No post today. Well, just this short explanation. I was rejected by a friend I asked to be in a relationship. I wanted a romantic relationship with her but, she isn’t in the place in life to do so. Sometimes that happens.
She’s still a blogger friend. We remain friends with boundaries and a clear platonic blog friendship. For now, I need a break from her site…
So, this is all I can do. Write.
I feel like I’ve been cursed in the month of February with dating.
At least this time, I handled it maturely. So I have that going for me, at least.
Maybe I’m just not suited to do so. I feel like quitting it entirely. I’m 36 going on 37, and the whole dating experience is just painful rejection with tiny glimpses of success that are squashed.
Song of the post: Tired of Being Alone by Al Green
That doesn’t mean I’m going to settle. A rant on dating apps…
I don’t want to use dating apps again. I didn’t have much success after using Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble for a couple of years. It’s like looking for work on Indeed, but you can apply to every job. Unlike sites like Indeed, where you look for work, with dating and dating apps, you have a chance of success with people out of your training, experience, or attractiveness because of how dating works. Dating apps are worse than Indeed because at least you know if you have a fair shot of success with looking for work because you know your potential pool of employers based on your training and expertise. With dating apps, you see every job or person nearby. Sure I could apply for that CEO job in baking despite having zero experience or knowledge of that industry and have better odds of winning the lottery. But they won’t look at my application and do not reply, making me think I have a shot at an interview. They won’t match up like on bumble and force me to watch the match timer slowly tick away for three days before never responding. Jobs won’t make their needs unclear or not put enough information in their post for job seekers not to know what they are looking for.
Some posts on instagram that resonates with this new me:
Doesn’t have kids. I don’t want to be a father right away. I’d only consider kids after dating and living together for a couple years.
Willing to pace the relationship. Not too fast, not too slow.
Has goals.
Has a job. Must work.
A secure attachment or is currently going to therapy to heal this.
Must be left wing with politics.
Not codependent.
Not manipulate.
Not abusive.
Not narcissistic, or has any other major personality disorder.
Wants to meet in person for dates.
Lives nearby.
Not an addict.
Can communicate in a mature manner.
Is self aware and in tune with their emotions.
Is smart or open minded.
Not religious. (I might be willing to compromise depending on how religious the woman is. Lots of variables on this.)
Has her own life.
Emotionally available.
Respects my boundaries.
Respects therapy.
Is in reasonable shape. I’m not attracted to heavier women despite me being an obese man.
Is interested in me.
Accepts me being on the autism spectrum. Accepts me having long covid.
Preferably an introvert.
Is okay with me being a homebody.
Is okay with me consuming weed every once in a while.
Is okay with me living with my mother for rent purposes.
I’m probably forgetting some things in this list. I wonder if this is asking too much. I wonder if I meet these things myself.
I am happy being single.
I also want to know what it feels like to be in a healthy, thriving, romantic relationship. Ive never been in one. I feel like I have missed out on this part of life.
The closest I have been in one was earlier this year. That relationship didn’t work out because of pacing.
I did ask a friend I met through blogging that I have a strong connection with if she was down with a long-distance relationship, but she said she couldn’t do it because of the distance. Make sense, as she lives in Kenya. That hurt. Especially since I’ve never had a connection like this with an amazing woman like her before. (She is not a catfish or scammer for those concerned. I’ve become an unwilling expert on the subject, sigh.) I’ve been considering visiting her because we get along so well. On the negative side, it would be tough for either of us to start over in a new country to be with each other. Sigh. 😢 (I have given this serious thought since it would be easier for me to do with where I am in life.) Who knows what will happen with this. I’m going to hope for the best-case outcome as a change. Once again it’s nice to have an awesome friend.
I’m 36 and haven’t had a long-term romantic relationship before, which bothers me. I count this as a woman saying she is my girlfriend and that we are officially a couple. I had had short long-distance relationships before where this was the case, but they didn’t work out for different reasons. Dating hasn’t been fun at all for me. Between not feeling ready because of my mental health or job situation, living with my mother, mountains of rejection with online dating, and holding onto a fantasy bond crush that had a disastrous ending that was my fault… I hate dating. I’m fed up with how difficult it’s been.
Therapy has helped me heal from these prior wounds—especially the last one I listed as a reason why.
That’s never happening again.
I feel that I’m a Demisexual and need an emotional connection to be attracted to a woman.
I have asked out women before, and had a handful of dates, but none worked out. All those dates were stressful because I was anxious or not enjoying them.
What could go wrong, has gone wrong.
I asked out a coworker, she was flattered but in a relationship. On the plus side I gained a friend and I am happy with that.🙂
I suppose that impromptu meeting with a woman earlier this year that led to a one-night stand and me having sex for the first time could be considered a successful date. That only worked because I chose not to wear a mask at the bar while hanging out at the rock show. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the experience and am grateful.
I’m honestly not sure if I’m interested in dating anymore. I loathe the process. I don’t like bars or busy places. I’m still cautious about any indoor area with many people because im afraid of catching covid again.
All things considered I have been crushing it this year with dating. I have had two feet in the arena and pushing myself forward despite not being in a relationship. (yet) for many years I wasn’t trying or not living in reality. My hard work of working on myself, learning from my mistakes, and growing has paid off.
I made a private family matter, public. I’ve felt bad about blogging by oversharing.
I forgot to consider how that would feel to read by someone involved. That isn’t right, and I would be upset.
I made a mistake, and need to apologize.
I’m sorry.
That should have been private. I won’t do that again.
Life sure is tough right now, huh? 🙂
I wish there was something I could do to help.
This situation is triggering…
It’s got me thinking about the past. How I could’ve handled situations better.
Remembering past breakups, thinking about if I could have said things better. Been a better man who could communicate. How could I been better as a man. Thinking how I could have been mature.
Work is amazing. It’s consistent, everyone is great to work with, I like my job though it’s repetitive. I feel like I belong. I’m becoming comfortable being social. I’m grateful to have this.
Social life
Work being a rock allows me to cope with my lack of social life… It’s time. I’ll be looking for an in person group on meetup.com Time to go out and safely socialize.
Well, this isn’t true. I did go out to see comedian Ron Funches live at the Neptune theater in Seattle last Saturday. That is the first time I’ve ever gone out to see a standup comedian at a theater…. Never thought of doing that before, and the show was hilarious. It was Ron Funches and 3 comedians I forgot the names to (sorry!😬)… The opening comics were funny too, it was interesting to see the contrast of comedic styles between them.
So, keep moving forward… You are progressing in life. There is hope and good things in your life. You’re doing great handling everything. Its been a long week.
I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.
TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.
The problem now…
I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?
Am I really mature enough?
Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.
I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.
Am I ready for a different life?
I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.
I’m not happy with my life.
I’m tired of “just existing.”
I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.
The state of the world has worn me out.
Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.
I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.
I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.
No wonder I’m going crazy.
I’m both of the following:
The Love Addict If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.
So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.
“The Love Avoidant If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.
An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that
Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs Intimacy is smothering, and I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.
Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.
Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”
I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)
Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!
Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️
Is my purpose for suffering?
Maybe I am a monster.
I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.
I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.
I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?
What have I done?
I hope it’s not too late.
😦
I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains
I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.
In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…
But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.
Relationship goals
My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)
It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.
I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.
This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.
Next time I’ll know.
The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.
I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.
If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.
Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.
I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.
I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.
Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.
Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.
Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.
I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.
I’m tired of online dating.
My healing journey isn’t over.
My dating journey isn’t over.
I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.
I’ve been lonely, but I can do something about it.
My friends are vaccinated, and 70% of Seattle, I haven’t been social. I’m unsure why I haven’t tried to do things with people. My last job was great, and I miss the work and my former co-workers.
I guess I’m starting to heal from being laid off last week. The third time in a row I’ve been laid off. Ugh, I do not want to get back on the job hunt. I’m tired of the yoyo between unemployment and working. I wish to work to be on autopilot to live the rest of my life.
I feel that I can’t date unless I have a job. I need to take a break from Tinder and Bumble. I haven’t been getting matches. Sometimes I get a like on bumble, but every time the “liked timer” for 24 hours expires. I feel like I’ve already cycled through everyone within 100 miles on tinder and been rejected by all.
I need feedback from a friend on my profiles… And I need new pictures.
So frustrating…
Maybe I’ve reverted to being a hermit with covid paranoia, and that’s why I haven’t reached out to people to hang out. (And I just had a wonderful time a few weeks ago at my friend’s house.) Maybe it’s my trust issues.
I need help, but I don’t know what to ask for.
I don’t like feeling invisible.
I feel like I’ve been complaining in posts too much.
Time to do things differently. I can do this.
Some good
Okay, time to practice gratitude for what I have.
I’m grateful to live in my mother’s house, for mom being generous to charge low rent, in a safe neighborhood, and for my cats.
I’m grateful for having food.
I’m grateful for my mom being alive and that she cares about me.
I’m grateful for the internet keeping me connected to people.
I’m handling the grief from the recent layoff effectively. Feeling the waves as they come.
I’m grateful that things are about to open up.
I’m grateful to be alive, even though I’m in a rough patch.
I’m grateful I’m ready to return to school for a different career. I’m thinking about maybe majoring in something involved with mental health. If not that, something white collar.
I’m grateful for the warm sunny summer weather.
Song of the post: Feels like Summer by Donald Glover
Photo by Denise H. on Pexels.com . The catfish gets a bad rap for this terrible behavior by humans.
Catfished. Ugh.
God damnit. I feel so used. Heart slowly breaking. Angry, hurt, seething, confused sad, empty. Ugh.
The song of the post can only be: Who are you by The Who.
The catfish followed me on Instagram and messaged me. I thought it was genuine interest and she was hot. I was a target and fell for it because the female attention, validation, and ego stroke felt so good. Because I’ve been starved for romance, love, and dating for so long. After being lost in the dating desert, I saw an oasis and dove in for water. For a couple days, I ate my fill, the madness of “love”. I felt my love tank, filling. A tank I haven’t felt filled much before. It feels like something I can only get from other people.
I’ve learned from past encounters with catfish to be wary of anyone online. So I used the reverse image search function on google photos. Then I used: http://imgops.com/upload, another tool suggested by the catfish subreddit.
I found a match on twitter for someone with a different name, identical photo. 🚩. So I looked that name up on Facebook and found like 20 clone accounts with different photos of that person.
Turns out it was the woman mentioned in this article by vice… An instagram model/porn star:
This model’s face, and photos have been used by thousands of catfish scammers. Sometimes for huge amounts of money. Whoever the person who tricked me into a romantic relationship, then tried to ask me to buy gift cards, used her photos. I said goodnight, then reported/blocked on whatsapp. The instagram account that started this, was deleted before I could report it.
Guess it was too good to be true. Online dating is tough because on some level you have to trust the person on the other end is who they say they are. Maybe I was thinking too much with my other head.
So I’m back to the relationship desert. I guess the oasis was a partial illusion because the sand I “drank” had some water. Some nutritional value.
People who trick people like this are the worst scum of humanity. The sick part is that they took time to get to know me.
Maybe it was a placebo. The audiobook Breakup Triage by Susan Winter, a relationship expert I like, has helped a bit today.
In summary, I didn’t lose a penny. I lost some time, but got to practice being vulnerable. Got to practice expressing loving feelings. I’m pissed off about the situation and loss. Still left bitter and hurt. I think what hurts the most is being upset at myself for falling for this. It’s embarrassing to admit.
I really despise that catfishing is such a problem with online dating.
Therapy helped, even if it was short. I’m so glad my therapist fit me in for an appointment. Sigh, I know this pain will pass, and I’ll be happy to date again. But wtf humanity.
Work is going well, and I’m doing well according to my bosses. So that’s good. Oh, and my aunt that was hospitalized is okay, so that’s good too. In one more week, I’ll be fully vaccinated so I can resume doing stuff with people.Soon it will be safe to visit friends. Gratitude is bittersweet when hurt like this.
She probably views me as a scrub. Scrub from the TLC song of the same name. No job, unemployed, relationship novice, doesn’t have shit together, Smokes pot.
For those blog readers reading this post for the first time, because I linked it in a post from November 2022, this post is from January 30th, 2021. It is a reflection of the person I was at that time. The good, the bad, the cringe, the hurt, the past version of me. Remastered, edited, tweaked for SEO.
Without ado, here is the remastered 2022 version of: First romantic relationship at age 34..
No scrubs by TLC
The truth is we were incompatible. She wanted something completely different from me. She wanted me to buy stuff, and I wasn’t comfortable with that. I do not wish for a text-only relationship. I don’t want a long-distance relationship.
She was an ambitious, driven businesswoman from Hong Kong who wanted to travel and be rich. Retire early. A day trader who trades gold stocks. A literal fucking Gold digger.
(11/06/2022 edit: I originally had Gold Digger by Kanye West. While he was controversial then, since then I can not ethically support him in any way, so I’m changing the song in this post to Respect by Aretha Franklin. In an ironic twist, Kanye has become an Attention Digger)
Respect by Aretha Franklin
Maybe it went too hot, too fast.
I gave into the fantasy of the relationship. I was desperate to finally have a girlfriend. And it was happening. It was too good to be true.
Credit: Mark Manson.
Too good too be true
Once again, I saw what I wanted to see. I overlooked problems because I wanted to have a girlfriend no matter what. She was my first girlfriend ever, at age 34. I bought into the fantasy because I’ve been so deprived of romance. Which is ultimately my fault. I fucked up in so many ways.
I felt I was ready to date back in November. After this breakup, I’m not sure I actually was. Or am. I’m so tired of never feeling good enough to date. I feel like I have to be perfect to date anyone. At the same time, I don’t want to do all the required work. Dating and relationships work. All I’ve known is pain. I don’t see the benefit of dating. I don’t want to constantly improve. I don’t want to settle, either. I feel that means that I’ll never be enough as I am.
Dating hasn’t been fun. Since men have to do all the work to obtain a relationship, Men in western cultures generally have to take the lead in relationships. Sometimes it’s a lonely and draining experience when you have to do more work. My dating life is over. (CRINGE) I wish that I would be at peace with never dating again. I’m okay being single… But for the rest of my life? Not until I at least have one good long-term romance. Then I could say I tried and gave up. I’m not entitled to a relationship. I don’t feel it’s worth the time, energy, money, or effort. I don’t feel life is worth the time, energy, money, or action. I never wanted to date, to begin with. It feels like an unpaid internship where you’re constantly led on by the promise of more like a carrot on a stick. But that job offer never happens.
I feel this is impossible because of my mental illness. I resent my sexual and romantic needs. It feels like a curse. Life would be so much easier without them. The worst part of all this is that my insecurities were again correct.
I just want to be. Then again, I’m pretty stupid with this stuff.
All I know is I deserve better than that relationship. I learned that I’m not afraid of commitment; I’m so scared of wasting my time. Once again…
What is love? by Haddaway.
Thank you for reading this; if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
A boundary is an invisible line you draw around yourself to identify what is acceptable behavior, and what is unacceptable behavior. The beauty of boundaries is that they are fluid and ever-evolving; for example, looser limits around extending yourself to others is easier when you’re younger and childless. As you age and gain insight, you’ll get a quicker read on energy vampires and narcissists.
Some people love boundaries because they represent structure, order, and rules. Others see limits as an unyielding set of laws where there are no gray areas, only black and white. A critical part of a healthy psyche is deciding on the right tension for your life. Psychological distress results from overly rigid or overly loose limits.“
I wonder that I’m a fool in love? Guess that’s what people mean when they say being in love makes you crazy.
I rather not wait until we get the covid vaccine. Is this too fast for a new relationship? Like, you want to see each other at least once a week right? Ah the joys of exploring a new love while getting to know each other.
Damn you Covid-19… I finally meet my first girlfriend and it’s not safe to visit.
It’s the right thing to do- to stay at home- but, man this is torture. I’m tired of being patient.
I hope I’m not clingy.
I hope I’m not oversharing…
Learning on the fly.
Internal Boundaries
Today I went back and edited a couple months of blog posts. I’ve been really bad about editing posts lately. A combination of little details such as adding a separation bar for clarity, adding the end slate with an email subscriber box, section headers to help search results, and adding tags/categories.
I’m finding my writers legs. It’s a tough balance. If I want to continue growing as a writer, and as a blogger, the next step to growth is to improve my revision and editing skills. Writing is rewriting. I can’t achieve goals without being aware of the quality of work I’ve done. These days I have all the time in the world. I feel like I’m trapped in a pandemic hamster wheel.
I feel ashamed of how lazy I’ve been. My days are turning into: wake up around 9am, shower, dress, eat, sit down at my PC and be on the computer/phone all day. Weekdays I’m limited to about 4 hours for seeking work. There’s only so many job openings and cover letters I can send before I run out. One day a week, I’ve had further job help with a job councilor through Sound Mental Health, where I get help for my issues. The rest of the day is a mix of watching futurama or forensic files for the 6th time because it’s soothing. My other activities are on the computer too, either relationship videos on YouTube, or audiobooks on Audible. It’s been this way for months. I wish I could go to places for activities. I exercise better with people in classes or sports.
Ugh, I hate being bored, but too exhausted from the pandemic blues to better myself.
I need to make a small adjustment to my daily routine.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
I’m having a hard time keeping my head straight. One hand I’m choosing to be mindful of these wonderful feelings. To accept all the love and affection I’m feeling.
Oh, love is a wonderful feeling when it’s the right time, the right person, the right self. I fear it’s a drug that will swallow me.
I worried that I’m oversharing this budding relationship on the blog.
Balancing radical honesty and healthy boundaries is tough.
I’m learning. This change has come so fast that I’m blown away at how amazing life can be with romance!
A dream is coming true… Be patient.
Christmas shopping in pandemic.
Yesterday I went Christmas present shopping.
It was time.
Hard to believe that Xmas is a week away.
I listened to Christmas music all yesterday and it felt right. I wasn’t rushed into it in November at stores because of the pandemic. It was time to do my presents shopping.
I usually buy presents throughout the year as spend time with people. I listen to things they say they would like, and I write it down to give them as a present.
I’m in the mood… I’m in the mood for Christmas.
Outside shopping right now is like choosing to be John McCain in Die Hard. To don your mask, and drive to a store to go shopping is to willingly put yourself at risk of contracting Coronavirus. I know because I was exposed at work despite everyone following the guidelines.
I took the risk because I’m tired of staying at home.
I feel like I have to consider the risk of the health risks of loneliness by being safe, or risk getting covid because of my natural human need to see the world, and be around my fellow humans.
I assumed stores wouldn’t be too busy on a Thursday evening.
Despite everyone in the 3 stores wearing masks and distancing, it was also a bit thrilling.
Sometimes the aisles wouldn’t allow 6 feet of space between you and the other person. Even with both of u having masks on, it felt dangerous. I took pre-pandemic life for granted. When all you had to worry about at the store was what you were going to buy as a gift for a loved one… Without the risk of dying yourself.
I have a love-hate relationship with Xmas. I love gift giving, wrapping presents, and being with family. One of my love languages is gift giving. I enjoy getting presents for people that gives them joy. I hate the consumer-capitalist aspect of Xmas. So, I like to be a sly shopper while buying what people want for presents.
This Christmas is lean for me. Problem is, is that I have so many new friends in my life that I want to give a present to. And I want to do something for all my family members who stepped and supported me this year.
Time to get creative.
Another day in the pandemic. Where all we can do is be patient and do the best we can with what we have.
I hope I get a new job by the end of the year.
Not gonna lie, getting presents is awesome. What I want most for Christmas is to be able to spend quality time with my family and friends without fear.
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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
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