After four long months, the start date for the Fall quarter is a month away. For now, it looks like I’ll get Fafsa funding to pay for school too, which means tuition should be paid for!
I say should because I got an email that says: (paraphrased for privacy)
“Congratulations! College has received your 2023-24 FAFSA or WASFA, which covers Fall 2023, Winter 2024, and Spring 2024.”
After this is a section called “steps”, which has an outline of the 4 steps of financial aid. I’m on step 2 of 4. Step 3 is to check my personal student page for follow-up paperwork and right now it’s showing something I’ve already emailed the financial aid office about this past week. If it’s not cleared by Monday (they’re only open Monday to Thursday), I’ll contact them again. And I scheduled an in-person appointment next week with an advisor.
I already know my plan or path to the degree I’m going for and have registered for classes for the next quarter. I feel this meeting will be helpful since getting to this point has been much more complicated than expected. The previous times I was in college, in 2008 and 2013, I remember it being easier.
Then again that was 10 and 15 years ago respectably.
I feel older, and only a bit wiser. 😅
In summary, things are moving along and the next journey is in sight.
There’s never been a perfect time for a cool overcast Seattle day.
I’ve been on a night owl schedule for about a month, and this heat has been oppressive. I haven’t felt able to do much but live in my room on my computer. Which… Isn’t much different than my usual behavior in cooler weather.
In this period of unemployment and isolation, I’m not okay with living this way anymore.
Not a healthy living
Anyway… Lately I’m feeling like I’m not suited for relationships.
Not for romance, not for friendships. My romantic life is nonexistent. I don’t feel entitled to one. I don’t feel like a relationship is worth the hassle, and I would have to change myself to a considerable degree to qualify for a healthy relationship. I badly want to be proven wrong and feel it is worth it. To feel capable of handling one.
I say this because I value my independence, peace, and autonomy.
This isn’t to say I don’t want friendship or romance. Or that I’m awful all the time when I’m around familiar people… It’s just that I don’t feel able to be emotionally available for either at this time in my life.
I understand that technically all of us have inherent value. I just don’t know why a woman would choose me over so many better men.
Maybe it’s the neurodivergence.
I’m self-aware enough to see myself and my life from the outside and understand I’m not a good choice for a relationship.
37, average man, and doesn’t have his shit together.
That’s not acceptable for a man of 37. I can do much better than this life. … Yet I’m frozen.
I was close to having my shot together in my last long-term job. The work felt meaningful until it didn’t.
But, I changed. My health took precedence, and time alone in March showed me that I had to move on to something else.
It’s been painful to move on and I’ve questioned saying goodbye many times.
The bottom line is that I can no longer work at a job that I have to disassociate or escape from in an unhealthy way by smoking weed everyday, or drinking to be able to do every day. Or by pushing my body to sickness from doing work that’s too much now.
Sigh.
Yes, I’m going to college in late September to get a new degree. But it will be a long journey to become a psychotherapist if everything goes as planned. Supposing that this plan works out for me, for once.
What I really need is…
Something all-consuming that keeps me away from my vices. Or something I’m so engrossed in or enamored by that I can’t help putting every minute of my time into. Both.
…
Maybe, this means that I’m close to a breakthrough.
I’m not writing this from a place of self-pity or feeling sorry for myself, as I have in the past.
I need something meaningful.
Can’t get anywhere without action. So, I’ll consider this entry as a controlled burn rather than a burn out.
This is how I have felt dealing with life recently
Or as known in it’s much more common use, the Pokemon move commonly used by the water type Pokemon Magikarp…
Sp is a move that accomplishes , wasted your turn and you wait for your opponent to attack on their assigned turn.
…It’s not very effective…
Magikarp has a purpose: evolve it to level 20 in Pokemon games and it turns into a Gyrados
Most of it’s moves are beam or anger based.
I’ve been feeling non-verbal and feel gifs are the best way to express myself.
Seriously.
I’ve gone feral and returned to a caveman state.
Not a good look.
I’ve lost motivation and a reason to make money other than the sake of paying bills.
Due to my health needs, it’s become difficult to find suitable work as I can only work part time and can’t do anything that’ll cause sensory overload or trigger chronic fatigue.
Which, turns out to be most entry level minimum wage jobs.
But, even if that wasn’t the case, it feels pointless.
I’m fed up with being a swan. I may look normal, but underwater I’m paddling for my life. (A quote from the TV show: Winning time, the rise of the Lakers dynasty)
I enjoy being a hedonist way, way too much.
The clock is about to run out/My wallet is about empty and I won’t have enough to pay for bills after this month. Even though it’s been 4 months being unemployed, mostly resting, and doing whatever I want to do, I knew at one point this would end and I’d have to grow up get a job.
Fuck I hate working. Especially when you make minimum wage (or paddling above starvation & unhoused).
And I got another 35+ years of this shit? 5-8 hours a day of suffering. Great…
I wish work felt as enjoyable and fulfilling as watching TV and playing games. Even then, I’m not really paying full attention to one thing. I’m usually scrolling on my phone or playing a game in another tab while something is on another tab.
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