Monthly Archives: June 2022

Close, but no Cigar

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Shadowed Man standing in turquoise waves staring at a setting sun in a tropical place.

Close, but no cigar.

“cliché A phrase said when one is almost correct or successful but ultimately fails. Cigars were once commonly used as prizes or awards”

Source

A Facebook Dating heartbreak.

I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.

In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…

But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.

Text: I broke my own heart loving you.

Relationship goals

My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)

It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.

I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.

This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.

Next time I’ll know.

The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.

I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.

If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.

Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.

I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.

I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.

Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.

Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.

Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.

I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.

I’m tired of online dating.

My healing journey isn’t over.

My dating journey isn’t over.

I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.

It’s time to start again.

I feel like shit today.

It sucks when things don’t work out. 😰

Ugh.

Song of the post: Summertime by Orville Peck.

Abortion is a right. It’s not right that it’s gone.

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I wish I could say that this is a surprise, but it isn’t.

Abortion is a right.

A woman’s right to choose is a right.

This supreme court decision is the first domino to a worse US.

Anyone who votes Republican is a monster. I’m done being nice.

I have little trust that my fellow Americans will make this right by showing up to vote in November.

Fetuses are not people.

In fact, this argument and the argument about how many weeks until they are human is built around the fact it can be measured by science. That isn’t how science works. You don’t get to pick and choose.

While we are on it, Covid is real, Vaccines are safe, to choose not to get vaccinated or mask up means you are a selfish asshole.

You can’t be pro choice and pro life with vaccines and abortion.

If you think you can get a choice not to get vaccinated, then you don’t get a say when a women chooses to get an abortion. You aren’t Pro Life if you feel you can get covid and spread it to others, causing them physical harm. Unlike Fetuses, coronavirus is real.

If you think abortion is murder, then I think you are a murderer for not being vaccinated. It’s murder to force birth, and not give any support to the child or the parents. It’s murder to not be vaccinated and be around children.

If you vote Republican, you don’t deserve any of the rights or benefits that liberals and democrats have fought for everyone since the start of this country.

You can only read this because schools exist, which are paid by tax dollars. Private schools exist because of government.

If it was possible to abort with a gun, Abortion would be legal. Not that you care what would happen to the mother after as we’ve seen in this debate. It’s always been about power and control over others.

So, no guns, no right of free expression of religion, no legal protection, no social security, no medicaid, no social security, no right to vote, no equality… Nothing. Not like you pay taxes or want to. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do in on your own. Oh wait, that’s impossible without voting or government.

Fucking go it alone.

Hate me because you don’t have a say? Because you don’t have a choice?

EXACTLY.

Existential (Blog) Crisis

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Yin yang symbol encarved on a white sandy beach by the ocean

Okay, so it’s not a crisis per se. Thanks to SEO and how people respond to clickbait, this is the title.

On Existential and Crises

An accurate title would be Existential Blog transition. This title is a play on words for its everyday use in the human extinction climate crisis. AKA, climate change.

It annoys me that Existential is used for the global, human corporate capitalism-caused climate change crisis. Our extinction is in progress, and I’m fed up with being nice about it. Or allowing it to be downplayed by Corporate Democrats (The “bitch or ho” to Corporate Pimps) and straight-up money sluts, Republicans. This isn’t about gender. If you sell out for money, these terms are apt. Both are equally at fault. This is how you use the word “both sides” in the United States. Aka, Both sides of the Corporate coin.

Existentialism definition: a chiefly 20th century philosophical movement embracing diverse doctrines but centering on analysis of individual existence in an unfathomable universe and the plight of the individual who must assume ultimate responsibility for acts of free will without any certain knowledge of what is right or wrong or good or bad

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/existentialism

This section from Wikipedia describes the existential crisis American is in:

“Existential crises have various negative consequences, both on the personal level, such as anxiety and the formation of bad relationships, and the social level, such as a high divorce rate and decreased productivity. They may also have positive effects by pushing the affected to address the underlying issue and thereby develop as a person. Some questionnaires, such as the Purpose in Life Test, can be used to measure whether someone is currently undergoing an existential crisis. Because of the primarily negative consequences, it is important that existential crises are resolved. The most common approach is to help the affected find meaning in their life. This can happen through a leap of faith, in which the individual places their trust into a new system of meaning, or through a reasoned approach focusing on a careful and evidence-based evaluation of the sources of meaning. Some theorists recommend a nihilistic approach, in which the individual accepts that life is meaningless and tries to find the best way to cope with this fact. Other approaches include cognitive behavior therapy and the practice of social perspective-taking.

Outside psychology and psychotherapy, the term “existential crisis” is sometimes used to indicate that the existence of something is threatened.”

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis?wprov=sfla1

I digress. I got a bit off-topic there and felt I had to rant about that before getting into this post. So, in summary, I was wrong about existential crises in this context. Yeah, climate change is an existential crisis in humanity’s existence.

I realize that this post isn’t SEO-friendly. Or I’m doing that thing in psychology where I’m I’m the one in an existential crisis. That was why I missed work earlier this week because of anxiety… I’m better; I have been doing better since then.

This is because life is going well… And I’m so used to it, not that I’m afraid even though I’m doing the right things.

Quote: That's the thing about healing; you heal into someone else. A completely new person, not even because you want to, but because of who you were, you could no longer survive. Let it go, and let a new you happen.
Gif quote: that's called a breakthrough.

The Existential Blog Crisis

I think it’s time. Time to give the blog an overhaul. I don’t feel that the current name satisfies any longer. I chose the unknown Reilly because when I started in March 2020, I was at rock bottom, and it felt like a novel. Because of the chaotic beginning of the pandemic, Because that was the most painful period of my life to date (Well, except for the summer of 2009. That’s another potential post.), the near future felt like an unknown. I felt like I didn’t know myself. America felt like (and more so today, I sure didn’t expect that.) an unknown. Life was a novel where I lived hour to hour, day to day.

No longer.

I don’t feel like I am, nor is life an unknown anymore. Of course, nobody knows the future. However, I feel comfortable moving forward because I know myself better 26 months later.

I un-un know now. (😅 Okay, okay enough with using the word unknown.)

So, I’m thinking of changing the name, the site design and layout, and the way of writing that reflects this. I feel that I’ve neglected these, and while I am frustrated that traffic and subscribers have stalled, the bottom line is that I can do better. I want to do the best I can because I like blogging. I want to do better because this makes me feel alive. I want to keep discovering. I want to fulfill the potential for greatness.

Im not giving up, and I haven’t run out of motivation. It feels fair to be the best you can be at something for its intrinsic value. I am doing it because I love to.

Gif quote: Kicking ass and taking names! That's how we do!

The problem is, that going back and fixing the (Holy shit) 136 posts would be expensive and time-consuming to correct to be SEO-friendly. I want to feel and see from the word press blog stats that the blog is developing. That’s fair after two years of posting. It’s frustrating to take the time to write what I feel is an excellent post, and few see it. Or it doesn’t add new subscribers. I need to figure out why.

I’ll find out slowly in my free time between working a full-time job and life. I wish I could afford to hire someone, but with 136 posts… That would be expensive. And… I do this as a hobby and don’t make money blogging. I’m not sure I want to blog or make money as a living blogging. I don’t want to repeat the mistake in the life of working a career I enjoy –I used to be a personal chef and worked in restaurants for years– then ended up resenting it or losing my passion because it became an obligation. So, I’ll proceed slowly. It’s tough to make a living writing or blogging… Like lottery odds. Anyway. Maybe in the future.

In conclusion, my current essential crisis moment is in the popular definition of the word… To find a new meaning based on the information I understand today. I’m aware of this and know what I need now. Whether to dive into it as a career or to be a writer of some kind as a living.

For now it’s an unknown.

Postscript.

I watched Iron Man 3 on Sunday, which has been a few years, and this speech Tony Stark gave at the movie’s end resonated with me. You can find it on YouTube if you search “Ironman 3 ending speech” since WordPress and YouTube are nitpicky about sharing. Spoilers…

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022

It’s an Anxiety day.

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This is a picture of the Siamese cat Coco playing in a box as she pops her head out. She disappeared inside a second later. I felt like a cute kitty picture would contrast this post.
This is a picture of Coco playing in a box, as she pops her head out. She disappeared inside a second later. I felt like a cute kitty picture would be a contrast to this post.

I just have to accept this.

I’m having one of those days where I’m too anxious to do anything. I woke up at my usual time of 5 am. I had a little less sleep than ideal… About 8 hours. With REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.

It’s one of those days when you wake up anxious.

I need a mental health day. (I did take a mental health day off work.)

Anxiety is telling me: “Dude. Rest. It’s not the time to figure out why. Your joints hurt, and your back aches. You need rest. You’ll figure it out.”

You’ll be better tomorrow. It is just one of those days. It’s been a long time since one of these days. I’m grateful and frustrated. It’s simply not a productive day. This is your best today.

Dude, I see you overthinking. You know where that leads. It’s okay not to feel well, and I need rest today. You’ve been doing great in life. Rest is important. You got this.

Today, be a potato.

Coco the Siamese cat, in a paper bag, playing. Sometimes, she moves from a box to a bag, to play in a different spot. I'm grateful you are so lovely, Coco. Such a sweet kitty. 🐱
Coco, in a paper bag, playing. Sometimes, she moves from a box to a bag, to play in a different spot. I’m grateful you are so lovely, Coco. Such a sweet kitty. 🐱

Self-Evaluation: Catharsis

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Man sitting on a rock near the shore of an ocean, staring at the sunset.

This is the conclusion to this post from May 24th.

Catharsis: discharge of pent-up emotions to result in the alleviation of symptoms or the permanent relief of the condition. Source.

Song of the post: “Nessun Dorma from Turnadot, sung by Luciano Pavarotti.

After delays, several days of anxiety… A result. (A week later, feeling normal.)

To begin, I am so over (in an intellectual sense) being sick. Feeling sick for no reason or exhausted.

Just as I think that long covid is gone, the flame is reignited. Damn, these nagging symptoms…

So. Gotta let it go. I need to accept that I am not feeling well and give in to this mysterious, chronic illness. Fighting against my body makes it worse. I can’t change this. It is what it is. 😷

I can acknowledge my emotions in my body and use therapy skills.

Worrying? That would be torture. At times, I talk to my anxious thoughts to gain clarity. Is this feeling something that I can act on? Is it a need that requires attention? Or is it unhelpful fear? What to do next? Decide how to proceed.

I use the following quote to ground myself when I recognize myself worrying. Or, also known as anxiety.

“Why. Worry? Worrying is praying for the thing you fear to happen. So stop worrying.”

Natalie Stavola, dating coach, youtube

I’m paraphrasing this quote and need to fact-check it. There’s also a concept in Zen Buddhism that supports this concept. To notice when you are hijacked by a feeling, acknowledge it’s happening, then choose how to proceed forward.

In the therapy world, it’s called The STOP skill.

Flashing stop sign
  • 1) STOP Everything.
  • 2) Take a moment. I like to close my eyes and breathe slowly.
  • 3) Observe within, as you would in meditation, what you are thinking and feeling in your body in the present.
  • 4) Proceed forward. Translation: this is when you decide what to do. Sometimes it’s just to remember that you always have a choice in your actions in life. Other times, it’s to redirect your thinking from unhelpful thinking, such as an anxiety blitz.

Results

Overall grade B+.

Need to work on communication, especially in text. I need a soft start because I’m direct. So direct that it comes across as cold and/or insensitive. Which backfires because the tone detracts from the message. This trait is common to be on the autism spectrum. My late grandma always said that I was so “literal.”

Okay, it’s autism, and I spent most of my life online on message boards, gaming, and my family dynamic.

I need to improve my leadership and inspiration. The trimmers want more leadership and inspiration from me. Part of this was due to how my direct supervisor and I were figuring out our roles the past 4 months and me stepping back to fit the chain of command.

I need to be comfortable asking for assistance from others in communication situations. How to approach or how to effectively communicate. Or recognize when I need to draft a message and wait on it. I said in the comments that I need to trust myself and be confident.

Once again, life relates the same situation to show me that I need to learn something. I need to learn to practice how to edit writing. And to write for the audience of the piece.

Solution: the app Grammarly. It’s built on an AI that gives you feedback on the impression your message gives. One word or how the message is structured makes a huge difference. Grammarly gives suggestions and specific tips as you type. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this advice, either. It was a tip by the lovely Pooja of Lifeisfinewhine.

(For those that don’t know, Pooja is a blogger from Kenya who writes about SEO/blogging tips, 6-word stories, poetry, and interesting slice-of-life posts.)

Conclusion: I’m doing fantastic at work.

I’ve already had a couple of opportunities to practice this new way of expressing myself, and it’s working!

I got a raise, and they accepted my idea of bonuses for high performers!

I love my workplace. After so many years of struggling in work and life, finally, I’m getting my needs met. I’ve grown so much in the past 6 months. I’m catching up on my emotional and communication issues that were impossible to work on in the socially distant phase of the pandemic. 😤🥰

Edit: Welp, so much for SEO practice. I scheduled this post for midnight instead of 11 am today. 🙃

Thanks for reading! Have you ever had a performance meeting at work? How was it? Tell me below in the comments!

Copyright TheUnknownReilly 2022.