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Missed post

Honestly I was really tired yesterday. No matter what job I do, I need the first weekend day to recover and not do anything. Add in that I was essentially laid off after this week, and that the conversation with the person I met on Tinder went sour, I didn’t have it. That is why I didn’t post yesterday.

Well, it is how it is.

I’m going to try and post one more time today to make up for it. This blogging marathon is a promise I made to myself, and you readers, so I must deliver on it. After all, the world only cares about results.

This new situationship with the lady I met on Tinder is giving me pause and reevaluating it. I’m going on a gut feeling since I can’t rely on practical wisdom to evaluate. I only have a little dating experience, and I’m not much of a people person. My gut is telling me something is off. I am hoping this is a temporary blip. Guess this is another wait and see situation. I simply don’t have enough information to make a decision. Being patient is reasonable since the relationship is new.

There is no commitment because we haven’t had the talk, and I believe we are only friends at the moment. I haven’t even known her a month yet, so I’ll be patient. If this is the end, it wasn’t meant to be. I am only responsible for my part. Maybe I’m not ready for dating. But I’ve never felt ready for it. Honestly the more I learn about dating, and how women work, the less interested I become. I’m still attracted to women… But getting to a successful relationship feels like a pain in the ass and not worth what is essentially a fantasy.

I don’t like dating.

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Tired of being alone, like solitude

I saw this video for the first time yesterday, and it’s been something on my mind for a while now. I’ve already spent years of my life mostly alone – Through being agoraphobic, or choosing jobs which don’t require much social interaction such as truck driving or kitchen work. I’m not agoraphobic anymore, but since I’m dating again, I wonder if accepting that I might live the rest of my life without a romantic partner is a necessary step in life. Or if that is even a bad thing at all?

My overall disappointing experience with dating means that a normal healthy relationship is a fantasy to me. You can’t miss what you don’t know. And dating is a enormous pain in the ass these days. Especially for someone like me that doesn’t like meeting new people, and keeps to himself.

I wish I didn’t have sexual needs or romantic needs. They feel like an annoyance that I put up with because I have to. I’d rather not have either of them because they detract from my quality of life.

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Social distancing

I’m completely comfortable being by myself. So much that I wonder if I even need people in my life at all. The pandemic lifestyle this year has answered that… I do need people in my life, and I look forward to having friends and family that add to my life. On the other hand, a life without other people’s bs sounds amazing.

That said, I don’t want to continue this hermit lifestyle. I guess a compromise is a life by myself with a handful of solid friendships.

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Health and work

At a basic level, humanity needs a huge amount of people to maintain modern life. At our most basic need, we need people to grow food, maintain our living spaces, keep the water potable, the air clean to breathe, people to make or distribute clothing, and people to pay us for work.

I don’t really care what I do for work as long as it doesn’t make me exhausted. As long as it pays the bills and isn’t a pain in the ass to do, that’s enough. I don’t care if people dislike me or not. In the end, all we have is ourselves.

Thanks for reading my rant. I’m tired of struggling and things not working out. I’m long past feeling sorry for myself. I’m so tired of complaining. I’m especially tired of having all my mental health problems. Not being enough as I am. I feel like this year, I’ve complained more than I ever have. Being creative has been especially difficult because life has been so limited. I’ve felt especially frustrated because my biggest problems in life have been with interacting with people in person, such as social anxiety and being on the spectrum. I’m so tired of being patient.

Maybe this will resonate with someone else, so I’ll post this anyway.

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Song of the post:

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