Tag Archives: anxiety

Blog Goal for 2023: Exceed 2,477 views!

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Screenshot of the stats page from the WordPress app.

What is 2,477?

That is the all-time most views for the blog, which happened in 2020. I was close to topping it last year in 2022 but fell short at 2,254 views.

Screenshot of the stats page from the WordPress app

My blogging goal for 2023 is to exceed these numbers. The plan (the CRAZY plan) so far to meet this goal is to post twice a week, or 104 posts in the year. This was 26 more posts than in 2020, when I wrote 78, and more seats than in 2021 and 2022. One thing to note about the 2020 stats is that I posted 28 times with a total of 841 views because I wanted to. I will not repeat that because I worked part-time then, and this was before I had Long Covid.

Ah… I regret making this decision to post twice a week… That’s a total of 104 posts in a year.

My goal for 2023 is to exceed 2,477 views.

For new bloggers, it is wise to ignore the views each post gets and the overall views your page receives. This is because it is more important to focus on discovering and polishing your writing routine, discovering how many posts you can publish that are high quality and stand out from other blogs, mastering the art of writing and blog writing, learning about and increasing mastery of SEO, and patience because it takes time to build an audience. Of course, if your blogging goal is to use it as a journal or post whatever for whomever, this doesn’t apply. That is okay too.

I’m the type of person that likes stats and feedback. Math is not a strength, and I was all right at it in school. I like stats and analytics because of the book Moneyball by author Michael Lewis. I got into this book right when the Seattle Mariners baseball team was a few years into its playoff slump, and this book led me to Sabermetrics which Bill James pioneered before Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane was introduced to the concept to become a successful baseball team with a small budget.

(The movie adaptation is solid and I would recommend watching it. If you are interested, I would recommend reading the book and watching the movie, as both are excellent for their formats.)

When I started blogging a couple of years ago, I naturally started the same process of figuring out how to be successful with the information I had available to me with the resources I had at the time, which weren’t much. I was at rock bottom emotionally, recently laid off, and barely hanging on with unemployment, the pandemic started, and everything shut down. I didn’t feel safe seeing friends or family. While I was living with my mother, she had her own struggles then to face, so I had to learn to support myself and learn how to heal on my own at the darkest time in my life.

Thankfully I gave therapy one more shot and was assigned an excellent therapist who was part of a wonderful mental health organization called Sound Mental Health.

For me, blogging is multiple things. I use it to track my life, journal publically, grow as a writer, and challenge myself. It is a way to hold myself accountable and prove that I can do better and deserve better. I like blogging because it’s a perpetual goal to write. Being an excellent writer is one part of it. In this world, to stand out, you have to acquire skills in multiple areas. If I want to be an author, showrunner, or professional writer, I need to view writing and my brand as a small business.

Naturally, as I change, I want the blog to change and grow. Therefore, I like the traffic to my blog posts to increase and the blog traffic to grow.

Blogging and this website are something that I have complete autonomy over. Its success or lack of it is tied to how much time and effort I put into it.

Blogging/writing makes me feel alive.

I feel I best express myself through writing. I think it’s the one way I can impact the world.

Blogging feels better than being an anonymous message board person. People read and react to your comments, but it’s not the same as coming up with an idea for a long piece, writing it, editing it, and posting it online for everyone worldwide to see. It feels good when people follow you and connect with what you wrote. It feels good to build something that is yours.

At times it makes me crazy because I’m pressed for time. I need to write before work because I’ll be too exhausted to write after work. Bloggers need day jobs like most creative people. Sometimes I do have the energy and clarity of mind, but… I have no idea what to write. And the only way to get it done is to grind the post out one word at a time until you discover inspiration.

Quote: By replacing fear of the unknown with curiosity we open ourselves up to an infinite stream of possibility. We can let fear rule our lives or we can become childlike with curiosity, pushing our boundaries, leaping out of our comfort zones, and accepting what life puts before us. Alan Watts
Source

No more excuses, Reilly

One day the pandemic will end, and I won’t have to be afraid of catching a deadly strain of covid. Maybe this will be in a year from now. Once China recovers from this current covid wave, the world will feel safe. There is the threat of the XBB strain here in the US, but thankfully I live in a city and state with a high vaccination rate. As long as I avoid packed places, continue to wear a mask, stay up to date with vaccine boosters, and avoid conservative political dominant areas of Washington state (because the vaccine rate is lower here and every other conservative dominant county of the US), I’ll be safe. All that and avoid socializing in big groups in winter in closed spaces. All I can do at this point is protect my health. Safety is different from excuses.

This year will be the one where I finally heal from trauma. Make this the year where you grow up. Make this the year you finally follow through on things you said you wanted.

3/104 posts done for 2023. As of the time of this post at 719am, 123 views have been achieved toward the year goal of 2477+.

Thank you for reading! I hope that you enjoyed this post! Have you set a goal for 2023? If so tell me what it is in the comments below!

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New Posts for 2023 will be on Mondays and Thursday mornings, before noon, Pacific Standard Time.

F SEO, Be imperfect. Be good Enough.

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Dart hitting the center of a dartboard

I’ve been stuck in a perfectionist mindset for a while, and that needs to stop.

This is the old me. I recognize that this is an old voice in my head. I know this isn’t good for me. I recognize these thoughts as other people, such as family or society.

It’s still a pain to sort through these, and get to what I want. What I feel. What is true to me.

Change is hard, and comes slowly.

You must not be afraid of playing wrong notes. Just forget it, play it wrong! But Play! -Alan Watts https://www.azquotes.com/picture-quotes/quote-you-must-not-be-afraid-of-playing-wrong-notes-just-forget-it-play-it-wrong-but-play-alan-watts-82-47-86.jpg

At the time of this post, I have 52 draft posts.

I haven’t published these for many reasons. All are signs that I have changed. That I have grown as a person since I started blogging 2+ years ago.

Reasons why for the drafts: lost interest, procrastination, felt it didn’t sit right, potentially over sharing, the post needed more time to breathe, timing for SEO wasn’t great, or the post simply needed more work, or I had to prioritize self care.

I accept and resent that I have Long Covid. Like all chronic illness, it is unpredictable. I have been doing well on self care and asserting my needs to others with this illness. It’s come first this year since I caught it in January. I really took for granted all that time I had before this disease that I could write with some effort. All that time that I could choose to do activities instead of not having that choice due to symptoms.

I have to remind myself that it’s okay to not be perfect. Perfect is subjective. Life is often lived in the gray area. Yes it is possible to sometimes have it all line up, and things unfold in a perfect manner, in your point of view.

All this is to say that I have to remind myself to be okay with good enough. Putting an imperfect post out like this is better for yourself and the blog than nothing. Every post counts. If only for the sake of writing it. Publishing it is good too.

Good enough is better than nothing at all. Each step is progress. The doing is the point. The doing is living life.

This is the real secret of life -To be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play. Alan Watts.

This is good enough for today. The “perfect” amazing posts are in your head, Reilly. Sure it would be nice if one or a few went viral, or hell, brought slightly more attention with new readers other than people you already know, and the few subscribers who do read your stuff. (Love Y’all)

If you fuck up, or nobody reads this post, which has happened before being as this blog is tiny… Whatever.

I am finally living the life I want, and who I want to be. I’m not perfect. I’m simply doing my best and being open to what life presents me. With these five words, this post is over 500! Good enough!

Victory!

Close, but no Cigar

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Shadowed Man standing in turquoise waves staring at a setting sun in a tropical place.

Close, but no cigar.

“cliché A phrase said when one is almost correct or successful but ultimately fails. Cigars were once commonly used as prizes or awards”

Source

A Facebook Dating heartbreak.

I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.

In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…

But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.

Text: I broke my own heart loving you.

Relationship goals

My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)

It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.

I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.

This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.

Next time I’ll know.

The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.

I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.

If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.

Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.

I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.

I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.

Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.

Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.

Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.

I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.

I’m tired of online dating.

My healing journey isn’t over.

My dating journey isn’t over.

I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.

It’s time to start again.

I feel like shit today.

It sucks when things don’t work out. 😰

Ugh.

Song of the post: Summertime by Orville Peck.

It’s an Anxiety day.

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This is a picture of the Siamese cat Coco playing in a box as she pops her head out. She disappeared inside a second later. I felt like a cute kitty picture would contrast this post.
This is a picture of Coco playing in a box, as she pops her head out. She disappeared inside a second later. I felt like a cute kitty picture would be a contrast to this post.

I just have to accept this.

I’m having one of those days where I’m too anxious to do anything. I woke up at my usual time of 5 am. I had a little less sleep than ideal… About 8 hours. With REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.

It’s one of those days when you wake up anxious.

I need a mental health day. (I did take a mental health day off work.)

Anxiety is telling me: “Dude. Rest. It’s not the time to figure out why. Your joints hurt, and your back aches. You need rest. You’ll figure it out.”

You’ll be better tomorrow. It is just one of those days. It’s been a long time since one of these days. I’m grateful and frustrated. It’s simply not a productive day. This is your best today.

Dude, I see you overthinking. You know where that leads. It’s okay not to feel well, and I need rest today. You’ve been doing great in life. Rest is important. You got this.

Today, be a potato.

Coco the Siamese cat, in a paper bag, playing. Sometimes, she moves from a box to a bag, to play in a different spot. I'm grateful you are so lovely, Coco. Such a sweet kitty. 🐱
Coco, in a paper bag, playing. Sometimes, she moves from a box to a bag, to play in a different spot. I’m grateful you are so lovely, Coco. Such a sweet kitty. 🐱

Days in a Life

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Picture of an Ihealth covid-19 test. Result, Negative.
The first result was negative for covid. This is the home test supplied by the American government. There is hope in our cloudy future.

Or waiting for the results 2022…

What a busy day. It’s 10:54pm Friday, and I’m in bed trying to sleep. Cue: The Beatles – A day in the life.

Been here before with a negative result and a positive result. This possible result could be worse than the positive test result for covid. There are scarier diseases in the world than covid. I simply now know what’s going on with me right now. That’s the problem of diagnosing health issues online with duckduckgo or any search engine. It could be a cold or rare cancer that a thousand people have worldwide. To be safe, I texted out from work.

Friday was test day…

A PCR covid test, a dentist appointment, and an STD test. I had no idea I’d need the latter a week ago, this time because I was a virgin. A former 36-year-old virgin. I’ve mentioned it on the blog… I think I’ve mentioned it on the blog. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. 😂🤣😎. Gotta laugh at your own stupid jokes. Guess I had to get a fuck to not give a fuck, hahaha. 😉

…

Okay, I’ll stop.

I’ve talked about it online anonymously. Me being a virgin, that is. Other than that, I’ve only told a friend I lost contact with and my pandemic therapist. I don’t talk about it because it’s embarrassing. After a certain age, you are mocked or thought of as less of a man by women and men. My biggest secret is that I’ve only felt safe discussing online with other virgins and masked. In a future post, I’ll write more about my long experience as a wizard (a man over 30 that is a virgin). For now, I’ll say that I was a safe and consensual one-night stand. Suffice it to say I’ve been really happy.

Tried for a long time to lose it in a romantic relationship… It is what it is.

Some coworkers know I got laid because they were at the bar for the punk rock show, but not the significance. I didn’t feel comfortable saying so. Gotta stay professional and be careful with my sharing in real life. I feel comfortable blogging about not because this is a safe space.

The fact is that I’m single and don’t have a girlfriend. This one-night stand is in the past. I hope that I have an official girlfriend soon. I’m 36, and this was a wonderful gift. I deserve good things too. I deserve a woman who says she wants to date me. Who wants me. I’m done wasting my time with women who don’t want me. Or with anyone who doesn’t want to be my friend or wants to be in my life. Show up, or show yourself out. I’m saying this from a place of calm self-acceptance. What if it all works out?

I’m not getting any younger. I have goals to work towards. I have wanted this all my life. I’m a regular dude and a good man. I’m not giving up this peace or confidence.

Austin Powers: I am a sexy beast!
Groovy Baby! Yeah! 🥰 Finally!

I feel comfortable sharing on the blog because it’s the one place I have control. This is my place in the world. By taking ownership of this aspect of this piece of information about me, it makes me strong. One of the big reasons why I blog is self-acceptance by making sense of the unknown. When I started blogging, I was at rock bottom and completely alone… I felt alone. In any case, I’ve written enough. I’m doing well. No need to dig up the past. It’s gone. I’m not a virgin. I’m not that immature person anymore.

It gets easier quote and clip from Bojack Horseman
It gets easier.

Saturday morning, the results… Russian roulette-style:

The wheel spinning on the Price is right. One contestant falls down, another contestant is jumping up and down in excitement.
The title feels right but maybe too grim. Hopefully, this will ease some tension?

I wouldn’t know my fate until today, 05/28,2022…

Covid PCR results: Negative.

This is how healthcare in the world should be. Free. Or very low cost, with no wait. Click. Empty chamber.

STD test results: Negative.

Thank goodness. These were the tests I was most afraid of.

The urgent care location I went to is not covered by the insurance network… I’m so tired of health insurance bullshit.

Maybe I can bill through them or as a tax deduction. Life has been expensive this month.

I called my insurance company nurse line, and while the initial person took the time to connect me to the right department, She couldn’t get an appointment until 10pm in south Renton… Which I couldn’t do on Friday. I was too wiped out by sickness, too stressed to do an in-depth analysis of my options, and barely made it to drive downtown for same-day urgent care STD testing… ASAP.

Continuing the Russian roulette theme… Two clicks, empty chambers.

Dentist appointment results: Negative. A clean bill of health. Empty chamber.

Veterinarian results for Coco: no signs of a UTI. Tests clear.

She might have a heart murmur or heart condition. The estimated cost is $700+ at the vet I go to. God damnit. How is this fair? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Fuck You, capitalism. Fuck you for doing this. Sigh. I’ll deal with this a bit later.

So maybe something might happen with my dear kitty. I sure hope not.

In summary: I’m okay!

Rip savings.🥲

Danny Daveedo walking away from an explosion, money rains down.

P.S. About Life, & …

There’s this cultural meme in dating/relationships that whatever song you hear when you meet is to become your song. For me, after I was walking home after my one-night stand… It was When doves cry by Prince.

I’m reading the lyrics to When doves cry, and wow! What a coincidence that I happened to hear this song that night. It’s amazing how music can sometimes describe your life at the moment.

Even the parts of life I keep private have gone well. Been a good week again, despite the challenges of life.

Prince the musician in costume playing guitar

Prince

While we are on the subject of Prince… Or the artist formerly known as Prince, I’m a late fan and didn’t know or really appreciate him until the last few years. Which, man. I missed out. Prince is awesome. If you can search for Prince – Super Bowl XLI halftime show on youtube. I can’t link it here, but trust me. This halftime show and live music performance is legendary. And the event documentary of it, too, by the NFL. One last thing. This comedy spoof bit by Dave Chappelle about Prince is hilarious! A cultural millennial legend.

(If you can’t see it in your country, It’s called “Chappelle’s Show – Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories – Prince – Uncensored.)

What a week! Maybe this means the time is close for a girlfriend? Certainly ready for friends of all types! 😮 (Maybe these symptoms, me feeling sick is too long, covid or a cold. Everything else is ruled out. Oh well.)

Finally, I’m a man in all aspects of life. Victory! 🏁🏆

Single and ready to mingle. I also don’t remember when I felt so comfortable with myself. The last time I had so much attention from women. A big deal for me because I’ve been a nerdy, socially anxious, depressed, shy man, most of my life. Fuck yeah. 😁❤️

In the meantime, I’m getting extra rest this holiday weekend! Excuse me as I leave to jam out to Prince.

Thanks for reading! I would like to hear from you about a time you had days like this. You can subscribe below.

Copyright 2022.

Rollercoaster Ride of a week…

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Rollercoaster track
Dear covid, please let me off. Please go away. Let me off, I’ve had enough of this rollercoaster.

Here we go again… Covid just doesn’t want to let go.

The past seven days have been a rollercoaster. I didn’t know I was going to be on one. I hate rollercoasters… They make me nauseous.

Song of the post: Patience (A guns n roses cover) by Chris Cornell

https://youtu.be/myZ32Pf-5PE

Another small covid outbreak at work… I know there’s another surge, but come on. Enough is enough. The timing is not great. My boss was nice about me notifying them about the doctor’s note I gave them about missing two days’ work. I went to urgent care on Sunday because I woke up with chest pain and had trouble breathing. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I got up, focused on breathing, got some water, and waited to see how I felt and to look up my symptoms on duckduckgo. I did get the vaccine two days earlier, the Moderna booster ( the previous two shots, the Pfizer vaccine series), so while I was concerned, I decided to see how I felt in the morning. I had similar but less severe symptoms, so I played it safe, called the nurse line for my healthcare, and sought advice, which was to go to urgent care. Thankfully after a series of tests, I’m okay. I can’t relax because I suspect this bill will be a couple of grand because of our shitty healthcare system in America. I have the best plan I can afford. I’m glad I’m okay on the typical tests, and this is likely a combination of panic attacks and mild booster symptoms, but ugh. I’m tired of the coronavirus and the pandemic… Tired of long Covid controlling my life. Ugh.

President Obama raising his hands like wtf

I’m already dealing with post-verbal warning emotions; I assume I was under close watch after my big mistake last week. Coco had to go to the emergency vet last Wednesday because there was blood in her urine. It turns out to be a UTI after tests. She’s been peeing in my room on clean laundry and my bed, even after I did all my laundry. I’ve had to use a spray bottle with water on Coco to stop her from peeing everywhere. We haven’t had to use this to correct her behavior for a long time. I had no choice. I take her off my bed, then she leaves the room, comes back, and tries to pee again. Thankfully it’s only a handful of drops, and I’m not seeing blood or pink-colored urine. It’s still gross. It’s frustrating because I don’t want her to suffer from pain or a UTI. It’s frustrating because I still have to deal with this while not doing great emotionally or physically. Thank goodness mom offered to help do laundry.

John Stewart saying Fuck!
Pardon me. This is how I’ve felt inside.
Astronaut brothers disguising disgust reaction.
And this.

Radical acceptance, one hour at a time.

Life’s been so stressful lately. I have to focus on what’s going well. I’m killing it with boundaries, values, and communication. I began from a Pot Hole and am choosing effective responses. The past seven days started with boundary mistakes and adjusted. I’ve been standing up for myself, what I believe is correct, and accepting feedback from others. The blow to my ego and shame from breaking my values at work is lessened. Sending an apology message to my bosses helped. Now, I have to have faith that things will work out for the best. I’m doing everything I can.

I’m not letting anxiety take over completely. Thanks past, Reilly! Because you didn’t give up on working on therapy, on yourself, or the problems you learned about Radical acceptance. I’m participating in life. I’m feeling everything. You did that. I’m filling my tank. It’s okay to ask for things you need. For help from others. It’s not black and white.

It’s not arrogant to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself when life’s tough. Or any regular day, for that matter.

Maybe this is that quote on self-improvement Instagram accounts that goes something like: “This situation is showing you what you can handle, and that you handle much more life that you think you can.”

This week is showing me that I’m ready for more. Soon as my mental and physical health recovers. I’ve been kicking ass at life, finally, despite long covid. Remember the good stuff. The small stuff. I am getting better, slowly. I am becoming a better adult, slowly. Slowly forward.

I caught Covid.

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Picture of a Binax Now brand covid test, with a positive result.
What a positive covid test looks like

I’ve been really busy this month

Last weekend, I got the news nobody wants to hear… A coworker came into work positively and spread it. They didn’t know they had it. I was feeling off on the 15th but was well enough to go about my weekend. Monday, I woke up and felt like shit. As I’d done the entire pandemic, I stayed home because I was sick.

Tuesday morning I still felt like shit and took the at-home test shown above. Results: positive. Fuck.

So, I’ve been home this week. Fever, chills, muscle weakness and pain, runny nose, head fog, dizziness, fatigue, occasional confusion, coughing, and trouble breathing sometimes.

It sucks. Thank science for the vaccine.

This after the previous week, I was promoted to department lead. That week, we did well, and I was blown away by all the positive feedback… But that’s another post. (On the way, been on hold)

I’m waiting on the PCR test results I took yesterday. Driving to get that and treating myself to Taco Time wiped me out.

Thankfully, work immediately took action, and the owner immediately bought take-home tests for everyone, and they tested everyone. Also, they finally increased our safety requirements which have been a bit lax so far. It seems more tested positive recently, so I hope it’s not too bad. We require everyone to be fully vaccinated and have for months. This incident goes to show just how dangerous the coronavirus is.

I’m only not boosted because my previous two appointments were canceled due to illness. (My doctor, then me.) I couldn’t get a booster appointment because it’s been so in demand in Seattle. Welp, I’ll be getting it eight weeks after I recover. (8 weeks after because that is the best time for your immune system to recover.)

GET VACCINATED

https://www.vaccines.gov/

I’m Back Baby!

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I’ve been away from blogging

(the featured image is of a cherry grown from a tree I planted 10 years ago. It fruited in July. A timely metaphor for this period of time.)

I can’t point to any one reason why I haven’t blogged this past month-plus. Guess the creative tank was empty. I tried to force myself to write a couple of times over the past month…

Last month I installed an app that tracks my phone use. It’s called “StayFree” (I’m not being paid to say this, though I’d sell out too). And my results have been… Embarrassing.

Screenshot of the app Stayfree, showing app use time.

I have a severe internet addiction problem. (Though I guess the app missed all the time I spent listening to audiobooks on audible. I don’t count that time since it’s good for me.) This has been a problem, especially in the past year. But damn. 274 hours?! Oof.

Picture of WordPress app data.
Wow, I expected my total use time to be much lower than 8 hours 😐. I certainly didn’t spend much of that writing.

The content I did write didn’t feel up to par. I don’t know. I’ve felt scattered and unfocused when writing. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself or attached to perfectionist tendencies. (Edit: Today, I cut up and saved the valuable bits. Which became this post)

Whatever it is, I feel like my life is at another transition point. I think a shift to something new.

French Toast, Donny Burgers, Peanut Butter, and Lemon Slushee Weed oh my!

It’s been a bit since the last blog post. (34 days!) I’ve been busy. Well, not that busy… More focused on doing well at my new job. Hyper-focused. I like what I do for work: trimming weed, my coworkers, and the company. (I wish that I could post pictures. I can’t because this is a form of social media. I wonder if it’s okay a)

Eat, work, sleep. Repeat. As for writing, it felt like the creative well was low, and I needed a small break.

Everything is going well, and I’m slowly feeling secure the company will last more than four months. ( I have no reason to see that they’d close or fail. Thanks to anxiety… )

I’m giving it my all, and I am happy to. The company’s goal is to have the best cannabis in the state. It’s a mindset shift. At my last job, they also had high standards for trimming, but you can only do so much with average-quality products. It’s so refreshing to work at a company like this. It’s like a high-end restaurant… Without the soul-destroying stress, heat, or snobbery.

Last week, we were ‘bucking’ to cut cured, dried branches of product to a smaller size for storage, and the workroom smelled like french toast. The kind that uses fake high fructose corn syrup, imitation vanilla extract, butter, and ground cinnamon/nutmeg you can find on a grocery store spice shelf.

A huge perk of working with weed is the aromas. The best stuff or dank can smell like so many things, from diesel, skunk, to flowers, to a tropical island, to french toast. Grown ideally, it sticks to your gloved hands.

Picture of weed in a mason jar. Strain: Peanut Butter Crunch.
Pictured above: Peanut Butter Crunch cannabis. I received this as a sample to smoke. Getting samples is a perk of working in the cannabis industry. Thanks Fire Bros! This strain is available at recreational stores in WA state!

They’ve been around for five years, built a massive new warehouse to grow multiple times more products due to demand, and hired people to meet it.

The work is pleasant yet challenging. I feel it’s opened my mind to a time when I enjoyed being the best I could be. To grow every day at work. I had this at my last weed job too. It’s a very different culture when everyone is in the same building. My previous job was at a branch location. (Except for our growing team. There is a massive warehouse where our weed is grown. It used to be in our building.) It’s a nice change to regularly see the owner and upper management doing whatever needs to be done. They ask how we’re doing. They want feedback for improvement and mean it.

So many green flags, yet I’m paranoid. I’m trying not to worry about the other shoe dropping. I don’t want to lose this job: good people, a good workplace, and good company.

Once again, the coronavirus pandemic has been the antagonist.

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/vaccines/How-Do-I-Get-a-COVID-19-Vaccine.html

(AKA: Yes, but) I had two separate covid scares week. I felt sick on Monday — fatigue, fever, muscle soreness, and common cold symptoms– so I left work after 45 minutes. I drove to the drive-thru testing center and got a precautionary Covid test to be safe. The test center said the results would be ready in 24-48 hours. So, I had that stress, along with not knowing what was up.

Tuesday morning, the first covid test was negative! What a relief… I’m just sick with a cold. So I took it easy. I had just enough energy to fill my ballot and drop it off at a local community center voting drop box… Driving there in my new car!

I finally have my car! A 2013 Toyota Prius! All thanks to my Dear Aunt M! Love you, Aunt M!

Picture of 2013 prius
Yeah, like that. I’m not comfortable sharing my car yet. This’ll do for now.

Wednesday, I went to work driving by myself in my car for the first time in… like, 7 or 8 years. That whole time I was sharing a car with my mother because it was convenient, and I couldn’t afford another one because of poor mental health and working minimum wage jobs. My mental health has dramatically improved due to therapy and the right mix of medications. If it weren’t for my persistence in my health and good decisions, I would not be in this good spot where I have options. I still have the stuff to work on, but I’m treading water. I’ll take it. With this, I can progress. I am so grateful for all of that.

I worked the day, double-masked for safety. I got through the day but was exhausted. I should have stayed home.

Thursday morning, I turn on my phone and get a message on slack from one of my bosses. Another potential Covid exposure at work on Monday. The appointment was canceled, and everyone who got tested got a sick day. I got tested again and had to wait another 24 hours for a result.

Friday. That morning the result was: Negative! Whew. It seems most of my coworkers tested negative too, which is reassuring. I decided to take Friday off, too, as I wasn’t much better.

In Summary, Two negative covid tests but a bad cold. Waiting for test results is fucking stressful. While we have a mask mandate at work, it could be enforced a bit more. I feel there needs to be a company meeting going over what masks are considered safe (A few coworkers wear neck gaiters, which don’t provide proper protection) and how to properly wear a mask (Aka over the nose, on at all times inside). We need a vaccine requirement for employment.

I’m fucking tired of being considerate anymore. Way past being patient. It’s been 16 months. The pandemic is still raging, and I’ve done everything right. It’s fucking bullshit that only 50% of people are vaccinated at this point. I wish our government would save the remaining vaccines for the kids under 12, send the rest out to the parts of the world that want them, and force the unvaccinated adults (who do not have a valid medical exemption) to pay for them through our insurance system. I want to run up to a denier and shake them. Don’t you care about kids? Don’t you care about the elderly? Don’t you care about the sick? Don’t you care about the well-being of your friends or family? Don’t you care about your fellow human?

This lyric from A change gon come by Sam Cooke sums up how I feel right now as an American, as a person of the world:

“Then I go to my brother
And I say, “Brother, help me please”
But he winds up knockin’ me
Back down on my knees.”

This came up on Genius.com for the song lyrics:

“This line refers to Blacks in the United States who did not openly support the Civil Rights Movement. Often, these people were afraid of violent retribution, and preferred to keep their fellow men “on their knees” in front of whites to avoid conflict. Cooke’s record producers were especially guilty of this.

They were more interested in keeping him popular among white listeners, than allowing him to speak out against race-related injustices in his music. This song was the first politically charged recording of Cooke’s, and was his way of “getting off of his knees.”

Ironically, the track was initially buried on the B-side of a semi-popular single by his producers. Rather than being released to stand on its own, the executives were too worried it would degrade Cooke’s popularity with whites.”

https://genius.com/1300893

It’s no wonder why another civil rights reckoning is happening during the pandemic. (Fucking stalled in the Senate by the same people making the pandemic worse, Republicans). Everyone is equal in the face of a virus. Corona Virus doesn’t care about your skin color, your feelings, your politics, or anything about you. It exists to spread in ideal conditions. The only way you are safe is to get the vaccine. To wear a mask and distance themselves from others.

You know… I need a Pandemic Anger Anonymous support group. Something. Another year of this? Ugh.

Oh, I finally feel a sense of peace and understanding regarding all the grief I went through last year. I’m sorry, and I vow never to act that way again.

It’s nice not to have that weighing on me every day… on top of 2021’s stuff.

Rest in Peace, Aunt Ann.

Thank you for reading this; I realize I haven’t been consistent lately… And I want to get back on the blog horse. If you enjoyed this, please give it a like, and tell me what you think in the comments! Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please GET VACCINATED, wear a mask indoors or near people, that covers your mouth and nose. Wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2021. All rights reserved.

Time to be social

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Picture of a renaissance painting of a person laying awake in bed.

I’ve been lonely, but I can do something about it.

My friends are vaccinated, and 70% of Seattle, I haven’t been social. I’m unsure why I haven’t tried to do things with people. My last job was great, and I miss the work and my former co-workers.

I guess I’m starting to heal from being laid off last week. The third time in a row I’ve been laid off. Ugh, I do not want to get back on the job hunt. I’m tired of the yoyo between unemployment and working. I wish to work to be on autopilot to live the rest of my life.

I feel that I can’t date unless I have a job. I need to take a break from Tinder and Bumble. I haven’t been getting matches. Sometimes I get a like on bumble, but every time the “liked timer” for 24 hours expires. I feel like I’ve already cycled through everyone within 100 miles on tinder and been rejected by all.

I need feedback from a friend on my profiles… And I need new pictures.

So frustrating…

Maybe I’ve reverted to being a hermit with covid paranoia, and that’s why I haven’t reached out to people to hang out. (And I just had a wonderful time a few weeks ago at my friend’s house.) Maybe it’s my trust issues.

I need help, but I don’t know what to ask for.

I don’t like feeling invisible.

I feel like I’ve been complaining in posts too much.

Gif of a stick person living in the pandemic lockdown life.

Time to do things differently. I can do this.

Some good

Okay, time to practice gratitude for what I have.

I’m grateful to live in my mother’s house, for mom being generous to charge low rent, in a safe neighborhood, and for my cats.

I’m grateful for having food.

I’m grateful for my mom being alive and that she cares about me.

I’m grateful for the internet keeping me connected to people.

I’m handling the grief from the recent layoff effectively. Feeling the waves as they come.

I’m grateful that things are about to open up.

I’m grateful to be alive, even though I’m in a rough patch.

I’m grateful I’m ready to return to school for a different career. I’m thinking about maybe majoring in something involved with mental health. If not that, something white collar.

I’m grateful for the warm sunny summer weather.

Song of the post: Feels like Summer by Donald Glover

One step forward.

In a Viktor Frankl mood; Migraine hangover.

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Struggling to write lately

I haven’t been feeling well physically lately. Had a really bad headache on Saturday that felt like a migraine. I haven’t had one in a while, and had forgotten how awful they feel. My guess is that it’s due to my lack of self care. I haven’t been exercising or moving around much, eating healthy– eating too much processed foods such as ramen– spending all day on a screen watching anime or anxiously browsing the internet, and not doing fulfilling non screen activities. I need to get back on my meditation routine.

For now, I need to recover from this. Just when I thought that I wouldn’t have migraines again. I guess it wasn’t due to my previous medication combination. Fuck.

Dizziness, sensitivity to light and certain sounds, mental fogginess, and a mild headache? That’s a migraine hangover alright…

While I need to continue to work on figuring out new goals, passions, meaning, and dreams for my life, for the immediate future I need to recover from this. I can barely look at my phone screen as I type this.

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