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I am spent. Totally wiped out. Numb. Again. It’s merely Sunday in the pandemic.

None of the usual stuff is giving joy.

I’m tired of suffering. Tired of being depressed. Tired of the pandemic. The loneliness is killing me.

It’s frustrating living with mom. 1 year of a pandemic is enough. I desperately need to move out. We are just too different people to be living together. But, I can’t move out to an apartment because I don’t have a job or steady income.

It feels like I’m not suited for the work available right now. I can’t do variable schedule, customer service, or fast paced work because of my autism needs. I don’t like using this as a crutch.

Tired of daily, new PTSD from reading the news. Enough with the historical events.

That isn’t to say that Trump or his enabler Republicans shouldn’t be held accountable. They do. Treason/Sedition must be brought to justice. Our democracy and country is more important than any individual or political party.

Can’t even get a breath of fresh air by going outside or into the world. Shielded for safety behind a facemask. Going grocery shopping gave me a mild anxiety attack in the store. It’s like everyone doesn’t care that over 400,000 + have died from covid. Barely any distancing, business as usual at Safeway.

I’m not sure which is more dangerous right now: never leaving the house and being isolated, or getting covid. Therapy, medication, and self care only help so much in this difficult world. Yet, the worst of the pandemic is yet to come.

I need to get a car, so I have some agency. So I can get out of this area any day of the week. But then I’d have to choose between savings or a car. And unemployment is almost done.

I’m tired of this prison I’m in. I committed no crime, yet I feel punished for doing the right thing and staying home. I want to see friends. I want a life. I’m tired of no job = no life.

Heartbroken.

I feel like I’m about to fall apart and shatter. Damnit.

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© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

• Still not recovered
• Struck by Seratonin Syndrome
• On short hiatus for health reasons
• I need help moving out.
• It feels like a new chapter is on the way