Moving Mountains
I’m seeking a new mountain to climb.
I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.
https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/existential-blog-crisis/
TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.
The problem now…
I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?
Am I really mature enough?
Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.
I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.
Am I ready for a different life?
I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.
I’m not happy with my life.
I’m tired of “just existing.”
I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.
The state of the world has worn me out.
Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.
I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.
Read the article below and had an epiphany.
I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.
No wonder I’m going crazy.
I’m both of the following:
The Love Addict
From above article
If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.
So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.
“The Love Avoidant
Same article
If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.
An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that
Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs
Intimacy is smothering, and
I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much
You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.
Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.
Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”
I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)
Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!
Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️
Is my purpose for suffering?
Maybe I am a monster.
I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.
I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.
I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?
What have I done?
I hope it’s not too late.
😦
I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains
“I change myself, I change the world.”
Gloria Anzaldua Source
Have I really changed for the better?
Why do I keep fucking up?
I’m the problem.
Nobody is going to save me.
Nobody is going to stop me.
I’m on my own.
Are there pebbles I can move to get rid of this mountain range?
I don’t deserve better because I haven’t achieved better in life. All anyone is, is this current moment. Right now.
Will you keep making excuses, or will you do something about yourself, your life Reilly?
Be a man and move some pebbles. Or languish underneath them while the stones pile on.
What’s wrong with me?
Who are you going to be?
I hope this post isn’t a mistake…
Great. I’m depressed. 🙃😥 Sigh.
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