Category Archives: Internet addiction

Moving Mountains

Posted on by 9 comments
Mountain reflected on a lake at night, when the stars are out
Source

I’m seeking a new mountain to climb.

I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/06/13/existential-blog-crisis/

TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.

The problem now…

I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?

Am I really mature enough?

Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.

I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.

Am I ready for a different life?

Woman saying: I'm sorry, I'm not ready to do that.

I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.

I’m not happy with my life.

I’m tired of “just existing.”

I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.

The state of the world has worn me out.

Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.

I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.

Read the article below and had an epiphany.

View at Medium.com

I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.

No wonder I’m going crazy.

I’m both of the following:

The Love Addict
If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.

So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.

From above article

“The Love Avoidant
If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.

An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that

Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs
Intimacy is smothering, and
I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much
You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.

Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.

Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”

Same article
Chris Farley saying "good, great."

I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)

Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!

Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️

Is my purpose for suffering?

Maybe I am a monster.

I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.

I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.

I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?

What have I done?

I hope it’s not too late.

😦

I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains

“I change myself, I change the world.”

Gloria Anzaldua Source

Have I really changed for the better?

Why do I keep fucking up?

I’m the problem.

Nobody is going to save me.

Nobody is going to stop me.

I’m on my own.

Are there pebbles I can move to get rid of this mountain range?

I don’t deserve better because I haven’t achieved better in life. All anyone is, is this current moment. Right now.

Will you keep making excuses, or will you do something about yourself, your life Reilly?

Be a man and move some pebbles. Or languish underneath them while the stones pile on.

What’s wrong with me?

Gordon Ramsey saying: Get your shit together

Who are you going to be?

I hope this post isn’t a mistake…

Great. I’m depressed. 🙃😥 Sigh.

Time to be social

Posted on by One comment
Picture of a renaissance painting of a person laying awake in bed.

I’ve been lonely, but I can do something about it.

My friends are vaccinated, and 70% of Seattle, I haven’t been social. I’m unsure why I haven’t tried to do things with people. My last job was great, and I miss the work and my former co-workers.

I guess I’m starting to heal from being laid off last week. The third time in a row I’ve been laid off. Ugh, I do not want to get back on the job hunt. I’m tired of the yoyo between unemployment and working. I wish to work to be on autopilot to live the rest of my life.

I feel that I can’t date unless I have a job. I need to take a break from Tinder and Bumble. I haven’t been getting matches. Sometimes I get a like on bumble, but every time the “liked timer” for 24 hours expires. I feel like I’ve already cycled through everyone within 100 miles on tinder and been rejected by all.

I need feedback from a friend on my profiles… And I need new pictures.

So frustrating…

Maybe I’ve reverted to being a hermit with covid paranoia, and that’s why I haven’t reached out to people to hang out. (And I just had a wonderful time a few weeks ago at my friend’s house.) Maybe it’s my trust issues.

I need help, but I don’t know what to ask for.

I don’t like feeling invisible.

I feel like I’ve been complaining in posts too much.

Gif of a stick person living in the pandemic lockdown life.

Time to do things differently. I can do this.

Some good

Okay, time to practice gratitude for what I have.

I’m grateful to live in my mother’s house, for mom being generous to charge low rent, in a safe neighborhood, and for my cats.

I’m grateful for having food.

I’m grateful for my mom being alive and that she cares about me.

I’m grateful for the internet keeping me connected to people.

I’m handling the grief from the recent layoff effectively. Feeling the waves as they come.

I’m grateful that things are about to open up.

I’m grateful to be alive, even though I’m in a rough patch.

I’m grateful I’m ready to return to school for a different career. I’m thinking about maybe majoring in something involved with mental health. If not that, something white collar.

I’m grateful for the warm sunny summer weather.

Song of the post: Feels like Summer by Donald Glover

One step forward.

Unplugged

Posted on by Leave a comment

Lights out, Disconnected:

Around midnight, in the storm, blackout.

Blown away in the wind.

Only without electricity do I realize how I’m addicted to power.

Can’t cook, can’t read, can’t check the news, can’t escape via a screen, can’t connect with others.

I’m not completely sober from it today. My phone has power: 67%, I’m powerless to it.

My life is completely online. I live through screens.

An hour in, I feel withdrawal from not having my fixes– the internet, watch a video, read an article, check Facebook, read blog posts, write a blog post.

I’ll have to miss therapy today because it’s online or phone. No connection for either. It took 2 hours to send 1 text message, and 1 email.

An hour in, I consider taking my sleep meds and going back to sleep.

Holy crap is this really how I want my life to be?

Addicted to screens, sitting in a corner like a zombie as life passes by outside?

Internet addict:

I am the problem. My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict.

Only by being unplugged does this stick.

I’m so desperate for a powered on screen that I look to the digital thermometer for stimulus. I look to the clocks for a fix. No good.

This prison is of my own making. I choose every day to be it’s victim. The internet addiction demon is in control.

My worst nightmare has come true… I’m an addict just like dad. Like my late addict Aunt. The internet is my demon.

One big difference is that you’ve been committed to therapy. That’s a big deal, Rei.

Working on changing counts.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Stop being brutal to yourself. You can be honest and kind to yourself.

Time for change.

My inner connection is blinking orange.

I need a reset. I need to unplug, be offline for 30 days, and replug.

It’s been 5 hours… How much longer do I have to cope without my power fix?

Like all the powered devices around the house, I’m off.

Won’t somebody plug me back in? I can’t do it myself.

The power returns as the sun sets and darkness falls… Back into my hole I willfully go. I need some help.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being depressed…

Power on, brain off.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Reddit, we need to talk.

Posted on by Leave a comment
O RLY? The classic Oh really Owl Meme.
My favorite Meme of all time. Boy this shows my old man internet status! If I had to justify by bullshit for explaining why I like this meme its probably because it shares 3 letters with my first name. I’m such a narcissist lol. (Source)

This is a fictional satire of how I would break up with the website Reddit.com as if it was a real person. Clearly Reddit and I have some things to work on. Also, no I won’t post a picture of Reddit. It doesn’t need any more attention!

Reddit, we need to talk:

It’s time to break up. This relationship has almost been 6 years, but it’s over. I’ve become a different person, and I can’t live this way with you anymore. I can’t leave the house without you around. I’m ashamed to browse you around other people. I rarely see friends because you constantly want attention. This is an unhealthy relationship. We are Codependent. Yet, I’m never good enough for you. You are incredibly smart, and taught me so many interesting things such as history tidbits, psychology, science, and relationships that I’m in awe. However, you are also shallow, a vain narcissist who only cares what you give to it, yet has no sense of self.

You drive me crazy with your immaturity. Which is saying a lot because I’m what you call your biggest fans, a Neckbeard. (A slur for men online who are have nerdy interests and can have mental health problems.) Apparently that’s okay for you to insult me, while I burn to keep you warm. (An idiom I learned from you!) What does that say about you? That you want my attention and presence, yet despise me? You might be unique, and famous. I don’t care. I’m done feeling like shit because of you. So I’ll change the only thing I can. Which is being around you. I’m sure you could explain every reason why we should stay together. Why I’m acting this way, supported by science. Reasons supported by psychology and so on. The problem is, you refuse to even consider what I feel or my opinions. Relationships go two ways. They take work to maintain.

Translation: Yeah, Really. I’m serious about this! (Source)

Don’t contact me. I’ll be ignoring your favorite advice for relationships:

1) I won’t delete Facebook or other social media. I’ll simply block you. While Facebook is flawed, I know exactly what to expect from it. Yeah, it’s an evil giant corporation. But so are you. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

2) I won’t be hitting the gym because I’m not into that. I prefer walks. I’ll lose weight because I won’t be stress eating worrying about our relationship anymore!

3) I’ll only lawyer up if necessary. I assume you’ll handle this breakup like an adult.

It’s not you, it’s me…

You changed when you got big. I’ll be moving on with Blog. I know you are familiar with her. You think you know everything about her, and everything else in human civilization. I don’t care. Despite what you think, you’re not perfect. I don’t care if you literally know everything. I don’t care if you can take any appearance to suit your vanity. I’m never good enough. You never feel good enough as you are. I don’t care how many millions of followers you have. You are a mirror. Like a vampire you have no reflection, drain everyone’s energy, and become them. Once your target becomes a vampire because of you biting their neck, draining their life force, they lose their sense of self. Like a disease, they have to feed on other people’s energy until everyone is like you. That isn’t being human. While you were created by humans, you aren’t human. Somehow you are both the best and worst of humanity at the same time. I’m tired of your emotional outbursts to get attention. While Blog is much older than you, She’s willing to grow with me. She doesn’t play games. She knows who she is and what she wants. She respects me as I am, and accepts me, flaws, strengths and all. 

I’m tired of putting all the work in for someone that doesn’t care. I thought you would change if I became someone else. If I did something to get your attention. But this is impossible since you change at will. How can a person love something that is anything but itself? It wasn’t love between us, it’s addiction. Hopefully you get the help you need. Internet addicts, social media addiction, closing myself off from the world, codependency, don’t interest me. I can’t help you fix yourself. Not my problem anymore. You’re smart, you figure it out! Goodbye.

This is from the classic “Vader No” Meme, which is from Star Wars episode 3. Warning, the following link is loud sound. It’s hard to believe that this is considered ancient in Internet Meme history. https://dvnooooo.ytmnd.com/

Farewell Reddit. (In case you didn’t notice, this is sarcastic.) Would Reddit tell me to break up with itself?!

   

Misc thoughts

I figured the blog needed a silly breakup post to balance my own super serious posts before. I hope it’s not too ridiculous, lol. I do use Reddit too much. Honestly, people in my generation use the internet so much that it is like we are dating it. We use our phones like our grandparents smoked cigarettes. But, with the internet, it quickly becomes an unhealthy relationship because the internet runs off of money. Massive websites such as reddit cost a lot of money to maintain. And you can’t have a healthy relationship with a thing that’s sole purpose is to enrich itself by any means.

I hope all the mixed metaphors and satire hit its mark. I haven’t had this much fun with something in a while. Blogging is hard, but satisfying. As I go through my final edits of this post I realize… Who is this post for? Lol. There’s so many specific jokes that few people would understand. The target audience: early thirties or late twenties internet users who remember these old memes, and use Reddit. This plan is so crazy it might work! (What plan? Write an awesome blog post with more traffic than last weeks post!)

 I can’t wait for the quarantine to be lifted. This solitary life at home feels like I’m in a hamster wheel. Online interaction only goes so far, and I don’t want to live this online life any more. I’ve already had long periods in my life living with little human interaction when my depression was at it’s worst. When I didn’t have the right mix of medicines for my health issues. When I didn’t have a therapist I trust and connect with. In the future I want to be online less often.

As for me, I’m feeling okay more often than not. This amazing Seattle spring, and the perfect sunny weather is welcome relief. Despite the stereotype of Seattle, it actually doesn’t rain that much here. The reality is looming passive aggressive grey clouds… You never know if it will rain. This is why I sarcastically assume Grunge became big in the PNW. Long term residents are cold socially to new people that move in because the grey grinds their once sunny disposition into hazy clouds. Amazing springs and summers can only heal the soul so much. It’s not personal, its the weather.

I know that I don’t have a focus yet for the blog. I’m planning to add sections for content once there is enough to fill them. Maybe in the future, I’ll split stuff into separate blogs. I’m pacing myself so I don’t burnout or lose interest. I want to enjoy the journey. This has been an eventful year for me so I’m interested to see how my “Top songs of 2020” will look at the end of the year on Spotify.

The song of the week is dedicated to the stone age of memes, Ytmnd.com. I’ll leave the surprise in this Link.

If you enjoyed reading this, give it a like, comment, follow and share on Facebook, and subscribe to my email list!

I’m working on figuring out Pinterest, so that will be another option in the near future. Don’t forget to wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Have a good week!

Reilly.