Category Archives: Relationships

I’m Tired of being Single

Posted on by 6 comments
Stop talking yourself out of opportunities because you don't feel" ready" yet. It's time to jump.

Song of the post: Tired of Being Alone by Al Green

That doesn’t mean I’m going to settle. A rant on dating apps…

I don’t want to use dating apps again. I didn’t have much success after using Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble for a couple of years. It’s like looking for work on Indeed, but you can apply to every job. Unlike sites like Indeed, where you look for work, with dating and dating apps, you have a chance of success with people out of your training, experience, or attractiveness because of how dating works. Dating apps are worse than Indeed because at least you know if you have a fair shot of success with looking for work because you know your potential pool of employers based on your training and expertise. With dating apps, you see every job or person nearby. Sure I could apply for that CEO job in baking despite having zero experience or knowledge of that industry and have better odds of winning the lottery. But they won’t look at my application and do not reply, making me think I have a shot at an interview. They won’t match up like on bumble and force me to watch the match timer slowly tick away for three days before never responding. Jobs won’t make their needs unclear or not put enough information in their post for job seekers not to know what they are looking for.

Some posts on instagram that resonates with this new me:

What am I looking for in a partner?

  • Single
  • Doesn’t have kids. I don’t want to be a father right away. I’d only consider kids after dating and living together for a couple years.
  • Willing to pace the relationship. Not too fast, not too slow.
  • Has goals.
  • Has a job. Must work.
  • A secure attachment or is currently going to therapy to heal this.
  • Must be left wing with politics.
  • Not codependent.
  • Not manipulate.
  • Not abusive.
  • Not narcissistic, or has any other major personality disorder.
  • Wants to meet in person for dates.
  • Lives nearby.
  • Not an addict.
  • Can communicate in a mature manner.
  • Is self aware and in tune with their emotions.
  • Is smart or open minded.
  • Not religious. (I might be willing to compromise depending on how religious the woman is. Lots of variables on this.)
  • Has her own life.
  • Emotionally available.
  • Respects my boundaries.
  • Respects therapy.
  • Is in reasonable shape. I’m not attracted to heavier women despite me being an obese man.
  • Is interested in me.
  • Accepts me being on the autism spectrum. Accepts me having long covid.
  • Preferably an introvert.
  • Is okay with me being a homebody.
  • Is okay with me consuming weed every once in a while.
  • Is okay with me living with my mother for rent purposes.

I’m probably forgetting some things in this list. I wonder if this is asking too much. I wonder if I meet these things myself.

I am happy being single.

I also want to know what it feels like to be in a healthy, thriving, romantic relationship. Ive never been in one. I feel like I have missed out on this part of life.

The closest I have been in one was earlier this year. That relationship didn’t work out because of pacing.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/06/27/close-but-no-cigar/

I did ask a friend I met through blogging that I have a strong connection with if she was down with a long-distance relationship, but she said she couldn’t do it because of the distance. Make sense, as she lives in Kenya. That hurt. Especially since I’ve never had a connection like this with an amazing woman like her before. (She is not a catfish or scammer for those concerned. I’ve become an unwilling expert on the subject, sigh.) I’ve been considering visiting her because we get along so well. On the negative side, it would be tough for either of us to start over in a new country to be with each other. Sigh. 😢 (I have given this serious thought since it would be easier for me to do with where I am in life.) Who knows what will happen with this. I’m going to hope for the best-case outcome as a change. Once again it’s nice to have an awesome friend.

I’m 36 and haven’t had a long-term romantic relationship before, which bothers me. I count this as a woman saying she is my girlfriend and that we are officially a couple. I had had short long-distance relationships before where this was the case, but they didn’t work out for different reasons. Dating hasn’t been fun at all for me. Between not feeling ready because of my mental health or job situation, living with my mother, mountains of rejection with online dating, and holding onto a fantasy bond crush that had a disastrous ending that was my fault… I hate dating. I’m fed up with how difficult it’s been.

Therapy has helped me heal from these prior wounds—especially the last one I listed as a reason why.

Man covering face with hands as feeling regret.
That’s never happening again.

I feel that I’m a Demisexual and need an emotional connection to be attracted to a woman.

I have asked out women before, and had a handful of dates, but none worked out. All those dates were stressful because I was anxious or not enjoying them.

What could go wrong, has gone wrong.

I asked out a coworker, she was flattered but in a relationship. On the plus side I gained a friend and I am happy with that.🙂

I suppose that impromptu meeting with a woman earlier this year that led to a one-night stand and me having sex for the first time could be considered a successful date. That only worked because I chose not to wear a mask at the bar while hanging out at the rock show. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the experience and am grateful.

I’m honestly not sure if I’m interested in dating anymore. I loathe the process. I don’t like bars or busy places. I’m still cautious about any indoor area with many people because im afraid of catching covid again.

All things considered I have been crushing it this year with dating. I have had two feet in the arena and pushing myself forward despite not being in a relationship. (yet) for many years I wasn’t trying or not living in reality. My hard work of working on myself, learning from my mistakes, and growing has paid off.

I’m lonely, and comfortable with myself.

The long dating journey continues…

Auto-Correct Cat Escape Story

Posted on by 5 comments
Coconut perched on the window, waiting for me to arrive home from work. An earlier time when she didn't know how to escape.
Coconut perched on the window, waiting for me to arrive home from work. An earlier time when she didn’t know how to escape.

I had an Auto-correct moment in October.

  1. I had an Auto-correct moment in October.
  2. Coco’s Catwalks.
  3. The Orange and White cat Saga, & a brief history of our cats.
  4. Once upon a time, an Orange and White American Short-hair cat jumped out the window.
  5. Figuring out the Great Escape
  6. The moment of truth, the Auto Corrected Text:

I meant to write this post earlier, but life got in the way.

For about a year plus, my mother and I have walked my cat Coconut, or Coco for short. We take turns taking her outside of the house on a leash. She is the only cat I have walked out with a leash. Every cat I’ve had in life has been an indoor-outdoor cat. Every cat I have had has been The King/Queen cat of the neighborhood dominating other cats. Coco is only the second cat to jump out the front window to escape.

Songs of the post: Stray Cat Strut by Stray Cats, Jolene by Dolly Parton, Jump by Van Halen.

Coco’s Catwalks.

I chose to walk Coco on a leash outside because I didn’t want her to become comfortable with being an outdoor cat. This conflicts with a long goal I’ve had to move out.

I haven’t moved out because what could go wrong did. I’m so close. The only left as obstacle is my physical health. (Well, my physical health AND finding an affordable place to live on my own without roommates.)

Living with Long Covid is a drag. Some days I feel awful. I have to remind myself that the good days outn umber the bad. The unpredictability sucks. It sucks having a barely understood chronic illness. I have to remember that I am slowly recovering.

One advantage of living with My mother is that she has helped to walk Coco too… I’m usually wiped out after work because of this chronic illness. Well, and laziness.🤦 My job isn’t physically taxing most days, so it’s not why I’m so tired when I get home. I’m getting better about making time to walk Coco.

Coco on top of the grape trellis checking it out.
Coco on the grape trellis checking it out. She figured out how to climb up herself.

Coco wants to go outside immediately when we arrive home from work. Natural for a 2-year-old Siamese cat. Well, maybe. I need to explain some background.

The original plan was to have her be an indoor cat. I didn’t then, and I don’t want her to be comfortable with this area, then have her be an inside cat at a place I move to. Coco enjoys being outside. I like going out with her on our zen cat-walks.

I used to come home from work and smoke weed outside to unwind. I don’t smoke at all anymore.

I changed my mind about letting her outside because I felt terrible seeing her inside, wanting to be closer than the window, watching me on the back deck. Coco is a talkative, social cat to those she knows and is comfortable with.

Coco would hang out on the kitchen windowsill and watch. Over time we trained her not to explore the kitchen counters while we were outside.

I decided on a compromise which was to take her out on a leash.

Cartoon cat walking on a leash
Expectation…

Over time, Coco has become more vocal about wanting to go outside. A meow/yowl that sounds like “Out.” She has become more clever in her escape attempts. She was trying to wiggle by whenever one of us came through the doors to the house. I have to play man-to-cat defense with her as a basketball player would.

Tough basketball defense.

Unlike dogs, it’s not guaranteed that taking cats out on a walk on a leash will work. Cats are independent creatures and can decide one day that they won’t allow me to walk them on a leash.

Cat on a leash leading a blind man... who gets hit by a car because the cat led him there.
Reality.
Okay, not that extreme. 😅 More slow and steady with lots of exploring, seeking grass to eat, and sniffing things by Coco. Plus, Coco is not a mean cat and is cautious outside.

As Coco has grown up, she has become much more intelligent and figured out ways to escape the leash while outside. She has figured out how to climb up places none of our other cats has climbed up on. She has explored every inch of the inside of the house. Coco has become more assertive about wanting to go outside more, even when she has already been outside for a walk for the day.

For context for this story, I need to talk about the only other time a cat escaped our house from the front window.

The Orange and White cat Saga, & a brief history of our cats.

About five to six years ago, a white and orange cat with a collar showed up regularly at our back door. I assume it was a neighbor’s cat because it had a collar with a name on it… Which I have since forgotten. This cat was affectionate, and my g,guess is that it lived nearby and explored the neighborhood while expanding its territory as cats do. This cat was smart enough to show up whenever my cats at the time, Lucy and Flip were not nearby. Lucy was in her prime at age 5/6, and Flip was about 12 and was fit enough to challenge Lucy as the ruler cat of the neighborhood.

King/Queen-Cat of the Neighborhood

Our block had one other cat who was dominant and lived in several different houses, a half-Siamese all-black cat buff as a bodybuilder cat named Oliver… However, Oliver was below Lucy and Flip in the hierarchy. Oliver was originally a kitten from one of our family friends to another family friend. Was part of our family’s cat after he left our neighbor’s house when they got a dog and moved residences along the block along with living outside in his younger days. Oliver was the only neighborhood cat that visited our family regularly, often to come inside and eat food, and all of us to pet him. Oliver, the bluffest cat you have ever seen, was a submissive baby to our family. My cat Flip would allow him to eat crunchy cat food but would complain if he saw Oliver in the kitchen. Oliver would usually leave if I was not there to stop Flip. Flip was the second generation of our cats to be dominant over Oliver after our cat Tip was already a couple years old before Oliver was born. Eventually, Tip got older, and Flip took over. Flip got older, and Lucy took over. Oliver respected the chain of command, was respectful if rebellious of Flip, and feared Lucy, who would assert dominance and chase Oliver away. Flip would sometimes assert dominance but would allow Oliver to come in if I was there.

To summarize, Oliver was the only cat who would visit, want to come inside, come to eat, rarely play if it was safe, and leave.

Cat flow chart:

  • Generation 1: Tip
  • Generation 2: Tip, Flip, Oliver part-time.
  • Generation 3: Tip, Flip, Lucy Oliver part-time.
  • Generation 4: Flip, Lucy, Oliver part-time.
  • Generation 5: Lucy, Coconut.

Our family would know our cats were the top because our neighbors would tell us, I digress; back to the main story.

Once upon a time, an Orange and White American Short-hair cat jumped out the window.

orange and white american shorthair cat
A representation of what the Orange and white cat looked like. Maybe it was a calico?

For this story, I will refer to this neighbor cat as Orangey instead of Orange and white neighbor cat. This story occurred 5-6 years ago at home during the summer.

Orangey began showing up more often at the back door, and would want pets and attention from me outside as he was a friendly cat.

One day, Orangey was looking in the back door window to look inside. I opened the door, and he cautiously looked in for other cats, then proceeded in. He sniffed around, snuck to the dry cat food bowl, and ate.

As I remember, I was cooking something at the time and focused on it.

Next thing I know, Lucy is yowling and puffed up in the kitchen staring at Orangey. Orangey runs downstairs, and Lucy dashes after him. I hear them downstairs yowling as cats do in a fight for territory. I text mom what’s going on, and we meet in the basement, where we find both cats on a storage rack with boxes of stuff. Orangey climbs to the top and to the window to shield himself. Lucy is about a foot away on a box growling. I pick up the box with Lucy on it, put it on the floor, and carefully climb up on the drier to pick up Orangey. He allows me to pick him up, and my mom watches Lucy. I bring him to the downstairs door, and Lucy dashes towards him again. The chase is on.

I run after the cats, hoping to somehow make it upstairs to open the back door to allow Orangey to escape. I don’t make it. Lucy chases Orangey around the kitchen, Flip sees this and follows. I see Orangey make a beeline to the living room.

The window is wide open since it’s summer. Orangey dashes to it, and I follow.

Gif of a Cheetah running at full speed.
At full speed like this cheetah.

I make it before seeing him dash across the living room to the window and jump out to safety.

A black and white cat jumping a long distance from a couch to a bed, landing gracefully.
The jump looks something like this.

Lucy stops at the window and sees Orangey land safely on the garden strip below. Orangey pauses to clean himself and wanders off. I’ve never seen a cat make a jump like this before or after. Lucy has a look of utter satisfaction. I never see Orangey again.

This brings us to October 2022, when Coco managed to escape outside.

Figuring out the Great Escape

Lucy on the windowsill
Coco is on the windowsill watching a rabbit.
The rabbit.
Coco is on the windowsill, checking out the plant nearby.
Siamese cat Coco on an open window windowsill looking outside watching a rabbit during the summer.
Coco is on the windowsill watching a rabbit during the summer.

I did not witness Coco escaping. I couldn’t find her around the house when this event happened, despite searching everywhere and calling her name. The window was open, as shown in the picture above. Coco enjoys sitting in the window and peering outside. It’s a way to calm her down when she wants to be outside, but she either has had a long walk outside, and/or we are busy doing something else. To this point, it had not been an issue. Keeping the window open like this has been a thing we have done for our cats when it’s warm.

Picture of a point of view from a house window looking down into a driveway and garden strip.

Coco would see this from her point of view, sitting at the window. This is about 10 feet to the driveway and about 6 feet to the edge of the concrete wall shown here. Even if she were to jump, it would be difficult with all of the plants in the garden growing at this time. I estimate that it would be about 8 feet to the spot in the center of the photo beneath the mint plants at the top of the concrete wall, above the rusted frame of a chair. Missing this jump would be dangerous and likely cause severe harm to a small cat such as Coco.

While a cat can make this jump at full speed, as I described earlier, I suspect that Coco was savvier about her jump. This is the cat that figured out how to climb up to my bed as a 6-week-old kitten to sleep on me on the first day I adopted her. This is the same cat that can open unlocked exterior doors by clawing and pulling at the corners.

However, she did escape; it’s an unsolved mystery.

The moment of truth, the Auto Corrected Text:

Picture of a text message conversation. Me: OMG Cock jumped out of the window and is outside exploring. Me: 😂😂😂 Me: Coconut LMAO Me: She complained (when I found her and approached) then hissed at me when I brought her in.
The brief auto-correct conversation.

So that’s the story of a cat jumping out of a window to go outside.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this or have a pet escape story, share it below in the comments! If you enjoy this blog, be sure to subscribe below! You can find more posts about cats below, or in the archives.

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022.

Unique Opportunity: Epilogue

Posted on by 5 comments
It’s been a long time since I feel I did something trophy worthy.

I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

I’m starting to feel fantastic positive feelings as a result of writing that essay. I achieved a goal I wanted. This victory shows that I am capable of so much more. This shows that all the inner work I’ve done has paid off.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/08/02/a-unique-opportunity-part-2/

Part 1:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/05/12/a-unique-opportunity/

This blog post is part 3 of a series of posts about this experience

I have an article in a newspaper! I told my story and hopefully will help change the world for the better. Holy shit. That’s a big deal!

This is evidence of how great a writer I could be. I had a lot of help from the Seattle Times journalist. This situation shows me that I can grow as a writer. I stood up and spoke out about problems in the mental health system. I’ll be helping someone else struggling. It feels good to help others by speaking up.

What a big deal! …

Someone told me "whenever your life is feeling stagnant or as if nothing is happening, that means you're being given the time & space to heal & release the baggage that you cannot carry to where you're meant to go soon..." I haven't looked at shit the same since.

Follow up details

I need to add details to the last post and the article. I didn’t mean to overlook these details. Ever have that feeling after a conversation where you remember something after the fact? That’s been me since Monday.

I did have successes in therapy. I feel I discounted how much of an impact therapy has had when it does work. I was able to work through so much with my therapist and everyone at Sound.

They had great groups and any support you needed. I can’t say enough how grateful I am to Sound Mental Health in this therapy journey. Life from April 2020 to June 2021 was good. That’s because I was in therapy. That’s because the zoom groups were so great. Those kept me going despite the lockdown social distance phase of the pandemic. I attempted to return for treatment there; however, they only take Medicaid. Disappointing that I couldn’t continue… But I get it. Those on Medicaid who need therapy need great providers the most. Just as I did during my time there.

Groups were helpful and supportive at Valley Cities while I was there. I really enjoyed the activities and the people. The employee turnover and changing therapists was too much for me. I wish I could have found that therapist match there. Oh well. I got some helpful skills out of this disappointment.

Back in 2009, I had a favorable year-long therapy treatment that helped. We worked through PTSD I was experiencing then. A year later, I recovered from PTSD through exposure therapy. It’s what I needed at the time.

Ah… I should have accepted the suggestion by the reporter to say something positive about therapy. I hope I didn’t mislead anyone about my experience. Therapy can help. It is maddening to get that help you need.

My problem has been how hard it was to get started, get comfortable, and progress in therapy. It’s been a long roller coaster ride I didn’t want. I was frustrated because now I know how it feels to be healed. What it feels like to have your work pay off. I have become better. I’ve become a better man. I never thought life could feel so fulfilling. I forgot how success feels to achieve something difficult with persistence and hard work. Therapy became my higher power. The dream is to heal all the trauma, fix the suffering as a side effect of mental illness, and break the line of generational trauma.

Faith is an act of trust in the unknown. Alan Watts
I’m not big on faith or spirituality, so posting thus is significant.

I’m choosing to take this as proof that I have grown as a person. I’m enough of an adult to take care of myself by finding a therapist. I know that I can follow through and win. I know there is more to dream about. I know that I want more from life.

I wouldn’t be here without therapy, psychology, the internet, and not giving up despite the heartbreak. All the therapists and social workers all the way. I didn’t give up at my lowest. I somehow held on. I wouldn’t be here without all the excellent support from my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side of the family. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cousins. I wouldn’t be here without blogging. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cats. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my mom or brother. I wouldn’t be here with my friends. I am here because I had so much support along the way. The pandemic has shown how many good people I have in my life.

This is a victory for my values. A concept I learned with my previous therapist. This is a life-changing victory on all levels for me. I am more capable than I ever thought possible. I stood up for better mental health. I stood up for better healthcare. I stood up for civil rights. I stood up for personal accountability. I did it because it felt like the right thing to do.

I’m back in the arena, ready for the next mountain to climb.

I’ve become a published writer in a big publisher!

I’m the first family member to be published in the Northwest section of the Seattle Times! My mother, the poet, hasn’t done this. She’s been writing for 40-plus years. My cousins won state championships in high school basketball but they never did this. Nobody on either side of my family has achieved this.

I have made it, and the 15 minutes of fame are over. It was nice while it lasted. I’m grateful to have wrote that. I’m grateful for the experience.

Source

I’m back to square zero. I gotta figure out the next goal. What do I desire?

On second thought, I shouldn’t have blogged that.

Posted on by 7 comments

That wasn’t right.

I made a private family matter, public. I’ve felt bad about blogging by oversharing.

I forgot to consider how that would feel to read by someone involved. That isn’t right, and I would be upset.

I made a mistake, and need to apologize.

I’m sorry.

That should have been private. I won’t do that again.

Life sure is tough right now, huh? 🙂

I wish there was something I could do to help.

This situation is triggering…

It’s got me thinking about the past. How I could’ve handled situations better.

Remembering past breakups, thinking about if I could have said things better. Been a better man who could communicate. How could I been better as a man. Thinking how I could have been mature.

Work is amazing. It’s consistent, everyone is great to work with, I like my job though it’s repetitive. I feel like I belong. I’m becoming comfortable being social. I’m grateful to have this.

Social life

Work being a rock allows me to cope with my lack of social life… It’s time. I’ll be looking for an in person group on meetup.com Time to go out and safely socialize.

Well, this isn’t true. I did go out to see comedian Ron Funches live at the Neptune theater in Seattle last Saturday. That is the first time I’ve ever gone out to see a standup comedian at a theater…. Never thought of doing that before, and the show was hilarious. It was Ron Funches and 3 comedians I forgot the names to (sorry!😬)… The opening comics were funny too, it was interesting to see the contrast of comedic styles between them.

So, keep moving forward… You are progressing in life. There is hope and good things in your life. You’re doing great handling everything. Its been a long week.

Moving Mountains

Posted on by 9 comments
Mountain reflected on a lake at night, when the stars are out
Source

I’m seeking a new mountain to climb.

I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/existential-blog-crisis/

TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.

The problem now…

I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?

Am I really mature enough?

Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.

I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.

Am I ready for a different life?

Woman saying: I'm sorry, I'm not ready to do that.

I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.

I’m not happy with my life.

I’m tired of “just existing.”

I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.

The state of the world has worn me out.

Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.

I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.

Read the article below and had an epiphany.

View at Medium.com

I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.

No wonder I’m going crazy.

I’m both of the following:

The Love Addict
If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.

So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.

From above article

“The Love Avoidant
If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.

An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that

Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs
Intimacy is smothering, and
I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much
You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.

Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.

Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”

Same article
Chris Farley saying "good, great."

I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)

Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!

Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️

Is my purpose for suffering?

Maybe I am a monster.

I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.

I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.

I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?

What have I done?

I hope it’s not too late.

😦

I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains

“I change myself, I change the world.”

Gloria Anzaldua Source

Have I really changed for the better?

Why do I keep fucking up?

I’m the problem.

Nobody is going to save me.

Nobody is going to stop me.

I’m on my own.

Are there pebbles I can move to get rid of this mountain range?

I don’t deserve better because I haven’t achieved better in life. All anyone is, is this current moment. Right now.

Will you keep making excuses, or will you do something about yourself, your life Reilly?

Be a man and move some pebbles. Or languish underneath them while the stones pile on.

What’s wrong with me?

Gordon Ramsey saying: Get your shit together

Who are you going to be?

I hope this post isn’t a mistake…

Great. I’m depressed. 🙃😥 Sigh.

Close, but no Cigar

Posted on by 5 comments
Shadowed Man standing in turquoise waves staring at a setting sun in a tropical place.

Close, but no cigar.

“cliché A phrase said when one is almost correct or successful but ultimately fails. Cigars were once commonly used as prizes or awards”

Source

A Facebook Dating heartbreak.

I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.

In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…

But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.

Text: I broke my own heart loving you.

Relationship goals

My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)

It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.

I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.

This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.

Next time I’ll know.

The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.

I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.

If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.

Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.

I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.

I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.

Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.

Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.

Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.

I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.

I’m tired of online dating.

My healing journey isn’t over.

My dating journey isn’t over.

I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.

It’s time to start again.

I feel like shit today.

It sucks when things don’t work out. 😰

Ugh.

Song of the post: Summertime by Orville Peck.

Step Up!

Posted on by 5 comments
Person walking up the stairs of a Mayan structure

Well…

Song of the post: Make it Right by Foo Fighters.

It sure feels like a covid aftershock is on us. Some family members and people at my mom’s job are getting it. There’s been a streak going on at work. People have been either exposed to someone close or caught it themselves. The latest is my supervisor. Which means as the assistant manager, I’m the one in charge. I’m responsible for the room until he returns.

Thankfully, one of the big bosses has been in every day. It was a recent and necessary change. It’s so nice to have him around. I like how our owners care about everyone, care about the day-to-day details, want a safe and welcoming workplace, care about feedback while giving honest, professional answers, and model healthy communication.

Sleepy Thursday.

I didn’t realize it was Thursday yesterday until I drove home. I’ve been so focused on doing well at work, keeping up with new and old duties, and basic life maintenance that I’d lost track of the day.

I’m falling asleep as I type this. Eyelids slowly closing. I was so tired that I went to bed at 8pm.

Been going to bed early, not getting up earlier at 5am because I’ve been so tired. Except for Monday, when I had a migraine and had to recover.

I’m losing focus, so I’ll continue tomorrow…

Friday

Though I had a brief period back in January/February where I was a department manager and was okay overall, I don’t want to.

I’m better in a support role and working with my department lead. I came to peace with this in What if it all works out?, Two weeks ago. This isn’t to say I’m not ambitious or could improve on things like my people skills and communication. I’m at peace with where I’m, who I am, and who I want to become. I think we have a good balance between our department managers.

It’s been helpful to have the upper bosses around and checking in often this week. I’ve had a little experience managing people back in cooking school, which was half a lifetime ago 😬…

Along with them modeling how to be a good boss, I’m learning how to effectively communicate and see nonviolent communication in action. I’ve read a lot and watched many hours of relationship skills. However, it’s different to see it practiced in a situation.

Recently our department and certain employees haven’t been hitting our goals. My gut tells me that there was a communication gap somewhere on the line. Based on how well we communicate, I know it wasn’t me, my department manager, or our boss. In any case, this is the work environment I’ve sought for a long time. I’ve had many jobs and haven’t had that right balance of work I’m good at + the work environment I fit into + employers/bosses that fit my needs + a consistent schedule + good coworkers. (Though I haven’t had trouble with coworkers in my work life.)

Work and my bosses are giving me an example of the man I want to be. The person I want to be. I want our department to be successful. I want the business to succeed. I want to be successful.

Today, my department lead returned. It’s nice to have him back, as some of the pressure to be the person in charge is off. I do enjoy being the lead for a couple days a week. We have overlapping duties, and I have been letting him do many of them… But I’d like to do that a little bit more than trimming full-time. I’m sure he’d be happy to rotate duties a bit since we get along well. I just got to do it.

Everyone’s performance reviews are coming up next week. I’m nervous, fighting off the “You’re going to be fired” thoughts, even though I have no reason to be. I am enough. I am doing well. I am worthy of this management job.

This means I’ll have to increase anxiety-related self-care. This part of me is saying that it needs attention.

I got to get ready for work in a minute. Coco is lying on me on the couch, purring after her morning neck nuzzles, and I want to finish writing. I don’t want to get up for work. Despite enjoying work. I don’t want to let my boss down. I’ve missed too much work recently and have no sick time.

Alright, gotta psych myself up to get out the door…

(I did it! And made it through the day! A good day at work!)

Post Script: Man, it was hard to write this week. Finding time when I wasn’t exhausted or spent was a challenge. The key is that I’m improving. I increased my time management skills by pushing just enough to write a little bit, edit a little bit, and recognize when I had 10 minutes here or 15 minutes there to put words on the page. Sometimes writing is a psychological negotiation with yourself. I’ve won by focusing on improving a little bit and committing to finishing. Hopefully, this will help someone else out there struggling to write.

In short, I stepped up at work. I stepped up at blogging.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoy my work, please comment below or subscribe!

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022

What if it all works out?

Posted on by 13 comments
A new poster I bought last month from self care is for everyone . (If someone from here is reading this, I'm willing to shill lol, I like your stuff!) "What if it all works out?"
A new poster I bought last month from self-care is for everyone. (If someone from here is reading this, I’m willing to shill lol, I like your stuff!)

What a turn around!

Music of the post:

Times like these, live acoustic version, Foo Fighters

What a difference two weeks makes.

I’m still standing here. The booster shot kicked my ass. I survived. I’m tired and worn out after a hard workout, but I’m okay. I stood up for myself and my values at work, and everything turned out great! I’m doing an excellent job at work, according to my bosses, despite the mistake. Coconut seems to have recovered from the UTI. Life is going great. I’m not over long covid, but it’s manageable. What’s important is that life feels it is moving forward in an unexpectedly excellent positive way.

Rob Lucci, from one piece looks over his shoulder to see Luffy standing up again after a beating.

I’m reposting this Rocky Balboa quote because it still speaks to me in these good times:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! “

Rocky Balboa

I’m winning at life right now

I haven’t been able to say that in a long time.

Being able to express me through blogging and meeting people with this same interest is much better for connecting. You can have friends and people there for you of all types. It’s been a long time since I felt inner peace. Felt at ease being myself. Able to communicate my needs with others and live my values.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt at peace that I can be myself with anyone. While there were brief periods where I felt at ease, confident, and with little insecurities, it was short. Life beat me down. This breakthrough may have been under the surface due to the pandemic. Being at rock bottom, healing, and being cautious because of the need to survive are factors. The pandemic isn’t over yet, and I’m still taking safety measures…

But it’s all working out. I sure didn’t expect that in (cringe) these uncertain times. (Can we agree as English speakers to kill this phrase after all this?)

I didn’t get here alone, and I’m so grateful I didn’t have to. Yes, I did the hard inner work and improvement. I feel like a man.

Acts of kindness

  • There was an uncomfortable incident in a meeting where a coworker was being critical and making us comfortable with their feedback, which wasn’t asked for and was unprofessional. Right after, my boss apologized to everyone there for the situation.
  • Earlier that week, my boss gave me a high five as I was on my way inside to eat lunch, holding a stack of small containers. I did that strange thing one does when you want to have a pile of stuff with one arm, holding it between my left arm and chin. High five accomplished. Lol.
  • The next day, the owner does the same and says he wants a culture where everyone is treated with respect, no matter what their job title. The latter reinforces my POV of my email, which caused a problem at work and got me in trouble because I overshared. In short, massive green flags. I can make mistakes, and my bosses will work with me to grow as a person.
  • I ordered lunch at this amazing restaurant called Damoori Kitchen. They serve delicious Lebanese cuisine. It’s barely close enough to drive to for pickup, and back in time to eat at lunch. I get there, it’s like 115, but my order wasn’t made because the counter person missed the sound cue. Which sucks, but disappointing. They offer to make it right away, but I explain that I can’t wait because I’ll be late returning for lunch. They refund my order, but I’m left hungry. Damn. I return to my car, and as I’m about to back out in reverse, the owner waves to me so I pause, and she brings me some pita chips, eggplant dip, and hummus free of charge! Awesome.

I feel well enough to blog on a regular schedule once more. I physically couldn’t due to long covid, starting this new manager position, and a problematic coworker who drained me because of their drama… Thankfully that’s resolved. My plan, for now, is for eight posts a month/twice a week to improve the quality of my writing and my SEO knowledge/skill. The key is to keep moving forward.

I’ve got my groove back.

Back from the break

Posted on by 4 comments
Tweet: Sorry for not keeping in touch, I have literally nothing to say.

I’m back blogging

I’m not sure what else to say here. The time off helped.

I’m not entirely refreshed about writing/blogging. Not having to do it for three weeks was necessary. I’m hard on myself whenever I mess up—a recovering perfectionist.

I needed that break. It forced me to do other fulfilling activities, such as cooking instead. My brain needed a rest.

I don’t know how often I’ll be putting out posts… For now, all I know is that I’m back to a regular schedule. I need deadlines and routines to function. I’m finally feeling comfortable at work and am starting to notice some headspace to think about other things.

It’s taken me a long time to be comfortable at work. At a place, I like working at. That’s a big deal for me.

I have to trust the process and appreciate the small steps. So, this post is the best I can do.

Long term, I’ll have to schedule breaks in the future.

Thank you for continuing to support the blog!

Correction: I’m taking a 3 week break

Posted on by 11 comments

I feel I posted the last post too soon, and I over reacted. I don’t want to be impulsive like that, so I feel this is a reasonable compromise.

I do need a long break, but not like this. Therapy will help. A longer break to allow me to focus on improving my personal life is just what I need.

I need to reconnect with offline life, family, friends, and myself.

Thanks for understanding.

« Older Entries