Tag Archives: burnout

A Series of Changes

Siamese cat laying on a bench next to a partially opened window. It's bright and sunny May day outside.

I am unemployed and going through an Existential Crisis

Once again, I am going through a transformation period in my life. I feel unknown to myself, and the future feels murky. Some of these choices are my own. Some were not, and I had to decide what to do.

The upside to this is that I can receive unemployment again. Unlike the last time I received it, during the Pandemic Shutdown of 2020 and into early 2021 with the extensions, I have to apply for work every week. I really don’t want to look for work right now. I acknowledge that I can’t live this way forever and have to get work because that is the world’s cruel reality. Like most of my fellow millennials, I feel that I will not ever be able to retire. If I somehow do, it sure looks like the rising sea levels from the ice caps melting from climate change will ruin the future. Unemployment is the only vacation I’ll get. Which, as anyone unemployed for an extended period will tell you, is not a vacation. It’s stressful and not relaxing. I haven’t been able to enjoy any of the time to myself because I have been so stressed about the future. Yes, I will have some money for the future, at the cost of applying to 3 jobs a week that I don’t want. I hate working. This last job was the closest of meeting my needs until it didn’t.

I really would like to have work that meets my needs. I know it’s impossible to not work, so I’d rather do something that is meaningful, pays decently, and doesn’t drain me. I’m tired of numbing myself and avoiding reality because life sucks. Because I’m not living in alignment with my values and not living a life that makes me want to escape reality.

Black text on painted wood: May you have the courage to break the patterns in your life that no longer serve you. From Reddit.

I am very different than I was the last time on unemployment.

The difference? Long Covid. It’s going on for 15 months, and I’m still dealing with this. This is the main reason I quit my previous job. While there were other reasons, all of them I could handle while working or finding similar work in the field. But, my body gave out. Chronic fatigue is a bitch. No matter how much I tried to make it work and how much work tried to accommodate, it didn’t work out. More on why in the posts below:

On the positive side, I have changed in the two years since I was unemployed. I’ve done a bunch of healing and inner work from the books I read while working and from going to therapy. I healed through osmosis at my previous job by going through tough situations and being around good people. I have to give credit for the good too. That workplace became a complex relationship.

Another positive is that I haven’t consumed pot in over three months and only had one cocktail during that time. I made a margarita last week. While delicious, the hangover and depression the following days were awful. I may have to face the reality that I can’t drink again. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt awful after drinking. Now, because of my health conditions, I’m even more sensitive to it. I chose to stop both for health reasons and was told by my doctor that I’d recover. Now that I’ve recovered from Serotonin Syndrome (I think), and been sober, I feel much better despite the lows.

During those lows, I was on the edge of existence but held on and turned to help.

So, I am stressed out and frustrated because I likely can’t work in my previous fields of work. I can’t physically handle working full time anymore, and I don’t want to commit to a job because I plan on going back to school for the Fall college quarter in September.

The plan for the future… For now.

I am not 100% sure that I want to become a therapist by going back to school. While I have had a special interest in psychology, how relationships work, masculinity, and self-help topics to understand myself and heal myself, doing it for work to help others is a different thing.

I do like helping others who are struggling. I do like the idea of contributing to a healing industry. I like that I could be a small part of guiding people and healing societal problems. Maybe contributing to current psychological research.

I dunno. This kinda feels like I’m going through the motions because I have to make money at something. Yeah, while going to school I could change majors if it doesn’t work out, but that is an expensive gamble. At the same time, I do not want to do any more blue-collar work or “boot camps” because those are tied to heavy corporate or business-related careers. Work has been a chore I have to do to survive. Occasionally it has been fun because of coworkers, but not because of the work itself. I liked what I could do alongside the work, such as listening to music, audiobooks, or watching videos.

I could simply be biased by recent feelings and my existential-colored glasses.

Maybe I’m tired of betting on career potential.

Well, doing something is still better than staying the same. šŸ˜®ā€šŸ’Ø šŸ¤·


On a separate note, it feels like the traffic on the blog is dying. I haven’t made this easier as my post times have become inconsistent. I’ve also questioned lately whether I am still interested in continuing to do this as I don’t want to play the SEO game or do the other little things that are required to make this blog relevant in the eyes of search engines or others. I don’t know why I’m doing this anymore, as it is a lot of work to write this to the quality I prefer, and it is disappointing that this blog isn’t growing. Maybe this is the best I can expect for a personal blog with random topics that don’t consider the audience or me following the rules a blogger needs to do for success. Maybe this is just me externalizing my feelings of feeling lost and pressured to find the next thing that pays the bills. Or my drive to feel like I have accomplished something in life and produced something of note. I don’t like feeling like a failure or a loser in life. But it sure looks like I am one at 37 in my life. The one thing that I have complete control over, I fail.

I guess I could continue with this random post schedule without doing SEO stuff (and it’s not worth it to hire someone for a tiny blog with a limited audience such as this blog) and doing the little advertising I do. A big reason I started blogging is to connect with others. It’s very frustrating to work hard on a post after blogging for three years, and nobody comments or likes it. I know that I can’t force y’all to do it, but I’d really appreciate it. I’m way too isolated as is.


August Burnout

Image of a recently burned tree, exposing its vascular tissue.


https://www.instagram.com/p/CaDeLdsh9PT/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=
Source, how I have felt lately. Image of a recently burned tree, exposing its vascular tissue. Maybe this is why I’ve been eating so much pasta in recent days.

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called life -Prince

It’s no wonder I’ve been burned out… It seems to be something I’ve experienced around August for the past three years. See these posts:

Man getting shot by hundreds of arrows at once

The above gif and prince song are a metaphor for my life this month. The arrows are emotional.

I’m covered in arrows, in pain, from multiple sources.

My brother has had a severe back injury that he can’t get treated for due to legal complications. A double trigger due to dad dying almost 20 years ago in a car accident… Which resulted in a lawsuit against our family. This wasn’t my brother’s fault, thankfully. It’s tough to see him suffering. On top of that, he caught covid. He recovered, but it was a tough couple of weeks there.

My mother is recovering from an accident at work which resulted in her going to the ER to get stitches. She’s doing better now but still healing from bruises. That was tough to see her hurt. Especially since she’s getting older, she’s still a go-getter.

Naturally I’ve been worried about both of them.

Current Mood...

I just want to sleep and do nothing.

The quest for inner peace, to heal

I have been exhausted this month. Between my family being injured, the heat, being isolated, and grief. I think I’m finally in the last stages of healing from my past major breakups.

Me lately in this heatwave.

I’m not sure if I still have long covid, or all this mental and physical fatigue is from recent events or depression.

It’s a great thing that I’m in therapy again. It will be better going forward because I’m on viibryd, an antidepressant again.

I’ve had trouble writing so I’m going to do something different here and express myself in pictures since my head hurts trying to think.

Various mental health pictures that describe me lately…

Repeatedly obsessing over previous failures, childhood mistakes, and past arguments is a sign that you seek moral perfection, i.e. a clean slate. This unrealistic goal causes panic and guilt when you think you are in the wrong and masking your nature through fear of rejection. @autisticblackgirl
I see a lot of chatter about people learing about themselves from the Internet, and people don't realize the privilege of growing up in a place where your experience is the norm. 

Some of us experienced being our full selves online before we could translate that in real life. - Twitter
Word of the day is 'latibulate' (17th century): to hide in a corner in an attempt to escape reality.
When you're on sensory overload and someone tried to interact with you: Stop...
Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place. -Pinterest.
Sometimes walls are there so we can lean on them and rest.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/59/91/92/599192e2bfc9ed881ff550a6e2a6e4de.jpg

I hope that soon I will not feel awful and be able to write longer posts. Sometimes your health comes first, and when you have a chronic illness such as Long covid, and unpredictable migraines, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself.

Here is a post that doesn’t have many views, but is one I treasure. It’s about my late cat Flip, who was a dear kitty that was part of my life for 18 years.


Tell me how you feel about this post in the comments. Can you relate to these images? Have you experienced these feelings below? Let me know!

I have a post scheduled for tomorrow that I’m really proud of and excited to share. Please be sure to subscribe below to not miss it!

I feel like quitting blogging

Grim, huh? But the Truth.

This has been something bothering me for a long time. But after reading this post by Renard’s World (and a few related linked posts at the end)…

It’s clear that I don’t love blogging. I do love interacting with fellow bloggers in the comments, but that’s about it. I guess I started the blog as a way to express myself and connect with others in the world, and to find out if I was any good at this. I was hoping to finally be good at something. I’ve kinda achieved those.

I don’t know why I do this, or why anyone would want to read this blog.

I don’t see what benefit improving anything would change.

If I’m being honest, I don’t love myself. I’m burned out on life. Having multiple mental illnesses doesn’t help. Not being able to trust others doesn’t help. I just kinda exist for the sake of it. So, I guess I need a bunch of further time in therapy to change myself. Having regular therapy helped me last year in being consistent.

I don’t know what I want from life. I wish that “nothing” was an acceptable answer. All I know is that blogging isn’t fulfilling or helpful to me for now.

EDIT: This was a bit rash, and too much. I’m going to take a three week break instead of indefinite.

You can always reach me by email or in the comments. The blog email is in the “Contact” page. Thank you for reading.

Taking a break from Blogging, Taking a Break from Dating

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Break from blogging

This has been a long term problem I’ve had with blogging and writing. I don’t know why I’m doing it and not passionate anymore. I think it’s simply burnout. Or pandemic fatigue. Writing hasn’t felt fulfilling for a while. The blog’s anniversary is coming up on the 25th, and other than that, I have nothing to write about. Nothing is burning inside to motivate me. My life has been pretty repetitive due to the pandemic and not much inspires me. This isn’t due to the depression I deal with or any other health problem. Maybe this need to write will come back later after I get vaccinated and as things open again, and I can have a full life with experiences to draw from.

I simply don’t know why I do this. So I’m going to take a break from blogging. I plan on one more post for March on the Blog anniversary on the 25th, and a post on my birthday on April 3rd. After that, nothing is planned. I’ll see how I feel then.


Break from dating.

I am also taking a break from dating. This has already been going on recently as I’ve paused my profile on the dating apps I use. I haven’t had success or many matches on Bumble, Tinder, or Hinge. Then again, I haven’t really used them much, or been interested. Even women I was attracted to in the past I don’t feel attracted to. I’ve never liked dating, I don’t like meeting new people, and I feel the rejection has made me bitter. Even thinking about opening the apps is nauseating. Even if I won the dating lotto and met someone today (Not likely), I’d feel like “whatever”.

I’m not ready to date. Dating feels like a gigantic waste of time for little reward.

With everything I’ve learned about dating and relationships the past year, instead of motivating me to improve, it’s turned me off dating and women because of how they act in that area of life. It’s like they are employers, and you are going into a job interview with no/little idea of what they want or who they are, and they want you to conduct the interview too. I don’t see how this adds to my life in anyway that friends or family don’t already do. It’s not worth it. The older I get the stronger I feel about this. Maybe this is permanent. For now, I’m not putting any effort into changing this. (It would take a lot… I have overwhelmingly negative experiences with dating.)

Meh.


Well, that was real positive…

Burnout 2021

Cloudy forest road.

I am spent. Totally wiped out. Numb. Again. It’s merely Sunday in the pandemic.

None of the usual stuff is giving joy.

I’m tired of suffering. Tired of being depressed. Tired of the pandemic. The loneliness is killing me.

It’s frustrating living with mom. 1 year of a pandemic is enough. I desperately need to move out. We are just too different people to be living together. But, I can’t move out to an apartment because I don’t have a job or steady income.

It feels like I’m not suited for the work available right now. I can’t do variable schedule, customer service, or fast paced work because of my autism needs. I don’t like using this as a crutch.

Tired of daily, new PTSD from reading the news. Enough with the historical events.

That isn’t to say that Trump or his enabler Republicans shouldn’t be held accountable. They do. Treason/Sedition must be brought to justice. Our democracy and country is more important than any individual or political party.

Can’t even get a breath of fresh air by going outside or into the world. Shielded for safety behind a facemask. Going grocery shopping gave me a mild anxiety attack in the store. It’s like everyone doesn’t care that over 400,000 + have died from covid. Barely any distancing, business as usual at Safeway.

I’m not sure which is more dangerous right now: never leaving the house and being isolated, or getting covid. Therapy, medication, and self care only help so much in this difficult world. Yet, the worst of the pandemic is yet to come.

I need to get a car, so I have some agency. So I can get out of this area any day of the week. But then I’d have to choose between savings or a car. And unemployment is almost done.

I’m tired of this prison I’m in. I committed no crime, yet I feel punished for doing the right thing and staying home. I want to see friends. I want a life. I’m tired of no job = no life.

Heartbroken.

I feel like I’m about to fall apart and shatter. Damnit.


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Ā© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

I don’t know what to write

I don't know what to write... I am burned out and depressed.
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

I have had a hard time writing anything for a while. Maybe the creative tank is finally empty. I don’t even know my reason for writing anymore. I’ve considered quitting because blogging has felt like work, and lost it’s fun.

I don’t want to want things. To have to rely on anyone.

I’ve been late two posts in a row, and I feel ashamed of myself for not following through on it. I failed myself and the readers.

In short, Im not confident. I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t want a career. And as a man at 34, if you don’t have a career or steady income… Forget dating. I don’t even know what a good date feels like. Never had a girlfriend or a third date. In addition to that, I’m a 34 year old virgin. I’m still one because I don’t want to lose it to a prostitute, or a one night stand. I want it to happen in a committed relationship. I don’t talk about this because I’m completely ashamed of this.

I feel trapped. I’m tired of struggling for so long with my mental health problems while life passes by… As I struggle to survive. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m tired of being immature. Not being able to trust people doesn’t help.

Life feels like an endless slog, then we die.

I’m so tired of working on myself.

I like the idea, the fantasy of things than the reality. Life feels like far too much work, and I don’t know what it feels like to be successful. I don’t need much. In our capitalist world, nobody is ever enough.

It feels like it’s too late for me.

What’s the point?