Tag Archives: depression

Struck by Seratonin Syndrome

I’m back, but out of work on Paid Family Medical Leave

Thank my state for being civilized with paid medical leave. An outlier in the US.

Since the second week of February, I’ve been experiencing new strange symptoms. Some went away, such as increased dry mouth, thirst, and excessive sweating while sleeping. Some symptoms did not. The concerning ones stayed.

My brief history of prescription medications

As a man long familiar with prescription medication, I am all too familiar with the risks from side effects. Prescription drugs and specialized support in preschool saved me from a seizure disorder I had as a toddler. I haven’t had a seizure since. Thankfully.

The only other time I needed medical attention was began seeing a psychiatrist for help and was prescribed Vivance, an amphetamine medication used to treat ADD. It caused me to have a heart attack in my early twenties. Worse yet, when my mother called him to tell him what happened, he coldly said: “What do you want me to do.”

After recovering with no damage to my heart and healthy results from tests on my heart, I tried again with a different psychiatrist. I discovered that I had severe chest pain or other similar heart attack-like symptoms with every other amphetamine-type medicine for ADD. In 2010, there were two nonamphetamines ADD medicine options (the exact same as the day, to my knowledge), Strattera and Guanfacine. The former didn’t help. While the latter did help, it wasn’t generic. It wasn’t covered by insurance (Typical because insurance companies play these games to make a profit over helping people. AND add insult to injury and tell you to try medications you’ve already tried before.)… Which meant it was $150 a month in 2010 dollars. I couldn’t afford it until two years later at Washington Apple Health.

After changing jobs and careers a couple times I learned first hand how screwed up insurance companies are with coverage regarding medicines. Whatever they say the cost of prescriptions is on your plan (with the exception of Washington Apple Health which is state Medicaid and covers stuff 100%) is a lie. Often they say they cover non generic, but try to fill it and they decide they don’t want to because it’s “too expensive” aka not profitable. (This is the case Even if you are paying for private insurance). Even if it’s the only medicine that works for you. The only place to get the actual price is to ask a pharmacist outside of your insurance what the out of pocket price is. No matter the insurance company or coverage, the bullshit was the same. It is confusing, deliberately made to be hard to understand your coverage, and if you have a serious accident, you go into debt. Lots of jobs tie insurance to it. Lose your job in most states and you lose coverage. If you are poor in America, you’re fucked.

Back to the future

2023. All these years later on my personal mental health journey for sanity and I’m still struggling with the same stuff as 13 years ago. That is to say, to find a medicine to treat depression that won’t kill me, or makes my life worse than before taking it. I’m glad to say that Guanfacine works to treat the ADD I have and became generic a couple of years ago, so it is affordable. My struggle with antidepressants continues.

What is Seratonin Syndrome?

“Serotonin is a chemical that the body produces naturally. It’s needed for the nerve cells and brain to function. But too much serotonin causes signs and symptoms that can range from mild (shivering and diarrhea) to severe (muscle rigidity, fever and seizures). Severe serotonin syndrome can cause death if not treated.”

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/serotonin-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354758#:~:text=Serotonin%20is%20a%20chemical%20that,cause%20death%20if%20not%20treated.

Usually, when googling symptoms online, it’s common to get a worst-case scenario for whatever health-thing you are going through.

In this case, it was true.

I started having these symptoms two weeks after my doctor suggested that increasing the dose of my antidepressant could help with depression. Since I’ve been taking this medication for months without side effects, upping the dose didn’t seem to be a risk.

We were both wrong. While I eventually returned to work on February 22nd, and worked the next day, I had to take Friday off due to a migraine. And despite work helping me out with reasonable accommodations by adding a new policy, and buying me sound-reducing earplugs, and me buying brand new sound-dampening headphones, I had another migraine sick day last week.

So, while these symptoms are diagnosed as serotonin syndrome by my doctor, the noisy environment likely didn’t help. Being autistic and having long covid each make me sensory sensitive.

Therefore, starting today I will be off work under paid medical leave until the 27th to recover. And I didn’t know until today, that I have wait 15 to 20 days to receive this pay. Which is bullshit. The process is annoying when you’re healthy—figuring it out while sick is cruel. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was due to lobbying by the insurance industry. 15 to 20 days for an online application is unacceptable.

Well, I did it and now I have to wait to complete my application. The insurance company won’t (I asked the people at the doctors office). Can’t do anything else.

At least I am able to write again. I physically couldn’t due to headaches.


Even before this happened, I wondered if continuing was worth it. I loathe the SEO process, and having to advertise to get readers and feel that I’ve lost my purpose of blogging. I do not want to do SEO for a living or social media marketing. It feels like this is the only way to get noticed. Reading about how to articles or forums feels like I’m surrounded by snake oil salesman who only care about making money over the content. I lost the few friends I made doing this for different reasons, and its going on three years of blogging. I don’t want to blog for a living.

Does anyone still care about this blog?

Burned out, Frozen In.

A zoomed in picture of my car from the Ice storm in Seattle, December 23rd, 2022. The car is a white prius. There is so much ice that there is a reflection of my car on the surface.

Frozen in.

It’s 36 degrees Fahrenheit outside today. It’s been cold and snowing all week, and last night was an ice storm.

I called out one day this week because I felt unsafe driving to work. My Prius spins out in normal conditions; I’m not going to risk driving on ice. I may need new tires. It’s probably how the car is. I drive safely and maintain it, and the mileage is about 69k.

I’m waiting on whether or not work will be open today. One more hour and the boss will give the word. That said, I’m leaning on staying home for safety because conditions haven’t changed much since 730am.

Today is a metaphor for how I’ve felt about my life outside of work. Frozen in place, surrounded by ice.

Burned out

I’m thriving at work, getting attention for working hard, and pushing myself to do things that I’ve never done at any job before, and I’m proud of myself for that. Proud but exhausted.

In the past month, I’ve: written 4 SOPS or standard operating procedures for work and writing a draft for two more. I can do this now because of my strong relationships with my department lead, boss, and ownership. There’s mutual trust and respect. This is possible because I stuck with this company when times were tough earlier in the year. This is possible. After all, I bet on myself because I chose to respond to situations differently than I had in the past. I decided not to give up.

I’m in charge of planning a Holiday Potluck Party for next month. I’m excited about that while being worried about it being a super spreader covid event 1 year after I got covid at a Pizza party I threw at work. I’m so tired of being worried about covid… This time will be different. I will do everything I can to prevent this from happening again.

Along with this, I’m making friends at work! Didn’t think it would be possible to be friends with a boss and have professional boundaries.

I’m successful. Finally! Despite this long-ass journey to find secure work, I’m successful because I’ve worked hard in therapy, despite years of struggling to find that too. All this persistence is paying off. Next month will be 1 year since I became a manager. My time was short as a manager. However, I’m content being an assistant manager.

Long-term, career-wise, I don’t want to own my own business or manage people as a life. I don’t know what I want to do, and that’s okay. I could manage a small group of people in the future like I’m doing now, but I’d prefer not to. It’s not a strength, and my social battery drains fast.

Physically I can’t be a full-time manager. I can’t because of long covid. Next month will be a year since I caught covid, and I’m just coming to terms with the fact that I might have this for the rest of my life. Maybe it will heal on its own like some who have long covid. Possibly there will be a cure. For now, I have to live with it. I am doing better compared to earlier in 2022… But it’s a daily thing to manage.

I’ve been getting by this month, getting home, watching anime, and going to bed early.

I shouldn’t be dating right now.

I’ve had some time to reflect on how I’m living and showing up outside of work, and I don’t enjoy seeing how I am.

I go to work and come home to watch an anime show, tv show, or movie I’ve watched several times before for comfort while browsing Instagram and occasionally playing with Coconut or playing video games.

I’ve let myself go, and I’m over 240 pounds… The heaviest I’ve ever weighed. It’s no wonder, considering how unhealthy I eat.

At the same time, I have to acknowledge that I am a disabled person because of Long Covid. Next month will be a year since I caught Covid. I have a chronic illness that doesn’t have a cure and might never ever have a cure. Medicines and treatments might be on the way, but I can’t control that. I am hopeful that treatments and drugs will come because I don’t want to pray for bad things to happen. Until then, I have to accept that it is my life. I’ve become a different person than I was a year ago. I haven’t come to terms with that.

I was browsing DuckDuckGo, searching various phrases, and I found this article by Dr. Nerdlove titled “How Do I Date When I Have A Disability? that I came up with as a related blog post at the end of 5 Times When You Shouldn’t Be Dating”. The original article is helpful, but it didn’t nail why I’ve felt this unique frustration that I have felt this year and the past couple of years. I should be taking a date from dating, but I didn’t know why. I can’t change if I don’t understand the problem. Knowing why helps me challenge anxious or depressing thoughts that come up. Knowing why helps me set boundaries and be mindful of when I need self-care. The article is much longer and has a bunch of helpful gems in it, but for the sake of this blog post, I feel this portion nails how I feel:

“I wonder – and you’ll have to tell me if I’m wrong about this – if part of the problem is that you’re still in the adjustment period. I mean, come on, you just had your life blown apart in a way that’s changed everything for you. Yeah, it’s been three years, but that’s less than a tenth of your life; you had thirty years of living life one way, then suddenly having to change almost everything. That’s not a lot of time to come to terms, to mourn or to build the new systems that work for you. And while I have no doubt that you’re a magnificent badass with the heart of a volcano and the passion of a thousand burning suns in your soul, even Lucifer needed time to say “well…. fuck” after hitting the ground.

So it may be worth looking inward and seeing if you’re still holding yourself to standards – the “good working order” – that are literally impossible any more. Acknowledging your disability doesn’t mean you’re “not in good working order”, it means recognizing that you have a new reality and you need to adapt to it. Being upset at how your life changed and what you’ve had to give up – at least for now – doesn’t mean you’re not fit to share your life with anyone. Acknowledging that you’re lonely and feeling isolated and wanting more doesn’t mean that you’re not fit to date, it means you’re dealing with some shit.

So maybe… be a little easier on yourself for the moment and deal with that shit. Recognize that life is different, your operating rules are different and maybe your definition of “in good working order” needs to adjust as well.

“But it’s been three years!” I hear you cry. “Treatment and therapy hasn’t helped.”

OK… but are you sure that the therapy you’ve been getting is what you need? Is it possible that maybe you don’t have the right therapist? Or, hear me out: is it possible that you’re trying to fit into an able-bodied framework when you simply aren’t abled anymore?”

https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-do-i-date-when-i-have-a-disability/

I’m burned out from dating and need a break. I will feel much safer after winter, and I don’t have to worry about catching covid again.

Yay, I managed to grind out a post…


The Fog

Fog on a highway road.

The Fog

Thoughts, disorganized.

Energy: Low.

Waiting to be tested at the doctors to see what’s wrong.

Not that there is a cure.

Prognosis for future: bleak.

That was true before Long Covid.

Irregular sleep.

No dreams.

Past trauma replaying on loop in mind.

Is therapy helping?

A little bit.

The fog will clear.

One day, life will be sunny again.


August Burnout

Image of a recently burned tree, exposing its vascular tissue.


https://www.instagram.com/p/CaDeLdsh9PT/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=
Source, how I have felt lately. Image of a recently burned tree, exposing its vascular tissue. Maybe this is why I’ve been eating so much pasta in recent days.

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called life -Prince

It’s no wonder I’ve been burned out… It seems to be something I’ve experienced around August for the past three years. See these posts:

Man getting shot by hundreds of arrows at once

The above gif and prince song are a metaphor for my life this month. The arrows are emotional.

I’m covered in arrows, in pain, from multiple sources.

My brother has had a severe back injury that he can’t get treated for due to legal complications. A double trigger due to dad dying almost 20 years ago in a car accident… Which resulted in a lawsuit against our family. This wasn’t my brother’s fault, thankfully. It’s tough to see him suffering. On top of that, he caught covid. He recovered, but it was a tough couple of weeks there.

My mother is recovering from an accident at work which resulted in her going to the ER to get stitches. She’s doing better now but still healing from bruises. That was tough to see her hurt. Especially since she’s getting older, she’s still a go-getter.

Naturally I’ve been worried about both of them.

Current Mood...

I just want to sleep and do nothing.

The quest for inner peace, to heal

I have been exhausted this month. Between my family being injured, the heat, being isolated, and grief. I think I’m finally in the last stages of healing from my past major breakups.

Me lately in this heatwave.

I’m not sure if I still have long covid, or all this mental and physical fatigue is from recent events or depression.

It’s a great thing that I’m in therapy again. It will be better going forward because I’m on viibryd, an antidepressant again.

I’ve had trouble writing so I’m going to do something different here and express myself in pictures since my head hurts trying to think.

Various mental health pictures that describe me lately…

Repeatedly obsessing over previous failures, childhood mistakes, and past arguments is a sign that you seek moral perfection, i.e. a clean slate. This unrealistic goal causes panic and guilt when you think you are in the wrong and masking your nature through fear of rejection. @autisticblackgirl
I see a lot of chatter about people learing about themselves from the Internet, and people don't realize the privilege of growing up in a place where your experience is the norm. 

Some of us experienced being our full selves online before we could translate that in real life. - Twitter
Word of the day is 'latibulate' (17th century): to hide in a corner in an attempt to escape reality.
When you're on sensory overload and someone tried to interact with you: Stop...
Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place. -Pinterest.
Sometimes walls are there so we can lean on them and rest.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/59/91/92/599192e2bfc9ed881ff550a6e2a6e4de.jpg

I hope that soon I will not feel awful and be able to write longer posts. Sometimes your health comes first, and when you have a chronic illness such as Long covid, and unpredictable migraines, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself.

Here is a post that doesn’t have many views, but is one I treasure. It’s about my late cat Flip, who was a dear kitty that was part of my life for 18 years.


Tell me how you feel about this post in the comments. Can you relate to these images? Have you experienced these feelings below? Let me know!

I have a post scheduled for tomorrow that I’m really proud of and excited to share. Please be sure to subscribe below to not miss it!

Moving Mountains

Mountain reflected on a lake at night, when the stars are out
Source

I’m seeking a new mountain to climb.

I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/existential-blog-crisis/

TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.

The problem now…

I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?

Am I really mature enough?

Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.

I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.

Am I ready for a different life?

Woman saying: I'm sorry, I'm not ready to do that.

I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.

I’m not happy with my life.

I’m tired of “just existing.”

I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.

The state of the world has worn me out.

Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.

I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.

Read the article below and had an epiphany.

I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.

No wonder I’m going crazy.

I’m both of the following:

The Love Addict
If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.

So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.

From above article

“The Love Avoidant
If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.

An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that

Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs
Intimacy is smothering, and
I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much
You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.

Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.

Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”

Same article
Chris Farley saying "good, great."

I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)

Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!

Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️

Is my purpose for suffering?

Maybe I am a monster.

I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.

I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.

I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?

What have I done?

I hope it’s not too late.

😦

I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains

“I change myself, I change the world.”

Gloria Anzaldua Source

Have I really changed for the better?

Why do I keep fucking up?

I’m the problem.

Nobody is going to save me.

Nobody is going to stop me.

I’m on my own.

Are there pebbles I can move to get rid of this mountain range?

I don’t deserve better because I haven’t achieved better in life. All anyone is, is this current moment. Right now.

Will you keep making excuses, or will you do something about yourself, your life Reilly?

Be a man and move some pebbles. Or languish underneath them while the stones pile on.

What’s wrong with me?

Gordon Ramsey saying: Get your shit together

Who are you going to be?

I hope this post isn’t a mistake…

Great. I’m depressed. 🙃😥 Sigh.


I feel like quitting blogging

Grim, huh? But the Truth.

This has been something bothering me for a long time. But after reading this post by Renard’s World (and a few related linked posts at the end)…

It’s clear that I don’t love blogging. I do love interacting with fellow bloggers in the comments, but that’s about it. I guess I started the blog as a way to express myself and connect with others in the world, and to find out if I was any good at this. I was hoping to finally be good at something. I’ve kinda achieved those.

I don’t know why I do this, or why anyone would want to read this blog.

I don’t see what benefit improving anything would change.

If I’m being honest, I don’t love myself. I’m burned out on life. Having multiple mental illnesses doesn’t help. Not being able to trust others doesn’t help. I just kinda exist for the sake of it. So, I guess I need a bunch of further time in therapy to change myself. Having regular therapy helped me last year in being consistent.

I don’t know what I want from life. I wish that “nothing” was an acceptable answer. All I know is that blogging isn’t fulfilling or helpful to me for now.

EDIT: This was a bit rash, and too much. I’m going to take a three week break instead of indefinite.

You can always reach me by email or in the comments. The blog email is in the “Contact” page. Thank you for reading.

Time to Return to Therapy

I’ve hit a wall with blogging

Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had many things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog? Why write? Or the most significant obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?

I know there are answers out there and people who’ve been here before.

More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.

I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.

I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.


I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)

I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. I am being hurt again or hurting another person because of my actions.

Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.

I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.

I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.

I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposure at two different jobs.


I need to return to therapy

Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend.

Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.

Therapy work list:

  • Trust issues
  • Social anxiety
  • Pandemic PTSD
  • Help with healthy friendships
  • Life coaching
  • Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
  • And many other issues.

I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.


Man… When will I be fixed?

Thanks for reading!

Inflection Point

Dream catcher

When was it that I gave up on dreams?

When was it when I lost hope in the future and being optimistic? My meds do help… To a point. Therapy helps… To a point.

When was it that I gave up on the world. Or more importantly, myself? There’s only so much one person can do for that.

Maybe all this insecurity has ignited because of this solitary pandemic lifestyle. Lately I’m not so sure. I feel like this current lifestyle isn’t that different from before covid-19.

I don’t believe in myself… When did this happen?

I don’t have any dreams anymore. For a long time, my only goal was to become mentally healthy. It’s hard to tell if I’ve improved since last March.

These days, I wish I didn’t have to wake up. I wish I could sleep all day. Sleep feels great, and I look forward to dreams, though I haven’t had many over the past year I can recall. Sleeping is awesome. Especially when it’s REM sleep, and you wake up refreshed.

Goals feel pointless. It feels like a never ending hamster wheel.

I feel like I’m procrastinating until the pandemic is over. I’m at the point where I don’t enjoy things. Depression or pandemic fatigue? I can’t tell. Probably a little from column a and column b. Once again I’m wasting precious time. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve reverted back to being a NEET /hikikomori once more, and that worries me. I do like watching anime, but I also feel ashamed because I spent years of my life doing this activity to pass the time. I feel I should be using this time to do something productive.

Im at a point in therapy where I’ve hit a wall, and don’t feel motivated. I don’t know if these changes are actually worth it. I’m unsure because I’m confused at what I want from life.

Im at a point in looking for work that I have to consider: “Would I risk getting covid and possibly dying for this job?”

All I want is a job with the same schedule, no overtime, no weekends or holidays, and I’m not exhausted from work after. Decent health insurance would be nice too.

Maybe all this is the monkey brain gone wild.


On the other hand…

I’m so lucky to have unemployment income. I’m lucky that I live in wa state, and qualify for amazing healthcare due to my income. I’m lucky that I don’t have to work . I don’t have to risk my life because I need to pay bills.

When will I not be crazy, and be enough?

I’m not sure I understand life… I sure am tired of feeling frustrated.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

I feel like shit today.

Picture of a tree on a horizon with a purple and magenta sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A shit-storm of pain

I feel like shit today… I’m heartbroken since I was dumped. That relationship didn’t last 2 months, but I felt we connected. The bottom line is that we were incompatible. I don’t have my shit together. I’m unemployed again, live with my Mother as an adult, have no idea what to do with my life, and I feel like a barely functional human being. Heartbroken, laid off, depressed, hopeless. With this heartbreak, I feel like I’m reliving all of my previous mistakes in life alone with it. Great. I feel absolutely useless and worthless.

Song of the post: Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good

I feel like all I can do to cope is to wallow in my despair by binge-streaming the anime Naruto (like the 5th time I’ve watched from the start) and Futurama for the two dozenth time.

Of course, I can’t do any of the usual suggested things such as hanging out with friends or family, meeting people, or doing activities because of Covid. Getting serious, deja vu, writing that. Online socializing and activities aren’t the same.

I forgot that I had Facebook dating on and had a notification for a match. I feel bad because I liked it back, but a day later, I feel guilty. That lady seems like a lovely person and is attractive, but I can’t. I’m nowhere close to being ready to date again. The thought of it made my heartbreak worse, and I felt nauseous. I couldn’t turn on the pause option quick enough. I barely feel emotionally available for myself right now.

I’m so unhappy with my life. I tell myself, “I’m enough,” but it feels hollow. It doesn’t feel like enough to simply be alive as an adult.

Today, all I feel I can do is exist.


Post-election recovery, day 3.

I have grief and shit to work through because of the previous president. Omg, it’s such a relief to have a competent government. I can finally relax because the election has passed and Joe Biden/Kamala Harris is in charge, actually working. The problems are still there; they have to rebuild entire agencies from scratch, but they’re doing it. Fucking A, I’ve been holding onto this stress since October 2020. I think, realistically, the first 100 days will be recovery for America. I simply haven’t had the energy to celebrate this welcome change. This shit has been exhausting.


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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Burnout 2021

Cloudy forest road.

I am spent. Totally wiped out. Numb. Again. It’s merely Sunday in the pandemic.

None of the usual stuff is giving joy.

I’m tired of suffering. Tired of being depressed. Tired of the pandemic. The loneliness is killing me.

It’s frustrating living with mom. 1 year of a pandemic is enough. I desperately need to move out. We are just too different people to be living together. But, I can’t move out to an apartment because I don’t have a job or steady income.

It feels like I’m not suited for the work available right now. I can’t do variable schedule, customer service, or fast paced work because of my autism needs. I don’t like using this as a crutch.

Tired of daily, new PTSD from reading the news. Enough with the historical events.

That isn’t to say that Trump or his enabler Republicans shouldn’t be held accountable. They do. Treason/Sedition must be brought to justice. Our democracy and country is more important than any individual or political party.

Can’t even get a breath of fresh air by going outside or into the world. Shielded for safety behind a facemask. Going grocery shopping gave me a mild anxiety attack in the store. It’s like everyone doesn’t care that over 400,000 + have died from covid. Barely any distancing, business as usual at Safeway.

I’m not sure which is more dangerous right now: never leaving the house and being isolated, or getting covid. Therapy, medication, and self care only help so much in this difficult world. Yet, the worst of the pandemic is yet to come.

I need to get a car, so I have some agency. So I can get out of this area any day of the week. But then I’d have to choose between savings or a car. And unemployment is almost done.

I’m tired of this prison I’m in. I committed no crime, yet I feel punished for doing the right thing and staying home. I want to see friends. I want a life. I’m tired of no job = no life.

Heartbroken.

I feel like I’m about to fall apart and shatter. Damnit.


Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!



Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

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