I’ve been lonely, but I can do something about it.
My friends are vaccinated, and 70% of Seattle, I haven’t been social. I’m unsure why I haven’t tried to do things with people. My last job was great, and I miss the work and my former co-workers.
I guess I’m starting to heal from being laid off last week. The third time in a row I’ve been laid off. Ugh, I do not want to get back on the job hunt. I’m tired of the yoyo between unemployment and working. I wish to work to be on autopilot to live the rest of my life.
I feel that I can’t date unless I have a job. I need to take a break from Tinder and Bumble. I haven’t been getting matches. Sometimes I get a like on bumble, but every time the “liked timer” for 24 hours expires. I feel like I’ve already cycled through everyone within 100 miles on tinder and been rejected by all.
I need feedback from a friend on my profiles… And I need new pictures.
Maybe I’ve reverted to being a hermit with covid paranoia, and that’s why I haven’t reached out to people to hang out. (And I just had a wonderful time a few weeks ago at my friend’s house.) Maybe it’s my trust issues.
I need help, but I don’t know what to ask for.
I don’t like feeling invisible.
I feel like I’ve been complaining in posts too much.
Time to do things differently. I can do this.
Okay, time to practice gratitude for what I have.
I’m grateful to live in my mother’s house, for mom being generous to charge low rent, in a safe neighborhood, and for my cats.
I’m grateful for having food.
I’m grateful for my mom being alive and that she cares about me.
I’m grateful for the internet keeping me connected to people.
I’m handling the grief from the recent layoff effectively. Feeling the waves as they come.
I’m grateful that things are about to open up.
I’m grateful to be alive, even though I’m in a rough patch.
I’m grateful I’m ready to return to school for a different career. I’m thinking about maybe majoring in something involved with mental health. If not that, something white collar.
I’m grateful for the warm sunny summer weather.
Song of the post: Feels like Summer by Donald Glover
The past week has been difficult… Finally some wonderful news! My kitty– a blue point Siamese– turns 1 years old today!
It’s been a wonderful 10 months with her. She’s grown so much since I adopted her last August as a baby.
Ocoat the window by the door for me to get home.
She explores every possible surface in the house she can fit into.
She yowls whenever one of us is outside, moving from window to window to follow.
She liked to knock things off of desks and tables to play with it. Rocks, pens, nail clippers, twist ties, pennies, a bag of shredded coconut… If she could drag it down and play with it, she did so.
She likes to hang out with people. Coco likes to be close by my mother or me whenever we’re home. The first time it was safe to visit after being vaccinated, Coco was social with other humans.
Coconut is fascinated with our older cat Lucy. They have (what I imagine) a sisters relationship. Coco bugs Lucy, then backs off like nothing happened.
She loves to stand in open windows to look outside.
In the hardest year of my life, 2020, she was the breath of fresh air desperately needed. She accepts the world as is, and is fascinated by it.
Coco kept me grounded, kept me mindful, kept me sane, made me appreciate every day again.
Coco was a constant companion in every zoom therapy group, and therapy appointment. I showed her to the regular “social connections” group like a day after I adopted her. She grew up on camera as I grew as a person working on myself in 2020. I made sure to bring her in on camera for my last time in that group… Which was right before I was hired at my last job.
My previous therapist knew her, and would ask about her every appointment if Coco wasn’t around.
The most affectionate cat, or animal I’ve ever had. Has giant purrs every time you go visit her. We have this routine where she climbs up me while I’m on my PC, and presses into me for lovies, then settles into my left arm as I hold her curled up. Coco then nuzzles on my neck while kneading. (Like a baby kitten nursing it’s mother) Often into my beard… At times her claws get stuck in my skin, and I have to carefully remove it. (This can be really painful)
Her new thing is to beg to go outside. I recently bought her a leash to do so. I gave in after months of her begging to go out. I planned for her to be an inside cat, as I plan to move out, and can’t guarantee my next place will be safe for her to be out. I’m worried someone might steal her because cocos so friendly. She’s in heaven so far.
I love my kitty. Happy birthday Coco-nut! I love you Coco. ❤️ I’m so happy to adopt you into my family. Happy first birthday, hears to many more!
I want to say I was tricked, but that absolves me of blame. I fell for this. I’m upset because I was tricked. Frustrated because I fell for another catfish.
On the other hand, I’m like …fuck this! I’m not going to let a shitty person threatening me to control me. I’m not going to allow this bullshit to effect my dating or sex life.
Sexting turned into a video call with a naked woman on the other end. Things were sexy for a decent amount of time to not suspect what comes next.
She turned the tables and took a screenshot of me with my pants down caught red handed.
She threatened to expose me by mass messaging family members.
I feel kept my cool and reported for harassment and showing graphic stuff to people like nudes. Made a post on my Facebook wall, and story. Like this was so blatantly blackmail that I could be focused on protecting myself.
While I was doing this, the other person is threatening to spread the picture and a shot video of me (didn’t know about til then) in the act to everyone I know, and specifically my mom. I think I managed to block and report them in time.
I’m most baffled at the kind of human being that would do this to people! For money? Ugh. Just…. What the Fuck? What a monster.
I guess I’ve won for now. That was really scary. I’m assuming nobody has seen anything.
Somewhere out there online there might be the only nudes and sexy video of me.
I’ve never taken those kinds of pictures of myself before. Never felt the need to. In a way, I’m disappointed by that because I haven’t experienced that in a relationship yet.
( I don’t understand why guys 1) take naked pictures, and 2) send them to women on dating apps without consent or as the first message?)
I dunno if I should be posting about this. I feel stupid to be tricked, upset that I was harassed and threatened, violated because someone tried to shame me by turning on me and using my sexual needs against me.
I guess I needed to vent because I’m figuring out this hurt. I don’t know if this is grief or a long term problem?
Hm, I need to talk to a therapist.
This might be my fear or anxiety talking, but it feels right to post about it here. It’s a risky, weird post. (Am I making this situation worse, or am I overthinking it?)
It’s been really hard to stay positive lately. Fuckin life sometimes…
For the love of God, can I please avoid this ever again by being 5 years into a great romantic relationship?
This post was written in pieces through this week and I had a different plan in mind. Friday at the end of work changed it.
Layoff number 3 in a row.
Unfortunately I called it before it happened. I saw the signs… Grim face on my boss after he read an email on the PC in the work area… A mysterious announcement at the end of work, then, calling people one by one to meet with them. All signs I saw before at my last two jobs, which I was laid off from. I happened to be the last to find out as I was the last person called in.
3 lay offs in a row… Really life?
I’m fine. Or as my family joked after dad died: Fine = Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Fuck. It’s painful to be laid off as is. 3 times in a row. 🤬 My emotions are a raging torrent inside. I dunno if I have it me to work another two weeks. It ain’t like they (former employer) treated me unkindly… –Like the lyric from Don’t think twice by Bob Dylan– But I have limits. I recognize that the wound is fresh, and I’m hurting from this loss. But I feel this would be self harm. I deserve better. I refuse to put up with people or things that hurt me.
Unfortunately, there aren’t that many cannabis job postings for the same job in my area right now. So I’ll give this employer one week because they’ve been good to me. I have a barber shop appointment at a place close to work. I have unemployment left, thanks to the extensions.
Maybe I’m handling this situation calmly because I’ve set appropriate boundaries with work. It’s a conditional relationship, and a capitalist relationship. I have to do what’s best for me as a worker, because we are replaceable. I don’t have to show up tomorrow if I don’t want to. I have FU money. (Well, poverty level FU money. 😅 I wish I had rich person FU money, lol )
For the first time since last year when I chose values for myself, I am in a values conflict. So I’ll work one more optional week because it helps me grow as a person. This last week showing up with my best for someone else will help my future self show up best for me. I deserve it. I deserve to be treated well, and treat myself well.
I have one job lead for a cannabis retail job, but it’s not ideal. I am grateful for this from my friend Chris. Retail work is not something I’m naturally good at. Extraverted jobs are a natural weakness for a typical introvert like me. (Correction: two job leads. My cousin that I consider my older sister… Needs my help next month. The job is to help her with my aunt’s house. )
Maaaaan… Things were starting to look up, so being laid off is frustrating. I feel betrayed by my employer.
But… This quote from Models by Mark Manson (who quoted this from No more Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover) has been playing in my head since Friday:
“What if it (any difficult situation in life) was a gift?”
Robert Glover, No more Mr nice guy.
The Man in the Mirror
I’m not satisfied with the reflection of myself right now. That’s on me. I can do better, and I want to do better. This is from a position of peace of mind, not insecurities. I want to have the best possible life I can, for me first, then others. I am enough. I can do better, too. I’m ready.
Despite the chickens dying last week, life has been pretty good. Pretty much sleep, work, eat, play with cats, smoke a bowl of pot, go to bed early because I’m tired, sleep.
Ready to integrate, to have a social life again.
An in person social life. It finally feels safe to hang out with people. I’ve been fully vaccinated for a month, yet still hesitant to reach out to friends while also feeling lonely. So, two weeks ago, I set up an appointment at a barber shop. It’s the first time I’ll be going to one, and the plan is to get a professional haircut and beard trim. I haven’t had a haircut in over a year, and frankly look like a scraggly hobo. I don’t like feeling this way.
I’m feeling over cutting my hair myself. A plus of the pandemic is that I learned that I like having long hair, and a long beard. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be worried about my appearance, and how great it feels to look the best you can. I deserve to treat myself and take care of myself for myself first, because I’m worthy. Get a goal, I get to practice self care, get to practice feeling enough, and I get to go out and socialize with new people in a new place. My future self will thank me.
Figured out new things to work on myself
Professional Haircut and beard trim. (Tired of cheap cuts and the inconsistency)
Clothes. I need to sort through what I have. I’ve remembered what it felt like to dress well, and feel proud of myself for it.
Hangout with friends and meet new people.
Need financial advice for my plans to get a car, and move out likely to an apartment.
I’d like to join an ultimate frisbee group/team. And/or a muy tai gym… I enjoyed some muy tai classes last year with my brother and a friend. (The obstacle to this is if they’re open now, and if they require being vaccinated. I don’t want to risk getting covid in an enclosed space grappling with people who aren’t vaccinated.)
Go out into nature. Like once a month. Hiking or whatever.
It’s been years since I last saw a game in person in the Seattle stadiums. I haven’t been to a Seahawks game at Lumen field before. Been like seven years since my last Mariners game. To be fair, they’ve sucked for years. Being a Mariners fan is painful at times. I’d like to go to a Seattle Kraken game this season. They’re a new expansion NHL team, and this is their first season. I don’t know much about hockey, so this will be fun to learn.
Want to get my first tattoo. Then see how I feel about another after some time. I’ve wanted to get a tattoo and had it in the back of my head for years.
And of course, dates and dating. I’m getting used to the reality that this is a marathon. I’m not perfect and that’s okay. I’m okay with self improvement.
The next step: change from a pandemic hermit.
So, back to dressing well to feel good, get a new look, do activities that interest me, and learn to be a friend. Back to the self work I had as a goal before the pandemic.
It’s time to see friends, and lead by example. I have to follow through on reconnecting with all the people in life. I miss many people, and the pandemic really clarified what I will have with boundaries and values.
Saturday update: I went and hung out with my friend Chris at his house. It was a wonderful time. It was a cookout for his birthday, so we smoked, I met a friend of his, and his gf, and we chilled. They have 4 dogs, and two cats, so I got to visit them too. It felt weird going to an indoor place without a mask, even though everyone is vaccinated, but after a little bit it felt normal. It felt good to be comfortable with friends again. Oh yeah, and he had Pepsi Blue! I thought it didn’t exist anymore, but it does! So I drank 3 sodas while hanging out Saturday. It was like drinking a time warp to sophomore year in highschool. When I’d drink this after snowboarding.
Monday edit: How could I forgot to mention… I got to meet my friends infant daughter. It was the first time in my life where I was able to interact with a baby… Without the baby being forced on me, or I’m guilt tripped for not wanting to hold the baby. I like and am good with kids. Don’t force it on me. One, it crosses a boundary by entering my physical space, and Two, I want to experience things in life on my own. I don’t have to have the same experiences my parents had.
So, this nice experience with my friends daughter helped me with this.
Feels weird to think that I can resume a social life. Today, I feel like a massive weight was lifted. I’m not feeling lonely as I have felt for a while.
Friends are awesome 😎.
Now that things are safe because people are getting vaccinated, and in person activities are resuming, so shall I. My future is outside, in the world.
Some dating success
I’ve been texting this lady for a couple weeks. I’ve asked her out for different date activities, but she’s been busy. She’s sent pictures (and I’ve found no signs of a catfish yet), and been responsive to messages when she has time. I’m remaining hopeful for the best… While being cautious to protect my heart. I’m showing up, being vulnerable, and growing from past mistakes in this dating phase. I am enough. I am worthy.
Losing my job is frustrating because I feel like I can’t date without a job, but maybe that’s just insecurity. Maybe this person will be the exception and not dump me.
I’d like to give a special shout-out appreciation to the WordPress community, and fellow bloggers. You’ve been an awesome support since the beginning. I’m so grateful for you. Thank you.
And as always, Thank you everyone who read this post, and follows this blog! Was there a time you looked at yourself, accepted who you were, and knew you could do better, for you?