I feel like shit today.

Picture of a tree on a horizon with a purple and magenta sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A shit-storm of pain

I feel like shit today… I’m heartbroken since I was dumped. That relationship didn’t last 2 months, but I felt we connected. The bottom line is that we were incompatible. I don’t have my shit together. I’m unemployed again, live with my Mother as an adult, have no idea what to do with my life, and I feel like a barely functional human being. Heartbroken, laid off, depressed, hopeless. With this heartbreak, I feel like I’m reliving all of my previous mistakes in life alone with it. Great. I feel absolutely useless and worthless.

Song of the post: Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good

I feel like all I can do to cope is to wallow in my despair by binge-streaming the anime Naruto (like the 5th time I’ve watched from the start) and Futurama for the two dozenth time.

Of course, I can’t do any of the usual suggested things such as hanging out with friends or family, meeting people, or doing activities because of Covid. Getting serious, deja vu, writing that. Online socializing and activities aren’t the same.

I forgot that I had Facebook dating on and had a notification for a match. I feel bad because I liked it back, but a day later, I feel guilty. That lady seems like a lovely person and is attractive, but I can’t. I’m nowhere close to being ready to date again. The thought of it made my heartbreak worse, and I felt nauseous. I couldn’t turn on the pause option quick enough. I barely feel emotionally available for myself right now.

I’m so unhappy with my life. I tell myself, “I’m enough,” but it feels hollow. It doesn’t feel like enough to simply be alive as an adult.

Today, all I feel I can do is exist.

Post-election recovery, day 3.

I have grief and shit to work through because of the previous president. Omg, it’s such a relief to have a competent government. I can finally relax because the election has passed and Joe Biden/Kamala Harris is in charge, actually working. The problems are still there; they have to rebuild entire agencies from scratch, but they’re doing it. Fucking A, I’ve been holding onto this stress since October 2020. I think, realistically, the first 100 days will be recovery for America. I simply haven’t had the energy to celebrate this welcome change. This shit has been exhausting.

Thank you for reading this; if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share it on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.


  • I am sorry you have been feeling shitty 😦
    Here’s hoping the feeling goes away and that you can somehow see the sun through the clouds soon!
    It’s important for us to allow ourselves to feel though – so keep feeling.
    Something I do… and many people laugh at me, and some find it doesn’t work for them…. is to counteract those feelings with words. So when I feel worthless? Well, that day, I keep saying out loud that I HAVE worth. Initially it sounds hollow and I don’t feel any different. But after hearing it twenty times, there seems to be a slight shift for me.
    Because here’s the thing : I am not where I want to be in life either. Some of my circumstances are also ‘depressing’, and I wish things were different. I often feel all those things you described.
    But I am hopeful that each new day will have an opportunity for things to change. And who knows where I’ll be in 5 years 😉 I HOPE it will be different ❤
    Thinking of you. You HAVE got this… just keep being unapologetically you! Your honesty is refreshing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so touched, that I feel like crying. I’m blown away by your kindness! “So shines a good deed in a weary world.” Thank you so much!

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are very welcome. I meant every word! ❤
        Someone sent me something this morning and I'd like to share it with you : ''An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with seemingly endless difficulties, just keep imagining that it's going to be launching you into something great!''
        Hope, my friend! Keep hoping! Thinking of you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  • Even though you are going through tough times, I can assure you things will get better. I’m sorry you are going through all of this. I too am unemployed. (thanks coronavirus) but I’m trying to focus on the positives. Chin up! 🙂

    B | http://www.mindbeautysimplicity.wordpress.com
    Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mind.beauty.simplicityblog/
    Twitter: https://twitter.com/mindbeautysimp1

    Liked by 1 person

  • Being unemployed and living at home with your mom does NOT make you worthless. The trick is not to dwell on the past or blame yourself. It’s normal to feel like shit after being dumped but it’s not good to let it take over your life and define your happiness 🙌

    Relationships are tricky and it might take a few tries before finding the right person. It’s frustrating, I know, but I do believe that the right person is out there for you. That being said, it’s very hard to attract the right person into your life if you feel like shit. In order to love someone, you gotta accept yourself first, flaws and all…. because how is another human being supposed to love/accept you if you don’t even like you? Happiness is internal and lies within…. you just gotta find it 🌺

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m worried about those things because it’s been a problem for a couple years now. The catch-22 of: don’t have stable mental health cause I can’t find the right therapist, have trouble working because of that, and I can’t be independent. Thanks for reminding me that I need to be self compassionate. It’s been a tough year.

      Depression is tough. I thought I was ready this time, but it seems that I’ve got more to work on through therapy.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

      • It doesn’t have to stay a problem forever…. I was diagnosed with major depression back in winter 2012 and again in Spring 2019, and depression f***ing sucks (pardon my language). Depression never really goes away though, and conditions are never going to be perfect. Never have I thought, “wow! my life is perfect!” because life is not sunshine and rainbows. It’s the ones who persevere despite setbacks and shitty circumstances, and the ones who ride out these waves that win. That is how I view life now but it took a while for me to believe it 🤭

        Personally, I don’t find therapists all that helpful except for cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT). However, my therapy sessions got cut short due to the pandemic. I recommend looking into cognitive-behavioural therapy and giving that a try. Also, I ended up getting a cat. If you don’t have a pet, I highly recommend getting one. They don’t judge and make the best companions ❤

        Yes, self-love and compassion is SO important especially when you are feeling at your lowest. Don’t let your mind play tricks on you – the mind is incredible at keeping us miserable if we let it. I hope things get better for you and that you are able to find happiness again!😊💕

        Liked by 1 person

      • As I understand the depression I have, like half is stuff I have some control over, and half is brain chemistry. I believe I still have some trauma to work through. Which has become worse over time since I needed treatment. A big part of that was trying a dozen different anti depressants until I found the one I’m on now that works. Now I’ve been at the stage where I need to unlearn and correct all the unhealthy habits I learned along the way.

        I do CBT with my therapist, and some other methods. It’s been a strange relationship over Zoom as I haven’t met her in person yet. Therapy groups have helped too. I’ve been a life long cat person, and got a new kitten last year. She’s been amazing. I love my other cat, but she is so reserved and introverted. Coco, my new kitty is the opposite of my other cat, extroverted, energetic, super lovey. She has become a guest in groups and therapy sessions. Getting a new kitten last year has been helpful to get through 2020 because the world is new to her, and she accepts it as it is and has that hopeful look in her eyes only a young animal does.

        One thing I’ve learned about depression, is that it lies to you. When I’m at my lowest, it’s usually because of something. This time, it’s no wonder with all the loss, heartbreak, grief, and the difficult pandemic world we’re all in. Nothing like recovery during the apocalypse. Thanks so much for these lovely comments!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s