizes or awards”

Source

A Facebook Dating heartbreak.

I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.

In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…

But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.

Text: I broke my own heart loving you.

Relationship goals

My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)

It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.

I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.

This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.

Next time I’ll know.

The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.

I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.

If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.

Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.

I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.

I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.

Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.

Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.

Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.

I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.

I’m tired of online dating.

My healing journey isn’t over.

My dating journey isn’t over.


I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.

It’s time to start again.

I feel like shit today.

It sucks when things don’t work out. 😰

Ugh.

Song of the post: Summertime by Orville Peck.

5 comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s