Category Archives: Rambling

Close, but no Cigar

Posted on by 5 comments
Shadowed Man standing in turquoise waves staring at a setting sun in a tropical place.

Close, but no cigar.

“cliché A phrase said when one is almost correct or successful but ultimately fails. Cigars were once commonly used as prizes or awards”

Source

A Facebook Dating heartbreak.

I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.

In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…

But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.

Text: I broke my own heart loving you.

Relationship goals

My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)

It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.

I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.

This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.

Next time I’ll know.

The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.

I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.

If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.

Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.

I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.

I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.

Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.

Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.

Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.

I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.

I’m tired of online dating.

My healing journey isn’t over.

My dating journey isn’t over.

I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.

It’s time to start again.

I feel like shit today.

It sucks when things don’t work out. 😰

Ugh.

Song of the post: Summertime by Orville Peck.

A Unique Opportunity

Posted on by 14 comments
Me for years. 🙃

You miss all the shots you don’t take.

Hockey legend Wayne Gretzky once said: ” You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

I am so guilty of this, that it’s like a served a term in a jail of my own making. For many years I was stuck in life and mired in depression. While a large portion of this suffering was due to traumatic things happening to me, processing my own issues, and the pains everyone goes through in finding one self, there was a part that I could do something about. That I can take action about every day.

For a long time, I was that person who lived by the mantra: “As soon as I have/am _____, I’ll be worthy. I’ll be enough because I have: a well paying job, live on my own, or am healthy with no mental health issues or problems.

Yes, being independent and self sufficient with the ability to take care of yourself are needs everyone has. You work on those every minute, hour, and day.

That doesn’t mean you are enough as you are right now. Every person on earth has worth. The point being that I made the choice over and over again for years that I wasn’t enough to take a shot on something because I felt unworthy. Insecure. Not mature enough.

Even when life put the goal right there in front of me and asked: what are you going to do?

Too many times I avoided it.

This missing out on potential friends, activities I might have enjoyed, connection with existing relationships, standing up for myself, saying what I want and need, and missing out on so many romantic opportunities. Rarely, I’d make a shot, but it’d be a partial success, or the puck would bounce off the boundary. Each time I felt like a failure and gave up. I was already in a low place, and didn’t get understand that you have to fail. Failure is part of life and part of success, however you define success for yourself, your life.

All because I didn’t feel like enough. That I wasn’t good enough because I work an entry level job. I wasn’t worthy of women because I have mental health problems. Because I haven’t moved out and live with my parent.

I avoided even when all flags were green and the goal was wide open, assuring success. Or that I would have made the goal if I believed in myself that I’d make it, despite a life defending the goal. I’m enough right now. People will like and appreciate me as I am. And I can work on myself too.

That time has gone and passed. I can’t go back and change things. Each a lesson. Which I had to experience multiple times because I was in denial and life kept throwing these situations at me because it was necessary.

So, I said: Fuck it.

I’d much rather fail, and fall on my face than regretting not trying.

I’m going to have my issues, and working on myself for the rest of life. I’m not perfect, and this is who I am, where I’m at in life.

The pandemic really cemented my “Fuck it” attitude. Half the US decided not to wear a mask or get vaccinated because they don’t care about others, no matter the consequences. This same group attempted a coup because their feelings were hurt and they’re sore losers because Trump lost the 2020 election for president of the United States. I’m so tired of Trump supporters. It feels like Trump and his anti-democracy cronies are getting away with the Jan 6th coup.

The one upside to this madness, is that it’s given me clarity on who I am as a person and the values I put into practice in life.

It feels like every week, the United States is on a downward spiral as important problems are left unaddressed, or stonewalled in Congress. Rights such as the choice to abortion, taken away. Where is the hope of positive change forward for all, America?

I feel helpless, horrified as the world goes to a dark future. Signing petitions, and sending emails to my senators hasn’t helped. What can they do when every republican senator refuses to compromise at all? When Joe Manchin of West Virginia, and Kristen Cinema of Arizona play games, are misleading with their views. Come on Biden, get it done…

Can’t do anything else, so… Fuck it!

I’ve set my focus to what I can control. Use my time on changing the world for the better.

Therefore, when I saw an article in my local paper asking for content about mental health, to contribute to their series of articles about it, I jumped at the opportunity.

One idea immediately came to mind. The lack of diagnostic tools for adult autism. When I was first diagnosed on the spectrum in April 2020, right before my birthday and at the beginning of the pandemic, my therapist used a questionnaire designed for kids potentially with autism. And to my knowledge, nothing has changed. There are mental health questionnaires for people if all ages for depression, anxiety, and ADHD, but not autism.

I wrote an email to the designated email by my local newspaper, figuring that even if nothing happens, I have it a shot. I tried at speaking up for others like I did, struggling to know why. Because it was a clear problem that could be solved with some light shed in it.

I sent the email and…

My story pitch was ACCEPTED! Holy shit. I didn’t expect this to happen, so I’ve been shocked! I haven’t gotten the go ahead, or asked what would be acceptable to post publicly on a blog regarding the article, but it’s really happening! I’ve had a couple email threads with the reporter in charge of this article series, and she’s liked what I’ve sent so far! Which is an overview of what I plan to write about, my experience with autism and the mental health system, and an article outline. I have my first draft due on Sunday. I haven’t written any new content for that in 10 days. As Sunday approaches, I’ve become more anxious. Anxious and stressed because I get to write this, the two blog boosts I get to do, and be the man(ager) in charge today and tomorrow at work since my fellow leads are out of town.

All this happening because I made it happen. Dude… Yes. Keep moving forward.

Cover photo credit to my brother! He took this awesome lunar picture with our mutual friends telescope!

Side note, post script: I really need to improve the layout and presentation of the blog. I viewed the home page, and it needs work. I don’t feel it’s the best it could be. I need to learn why, and how to make the most of it.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please comment below or subscribe!

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022 ®

Year 2 of blogging

Posted on by 9 comments

It’s been two years since I started blogging!

My social life is mostly online… And that’s not enough anymore.

I certainly didn’t plan on this, on my social life being this way. Last Thursday, I went to see long time friends and neighbors perform live at a local bar. It’s the first time that I’ve left the house to go to a public place during a busy time in almost a year. It was amazing.

The Marshall family band is classic folk-country and played it before it was cool, and still are master musicians, and still getting better. Nostalgic, comforting, sad, beautiful. They’ve been the soundtrack to my past. A past now bittersweet, and a different life. (If you like, check out their music in the link below)

https://marshallfamilyband.bandcamp.com/

I’ve left to visit family, and my buddy C a couple times, but not in months. Between the fear of catching covid, work becoming my main focus, then getting covid, it’s been a solitary life.

Back in the before times… Before the pandemic, in 2019 (wow that feels so long ago), I was in the process of rebuilding my social life from scratch.

From scratch with friends. Love my family, but everyone needs friends. For a long time, I’ve been like a hermit. Mostly because I was in survival mode. It’s been lonely, as much as I enjoy solitude. Family visits help, but they’re only so often.

I’m online way too much. As much as a boon the pandemic was for personal healing, my social life has been paused. Everyone’s has. If it wasn’t for the social media dominant life due to the pandemic, I wouldn’t have appreciated or noticed how many people that care and like me as I am in my life. Several chapters with people ended. Deaths, and an awful break-up that where I was an asshole. My mistakes, my choices resolved in the worst possible way.

I’m not quite there yet. I still feel weary of public places with lots of people. Or places with close quarters such as grocery stores. Not that I can right now. I’m slowly healing from long covid. I’m excited to go into the world. Yet at the same time being mindful of my physical condition.

Soon.

Unfinished business I want to resolve

Dear neighbors: I’m sorry for the pot clouds I make smoking weed. This is my choice, and I never intended for it to affect others. I didn’t realize it’s been so bad, so long. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been selfish and didn’t take this into account. I honestly thought the smoke blew east due to how the wind whips around the backyard. This must be really annoying, and I hope that it hasn’t caused any problems. Thank you for being so patient and considerate.

To the neighbor and ex friend who I ghosted, and haunted two years ago: I’m sorry. I feel like I didn’t clearly say this back then. I feel like I left things ambiguous and that’s not fair. I misconstrued your words, and posted parts of it online. I promised to make amends, and broke that promise. I don’t expect us to ever make up, or for things to change. I don’t expect forgiveness. I wish that I could go back and change my behavior. What I did was unacceptable. I was an asshole. I’m not sure if you read those blog posts that are now private or deleted. Even if you never did or never will, and that’s understandable… If there’s anything I missed, I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry.

This whole situation was a wake up call, and I have worked to improve myself. I haven’t done those things since, and won’t ever again. I will continue to respect your privacy and boundaries, and leave you alone.

I don’t feel like I’ve been a good friend for a couple years.

Once again, that’s on me. I’ve been distant, a flaky communicator, and not put enough effort to making friendships work. Not being emotionally available is a large factor. I wasn’t, but am now because I worked on it. You gotta make social events happen as an adult. Now that I have a consistent work schedule, and there isn’t the incipient threat of the plague, socializing can resume. It still feels weird, even though covid isn’t completely gone, and will be a part of life. That’s life. It goes on, and you learn to cope and grow as you’re in it.

I don’t want to dwell on the past. Ruminating has been a problem I have at times and it’s something I work on with anxiety.

Despite everything, life is alright. Good at times. All of this is because I’ve grown, and value self improvement.

The best thing I can do is to learn, and let go. If I don’t let go, I’ll miss out on the present moment.

Whoops!

Posted on by 10 comments
This was the only result for "Whoops" in the pexel free photo feature in WordPress. Bird unrelated to post.
This was the only result for “Whoops” in the pexel free photo feature in WordPress. Bird unrelated to post.

I didn’t realize it’s been 11 days since the last post!

My bad! I didn’t intend for this to happen! Sorry!

Life is moving along, and I feel comfortable in this new life. Been in a loop of work, play, sleep, and visiting with cats… Repeat. I have had blogging at the back of my mind… Wondering if I should write about this or that… No, that doesn’t feel right yet, and so on. Hmm, Anxiety. I still haven’t set up or looking for a therapist, despite needing one, because I’ve been procrastinating about health insurance. I haven’t had any coverage for 40 days now. The problem is that my state health insurance finder website doesn’t accept payments, so I have to call the company during business hours to pay… Because I can’t do it on their website… Which I can’t do because they require a plan number before you can even sign up. Ugh.

I had inspiration from this comment:

Picture of a blog comment.
Hope this is okay to share!

Of course! I can write a recipe post! I haven’t had one in a long time, and it’s something I mentioned in

About Me

Therefore… I got an idea. I’ll do ten recipe posts for the rest of October!

Recipes (Boy, this sure is bare… Time to restock the cupboard!)

Finally a blogging/writing goal that inspires me! I’ll do some usual “Life check-ins with the word” posts sprinkled between. (or maybe another form of self torture…. )

I’ve been in a cooking mood again since I took that break. One of my goals is to eat better; another is to cut my expenses since I’ve gone out too often for lunch in the past three months at my job. I’m apparently in the top tier of weed trimmers at work, and though I haven’t had a review yet, I’ve gotten lots of positive feedback from my boss, and new employees come to me for tips.

The recipes…

So tomorrow, I’ll post the first of three recipes. I cook everything first before I post. I haven’t made the first two recipes before. They will be my meals for dinner/lunch, probably for the next week.

First up: Jamaican Jerk Pork…

Picture of an oven with a pan of simmering Jerk Pork, and 2 other glass pans with chopped root vegetables. All roasting at 450 F
Cooking in the oven right now! (Well, it’ll likely be done by the time you read this 😅) Also pictured, a future recipe: Roasted root vegetables with herbs.

This is the first time to my knowledge that I’ve made Jamaican Jerk Pork Shoulder before. I didn’t buy scotch bonnet peppers because I had several bottles of spicy hot sauce in the cupboard, all with a little bit in each container. I can’t eat much spicy food these days as it burns all the way through, but I believe that I made this hot enough, like Jerk spice seasoning is known for. As I type this at 6:33 pm PST, I hope this turns out delicious!

Thanks for reading! I’m thankful you still follow, even though I’ve been flaky.

Burnout 2021

Posted on by One comment
Cloudy forest road.

I am spent. Totally wiped out. Numb. Again. It’s merely Sunday in the pandemic.

None of the usual stuff is giving joy.

I’m tired of suffering. Tired of being depressed. Tired of the pandemic. The loneliness is killing me.

It’s frustrating living with mom. 1 year of a pandemic is enough. I desperately need to move out. We are just too different people to be living together. But, I can’t move out to an apartment because I don’t have a job or steady income.

It feels like I’m not suited for the work available right now. I can’t do variable schedule, customer service, or fast paced work because of my autism needs. I don’t like using this as a crutch.

Tired of daily, new PTSD from reading the news. Enough with the historical events.

That isn’t to say that Trump or his enabler Republicans shouldn’t be held accountable. They do. Treason/Sedition must be brought to justice. Our democracy and country is more important than any individual or political party.

Can’t even get a breath of fresh air by going outside or into the world. Shielded for safety behind a facemask. Going grocery shopping gave me a mild anxiety attack in the store. It’s like everyone doesn’t care that over 400,000 + have died from covid. Barely any distancing, business as usual at Safeway.

I’m not sure which is more dangerous right now: never leaving the house and being isolated, or getting covid. Therapy, medication, and self care only help so much in this difficult world. Yet, the worst of the pandemic is yet to come.

I need to get a car, so I have some agency. So I can get out of this area any day of the week. But then I’d have to choose between savings or a car. And unemployment is almost done.

I’m tired of this prison I’m in. I committed no crime, yet I feel punished for doing the right thing and staying home. I want to see friends. I want a life. I’m tired of no job = no life.

Heartbroken.

I feel like I’m about to fall apart and shatter. Damnit.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!



Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Exhausted… But a good week!

Posted on by 5 comments
Source: https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-low-fuel-gauge-image3795734

I am completely wiped out today. This past week was really busy. On an average week, I need at least one day to rest and not do anything strenuous to recover. This past week was really busy. I had a job interview on Monday and was hired on the spot. I started on Tuesday and worked 10 hours. I haven’t worked a shift that long since 2019. I was wiped out, sore all over on Wednesday, but it felt good to be productive!

My new job is for a startup hemp infused soda company called Clēēn Craft:

https://cleencraft.com/

For now I’m packing cans of soda into boxes and cardboard trays for orders. It’s a tiny company, so I’ll be taking on more as I learn everything about the business. I like the impression and vibe so far.

I apologize for the late post. To be honest, I’ve had trouble writing much the past few weeks. Between my grandpa dying, adjusting to a higher dose of my antidepressant, American politics because of the ineptitude of Trump, the invisible threat of corona virus outside, and working on improving my life… I’ve been exhausted. I need to do something different to refill the creative tank.

Despite the healthy exhaustion, this past week had some positive things happen!

  • I started a new job! I’ve only worked there a total of 2 days so far, but I really like it!
  • I got a really nice rejection letter from another infused beverage company that I had a zoom interview with last week.
  • I believe I was hit on by the attractive clerk at my local pet store, so that’s cool… :0
  • I am so glad I adopted my new 4 month old kitten, Coconut! She is very affectionate, loves to snuggle, and is a ball of energy that plays all the time. Such a good kitty!
  • I had a nice visit with My Aunt M, and Uncle D on Saturday. I haven’t visited with either in person in like a year! It really is so great to have the option now to do distance visits in person, even with masks on. The pandemic has made me really appreciate all the wonderful people in my life.
  • Also yesterday, I went to visit my brother N and my buddy N for my buddies kid’s 2nd birthday. From my aunt’s house it was a 90 minute drive, but I didn’t mind doing it. It was nice to drive alone for a long time. I listened to a couple parts of audiobooks, and had a wonderful visit. I got to meet my brother’s new puppy for the first time, and it was nice to visit with my Buddy and his family for the outside social visit… Distancing, and wearing masks. In person beats online every time.
  • On the ferry ride there, a pod of Orcas swam by. They were a good mile ahead of us, but that was a first time seeing them that close in the wild before!
  • It was nice to be around people again.

Writing this post has been an absolute grind. It’s been a one word at a time thing. Recovery days look like wearing pajamas, resting in bed or a comfy chair, and not doing anything.

Sorry this isn’t the best post. It’s a day late, and I feel a bit sloppy being a first draft… But there is no need to beat myself up like I have in the past. So, I think I’ll take an editing pass, and work on this some more tomorrow. I need to figure out some long term goals and direction for future blog posts. My life is changing for the better, this is the best I can do today. One day at a time…

Song of the week:

Running on Empty by Jackson Browne

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. I share updates and news if posts are late there. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

A kitten named Coconut

Posted on by One comment
My new siamese kitten, Coconut sleeping in the curtains like a hammock!

It’s been a great week! sorry for the late post!

Sunday:

I hung out with my friends D & J, who I haven’t seen in person for 6 months! We wore masks and did a distance visit. His birthday was last month, so I brought a present, and it was a blast! It was like we picked up where we left off last time. We’ve kept in touch over texting, but it’s just not the same as visiting in person. If it wasn’t for the pandemic, I wouldn’t have reconnected with old friends, family and new friends. It took this awful situation to show how much I miss people in my life. While my socializing is mostly limited to Facebook, I’m grateful to have it.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2wQTWl4jpiW541ZN2uLbLA?si=Xt1x1UdqRsC8H-KQNUycnA

Read more

Therapy hangover today

Posted on by Leave a comment

I can’t write much today because I’m hungover from therapy yesterday. It’s been a busy week. Forgive me if this seems scattered. Well, busy for quarantine. So maybe 20 hours total of work between therapy zoom groups and self care stuff. … I’ve been unemployed too long. The world is a strange place to live in right now.

All this solitary time has shown me who is important in my life. It’s given me time to work through problems, and space to finally be comfortable with myself. I’m glad to be alive. It’s been such a long time since I was so happy being myself. Comfortable being inter-dependent with the world. I’m at peace with my flaws. The light and dark within. I want to be the best possible human I can be.

Photo of my mother, and brother (Hidden in the fauna like where's Waldo). Visiting my brother. This is the shared garden my bro lives on.
Photo of my mother, and brother (Hidden in the fauna like where’s Waldo). Visiting my brother. This is the shared garden my bro lives on.

Here’s a poem I created from a word cloud of all the words in my personal journal. I made this from the top 100 words I said. A nonsense poem.

Like want time:

  • Time felt love first.
  • Now crazy. Days brief. Fear cares.
  • Met two even one can die.
  • I’m real numb… heart just shit!
  • Grief told me: Sorry, choose your pain.
  • Every way I care.
  • Old, alive, make an end.
  • Like won’t time fear hope?
  • Get better, see love.
  • Write your right self. Move today!
Bright green willow tree in a park. Almost as if a tent made of a tree.

Songs of the week:

Tired of being alone by Al Green

Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison

Ain’t nobody here but us chickens, covered by James Brown

Pretty Fly(For a white guy) by The Offspring

40 Minute Sitting Meditation by Mark Williams

Self Care Compromise

Posted on by Leave a comment
This crow and others have been hanging out in my back yard. For a couple years now a family of crows has been visiting us in the late spring and summer as part of their migration. My mother and I have been feeding them nuts by placing them on the deck railing. When we go inside, they swoop in and take the nuts away.

I haven’t done the best job editing this piece. It’s a second draft at best. It’s the best I can do right now with the capacity I have.

I’m worn out on all fronts. My muscles and body aches far more than usual because I’m spending all my time during quarantine on my desktop PC. My spine and neck are out of whack. My usual routine stretching and massaging sore or stiff muscles with my rolling foam cylinder isn’t working. I’m due for a chiropractor appointment, but I’m helpless because of the quarantine. I’m waiting for an email back from my doctor to see what I can do at home to help.

My brain is exhausted because I had a therapy appointment yesterday. I usually have a “therapy hangover” for days after depending on how intense therapy was. My therapist and I are on appointment 11. Things are going well. Yesterday was productive despite me having a muscle tension headache. I pushed myself too hard. This is a really bad habit I have, that I need to stop. My therapist was kind to suggest rescheduling our session for today. I chose not to, to work through my physical pain, because… I’m afraid that I’ll be abandoned by a therapist again. It’s already happened for good and bad reasons 6 times the past 12 years. I’ve been trying so hard to reach the peak of the therapist mountain seeking help. Each fall more devastating as I have to recover from worsening wounds by myself.

Now that I’m here, I’ve been working my ass off building the bridge to the next mountain within my soul, because I’ve wanted to be healed my entire adult life. This looks like: watching videos on YouTube about therapy, relationships, mental health, and self improvement like a job for 35+ hours a week during quarantine. I’m in spiritual pain from multiple grief events the past 6 months. I had to have my 18 year old cat euthanized in December. He was my best friend. (Sorry human readers, my Facebook circle. I do appreciate you, but my cat Flip was my best friend for 18 years.) My coworkers and I were laid off in January because the company went out of business. I poorly wrote a confession love letter to a woman I’d known for 26 years and was rejected. I made things worse by posting online about it.

This emotional wound hasn’t healed all the way yet. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I’m sure a country or blues song could be written about it. It was catastrophic heartbreak for both of us. My word count production has been focused on soothing my emotional wounds instead of soothing my creative need.

The rejection-breakup event destroyed me. It’s so traumatic that it’s changed my belief system about love, myself, relationships, and dating. An ego death.

Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren both lost the Democratic primary. They were my first and second choice for candidates for 2020 POTUS. Andrew Yang would have been awesome too. I’d be okay with Pete Buttigieg. Biden as a choice is an exasperated sigh. I suppose this better than the diarrhea fart that is POTUS 45. So, I lost this year with politics too.

Covid-19 quarantine happened in March here in Washington state. It was the correct step to take for the sake of the world, the country, and the state. For my life, it’s a disaster on the scale of Mount Rainier erupting. Quarantine times grief to the 3rd power is a star going supernova into a black hole. A black hole which will only expire on its own time. In a way, time in solitude is exactly what I need right now. It been hell, but I believe that I am finally seeing life clearly now. I see who is there for me. What I value, and what I want to be in the future. One step forward is progress.

So all of these words are me giving permission to myself to rest. I’m listening to the feedback my body and mind are giving me. This year’s theme so far is: starting on a new path. I feel that the previous era of my life has ended. I will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Songs of the week:

If you enjoyed reading this, give it a like, comment, follow and share on Facebook, and subscribe to my email list!

Don’t forget to wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

Have a good week!

Reilly.

The 12 year Therapy Odyssey

Posted on by Leave a comment

The 12 year therapy odyssey:

I’ve struggled since 2008 to find the right therapist, medications, and treatment combination.  As soon as I recognized there was something wrong with me, in this case a mental health problem, I asked for help. Despite all my efforts, my Mother’s efforts, and doing the right thing by giving a combination of 10 different psychiatrists/therapists time and faith in the system, nothing worked. If I did make any progress, it was so small and subtle that I couldn’t tell if it was from therapy. This is incredibly frustrating compared to my experience with other medical treatments, such as physical therapy, which helped me after a car accident and a job injury. Both injuries weren’t that bad. When I went in, I knew a realistic schedule for treatment, could see and feel progress, and would have answers for problems. This wasn’t the case with therapy.

My first therapist nearly kills me by prescribing a medication that gives me three heart attacks at 23. To be fair, this is a risk for any amphetamine ADD medication. The disconnect was that he didn’t bother to visit me in the hospital, or seem to care when my Mother called and said what happened to me. The few visits we had weren’t helping, so I ended treatment immediately. I’m lucky that I was young and didn’t have any serious damage to my heart. It took me another year or so to try therapy again. 

In the 12 years when I started in 2008, only one therapist was somewhat effective for treating me. In 2009, I had PTSD as a result of a robbery-home invasion. I did exposure therapy with that therapist, which kinda worked. At home, I sped up treatment by binging true crime shows such as FBI files, Forensic Files, and various crime documentaries. Oh, and watching the news. I knew I had recovered after I stopped watching all of those. I feel that using the true crime shows as a treatment helped far more than therapy sessions. This wasn’t a suggestion by the therapist at the time. Fortunately I had Dr google to help. (You know searching stuff in a search engine to treat yourself because the actual world isn’t helping.)

In my experience with prescription medication, you might get told the top common side effects, then given paperwork with small text including a hundred other possible scenarios. At that point, you don’t care because you (have) to assume the medicine will help you with your problem. Despite all the testing and research each person’s body is different. If everything goes well and the side effects of medicine are helpful, great! If not, it takes months to years to try and get off of medications. It’s still possible to try dozens of medicines for multiple medical issues and not find the 1 right prescription for you. This is for one health problem. If you have multiple conditions, this becomes more complex as you and your provider have to balance the benefits and side effects.

The car windows are dirty. My finger is on the camera lens. The sun is causing a reflection in the windshield. The road is windy and its in a canyon. But I’m moving forward on the road. This is a photo I took on a road trip through Yakima Canyon heading back home. An apt metaphor for my journey with therapy.

Past experiences with health insurance and therapy:

In October 2019, I tried again to get help to find a therapist under my work’s Kaiser plan. Nothing was covered including medication (Which Kaiser lied about in the plan we got. Says 80% of medicine costs, but if you do a price comparison online, every medicine I got except one was the same price as prescriptions under zero coverage.) You also have had to find a therapist from a third party website (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us) by searching through profiles one by one like browsing the grocery aisle. After a while, all the therapists feel the same. I don’t get why finding a doctor or dentist is as easy as finding somewhere to eat, but finding a therapist is like online dating? 

You couldn’t search for therapists on Kaiser’s website. (According to the last time I had Kaiser, February 2020) You could only get a referral from a psych coordinator at one of their facilities. 

Source

When they did have therapists, there were only a handful of them all booked for months, not accepting new patients. That’s bullshit. This is way too hard for someone suffering from health problems. So, I got medications I could afford on the minimum wage. Except my anti depressant which was $220 for a month of medicine.  I couldn’t afford paying $150-200+ a month for therapy on a minimum wage job in Seattle. A major reason I chose this job, and accepting the $1600 a month wage was because Health Insurance was offered. I admit that I didn’t have much negotiating power before I got this job. My employment history isn’t that great. In large part because I’ve been in industries unsuitable for me, and my combined mental health over my adult life has been poor. Honestly, that Kaiser plan I had wasn’t much better from the health plan I had when I had a high demand, high paying job, as a local CDL truck driver a few years ago delivering soda. But that work drove me crazy. Maybe some are suited for that, but it’s another lifestyle career. Where you live to work as your life. That isn’t me. I work to live. I also wasn’t available much during business hours between working in the restaurant industry, which meant I was either sleeping during the day or working at night. Sigh.

Shopping around for plans isn’t an option when you are broke and don’t make much. All the plans are awful, and leave you saddled with debt. I actually have better insurance now, unemployed, with Washington AppleCare than any bullshit private plan over my entire life. My biggest obstacle after the quarantine is over is having to give this up again for a lesser plan. I know I’m lucky to have that, but this time period will be the only vacation I’ll likely have in years. Maybe in a few years after I figure out long term career goals I won’t be making minimum wage anymore, and might have better health insurance plan options. That feels like an eternity right now.

The good news is that I am making progress in therapy. I have to remember to give myself credit, and not be so hard on myself. You made mistakes. Life hasn’t gone as I’d liked, but that’s how it was. It doesn’t have to continue sucking.

I don’t want to do anymore blue collar work because I’ve done that a few times already. College is extremely expensive, and it’s not smart to go without a concrete plan. I need to know the degree and career path I want to achieve. I have some ideas of things I don’t want to do. Either way I have to pay the bills. I’m not going to make the mistake of choosing a path too fast, or because of fear again. It doesn’t help that I don’t like working. I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate dating now that I know it’s work too. Guess that’s just the way it is. Well, you have no idea bro. Don’t make assumptions before you’ve really got into it.

Post thoughts…

Thank you for reading my blog! I had a lot of trouble writing this post. I wrote a draft of something on Tuesday, but realized it wasn’t publishable. I lost Wednesday to a migraine, and Thursday recuperating from it. So, I salvaged this from scraps from other posts. (I keep a separate file when writing to put content that doesn’t fit with the current post. This is the first time I’ve found something useful from it!) I guess my writing style is to be completely consumed by one thing at a time. This is progress. It’s one step closer to finding my niche, my purpose in life.

All nature photos from the car taken by me.

Song of the week:

If you enjoyed reading this, give it a like, comment, follow and share on Facebook, and subscribe to my email list!

Don’t forget to wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Have a good week!

Reilly.

« Older Entries