Time to Return to Therapy
I’ve hit a wall with blogging
Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had many things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog? Why write? Or the most significant obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?
I know there are answers out there and people who’ve been here before.
More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.
I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.
I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.
I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)
I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. I am being hurt again or hurting another person because of my actions.
Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.
I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.
I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.
I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposure at two different jobs.
I need to return to therapy
Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend.
Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.
Therapy work list:
- Trust issues
- Social anxiety
- Pandemic PTSD
- Help with healthy friendships
- Life coaching
- Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
- And many other issues.
I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.
Man… When will I be fixed?
Thanks for reading!
Reilly's blog 
I’m glad you’re still blogging – there are plenty of times I’ve complained that I don’t even know why I’m still blogging as Olivia, so I get it. And yet… here I am.
As for the “when will I be fixed?” question – there is no fixing – you’re not broken. You might not fit into some boxes we’ve made up of how you’re “supposed to” be, but by that standard, we are all broken. And maybe that’s true. But we struggle to make our lives go the way we want them to – and the reality is that we often don’t have nearly as much control over that as we want to have.
So much of our suffering is about not accepting things as they really are – for me as much as anyone. When we can accept things as they are, we suffer less. We may still work toward changing things, it doesn’t mean we have to like it, but there is a freedom in accepting that things are the way they are AND that doesn’t mean something’s wrong.
Just some 5 a.m. ramblings…
💜
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Olivia, I appreciate this insight… It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this struggle, which will help in the future as a reminder that it’s okay to feel this way.
I guess that I hadn’t noticed how I have been living as “a broken person” and I didn’t realize this. I’m not broken. I have things to work on, but those aren’t permanent. In that sense, this blog is a way for me to have some control in life.
I’m a work in progress with acceptance and suffering. They feel interconnected and suffering fades as acceptance grows.
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Oh Reilly! Sending you a massive cyber hug!
And I love what Olivia said! Read her reply. Again. And again. Let it sink in!
I still love, and appreciate, your honesty. Believe me when I say that there are MANY out there who feel the same way as you, they just don’t have the courage to speak out. Yes, I said courage.
And as for this : Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend together.
OH MY GOSH! I SO identify with those words!
Thinking of you ❤
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Ooh, Thank you Meg! I appreciate the hug!
I hadn’t thought that the honesty would be considered courageous! I’m feeling less lonely already. Sometimes you have to speak these difficult feelings, or just say aloud to get what you need.
I’m, a bit short of what to say because I’m still thinking about all of this.
It’s taken me a few days to let all this sink in, I’m so grateful!
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Being able to speak out difficult feelings and confusing emotions in such a raw way that makes us vulnerable? That DEFINITELY takes courage, and is a very brave thing to do!
You rock 😉
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