Category Archives: Mindfulness

What if it all works out?

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A new poster I bought last month from self care is for everyone . (If someone from here is reading this, I'm willing to shill lol, I like your stuff!) "What if it all works out?"
A new poster I bought last month from self-care is for everyone. (If someone from here is reading this, I’m willing to shill lol, I like your stuff!)

What a turn around!

Music of the post:

Times like these, live acoustic version, Foo Fighters

What a difference two weeks makes.

I’m still standing here. The booster shot kicked my ass. I survived. I’m tired and worn out after a hard workout, but I’m okay. I stood up for myself and my values at work, and everything turned out great! I’m doing an excellent job at work, according to my bosses, despite the mistake. Coconut seems to have recovered from the UTI. Life is going great. I’m not over long covid, but it’s manageable. What’s important is that life feels it is moving forward in an unexpectedly excellent positive way.

Rob Lucci, from one piece looks over his shoulder to see Luffy standing up again after a beating.

I’m reposting this Rocky Balboa quote because it still speaks to me in these good times:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! “

Rocky Balboa

I’m winning at life right now

I haven’t been able to say that in a long time.

Being able to express me through blogging and meeting people with this same interest is much better for connecting. You can have friends and people there for you of all types. It’s been a long time since I felt inner peace. Felt at ease being myself. Able to communicate my needs with others and live my values.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt at peace that I can be myself with anyone. While there were brief periods where I felt at ease, confident, and with little insecurities, it was short. Life beat me down. This breakthrough may have been under the surface due to the pandemic. Being at rock bottom, healing, and being cautious because of the need to survive are factors. The pandemic isn’t over yet, and I’m still taking safety measures…

But it’s all working out. I sure didn’t expect that in (cringe) these uncertain times. (Can we agree as English speakers to kill this phrase after all this?)

I didn’t get here alone, and I’m so grateful I didn’t have to. Yes, I did the hard inner work and improvement. I feel like a man.

Acts of kindness

  • There was an uncomfortable incident in a meeting where a coworker was being critical and making us comfortable with their feedback, which wasn’t asked for and was unprofessional. Right after, my boss apologized to everyone there for the situation.
  • Earlier that week, my boss gave me a high five as I was on my way inside to eat lunch, holding a stack of small containers. I did that strange thing one does when you want to have a pile of stuff with one arm, holding it between my left arm and chin. High five accomplished. Lol.
  • The next day, the owner does the same and says he wants a culture where everyone is treated with respect, no matter what their job title. The latter reinforces my POV of my email, which caused a problem at work and got me in trouble because I overshared. In short, massive green flags. I can make mistakes, and my bosses will work with me to grow as a person.
  • I ordered lunch at this amazing restaurant called Damoori Kitchen. They serve delicious Lebanese cuisine. It’s barely close enough to drive to for pickup, and back in time to eat at lunch. I get there, it’s like 115, but my order wasn’t made because the counter person missed the sound cue. Which sucks, but disappointing. They offer to make it right away, but I explain that I can’t wait because I’ll be late returning for lunch. They refund my order, but I’m left hungry. Damn. I return to my car, and as I’m about to back out in reverse, the owner waves to me so I pause, and she brings me some pita chips, eggplant dip, and hummus free of charge! Awesome.

I feel well enough to blog on a regular schedule once more. I physically couldn’t due to long covid, starting this new manager position, and a problematic coworker who drained me because of their drama… Thankfully that’s resolved. My plan, for now, is for eight posts a month/twice a week to improve the quality of my writing and my SEO knowledge/skill. The key is to keep moving forward.

I’ve got my groove back.

Pot Hole

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Picture of a road filled with potholes. From: https://www.wethegoverned.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/rogh-road-potholes.jpg
This post originally had a different title, but after adding this photo it made sense to name it as it is. Because I work in pot, and I tripped up in a “pothole”.
Tweet by @SteveBartlettSC You have to be able to admit when you're being the toxic one, when your insecurities are controlling your behavior and you're being unfair. Blame is great for your ego, responsibility is great for your future.

Made a classic rookie mistake… Overshared an email.

Song one of the post: Shame, Shame by Foo Fighters:

This week I made a big mistake at work. It is my fault, and I accept the consequences. I sent an email about an issue and sent it to too many people. I am breaking the chain of command. As a result, losing face with upper bosses due to the timing and content of the email. This message should have been limited to specific people, and I overstepped the lines of my job. Thus, I had a verbal warning meeting (from context, I believe this is the case) about how and why I messed up. This is the first time in my working life that I have had this happen to me. A conduct meeting about my actions as a manager (This being my first manager job) and the consequences of my efforts on the company. I am working on drafting an apology and prepared to make amends for anything my supervisors want me to do or not to do. I know that the best apology is changed behavior. Hopefully, this can be an excellent first step to repairing this relationship.

Coincidentally, I was off work yesterday and today because I scheduled the Covid booster for April 14th, about what I assume is three months after I first caught Covid. This time off couldn’t have come better with things hot at work. I have been thinking hard and reviewing past mistakes to see if there is a pattern of behavior that I need to improve.

I originally had a paragraph focused on past job mistakes that I deleted. I was in a writers knot and decided to catch up reading blogs I follow, and this gem of a post by Anthonia’s Blog was perfect timing:

https://anthoniasblog.wordpress.com/2022/04/14/have-you-made-any-mistake/

So flagellating myself online and shooting the second arrow at myself isn’t productive. That is not who I am anymore, and I have had enough of hurting myself and others this way. By staying in the past, in pain, I am not growing, I am not healing, and I am not living in the present. I am not moving forward.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is an unavoidable part of life. All I can do is choose my response and choose my behavior.

Learning Boundaries by example.

No does not mean "Convince me".

Boundaries and communication is a skill I am working on. It’s been a life journey.

This situation has me feeling cautious about how to proceed to communicate. I think I’m on thin ice and need to be careful how I respond. On the one hand: I want to demonstrate through words that I understand what I did, take accountability by apologizing with amends, and how I will proceed going forward at work. On the other hand, I want to respectfully stand up for myself, ask follow-up questions, and respond. A core of this problem is miscommunication. For now, I’m sad and mad.

Though I am upset and let down by myself for my mistake and the verbal warning, what hurts most is finding out that my job is different than what was initially told to me. My company made this new position, I assume, for me after I was moved after three weeks at my previous post. I was told I’m better suited for analytical work and that this would be a lateral move. It’s not. It’s to a lower position, a clear step-down, essentially what I assume is an assistant manager role. Which is not what I was told and not explicitly said. This was after I asked for clarification from my boss since the job description was light. I feel irritated and misled as I think this should have been crystal clear. Now I am underneath the department in which I was previously manager. That is something that should be said at the beginning. I’m disappointed because I can’t trust or see those above me the same as before.

Silver lining.

This situation has its upsides. It allows me to see how to set boundaries and fairly communicate them to others. It has shown me my job and not what I assumed it was. It has made me ask myself: What do you want? It reminded me of what I am at this job for. It is a job and a place I enjoy working at. It is a conditional relationship. Therefore…

You either quit or keep going. They both hurt. Read that again. - unknown author.

I am staying, but I am adjusting. I am refocusing my energy on my job duties and life instead of work. I will do the job to the best of my ability as I currently am, but I will use that excess energy on things in my life that need it. I have neglected important aspects of my life to focus on work, and I have pushed those thoughts aside. I did need that time to master this new position, but that time has passed. From now on, I will only do what is in my job description, nothing else. That is the impression I get from work, so that is what they get.

Take no shit, do no harm.

Song two of the post: 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton.

Get vaccinated and boosted.

April Springs Anew

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Shout-out to the people who haven't felt okay lately but get up every day and refuse to quit. You got this

It feels like a new chapter in life

Soon as I recover from long covid (gotta stay positive and wish for the best), I need to move. It’s been a goal of mine for years. I haven’t due to my mental health and constantly being in survival mode for work. A mix of Murphy’s law and things not working out. Life…

That’s settled in the past. I feel stable and confident with life again. (It’s been a long time since I felt like this. So long it feels unusual but familiar). I have work concerns, and I’m anxious about the managers’ meeting, but that’s normal, even for a good job. I like where I’m at—finally, the right thing at the right time. There’s a rumor that the trimmer crew will be moving up to the farm, which is about a 90 minutes drive (or longer during rush hour). That includes me in this new manager job. I’ll find out this week. I don’t want or like a long commute. I want to keep working at this company, so it’s a condition I am willing to accept. It will give me the motivation to go forward with moving.

(I had a playlist, but it looks like its only showing a preview. So… I had to redo it on youtube.)

Photo of a blooming cherry tree in a park, shot from the driver's side of a car. In picture is the driver's side mirror, giving a perspective of past and future.
Photo of a blooming cherry tree in a park, shot from the driver’s side of a car. In picture is the driver’s side mirror, giving a perspective of past and future.

A change of scenery

It’s long past the time I move out. I’ve felt this way before. I couldn’t do anything about it because of not have work I could emotionally rely on. This is the only home I’ve lived in. The only place I’ve lived. I need to be on my own. I’ve been here too long; I don’t feel like I belong in this neighborhood. Seattle feels stale to me too. There are many other places which would be better. Rent will be expensive, but I am capable of making it happen. It’s going to hurt leaving the family cat, Lucy. I’ll miss Lucy so much. It’s going to be painful to break her heart. I will have to split up Lucy and Coco. I will miss mom, but I can come to visit. Not sure if Lucy will forgive me, being a cat. Eventually, I want to adopt a second cat for more company and a (hopefully) buddy for Coco.

I have to do this. I’ve noticed that when coming home from work, I feel progressively worse as I get closer to home. I’ve seen a constant low depression/anxiety/ and uncomfortable feeling being home with no reason to. I can be myself there at work, outside here at home, not. It’s simply not the place for me any longer. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t feel I can be the best version of myself here. Or live the life I want. I’ll still be me, and wherever I go, there I am. I’ve changed, and the neighborhoods changed. We’re on different paths.

With the covid situation here improving and my health improving, I can finally start toward this goal. It’s been one setback or letdown after another over the past four years. I can also have a social life and become more comfortable with the autistic pieces of me. Some things are not the same over zoom versus in person. I’m already experiencing this at work as I open myself up to others and feel safe.

This was the first Saturday where I felt an average amount of exhaustion. We did deep cleaning at work on Friday for a couple of hours, which was necessary. Once again, my boss showed up ready to do the dirty work with supplies and lunch—mad respect for that. I think the detailed cleaning triggered physical fatigue. So, while my physical condition is improving, and the day to getting boosted is close, I still got to be mindful.

Damn you long covid!

I haven’t been able to forgive myself

Tweet: Got to accept shit for what it is even if it's not what you want it to be.

For the relationship war crimes, I committed to a former friend. I’m guilty.

I don’t want to feel like this. I like this pain to be over. After two years, the pain has slowly lessened, but it comes up if I’m triggered or have flashbacks.

I don’t like hating myself for how badly I let my feelings get the best of me.

I’m tired of this loop replaying in my mind.

I don’t like being stuck in the past with this.

I have and am doing the work to being a better human and working on myself, communicating my needs, listening, and being mindful of others’ needs and addressing the grief, the ruminating thoughts, and fighting back against it.

I’m not a victim. I’m human. I make mistakes. I learn from them, at my own pace. This is due to me. I am responsible for that.

I can’t change the past. I can change the present and, therefore, the future.

I want this suffering to be over.

This is my mess, my journey. My choices led to this point. I have to remind myself to keep moving forward. Let me face my feelings and experience each moment. This is the consequence of my actions.

That relationship is broken and can’t be fixed. It’s far too late for that. All I can do is continue to change my behavior to be a better human in the future. I have since and continue to be, better.

These shame-powered flashbacks are setbacks and not full-stop roadblocks. I must remind myself that these triggers are happening less and less as time goes on. It’s factor that I’m vulnerable to this rumination because of my body fighting long covid. It’s a rarity.

I watched Rocky Balboa recently… Kind of the perfect movie for my mood at the time, and not feeling physically well. This scene is an excellent speech about life.

Just have to keep getting up and moving forward. Lots of good is happening. It’s challenging because it’s inner growth. That is progress. I am grateful. Noticing “good” is just as important as seeing “bad.” Keep moving forward.

Guilt, regret, resentment, sadness and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence. Eckhart Tolle.

I need to practice self-compassion and be kinder to myself. Having long Covid has been difficult. I’m not over it. Being mindful of my health has been a daily, hourly thing. Today has felt long, and I’m tired as I type this at 10:27 pm Wednesday. Yeah, you don’t have all life mastered or figured out. That’s okay. It’s okay to live one day at a time!

A Week complete!

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Man outside waking stairs to a bridge

The first week at my new job!

This week I started a new job as a Processor at Walden Cannabis. Working in the legal weed industry is like a job in a warehouse where you process and package food in bulk. It can be repetitive work, but isn’t so bad wearing headphones and listening to stuff. I’ve been catching up on audiobooks, and listening to music. It’s minimum wage work ($16.67, which may sound like a lot but not really in Seattle.), but the company offers benefits once I hit 3 months. I also get paid based on how much I produce daily based on a unique point system. So far I’ve been keeping up with other coworkers. I’m a little anxious about future performance reviews because I haven’t had this before in the workplace, and college was so long ago. It’s been 15 months since my last 5 day a week full time job, so this new lifestyle is a dramatic change. From sitting at a desk staring at a computer screen, at home with cats, occasionally with mom working remote… To starting at weed, trimming each piece, and sorting as usable and grinding material, sitting in an (uncomfortable) office chair with coworkers.

The only problems with this job are tiny: The chairs we sit in are really uncomfortable, and the workspace is cramped. I believe, based on the faded sign out front, that it used to be a auto shop of some kind. Maybe two cars could fit in it bumper to bumper.

I like my coworkers, I like my job, and I have experience doing this work. I don’t know my long term career plans, but that’s okay. That isn’t anything new, and what’s important is that I have something stable finally. This company has been around since pot became recreational in WA state around 2012, and they have been expanding, so those are good long term signs. There are many possible futures opening up. I could stay here and learn on the side, rise up in the company, or go back to school for something else. It’s nice to have possible options. The goal for now is to be mindful and live day to day. To do my best these next three months and lock this great opportunity down.

Getting this job means I had to change my therapy appointments. My therapist has been great with this, fitting me in at the end of the day. It’s frustrating how a huge portion of available therapy appointments are during the day shift. Maybe this is different outside of the US. In the past, I was able to do therapy when I worked restaurant night shifts, or when I was unemployed. I can’t afford to take an hour off work on minimum wage. I could do appointments at work… But my current workspace is tiny. Even though everyone has headphones on, and a bluetooth boombox is on during work, I don’t think that would be enough privacy for therapy. I dunno.

One day at a time.

One step at a time. It’s been 14 months since the last full time job, 13 months since the pandemic began. Gotta remember to be patient. My goals of getting a car, and moving out are in progress. Maybe it’s time to slowly test the dating waters.

It feels good to have a full time job that has pleasant coworkers, and work Im familiar with. A set schedule. With this, I can build a foundation for the life I want. I’m so grateful for all of this.

For the first time in years, I’m excited about the future.

Life isn't sunshine and rainbows quote from Rocky VI
Love this classic speech from Rocky VI. I’d add that sometimes you need help, and that is healthy to do. I’m winning because I keep moving forward. Last year I was knocked down, and barely got up at count 9 of ten. (Boxing reference) A year later I’m back in the ring, ready to fight.

Song of the post: Harder, better, faster, stronger by Daft Punk

2021 is here… Now what?

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Source

Happy 2021! Out with the old, in with the new…

It’s a new year, but the problems remain. I’m the same person I was a day ago. My life still sucks. I don’t know how to fix it. Do I even want to fix it? The world sucks, and feels like it always will. Warning: Self loathing.

So, what now?

Where do I go in life from now on? What does that mean to me? What does that mean for the blog? Who am I, and who do I want to be? Honestly I just want to be.

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

Alan Wilson Watts, The Culture of Counter-Culture: Edited Transcripts

Why bother dating?

So, I am 95% sure the person I’ve been seeing online is a catfish. They won’t do a video chat, or set a time to do one. I’m giving this relationship 13 more days before I make a final decision. She did say she wants to meet in person soon, so if that doesn’t happen within that time period, I’m out. This time, maybe for good with all dating. Online dating for sure.

(Please not be true! Man I’m depressed and lonely 😐 )

At the minimum, I’m not trying any more. And since I’m a straight man, that means never again since women don’t initiate. In my limited experience with this, it means they might flirt… But be so subtle about it, that I don’t notice. Which I miss every time due to being on the autism spectrum.

Why bother dating? It requires a bunch of work, and I’d have to change for questionable benefits. Why bother learning anything at all? All it results in is more responsibility and accountability. Dating is work. I don’t care much for meeting new people. I hate the process of dating.

All I need to do is find a way to get rid of my sex drive and desire, and finally I can be free of this suffering. Life will be so much better without that. Yes this is far better than the process of dating and change. Being A-romantic and Asexual sounds awesome. While those things aren’t a choice… I sincerely wish I was those. I’m tired of having feelings and needs related to dating. It’s not worth the effort any more. It’s been a consistent bad investment.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-fold-bad-investments-in-relationships-seeing-the-bigger-picture/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-ready-to-date-can-you-handle-it-going-somewhere-but-equally-can-you-cope-with-disappointment/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/

I guess I’m not ever going to be ready to date. Dating makes me crazy. I don’t want to work on myself anymore. I don’t want to be or do anything. I only work on self esteem because I feel obligated to. Being alone is far better than not. So once again, I’m opting out. Whatever.

Why bother working?

My only purpose is to pay bills. I don’t want anything else. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t work for money ever again. I’m not rich, so I have to do something to earn money and get by. I want to go to work, do the work, and come home. I want the work day to end when I clock out. I don’t want over time, and I’m not ambitious. Money is annoying. I hate having it, and hate acquiring it. This is who I am, and I’m not changing. The only possible benefit from working is to potentially meet people for friendships. The problem is: Working isn’t a choice. Well, not a fair choice. And I have to do this until I die? Ugh.

Well that was cheerful…

This is the real me. Lazy, selfish, not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Life is bullshit, and for some reason I don’t understand, I still get up every day. Fantasy is better than reality. Man I’m tired of whining. I’m tired of things not working out. I’m tired of struggling…

Starting after tomorrow, I’ll be blogging twice a week.

While blogging every day (except for the days I missed last month) was an interesting experience, I learned that I don’t want to do it every day. I felt like the quality of writing was slipping. I felt that I was missing out on the social aspect of commenting on other blogs, and connecting with people. I don’t know what I want from blogging, so for now, it’ll remain a hobby. This blog will remain a way to consistently write, be vulnerable, and track improvement. 75 posts in and I still don’t know what this blog adventure is, so I’ll continue the random overshares until i figure out what this is.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Love and Christmas shopping in Pandemic

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Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

Love and happiness +

Just like that, I have a girlfriend.

For the first time, the feelings are mutual!

…Finally. Everything’s right.

I’ve got a woman, by Ray Charles

I’m having a hard time keeping my head straight. One hand I’m choosing to be mindful of these wonderful feelings. To accept all the love and affection I’m feeling.

Oh, love is a wonderful feeling when it’s the right time, the right person, the right self. I fear it’s a drug that will swallow me.

Soon I won’t have to do “Fake it ’til you make it” because I’ll have made it!

A life long goal of romantic love… 🙂

This is happening because I can trust myself.

I worried that I’m oversharing this budding relationship on the blog.

Balancing radical honesty and healthy boundaries is tough.

I’m learning. This change has come so fast that I’m blown away at how amazing life can be with romance!

A dream is coming true… Be patient.

Christmas shopping in pandemic.

Yesterday I went Christmas present shopping.

It was time.

Hard to believe that Xmas is a week away.

I listened to Christmas music all yesterday and it felt right. I wasn’t rushed into it in November at stores because of the pandemic. It was time to do my presents shopping.

I usually buy presents throughout the year as spend time with people. I listen to things they say they would like, and I write it down to give them as a present.

I’m in the mood… I’m in the mood for Christmas.

Outside shopping right now is like choosing to be John McCain in Die Hard. To don your mask, and drive to a store to go shopping is to willingly put yourself at risk of contracting Coronavirus. I know because I was exposed at work despite everyone following the guidelines.

I took the risk because I’m tired of staying at home.

I feel like I have to consider the risk of the health risks of loneliness by being safe, or risk getting covid because of my natural human need to see the world, and be around my fellow humans.

I assumed stores wouldn’t be too busy on a Thursday evening.

Despite everyone in the 3 stores wearing masks and distancing, it was also a bit thrilling.

Sometimes the aisles wouldn’t allow 6 feet of space between you and the other person. Even with both of u having masks on, it felt dangerous. I took pre-pandemic life for granted. When all you had to worry about at the store was what you were going to buy as a gift for a loved one… Without the risk of dying yourself.

I have a love-hate relationship with Xmas. I love gift giving, wrapping presents, and being with family. One of my love languages is gift giving. I enjoy getting presents for people that gives them joy. I hate the consumer-capitalist aspect of Xmas. So, I like to be a sly shopper while buying what people want for presents.

This Christmas is lean for me. Problem is, is that I have so many new friends in my life that I want to give a present to. And I want to do something for all my family members who stepped and supported me this year.

Time to get creative.

Another day in the pandemic. Where all we can do is be patient and do the best we can with what we have.

I hope I get a new job by the end of the year.

Not gonna lie, getting presents is awesome. What I want most for Christmas is to be able to spend quality time with my family and friends without fear.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

A cold, coronavirus, or pandemic fatigue?

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Today, I’ve slowly felt more exhausted over time. I hope this isn’t from covid. I haven’t had the energy to do anything but watch football games. I did some stretching earlier in the day, and that helped a little bit with my sore muscles. There isn’t a reason for this exhaustion or sore spots. Hopefully this congestion I have is due to allergies.

Maybe my body is finally processing the stress from the 2020 election since the Supreme Court threw out a recount in Texas. It won’t feel real until January 20, 2021 when Biden becomes president.

Symptoms:

  • Fatigue
  • Muscle soreness
  • Congestion

That’s 3 symptoms of coronavirus according to the CDC. It’s now been 8 days since I was exposed at work. I’m still waiting on results from the test I took on Friday. So, I’m staying positive, hoping for a negative!😅😷

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/symptoms-testing/symptoms.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fcoronavirus%2F2019-ncov%2Fabout%2Fsymptoms.html

Online dating:

Last Sunday, I deleted my Tinder account. Overall, I had 4 matches with real people, and 8 with fakes. Of those 4, only 2 actually met my preferences. 1 ghosted me after a little bit, and the last one I’m still talking to.

I felt like deleting it because I hadn’t had a new match in weeks. I didn’t feel like paying another $10 on top of the $30 monthly fee for super likes. It felt like most of the women I swiped were super popular users. So the only way to stand out was to pay more just to be able to send a message. No thanks.

In Tinders place I’m trying Bumble and Hinge (again). I’ve had a Bumble account for a while, with no luck… Until today when I discovered I had a match. 🙂 I swiped right today, so now I have to wait 24 hours for her to message me. Seems to be the story of 2020… Patience and waiting.

December blog marathon posts:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Sonder Meander

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Life is a puzzle. Some days in life, puzzle pieces match up witin and you learn something.
Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

Sonder:

As I sat down to my computer and logged into wordpress, I checked the blog email and notifications and had a moment of clarity.

Fellow Blogger Zoewiezoe says it best in her post today:

“(didn’t realize I was coming off as that much of a wreck? But just fyi – I’m actually doing quite well all things considering – the dark tone that works so well in blogs is not my general state of being all day every day )”

https://zoewiezoe.com/2020/12/12/the-misery-habit/

For a while now, I’ve been doing blog posts with little editing, thus little awareness of how I might be perceived by readers. For these marathon December posts, I’ve been writing them by the seat of my pants. Straight from the heart because I guess as I write this, I’ve had a goal to be vulnerable and honest. Basically, practicing doing this through my values than choosing decisions from emotions. Every post is a slice of my life and state of being at that time. Whatever emotions are most alive in me as I write.

Growth is uncomfortable:

I like I’m a metapod this year, and in the process of evolving into Butterfree.

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.”

James Baldwin, Source.

Sometimes what we need is a pick me up from others. Especially right now in our socially-distant-pandemic-world-society.

“I think you’re really brave to put that kind of information about yourself out there and I know it can be depressing –the reality of life and stuff– but I think you’re in a good spot even if you don’t feel like that. Writing about how you feel can help you feel like realize how you actually feel maybe I don’t even know dude.”

My long time friend, Gus, who wrote a lovely email to me with this gem in it.

Meander:

Where do we go from here? What can I do to radically change my life with what is available to me with what I have? Right now, I don’t know. For now, for today, I need to restart self care. I haven’t had a long walk in a few weeks. I can’t remember the last time I had a really long meditation. Nobody else can answer what I need most right now, I have to discover this on my own. Mindfulness meditation for insight it is:

Some days in life, puzzle pieces match up witin and you learn something.

December blog marathon posts:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Depression, Gratitude, and a Break.

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Depression:

I feel that I need to say that I am doing better today compared to Sunday, the previous blog post.

Some posts are a reflection of my well being for the day posted, and others are my feelings for that week. The last post was how I felt on the 25th. While I struggle with depression, thanks to my commitment to mental health, the depressed days are happening less and less. I thank therapy, medicines, and changing my unhealthy behaviors/thoughts as the reasons why I’ve grown so much this year. I am suffering less from depression because I am fighting it. I have this wall that I can’t overcome without proper medicine regarding depression. Half is something that can only be managed with the anti depressant I take. It took me trying 12 others (Which breaks down to 1-3 months adjusting to the medicine, another 1-2 to taper down if it doesn’t work to avoid nasty side effects, rinse repeat. Add in the horror of the cost of some medicines, and American health insurance companies being selfish monsters, and its a nightmare. This makes working for bettering your own health a battle against two enemies, your condition(s) and the healthcare system.) before I found the medicine that my body responds to, that works. Depression is a medical condition that happens in our brains that changes the hormones it produces. Having depression is like having a constant bully that is yourself, that knows all your weaknesses and insecurities, and does everything it can to stop you from being better. Just like the classic Sun Tzu quote from the Art of War, it’s a losing battle of attrition.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

So, I’m not going to quit writing or blogging. My body is telling me that I need a break to recharge, so after this post I am going to take a break for a couple weeks. I’ll keep people up to date on the blog Facebook page.

Gratitude:

Sometimes what you need is a helping hand to help you. Yes, we need to be self sufficient and stand on our own. That said, everyone needs help at times. So I want to give back by acknowledging these people:

First I would like to recognize my Mom. While we live together and can drive each other crazy at times… She is always there for me at my worst. She taught me how to be an advocate for my health for me before I could. I would not be here without her. She checked up on me that night as soon as she read the post. She told me again that I can always talk to her, and that she cares for me. Thanks Mom!

Second is my lifetime friend and brother from another mother, Gus. He sent me an awesome email -The first fan mail sent to the blog email! – Checking up on me, relating to the post, and empathizing with the struggles I wrote about. I feel this summary diminishes how touched I was to read his emails and what it means to me that he did that. I want to keep this private. In it’s place I feel that Gus deserves more recognition as a modern day renaissance man with serious chops as a musician (You can check out his album on Bandcamp here) and as a writer for the South Seattle Emerald here.

Third is blogger Olivia. I am a little shy to say that I follow and enjoy her because it’s a NSFW BDSM blog. You know what? I’m a 34 year old man and I have needs. Erotic literature is one way to satisfy this… Anyway, she left this nice comment, and sent an email!

Olivia, thank you for the lovely email! I am so touched you felt concerned for a total stranger and my well being! It’s the first fan email from a blog follower! 😀

Last but not least! Is blogger nopassingfancy. In her own words from her gravatar:

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We’ve been following each others blogs for a while, and its really nice to chat with her! And she posted this lovely comment on Sunday 🙂:

Link to her blog! https://nopassingfancy.wordpress.com/

I never thought that online comments and email would make me so happy!

One gift that 2020 has taught me is that there are good people in the world. it would be a crime not to appreciate this. I hope I didn’t miss thanking anyone in previous post comments…!😬 If I did, please forgive me.😷 Thank you everyone who comments and follows the blog!

Post continued below…

Good old Facebook memes that describes me lately!

My fellow Americans, the election is on November 3, 2020 in 5 days! Don’t forget to Vote! Here is how to register and find how to in your state!:

https://www.usa.gov/register-to-vote

Positives. I had my second full shift of work yesterday at my new job at Clēēn Craft. My job is to pack cans of hemp infused sodas into cardboard trays from the canning machine and onto wood pallets for orders. It’s a physical, repetitive job, but I like it! For now the job is seasonal, one day a week with potential to grow into more depending on sales of our products. I like my coworkers, and I feel I am keeping up with work, doing well despite mistakes. The job is the challenge I need. It’s nice to give all I have to succeed one work day at a time. After being unemployed since January, it’s nurturing to work at a job I like.

If you would like to try the sodas we make, you can get them on Amazon here:

https://amzn.to/2TBT9PC

Or, through the company website for anyone in the world:

https://cleencraft.com/shop/

A Break:

Based on the last blog post, I need a break from blogging. Life has been tough the past month. I didn’t realize how tough until working through it in therapy on Wednesday and Thursday. This October I: had a covid test to be safe (It was negative but I had to wait a few days for results), Had to bring Coconut to the vet for the first time, had a job interview over zoom that went well but I did not get, had a job interview for a job I did get, start a new job after being unemployed for 8 months, and do all this while grieving my grandfather’s passing. All that without the stressful shitstorm that the U.S. is right now. It’s no wonder I crashed this past week.

While 2020 has been a year of inner growth, it’s felt like hell at times. After years of feeling like I’m stuck and not growing as a person despite fighting to be better, my life is progressing. Continuing my quest for my own Holy Grail: being mentally healthy, being accountable, and living a full life. I need to focus on self care, and give myself permission to be human. Rest is as important to action in growth.

A lesson my therapist taught me is to not personalize mental illness. Don’t say: “my depression”, say: “the depression I am experiencing.” This gives power back to you by treating depression as a medical condition that is treatable.

This video is a helpful reminder of depression symptoms, and shows how people without depression can help:

I blog about my feelings, my problems, the mental illness I manage because it’s empowering.

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So, why do I blog? Why do I write? What’s the point?

I blog because it helps me work through things. Blogging for everyone to see makes me accountable. I write about my problems because I hope that maybe it will help someone else struggling. To overcome fear, shame, ignorance, and problems, you have to face them. Change is hard. I need a break from blogging. I was reminded of the Cowardly Lion today when “If I were King of the forest” from the Wizard of Oz movie soundtrack. Sometimes all we need is a little Courage. I have three posts planned for the near future, and after that I’ll take a break from blogging for a few weeks.

Music of the post:

Chains and Things by B.B. King
You’ve got a friend by James Taylor
Walk by Foo Fighters

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

( 11/01/20: Made a few edits for clarity!)