Which is: I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure what purpose it serves in my life. Last year, I had many things to work through and express. Now, the biggest problem is why. Why do I blog? Why write? Or the most significant obstacle I have in life… Why do anything?
I know there are answers out there and people who’ve been here before.
More than anything, I’m long past “working hard” on everything. Life feels like an endless carrot on a stick.
I’m tired of never being enough. Never being healthy enough, never making enough money, never being attractive enough to date, and so on.
I’m tired of self improvement. I want to feel enough. Maybe I’ve been isolated far too long. I’m so exhausted from the pandemic.
I’m lonely and don’t trust anyone. (Especially myself)
I’m lonely but love solitude. I want a romantic relationship but feel so unconfident in myself. I want to trust people, but I’m wary of being betrayed, lied to, or taken for granted. I am being hurt again or hurting another person because of my actions.
Despite being vulnerable about my emotional life on the blog, I’m most afraid of being rejected by anyone close after I open up to them.
I can’t be invisible anymore. I was a chameleon for many years, and I refuse to be that anymore. I don’t want to suffer like that. Being average is okay. I want a healthy amount of attention and interaction.
I realized that because of the COVID pandemic, my trust in people in the US and the world has imploded over the vaccine refusal. Over the resistance to wearing masks.
I’m worried about getting COVID-19 from a third of the population, even though I’m fully vaccinated and been careful. I guess, rightfully so after exposure at two different jobs.
I need to return to therapy
Its been 3 months? 4? I honestly can’t remember. This year is fuzzy. Feels like the days blend.
Whenever my last appointment was with my therapist and treatment team… Its been long enough. The original plan was to take a short break to reassess what I needed for treatment. I didn’t know what my health insurance would be like, but now I do. My new plan is in September.
Therapy work list:
Help with healthy friendships
Helping me get unstuck from this unsatisfying loop.
And many other issues.
I’m tired of having an anonymous life. Tired of not being satisfied with life. Tired of complaining. Ugh.
Sorry for the delay folks. The heat wave this week has wiped me out. I haven’t slept well this week, or the other scorching days this summer. Thankfully, I’m getting hooked up with a free air-conditioning until tomorrow, and have an additional fan on the way on like Tuesday.
I also worked a couple hours Saturday to make up time I missed last week due to a cold.
Therefore, I’d rather not make the mistake of not communicating anything, and practicing self care by not worrying about this as I go to bed.
(the featured image is of a cherry grown from a tree I planted 10 years ago. It fruited in July. A timely metaphor for this period of time.)
I can’t point to any one reason why I haven’t blogged this past month-plus. Guess the creative tank was empty. I tried to force myself to write a couple of times over the past month…
Last month I installed an app that tracks my phone use. It’s called “StayFree” (I’m not being paid to say this, though I’d sell out too). And my results have been… Embarrassing.
I have a severe internet addiction problem. (Though I guess the app missed all the time I spent listening to audiobooks on audible. I don’t count that time since it’s good for me.) This has been a problem, especially in the past year. But damn. 274 hours?! Oof.
The content I did write didn’t feel up to par. I don’t know. I’ve felt scattered and unfocused when writing. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself or attached to perfectionist tendencies. (Edit: Today, I cut up and saved the valuable bits. Which became this post)
Whatever it is, I feel like my life is at another transition point. I think a shift to something new.
French Toast, Donny Burgers, Peanut Butter, and Lemon Slushee Weed oh my!
It’s been a bit since the last blog post. (34 days!) I’ve been busy. Well, not that busy… More focused on doing well at my new job. Hyper-focused. I like what I do for work: trimming weed, my coworkers, and the company. (I wish that I could post pictures. I can’t because this is a form of social media. I wonder if it’s okay a)
Eat, work, sleep. Repeat. As for writing, it felt like the creative well was low, and I needed a small break.
Everything is going well, and I’m slowly feeling secure the company will last more than four months. ( I have no reason to see that they’d close or fail. Thanks to anxiety… )
I’m giving it my all, and I am happy to. The company’s goal is to have the best cannabis in the state. It’s a mindset shift. At my last job, they also had high standards for trimming, but you can only do so much with average-quality products. It’s so refreshing to work at a company like this. It’s like a high-end restaurant… Without the soul-destroying stress, heat, or snobbery.
Last week, we were ‘bucking’ to cut cured, dried branches of product to a smaller size for storage, and the workroom smelled like french toast. The kind that uses fake high fructose corn syrup, imitation vanilla extract, butter, and ground cinnamon/nutmeg you can find on a grocery store spice shelf.
A huge perk of working with weed is the aromas. The best stuff or dank can smell like so many things, from diesel, skunk, to flowers, to a tropical island, to french toast. Grown ideally, it sticks to your gloved hands.
They’ve been around for five years, built a massive new warehouse to grow multiple times more products due to demand, and hired people to meet it.
The work is pleasant yet challenging. I feel it’s opened my mind to a time when I enjoyed being the best I could be. To grow every day at work. I had this at my last weed job too. It’s a very different culture when everyone is in the same building. My previous job was at a branch location. (Except for our growing team. There is a massive warehouse where our weed is grown. It used to be in our building.) It’s a nice change to regularly see the owner and upper management doing whatever needs to be done. They ask how we’re doing. They want feedback for improvement and mean it.
So many green flags, yet I’m paranoid. I’m trying not to worry about the other shoe dropping. I don’t want to lose this job: good people, a good workplace, and good company.
Once again, the coronavirus pandemic has been the antagonist.
(AKA: Yes, but) I had two separate covid scares week. I felt sick on Monday — fatigue, fever, muscle soreness, and common cold symptoms– so I left work after 45 minutes. I drove to the drive-thru testing center and got a precautionary Covid test to be safe. The test center said the results would be ready in 24-48 hours. So, I had that stress, along with not knowing what was up.
Tuesday morning, the first covid test was negative! What a relief… I’m just sick with a cold. So I took it easy. I had just enough energy to fill my ballot and drop it off at a local community center voting drop box… Driving there in my new car!
I finally have my car! A 2013 Toyota Prius! All thanks to my Dear Aunt M! Love you, Aunt M!
Wednesday, I went to work driving by myself in my car for the first time in… like, 7 or 8 years. That whole time I was sharing a car with my mother because it was convenient, and I couldn’t afford another one because of poor mental health and working minimum wage jobs. My mental health has dramatically improved due to therapy and the right mix of medications. If it weren’t for my persistence in my health and good decisions, I would not be in this good spot where I have options. I still have the stuff to work on, but I’m treading water. I’ll take it. With this, I can progress. I am so grateful for all of that.
I worked the day, double-masked for safety. I got through the day but was exhausted. I should have stayed home.
Thursday morning, I turn on my phone and get a message on slack from one of my bosses. Another potential Covid exposure at work on Monday. The appointment was canceled, and everyone who got tested got a sick day. I got tested again and had to wait another 24 hours for a result.
Friday. That morning the result was: Negative! Whew. It seems most of my coworkers tested negative too, which is reassuring. I decided to take Friday off, too, as I wasn’t much better.
In Summary, Two negative covid tests but a bad cold. Waiting for test results is fucking stressful. While we have a mask mandate at work, it could be enforced a bit more. I feel there needs to be a company meeting going over what masks are considered safe (A few coworkers wear neck gaiters, which don’t provide proper protection) and how to properly wear a mask (Aka over the nose, on at all times inside). We need a vaccine requirement for employment.
I’m fucking tired of being considerate anymore. Way past being patient. It’s been 16 months. The pandemic is still raging, and I’ve done everything right. It’s fucking bullshit that only 50% of people are vaccinated at this point. I wish our government would save the remaining vaccines for the kids under 12, send the rest out to the parts of the world that want them, and force the unvaccinated adults (who do not have a valid medical exemption) to pay for them through our insurance system. I want to run up to a denier and shake them. Don’t you care about kids? Don’t you care about the elderly? Don’t you care about the sick? Don’t you care about the well-being of your friends or family? Don’t you care about your fellow human?
This lyric from A change gon come by Sam Cooke sums up how I feel right now as an American, as a person of the world:
“Then I go to my brother And I say, “Brother, help me please” But he winds up knockin’ me Back down on my knees.”
This came up on Genius.com for the song lyrics:
“This line refers to Blacks in the United States who did not openly support the Civil Rights Movement. Often, these people were afraid of violent retribution, and preferred to keep their fellow men “on their knees” in front of whites to avoid conflict. Cooke’s record producers were especially guilty of this.
They were more interested in keeping him popular among white listeners, than allowing him to speak out against race-related injustices in his music. This song was the first politically charged recording of Cooke’s, and was his way of “getting off of his knees.”
Ironically, the track was initially buried on the B-side of a semi-popular single by his producers. Rather than being released to stand on its own, the executives were too worried it would degrade Cooke’s popularity with whites.”
It’s no wonder why another civil rights reckoning is happening during the pandemic. (Fucking stalled in the Senate by the same people making the pandemic worse, Republicans). Everyone is equal in the face of a virus. Corona Virus doesn’t care about your skin color, your feelings, your politics, or anything about you. It exists to spread in ideal conditions. The only way you are safe is to get the vaccine. To wear a mask and distance themselves from others.
You know… I need a Pandemic Anger Anonymous support group. Something. Another year of this? Ugh.
Oh, I finally feel a sense of peace and understanding regarding all the grief I went through last year. I’m sorry, and I vow never to act that way again.
It’s nice not to have that weighing on me every day… on top of 2021’s stuff.
Rest in Peace, Aunt Ann.
Thank you for reading this; I realize I haven’t been consistent lately… And I want to get back on the blog horse. If you enjoyed this, please give it a like, and tell me what you think in the comments! Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please GET VACCINATED, wear a mask indoors or near people, that covers your mouth and nose. Wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!