Category Archives: My Self

April Springs Anew

Posted on by 2 comments
Shout-out to the people who haven't felt okay lately but get up every day and refuse to quit. You got this

It feels like a new chapter in life

Soon as I recover from long covid (gotta stay positive and wish for the best), I need to move. It’s been a goal of mine for years. I haven’t due to my mental health and constantly being in survival mode for work. A mix of Murphy’s law and things not working out. Life…

That’s settled in the past. I feel stable and confident with life again. (It’s been a long time since I felt like this. So long it feels unusual but familiar). I have work concerns, and I’m anxious about the managers’ meeting, but that’s normal, even for a good job. I like where I’m at—finally, the right thing at the right time. There’s a rumor that the trimmer crew will be moving up to the farm, which is about a 90 minutes drive (or longer during rush hour). That includes me in this new manager job. I’ll find out this week. I don’t want or like a long commute. I want to keep working at this company, so it’s a condition I am willing to accept. It will give me the motivation to go forward with moving.

(I had a playlist, but it looks like its only showing a preview. So… I had to redo it on youtube.)

Photo of a blooming cherry tree in a park, shot from the driver's side of a car. In picture is the driver's side mirror, giving a perspective of past and future.
Photo of a blooming cherry tree in a park, shot from the driver’s side of a car. In picture is the driver’s side mirror, giving a perspective of past and future.

A change of scenery

It’s long past the time I move out. I’ve felt this way before. I couldn’t do anything about it because of not have work I could emotionally rely on. This is the only home I’ve lived in. The only place I’ve lived. I need to be on my own. I’ve been here too long; I don’t feel like I belong in this neighborhood. Seattle feels stale to me too. There are many other places which would be better. Rent will be expensive, but I am capable of making it happen. It’s going to hurt leaving the family cat, Lucy. I’ll miss Lucy so much. It’s going to be painful to break her heart. I will have to split up Lucy and Coco. I will miss mom, but I can come to visit. Not sure if Lucy will forgive me, being a cat. Eventually, I want to adopt a second cat for more company and a (hopefully) buddy for Coco.

I have to do this. I’ve noticed that when coming home from work, I feel progressively worse as I get closer to home. I’ve seen a constant low depression/anxiety/ and uncomfortable feeling being home with no reason to. I can be myself there at work, outside here at home, not. It’s simply not the place for me any longer. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t feel I can be the best version of myself here. Or live the life I want. I’ll still be me, and wherever I go, there I am. I’ve changed, and the neighborhoods changed. We’re on different paths.

With the covid situation here improving and my health improving, I can finally start toward this goal. It’s been one setback or letdown after another over the past four years. I can also have a social life and become more comfortable with the autistic pieces of me. Some things are not the same over zoom versus in person. I’m already experiencing this at work as I open myself up to others and feel safe.

This was the first Saturday where I felt an average amount of exhaustion. We did deep cleaning at work on Friday for a couple of hours, which was necessary. Once again, my boss showed up ready to do the dirty work with supplies and lunch—mad respect for that. I think the detailed cleaning triggered physical fatigue. So, while my physical condition is improving, and the day to getting boosted is close, I still got to be mindful.

Damn you long covid!

I haven’t been able to forgive myself

Tweet: Got to accept shit for what it is even if it's not what you want it to be.

For the relationship war crimes, I committed to a former friend. I’m guilty.

I don’t want to feel like this. I like this pain to be over. After two years, the pain has slowly lessened, but it comes up if I’m triggered or have flashbacks.

I don’t like hating myself for how badly I let my feelings get the best of me.

I’m tired of this loop replaying in my mind.

I don’t like being stuck in the past with this.

I have and am doing the work to being a better human and working on myself, communicating my needs, listening, and being mindful of others’ needs and addressing the grief, the ruminating thoughts, and fighting back against it.

I’m not a victim. I’m human. I make mistakes. I learn from them, at my own pace. This is due to me. I am responsible for that.

I can’t change the past. I can change the present and, therefore, the future.

I want this suffering to be over.

This is my mess, my journey. My choices led to this point. I have to remind myself to keep moving forward. Let me face my feelings and experience each moment. This is the consequence of my actions.

That relationship is broken and can’t be fixed. It’s far too late for that. All I can do is continue to change my behavior to be a better human in the future. I have since and continue to be, better.

These shame-powered flashbacks are setbacks and not full-stop roadblocks. I must remind myself that these triggers are happening less and less as time goes on. It’s factor that I’m vulnerable to this rumination because of my body fighting long covid. It’s a rarity.

I watched Rocky Balboa recently… Kind of the perfect movie for my mood at the time, and not feeling physically well. This scene is an excellent speech about life.

Just have to keep getting up and moving forward. Lots of good is happening. It’s challenging because it’s inner growth. That is progress. I am grateful. Noticing “good” is just as important as seeing “bad.” Keep moving forward.

Guilt, regret, resentment, sadness and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence. Eckhart Tolle.

I need to practice self-compassion and be kinder to myself. Having long Covid has been difficult. I’m not over it. Being mindful of my health has been a daily, hourly thing. Today has felt long, and I’m tired as I type this at 10:27 pm Wednesday. Yeah, you don’t have all life mastered or figured out. That’s okay. It’s okay to live one day at a time!

Another lay off 🤬😦🤦/The Mirror

Posted on by 8 comments
Itll be good to get a haircut and beard trim. I could lose some weight too 😜 😅

This post was written in pieces through this week and I had a different plan in mind. Friday at the end of work changed it.

Layoff number 3 in a row.

First reaction in my head while learning about the layoff.

Unfortunately I called it before it happened. I saw the signs… Grim face on my boss after he read an email on the PC in the work area… A mysterious announcement at the end of work, then, calling people one by one to meet with them. All signs I saw before at my last two jobs, which I was laid off from. I happened to be the last to find out as I was the last person called in.

I think I had a good poker face in the exit interview. Kept it professional.

3 lay offs in a row… Really life?

I’m fine. Or as my family joked after dad died: Fine = Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Fuck. It’s painful to be laid off as is. 3 times in a row. 🤬 My emotions are a raging torrent inside. I dunno if I have it me to work another two weeks. It ain’t like they (former employer) treated me unkindly… –Like the lyric from Don’t think twice by Bob Dylan– But I have limits. I recognize that the wound is fresh, and I’m hurting from this loss. But I feel this would be self harm. I deserve better. I refuse to put up with people or things that hurt me.

Unfortunately, there aren’t that many cannabis job postings for the same job in my area right now. So I’ll give this employer one week because they’ve been good to me. I have a barber shop appointment at a place close to work. I have unemployment left, thanks to the extensions.

Maybe I’m handling this situation calmly because I’ve set appropriate boundaries with work. It’s a conditional relationship, and a capitalist relationship. I have to do what’s best for me as a worker, because we are replaceable. I don’t have to show up tomorrow if I don’t want to. I have FU money. (Well, poverty level FU money. 😅 I wish I had rich person FU money, lol )

For the first time since last year when I chose values for myself, I am in a values conflict. So I’ll work one more optional week because it helps me grow as a person. This last week showing up with my best for someone else will help my future self show up best for me. I deserve it. I deserve to be treated well, and treat myself well.

I have one job lead for a cannabis retail job, but it’s not ideal. I am grateful for this from my friend Chris. Retail work is not something I’m naturally good at. Extraverted jobs are a natural weakness for a typical introvert like me. (Correction: two job leads. My cousin that I consider my older sister… Needs my help next month. The job is to help her with my aunt’s house. )

Maaaaan… Things were starting to look up, so being laid off is frustrating. I feel betrayed by my employer.

But… This quote from Models by Mark Manson (who quoted this from No more Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover) has been playing in my head since Friday:

“What if it (any difficult situation in life) was a gift?”

Robert Glover, No more Mr nice guy.
I hate this quote at times because I’m tired of “losing” in work.

The Man in the Mirror

I’m not satisfied with the reflection of myself right now. That’s on me. I can do better, and I want to do better. This is from a position of peace of mind, not insecurities. I want to have the best possible life I can, for me first, then others. I am enough. I can do better, too. I’m ready.

Despite the chickens dying last week, life has been pretty good. Pretty much sleep, work, eat, play with cats, smoke a bowl of pot, go to bed early because I’m tired, sleep.

Ready to integrate, to have a social life again.

An in person social life. It finally feels safe to hang out with people. I’ve been fully vaccinated for a month, yet still hesitant to reach out to friends while also feeling lonely. So, two weeks ago, I set up an appointment at a barber shop. It’s the first time I’ll be going to one, and the plan is to get a professional haircut and beard trim. I haven’t had a haircut in over a year, and frankly look like a scraggly hobo. I don’t like feeling this way.

I’m feeling over cutting my hair myself. A plus of the pandemic is that I learned that I like having long hair, and a long beard. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be worried about my appearance, and how great it feels to look the best you can. I deserve to treat myself and take care of myself for myself first, because I’m worthy. Get a goal, I get to practice self care, get to practice feeling enough, and I get to go out and socialize with new people in a new place. My future self will thank me.

Figured out new things to work on myself

  • Professional Haircut and beard trim. (Tired of cheap cuts and the inconsistency)
  • Clothes. I need to sort through what I have. I’ve remembered what it felt like to dress well, and feel proud of myself for it.
  • Hangout with friends and meet new people.
  • Need financial advice for my plans to get a car, and move out likely to an apartment.
  • I’d like to join an ultimate frisbee group/team. And/or a muy tai gym… I enjoyed some muy tai classes last year with my brother and a friend. (The obstacle to this is if they’re open now, and if they require being vaccinated. I don’t want to risk getting covid in an enclosed space grappling with people who aren’t vaccinated.)
  • Go out into nature. Like once a month. Hiking or whatever.
  • It’s been years since I last saw a game in person in the Seattle stadiums. I haven’t been to a Seahawks game at Lumen field before. Been like seven years since my last Mariners game. To be fair, they’ve sucked for years. Being a Mariners fan is painful at times. I’d like to go to a Seattle Kraken game this season. They’re a new expansion NHL team, and this is their first season. I don’t know much about hockey, so this will be fun to learn.
  • Want to get my first tattoo. Then see how I feel about another after some time. I’ve wanted to get a tattoo and had it in the back of my head for years.
  • And of course, dates and dating. I’m getting used to the reality that this is a marathon. I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I’m okay with self improvement.

The next step: change from a pandemic hermit.

So, back to dressing well to feel good, get a new look, do activities that interest me, and learn to be a friend. Back to the self work I had as a goal before the pandemic.

It’s time to see friends, and lead by example. I have to follow through on reconnecting with all the people in life. I miss many people, and the pandemic really clarified what I will have with boundaries and values.

Saturday update: I went and hung out with my friend Chris at his house. It was a wonderful time. It was a cookout for his birthday, so we smoked, I met a friend of his, and his gf, and we chilled. They have 4 dogs, and two cats, so I got to visit them too. It felt weird going to an indoor place without a mask, even though everyone is vaccinated, but after a little bit it felt normal. It felt good to be comfortable with friends again. Oh yeah, and he had Pepsi Blue! I thought it didn’t exist anymore, but it does! So I drank 3 sodas while hanging out Saturday. It was like drinking a time warp to sophomore year in highschool. When I’d drink this after snowboarding.

Monday edit: How could I forgot to mention… I got to meet my friends infant daughter. It was the first time in my life where I was able to interact with a baby… Without the baby being forced on me, or I’m guilt tripped for not wanting to hold the baby. I like and am good with kids. Don’t force it on me. One, it crosses a boundary by entering my physical space, and Two, I want to experience things in life on my own. I don’t have to have the same experiences my parents had.

So, this nice experience with my friends daughter helped me with this.

Feels weird to think that I can resume a social life. Today, I feel like a massive weight was lifted. I’m not feeling lonely as I have felt for a while.

Friends are awesome 😎.

Now that things are safe because people are getting vaccinated, and in person activities are resuming, so shall I. My future is outside, in the world.

Some dating success

I’ve been texting this lady for a couple weeks. I’ve asked her out for different date activities, but she’s been busy. She’s sent pictures (and I’ve found no signs of a catfish yet), and been responsive to messages when she has time. I’m remaining hopeful for the best… While being cautious to protect my heart. I’m showing up, being vulnerable, and growing from past mistakes in this dating phase. I am enough. I am worthy.

Losing my job is frustrating because I feel like I can’t date without a job, but maybe that’s just insecurity. Maybe this person will be the exception and not dump me.

I’d like to give a special shout-out appreciation to the WordPress community, and fellow bloggers. You’ve been an awesome support since the beginning. I’m so grateful for you. Thank you.

And as always, Thank you everyone who read this post, and follows this blog! Was there a time you looked at yourself, accepted who you were, and knew you could do better, for you?

My 2020 in Spotify

Posted on by 3 comments
All image rights belong to Spotify. Source

Every year, Spotify, my choice of music app, gives every user a playlist of the top 100 songs you listened to over the year. Until now, it’s been a neat bonus to see how you were feeling in that year. Whenever I’m in a nostalgic mood, I like to turn on the lists I have from 2017, 2018, and now 2019. 2020 was crazy in the US, and the world with the Corona virus pandemic. So, I’ve been waiting to listen to this since March. It’s cool that Spotify gives you this for December.

I’ve never had a year like 2020. On one hand, a large portion of this year was utter hell for me. Going through an ugly friendship breakup in an ordinary year is hard enough. This in a pandemic year where you can’t visit friends or family, can’t safely go out and do social activities, and everything is online has to be a layer of hell. Despite all the bad, I feel looking back that this will be a positive year.

On the other hand, because I finally got the support from therapy, I’ve had great personal growth. I still don’t feel like I have my shit together, but hey, progress is progress. I have been working on my problems this year, and not been a total potato while unemployed. Nothing like being laid off, and the world shutting down 2 months later. Thankfully I got unemployment. At this point, life is one day at a time.

On initial glance of this list because I just discovered this list today, my impressions are: Nostalgic, wistful, angry, depressed, heartbreak, Chillin, Shock, delusions, glimpses of a new life.

This playlist might as well be a glimpse into my soul.

My life on Spotify, summed in 6 hours, 58 minutes. While I doubt anyone will listen to all 7 hours, hopefully I can introduce a new song or two you haven’t heard before. Anyway here’s my Spotify top 100 of the year:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

December Goal: Post 31 days in a row!

Posted on by One comment
From Mt Rainier wonderland trail.

It’s time to set more goals. The first I set in a long time was to go on 1 date by the end of the year in this post: https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/11/14/goal-go-on-1-date-before-2021/ .

This year, I have focused on self improvement. It’s been my major goal for a long time to be mentally healthy, and I finally was able to break through this year thanks to having a therapist. Thanks to having professional support and guidance. Thanks to the right mix of medications. I’m not perfect, and I have things to work on, and that is okay! Finally my hard work and persistence is paying turning into massive positive change. Finally I’m turning into the person I’ve always dreamed I could be.

Though 2020 has been really hard, I’m healing. I am recovering from my mental illnesses. Those that I can’t escape are managed. Lately I don’t even recognize this person that I’ve become. For a long time, I never thought that I would be enough as I am. That I would like to be around people. I didn’t think that I would like to talk to new people. That I would have so many cool people in my life I can call friends. I’m not alone, and I am comfortable being single, by myself. It would be awesome to have a girlfriend to share my life with. I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am an awesome person by myself. I can be my own friend and help myself. I am a recovering depressed person. I am a recovering Agoraphobic. I am a recovering hermit. I am a recovering Nice guy. I am enough. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and blaming everything and everyone else. I am responsible for myself and my life. I was watching Avengers: Endgame for the second time, and this quote really resonated:

“I Used To Have Nothing. And Then I Got This – This Job, This Family – And I Was Better Because Of It. Even Though They’re Gone, I’m Still Trying To Be Better.” -Black Widow, Avengers Endgame.

Source

Though this quote is about loss, I feel it really describes what the world currently feels like. Only interacting with friends, family, and people online isn’t the same. We are connected, but not. I really miss pre pandemic life. I took it for granted. Even before this, I was touch starved. Thankfully I’ve had kitties fill this void.

Thank goodness for my dear kitten Coconut.

It’s not like I wasn’t like I wasn’t hugged or had caring touch from family. I simply crave affection. The need for touch, intimacy, tenderness, and affection is a human need. Missing out on romance sucks too. It’s tough for me to admit this.

More on touch starvation:

“The COVID-19 pandemic has meant increased isolation for a lot of people. Even with lockdowns no longer as stringent as they were in March, many people are still working from home, minimizing their social outings, and avoiding intimate contact with people they don’t live with. The truth is, hand-holding, hugging, or kissing outside of your pod will probably feel risky until there’s a coronavirus vaccine. And for people who are super strict about avoiding that risk, that lack of contact can have a serious psychological impact, causing something called touch starvation.

Psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, Psy.D., L.M.F.T., tells Bustle that contact with peoples’s bodies, whether it’s the hug of a friend or interactions with hairdressers, massage therapists, ornail techs, can be a key part of our self-care — and when we’re deprived of it, we experience higher levels of stress. “This has had devastating impacts on the mental health of most of the population,” she says, pointing to the fact that the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) have found higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts across the U.S. since the pandemic began. “Even one long genuine platonic hug from someone we trust may be enough to help our mental and physical health.”

Source

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/touch-starvation-symptoms-ways-to-cope-experts

That said, I am working on my need for romantic connection as demonstrated by working on myself, and joining the limited online dating scene.

Current Goals:

  • Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
  • Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
  • Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
  • Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
  • Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
  • Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
  • Goal: find a long term career.
  • Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
  • Goal: hang out with friends.
  • Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.

Songs of the post:

Make yourself by Incubus.
Like a Rolling Stone, Live at Winterland, covered by Jimi Hendrix

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Exhausted… But a good week!

Posted on by 5 comments
Source: https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-low-fuel-gauge-image3795734

I am completely wiped out today. This past week was really busy. On an average week, I need at least one day to rest and not do anything strenuous to recover. This past week was really busy. I had a job interview on Monday and was hired on the spot. I started on Tuesday and worked 10 hours. I haven’t worked a shift that long since 2019. I was wiped out, sore all over on Wednesday, but it felt good to be productive!

My new job is for a startup hemp infused soda company called Clēēn Craft:

https://cleencraft.com/

For now I’m packing cans of soda into boxes and cardboard trays for orders. It’s a tiny company, so I’ll be taking on more as I learn everything about the business. I like the impression and vibe so far.

I apologize for the late post. To be honest, I’ve had trouble writing much the past few weeks. Between my grandpa dying, adjusting to a higher dose of my antidepressant, American politics because of the ineptitude of Trump, the invisible threat of corona virus outside, and working on improving my life… I’ve been exhausted. I need to do something different to refill the creative tank.

Despite the healthy exhaustion, this past week had some positive things happen!

  • I started a new job! I’ve only worked there a total of 2 days so far, but I really like it!
  • I got a really nice rejection letter from another infused beverage company that I had a zoom interview with last week.
  • I believe I was hit on by the attractive clerk at my local pet store, so that’s cool… :0
  • I am so glad I adopted my new 4 month old kitten, Coconut! She is very affectionate, loves to snuggle, and is a ball of energy that plays all the time. Such a good kitty!
  • I had a nice visit with My Aunt M, and Uncle D on Saturday. I haven’t visited with either in person in like a year! It really is so great to have the option now to do distance visits in person, even with masks on. The pandemic has made me really appreciate all the wonderful people in my life.
  • Also yesterday, I went to visit my brother N and my buddy N for my buddies kid’s 2nd birthday. From my aunt’s house it was a 90 minute drive, but I didn’t mind doing it. It was nice to drive alone for a long time. I listened to a couple parts of audiobooks, and had a wonderful visit. I got to meet my brother’s new puppy for the first time, and it was nice to visit with my Buddy and his family for the outside social visit… Distancing, and wearing masks. In person beats online every time.
  • On the ferry ride there, a pod of Orcas swam by. They were a good mile ahead of us, but that was a first time seeing them that close in the wild before!
  • It was nice to be around people again.

Writing this post has been an absolute grind. It’s been a one word at a time thing. Recovery days look like wearing pajamas, resting in bed or a comfy chair, and not doing anything.

Sorry this isn’t the best post. It’s a day late, and I feel a bit sloppy being a first draft… But there is no need to beat myself up like I have in the past. So, I think I’ll take an editing pass, and work on this some more tomorrow. I need to figure out some long term goals and direction for future blog posts. My life is changing for the better, this is the best I can do today. One day at a time…

Song of the week:

Running on Empty by Jackson Browne

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. I share updates and news if posts are late there. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.