Category Archives: breakup

Close, but no Cigar

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Shadowed Man standing in turquoise waves staring at a setting sun in a tropical place.

Close, but no cigar.

“cliché A phrase said when one is almost correct or successful but ultimately fails. Cigars were once commonly used as prizes or awards”

Source

A Facebook Dating heartbreak.

I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.

In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…

But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.

Text: I broke my own heart loving you.

Relationship goals

My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)

It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.

I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.

This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.

Next time I’ll know.

The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.

I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.

If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.

Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.

I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.

I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.

Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.

Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.

Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.

I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.

I’m tired of online dating.

My healing journey isn’t over.

My dating journey isn’t over.

I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.

It’s time to start again.

I feel like shit today.

It sucks when things don’t work out. 😰

Ugh.

Song of the post: Summertime by Orville Peck.

Lessons from my first girlfriend at 34. (2022 Remaster)

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Picture of a half broken, half shattered windows of glass in an RV.

First romantic relationship at age 34..

Warning: complaining/venting.

She probably views me as a scrub. Scrub from the TLC song of the same name. No job, unemployed, relationship novice, doesn’t have shit together, Smokes pot.

For those blog readers reading this post for the first time, because I linked it in a post from November 2022, this post is from January 30th, 2021. It is a reflection of the person I was at that time. The good, the bad, the cringe, the hurt, the past version of me. Remastered, edited, tweaked for SEO.

Without ado, here is the remastered 2022 version of: First romantic relationship at age 34..

No scrubs by TLC

The truth is we were incompatible. She wanted something completely different from me. She wanted me to buy stuff, and I wasn’t comfortable with that. I do not wish for a text-only relationship. I don’t want a long-distance relationship.

She was an ambitious, driven businesswoman from Hong Kong who wanted to travel and be rich. Retire early. A day trader who trades gold stocks. A literal fucking Gold digger.

(11/06/2022 edit: I originally had Gold Digger by Kanye West. While he was controversial then, since then I can not ethically support him in any way, so I’m changing the song in this post to Respect by Aretha Franklin. In an ironic twist, Kanye has become an Attention Digger)

Respect by Aretha Franklin

Maybe it went too hot, too fast.

I gave into the fantasy of the relationship. I was desperate to finally have a girlfriend. And it was happening. It was too good to be true.

Relationships don't end because two people did something wrong to each other- They end because two people are something wrong for each other. Mark Manson
Credit: Mark Manson.

Too good too be true

Once again, I saw what I wanted to see. I overlooked problems because I wanted to have a girlfriend no matter what. She was my first girlfriend ever, at age 34. I bought into the fantasy because I’ve been so deprived of romance. Which is ultimately my fault. I fucked up in so many ways.

I felt I was ready to date back in November. After this breakup, I’m not sure I actually was. Or am. I’m so tired of never feeling good enough to date. I feel like I have to be perfect to date anyone. At the same time, I don’t want to do all the required work. Dating and relationships work. All I’ve known is pain. I don’t see the benefit of dating. I don’t want to constantly improve. I don’t want to settle, either. I feel that means that I’ll never be enough as I am.

Dating hasn’t been fun. Since men have to do all the work to obtain a relationship, Men in western cultures generally have to take the lead in relationships. Sometimes it’s a lonely and draining experience when you have to do more work. My dating life is over. (CRINGE) I wish that I would be at peace with never dating again. I’m okay being single… But for the rest of my life? Not until I at least have one good long-term romance. Then I could say I tried and gave up. I’m not entitled to a relationship. I don’t feel it’s worth the time, energy, money, or effort. I don’t feel life is worth the time, energy, money, or action. I never wanted to date, to begin with. It feels like an unpaid internship where you’re constantly led on by the promise of more like a carrot on a stick. But that job offer never happens.

I feel this is impossible because of my mental illness. I resent my sexual and romantic needs. It feels like a curse. Life would be so much easier without them. The worst part of all this is that my insecurities were again correct.

I just want to be. Then again, I’m pretty stupid with this stuff.

All I know is I deserve better than that relationship. I learned that I’m not afraid of commitment; I’m so scared of wasting my time. Once again…

What is love? by Haddaway.

Thank you for reading this; if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!


Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

I feel like shit today.

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Picture of a tree on a horizon with a purple and magenta sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A shit-storm of pain

I feel like shit today… I’m heartbroken since I was dumped. That relationship didn’t last 2 months, but I felt we connected. The bottom line is that we were incompatible. I don’t have my shit together. I’m unemployed again, live with my Mother as an adult, have no idea what to do with my life, and I feel like a barely functional human being. Heartbroken, laid off, depressed, hopeless. With this heartbreak, I feel like I’m reliving all of my previous mistakes in life alone with it. Great. I feel absolutely useless and worthless.

Song of the post: Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good

I feel like all I can do to cope is to wallow in my despair by binge-streaming the anime Naruto (like the 5th time I’ve watched from the start) and Futurama for the two dozenth time.

Of course, I can’t do any of the usual suggested things such as hanging out with friends or family, meeting people, or doing activities because of Covid. Getting serious, deja vu, writing that. Online socializing and activities aren’t the same.

I forgot that I had Facebook dating on and had a notification for a match. I feel bad because I liked it back, but a day later, I feel guilty. That lady seems like a lovely person and is attractive, but I can’t. I’m nowhere close to being ready to date again. The thought of it made my heartbreak worse, and I felt nauseous. I couldn’t turn on the pause option quick enough. I barely feel emotionally available for myself right now.

I’m so unhappy with my life. I tell myself, “I’m enough,” but it feels hollow. It doesn’t feel like enough to simply be alive as an adult.

Today, all I feel I can do is exist.

Post-election recovery, day 3.

I have grief and shit to work through because of the previous president. Omg, it’s such a relief to have a competent government. I can finally relax because the election has passed and Joe Biden/Kamala Harris is in charge, actually working. The problems are still there; they have to rebuild entire agencies from scratch, but they’re doing it. Fucking A, I’ve been holding onto this stress since October 2020. I think, realistically, the first 100 days will be recovery for America. I simply haven’t had the energy to celebrate this welcome change. This shit has been exhausting.

Thank you for reading this; if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share it on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Single and Unemployed on the same day

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Throwing a paper plane to the moon, wishing for a better life
Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

Unemployed

Oh man, I didn’t want to go to work today. Didn’t get enough sleep, felt hungover, and all I could manage to eat my usual morning almond milk-coffee, and a mason jar of water. I feel like I could have used another 3 hours of sleep all day.

Despite feeling off today, work was great. It was smooth as hell, and the full canning run went great. Only 2 cases were off from 4 massive pallets. I sprained my left wrist, but it’s no big deal. Should heal in a few days. This was likely my last day working at Cleen Craft, but who knows. Maybe misc on call warehouse work in the future. Maybe the last time I’ll see my coworker again. He was a cool dude, hard worker, and an effective trainer. By the end of the day, I was tired and sore but felt satisfied. It didn’t feel like the end, more a semicolon than a period. This hasn’t hit me until right now, as I write this three hours later, comfortable in typing this at my desktop pc.

Single

About a day later, I can say I felt like coming. Contact wasn’t happening as much as it was even a week earlier. I thought she was just busy with work. There were other problems, but I don’t have the clarity of mind to talk about it today. We had a curt chat since yesterday was supposedly her birthday. I offered her well wishes, and she responded with 1 word answers. Which was a huge flag there. She wasn’t much of a talker before this, so I knew something was up. As I got home, and was about to take a shower, she sent me a text with this message:

I think we should break up.

I said: Why? No response. Sent: “I’m either all in or all out. What’s your thoughts on why we should end it?”

I took a shower and came back to my phone, waiting for a response. Nothing to anything I sent after 26 minutes. I wasn’t going to wait around for someone who started a a serious conversation over text to break up, then stonewall. Fuck that bullshit. 26 minutes is enough time to answer why it should end. Or say ANYTHING in response. That is disrespectful. I don’t play these games. Pfft. Don’t give me that.

First of all, its cowardly and immature to say “we should break up”. No this means that the person who says this wants to break up. No discussion before of problems she had. Honestly looking back, she was shady and I felt not as honest I was in this relationship. The state of the relationship made me uncomfortable and insecure. I felt she was constantly pressing my boundaries, and trying to change me into something I’m not, despite me saying I didn’t want to do x or y. Many times it felt like pulling teeth trying to get to know her. As time went on, the situation felt fishy, and something felt off.

It sucks, but I think I dodged a bullet. I feel like this a day later…

Like a Rolling Stone:

Well, some relationships are practice for the real thing. Honestly that shitty ending is making it easier to move on, but we will see. Grief has it’s own clock.

Maybe it wasn’t the right time for me to date yet. I need to figure out what to do for work, and a long term career. Well, I learned a bunch of important lessons in this short relationship. No text only relationships. I learned that my boundaries are much stronger than I’ve assumed, and that I can handle myself. Trust your gut. Love is not enough. You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. (Well, I’ve known that last bit for years. It was important to have it reinforced.) If it feels too good to be true, it likely is. Nobody is worth your own peace of mind.

At the least, all my effort the past year to learn about relationships has paid off. I recommend anyone that wants to learn more about modern dating to watch this youtube channel, hosted by dating coach Susan Winter:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8Jb8Z7yJS9mXqF37Dcm2HQ

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

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