Monthly Archives: May 2022

Days in a Life

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Picture of an Ihealth covid-19 test. Result, Negative.
The first result was negative for covid. This is the home test supplied by the American government. There is hope in our cloudy future.

Or waiting for the results 2022…

What a busy day. It’s 10:54pm Friday, and I’m in bed trying to sleep. Cue: The Beatles – A day in the life.

Been here before with a negative result and a positive result. This possible result could be worse than the positive test result for covid. There are scarier diseases in the world than covid. I simply now know what’s going on with me right now. That’s the problem of diagnosing health issues online with duckduckgo or any search engine. It could be a cold or rare cancer that a thousand people have worldwide. To be safe, I texted out from work.

Friday was test day…

A PCR covid test, a dentist appointment, and an STD test. I had no idea I’d need the latter a week ago, this time because I was a virgin. A former 36-year-old virgin. I’ve mentioned it on the blog… I think I’ve mentioned it on the blog. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. 😂🤣😎. Gotta laugh at your own stupid jokes. Guess I had to get a fuck to not give a fuck, hahaha. 😉

…

Okay, I’ll stop.

I’ve talked about it online anonymously. Me being a virgin, that is. Other than that, I’ve only told a friend I lost contact with and my pandemic therapist. I don’t talk about it because it’s embarrassing. After a certain age, you are mocked or thought of as less of a man by women and men. My biggest secret is that I’ve only felt safe discussing online with other virgins and masked. In a future post, I’ll write more about my long experience as a wizard (a man over 30 that is a virgin). For now, I’ll say that I was a safe and consensual one-night stand. Suffice it to say I’ve been really happy.

Tried for a long time to lose it in a romantic relationship… It is what it is.

Some coworkers know I got laid because they were at the bar for the punk rock show, but not the significance. I didn’t feel comfortable saying so. Gotta stay professional and be careful with my sharing in real life. I feel comfortable blogging about not because this is a safe space.

The fact is that I’m single and don’t have a girlfriend. This one-night stand is in the past. I hope that I have an official girlfriend soon. I’m 36, and this was a wonderful gift. I deserve good things too. I deserve a woman who says she wants to date me. Who wants me. I’m done wasting my time with women who don’t want me. Or with anyone who doesn’t want to be my friend or wants to be in my life. Show up, or show yourself out. I’m saying this from a place of calm self-acceptance. What if it all works out?

I’m not getting any younger. I have goals to work towards. I have wanted this all my life. I’m a regular dude and a good man. I’m not giving up this peace or confidence.

Austin Powers: I am a sexy beast!
Groovy Baby! Yeah! 🥰 Finally!

I feel comfortable sharing on the blog because it’s the one place I have control. This is my place in the world. By taking ownership of this aspect of this piece of information about me, it makes me strong. One of the big reasons why I blog is self-acceptance by making sense of the unknown. When I started blogging, I was at rock bottom and completely alone… I felt alone. In any case, I’ve written enough. I’m doing well. No need to dig up the past. It’s gone. I’m not a virgin. I’m not that immature person anymore.

It gets easier quote and clip from Bojack Horseman
It gets easier.

Saturday morning, the results… Russian roulette-style:

The wheel spinning on the Price is right. One contestant falls down, another contestant is jumping up and down in excitement.
The title feels right but maybe too grim. Hopefully, this will ease some tension?

I wouldn’t know my fate until today, 05/28,2022…

Covid PCR results: Negative.

This is how healthcare in the world should be. Free. Or very low cost, with no wait. Click. Empty chamber.

STD test results: Negative.

Thank goodness. These were the tests I was most afraid of.

The urgent care location I went to is not covered by the insurance network… I’m so tired of health insurance bullshit.

Maybe I can bill through them or as a tax deduction. Life has been expensive this month.

I called my insurance company nurse line, and while the initial person took the time to connect me to the right department, She couldn’t get an appointment until 10pm in south Renton… Which I couldn’t do on Friday. I was too wiped out by sickness, too stressed to do an in-depth analysis of my options, and barely made it to drive downtown for same-day urgent care STD testing… ASAP.

Continuing the Russian roulette theme… Two clicks, empty chambers.

Dentist appointment results: Negative. A clean bill of health. Empty chamber.

Veterinarian results for Coco: no signs of a UTI. Tests clear.

She might have a heart murmur or heart condition. The estimated cost is $700+ at the vet I go to. God damnit. How is this fair? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Fuck You, capitalism. Fuck you for doing this. Sigh. I’ll deal with this a bit later.

So maybe something might happen with my dear kitty. I sure hope not.

In summary: I’m okay!

Rip savings.🥲

Danny Daveedo walking away from an explosion, money rains down.

P.S. About Life, & …

There’s this cultural meme in dating/relationships that whatever song you hear when you meet is to become your song. For me, after I was walking home after my one-night stand… It was When doves cry by Prince.

I’m reading the lyrics to When doves cry, and wow! What a coincidence that I happened to hear this song that night. It’s amazing how music can sometimes describe your life at the moment.

Even the parts of life I keep private have gone well. Been a good week again, despite the challenges of life.

Prince the musician in costume playing guitar

Prince

While we are on the subject of Prince… Or the artist formerly known as Prince, I’m a late fan and didn’t know or really appreciate him until the last few years. Which, man. I missed out. Prince is awesome. If you can search for Prince – Super Bowl XLI halftime show on youtube. I can’t link it here, but trust me. This halftime show and live music performance is legendary. And the event documentary of it, too, by the NFL. One last thing. This comedy spoof bit by Dave Chappelle about Prince is hilarious! A cultural millennial legend.

(If you can’t see it in your country, It’s called “Chappelle’s Show – Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories – Prince – Uncensored.)

What a week! Maybe this means the time is close for a girlfriend? Certainly ready for friends of all types! 😮 (Maybe these symptoms, me feeling sick is too long, covid or a cold. Everything else is ruled out. Oh well.)

Finally, I’m a man in all aspects of life. Victory! 🏁🏆

Single and ready to mingle. I also don’t remember when I felt so comfortable with myself. The last time I had so much attention from women. A big deal for me because I’ve been a nerdy, socially anxious, depressed, shy man, most of my life. Fuck yeah. 😁❤️

In the meantime, I’m getting extra rest this holiday weekend! Excuse me as I leave to jam out to Prince.

Thanks for reading! I would like to hear from you about a time you had days like this. You can subscribe below.

Copyright 2022.

Self Evaluation

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I have a performance review at work coming up.

This week at work, everyone has a performance review meeting with management. It’s been in the works for a couple months, delayed by people catching covid and missing work like I did. Even though I’ve known it’s coming… I’m anxious about it now that it’s judgement day.

Okay maybe not that dramatic.

Had great feedback so far, and so much support and mentoring by my bosses.

I can’t help but feel worried about it. After last week, I have clarity what parts of my work self need improvement. I was brutally, then fairly honest on the self eval I did for myself. I was so brutal to myself that the big boss gave me a call to check up on me.

The same company that gave me a raise in last year’s evaluation. Said I had (now am) management potential? I’m not going to sit on my current success, or not keep improving. I’m practicing my job daily. I like working here with at this company with all these great people because I discover more about life. Because I’m discovering more about myself.

Work used a standard online survey with question boxes and multiple choice questions.

I learned yesterday that my review is delayed until they get more answers from the employees I’m in charge of, which will evaluate me and my department manager. I really hope we are doing well in their eyes. We work well together and he is a good dude. Much better with people than I am.

The anticipation is maddening. In the few hours since I learned that the employees would rate me too, I’m thinking back to every conversation, every interaction to try to determine if the good outnumbers the bad or potentially bad. Or that strange two face inner self that is half “positive reinforcement, Hope for the best” and half “Oh no, what if (insert catastrophe). The waiting is the hardest part…

This got me thinking…

When was the last time I checked in with myself to evaluate my life in this format? Looking back I’ve been over 3 months, six months, a year? Or the opposite… Looking forward 3 months, 6 months, a year?

How am I doing in life? It’s been a while since I last felt the desire to ask: What do I want to do? Who do you want to be? Is the way I am living, the choices I’m actually making… In line with that?

I wouldn’t be able to have this privilege without how well the situation is at work.

Why can’t I have the life I want?

Why not me?

What do you want, Reilly?

All important questions to ask and valid. For today, or until I find out how I’m doing in the self evaluation at work, I unable to think about it. Gotta have faith that everything will work out no matter what happens.

A further dive within, and answering these questions is a topic for another time. To be continued…

Thanks for reading! If you like my content subscribe to my email list below, and tell me what you think I’m the comments! Stay safe out there!

Step Up!

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Person walking up the stairs of a Mayan structure

Well…

Song of the post: Make it Right by Foo Fighters.

It sure feels like a covid aftershock is on us. Some family members and people at my mom’s job are getting it. There’s been a streak going on at work. People have been either exposed to someone close or caught it themselves. The latest is my supervisor. Which means as the assistant manager, I’m the one in charge. I’m responsible for the room until he returns.

Thankfully, one of the big bosses has been in every day. It was a recent and necessary change. It’s so nice to have him around. I like how our owners care about everyone, care about the day-to-day details, want a safe and welcoming workplace, care about feedback while giving honest, professional answers, and model healthy communication.

Sleepy Thursday.

I didn’t realize it was Thursday yesterday until I drove home. I’ve been so focused on doing well at work, keeping up with new and old duties, and basic life maintenance that I’d lost track of the day.

I’m falling asleep as I type this. Eyelids slowly closing. I was so tired that I went to bed at 8pm.

Been going to bed early, not getting up earlier at 5am because I’ve been so tired. Except for Monday, when I had a migraine and had to recover.

I’m losing focus, so I’ll continue tomorrow…

Friday

Though I had a brief period back in January/February where I was a department manager and was okay overall, I don’t want to.

I’m better in a support role and working with my department lead. I came to peace with this in What if it all works out?, Two weeks ago. This isn’t to say I’m not ambitious or could improve on things like my people skills and communication. I’m at peace with where I’m, who I am, and who I want to become. I think we have a good balance between our department managers.

It’s been helpful to have the upper bosses around and checking in often this week. I’ve had a little experience managing people back in cooking school, which was half a lifetime ago 😬…

Along with them modeling how to be a good boss, I’m learning how to effectively communicate and see nonviolent communication in action. I’ve read a lot and watched many hours of relationship skills. However, it’s different to see it practiced in a situation.

Recently our department and certain employees haven’t been hitting our goals. My gut tells me that there was a communication gap somewhere on the line. Based on how well we communicate, I know it wasn’t me, my department manager, or our boss. In any case, this is the work environment I’ve sought for a long time. I’ve had many jobs and haven’t had that right balance of work I’m good at + the work environment I fit into + employers/bosses that fit my needs + a consistent schedule + good coworkers. (Though I haven’t had trouble with coworkers in my work life.)

Work and my bosses are giving me an example of the man I want to be. The person I want to be. I want our department to be successful. I want the business to succeed. I want to be successful.

Today, my department lead returned. It’s nice to have him back, as some of the pressure to be the person in charge is off. I do enjoy being the lead for a couple days a week. We have overlapping duties, and I have been letting him do many of them… But I’d like to do that a little bit more than trimming full-time. I’m sure he’d be happy to rotate duties a bit since we get along well. I just got to do it.

Everyone’s performance reviews are coming up next week. I’m nervous, fighting off the “You’re going to be fired” thoughts, even though I have no reason to be. I am enough. I am doing well. I am worthy of this management job.

This means I’ll have to increase anxiety-related self-care. This part of me is saying that it needs attention.

I got to get ready for work in a minute. Coco is lying on me on the couch, purring after her morning neck nuzzles, and I want to finish writing. I don’t want to get up for work. Despite enjoying work. I don’t want to let my boss down. I’ve missed too much work recently and have no sick time.

Alright, gotta psych myself up to get out the door…

(I did it! And made it through the day! A good day at work!)

Post Script: Man, it was hard to write this week. Finding time when I wasn’t exhausted or spent was a challenge. The key is that I’m improving. I increased my time management skills by pushing just enough to write a little bit, edit a little bit, and recognize when I had 10 minutes here or 15 minutes there to put words on the page. Sometimes writing is a psychological negotiation with yourself. I’ve won by focusing on improving a little bit and committing to finishing. Hopefully, this will help someone else out there struggling to write.

In short, I stepped up at work. I stepped up at blogging.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoy my work, please comment below or subscribe!

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022

The Wind Cries Mary

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Album cover of a black and white photo of a woman in the middle of a peeled orange. Her head is peeled like an orange.
This image came up when I searched the title in duckduckgo images. Feels right for this situation below. Source

When writing, you have to remember who a piece is for.

Yesterday I went and visited my Aunt Mary. It’s been… Since August of last year, I last saw her in person. She’s getting older. She was losing her memory then, was severe enough that she needed full-time care assisted living. (I didn’t know there was a difference between these terms. My bad.) So much happened between now and then, made harder because of the pandemic—full credit to my cousin, her siblings, and my mom for coordinating this challenge. My aunt Mary is in a good place now that meets her needs.

She was so happy to visit me. Her new place is nice, seems the people working there are friendly. Helpful to the residents.

She has aphasia. Which means she forgets things. Memories, people, recalling information. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I’d known her to be wise as a whip and loquacious. I’d known her as kind l caring, and she treated all of us, kids, as equal persons of value.

I hope I’m not oversharing. I had to say write something. I didn’t realize what a privilege it is to have this ability to pontificate. To be able to talk to another person without struggling for words. It breaks my heart.

It hurts to see her differently now. Once again, I know that she is getting older. Part of life and having a large family is seeing your loved ones get older and, eventually, die. Nobody escapes death. Or, in this case, life changes.

Thanks to the pandemic and working on myself for the past two years, I’ve learned to be grateful for who I have in life. The people that care about you are interested in your life and have been there with you. Aunt Mary always has been. All the ups and downs. She reminded me of many good memories, good times together I’d forgotten about.

We went and had McDonald’s with her and a long-time friend who lives there with her for dinner. It was blowing rain. I didn’t mind. Both ladies were so happy, so excited to go out and do something. I was grateful to drive us there.

We returned and ate dinner in a nice visiting area in the lobby of her apartment. Had some nice comfy chairs and a fireplace. It was a wonderful experience. I’m so happy to have that time and meet her friend.

An excellent silly adventure for tasty, fast food.

Our life on this earth is short.

I’m grateful for Sunday and those hundreds of thousands of days in life with her.

I kept up a cheerful front because I wanted to appreciate every minute of this visit. I tried to be strong because she needed me to be.

I bawled on the ferry ride back. Been feeling a bunch of complicated emotions as I’m grateful for everything she’s meant to me and to see her change like this. I’m, my family is grieving the person she was. She’s here but gone. Still a lovely person. Sigh.

Damn…

I couldn’t sleep and wake up in the night with a migraine. I had to take the day off work cause of it.

I’m rambling again. I am getting long in the tooth again.

I love you, Aunt Mary. I couldn’t think of anything else to share but this song by Jimi Hendrix. Maybe we can’t talk with words the same as we used to. Next time, I’ll read to you like you once did when I was a child. Hopefully, we can continue to connect through music. Only this feels right:

Song of the post: The wind cries Mary by Jimi Hendrix

A Unique Opportunity

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Me for years. 🙃

You miss all the shots you don’t take.

Hockey legend Wayne Gretzky once said: ” You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

I am so guilty of this, that it’s like a served a term in a jail of my own making. For many years I was stuck in life and mired in depression. While a large portion of this suffering was due to traumatic things happening to me, processing my own issues, and the pains everyone goes through in finding one self, there was a part that I could do something about. That I can take action about every day.

For a long time, I was that person who lived by the mantra: “As soon as I have/am _____, I’ll be worthy. I’ll be enough because I have: a well paying job, live on my own, or am healthy with no mental health issues or problems.

Yes, being independent and self sufficient with the ability to take care of yourself are needs everyone has. You work on those every minute, hour, and day.

That doesn’t mean you are enough as you are right now. Every person on earth has worth. The point being that I made the choice over and over again for years that I wasn’t enough to take a shot on something because I felt unworthy. Insecure. Not mature enough.

Even when life put the goal right there in front of me and asked: what are you going to do?

Too many times I avoided it.

This missing out on potential friends, activities I might have enjoyed, connection with existing relationships, standing up for myself, saying what I want and need, and missing out on so many romantic opportunities. Rarely, I’d make a shot, but it’d be a partial success, or the puck would bounce off the boundary. Each time I felt like a failure and gave up. I was already in a low place, and didn’t get understand that you have to fail. Failure is part of life and part of success, however you define success for yourself, your life.

All because I didn’t feel like enough. That I wasn’t good enough because I work an entry level job. I wasn’t worthy of women because I have mental health problems. Because I haven’t moved out and live with my parent.

I avoided even when all flags were green and the goal was wide open, assuring success. Or that I would have made the goal if I believed in myself that I’d make it, despite a life defending the goal. I’m enough right now. People will like and appreciate me as I am. And I can work on myself too.

That time has gone and passed. I can’t go back and change things. Each a lesson. Which I had to experience multiple times because I was in denial and life kept throwing these situations at me because it was necessary.

So, I said: Fuck it.

I’d much rather fail, and fall on my face than regretting not trying.

I’m going to have my issues, and working on myself for the rest of life. I’m not perfect, and this is who I am, where I’m at in life.

The pandemic really cemented my “Fuck it” attitude. Half the US decided not to wear a mask or get vaccinated because they don’t care about others, no matter the consequences. This same group attempted a coup because their feelings were hurt and they’re sore losers because Trump lost the 2020 election for president of the United States. I’m so tired of Trump supporters. It feels like Trump and his anti-democracy cronies are getting away with the Jan 6th coup.

The one upside to this madness, is that it’s given me clarity on who I am as a person and the values I put into practice in life.

It feels like every week, the United States is on a downward spiral as important problems are left unaddressed, or stonewalled in Congress. Rights such as the choice to abortion, taken away. Where is the hope of positive change forward for all, America?

I feel helpless, horrified as the world goes to a dark future. Signing petitions, and sending emails to my senators hasn’t helped. What can they do when every republican senator refuses to compromise at all? When Joe Manchin of West Virginia, and Kristen Cinema of Arizona play games, are misleading with their views. Come on Biden, get it done…

Can’t do anything else, so… Fuck it!

I’ve set my focus to what I can control. Use my time on changing the world for the better.

Therefore, when I saw an article in my local paper asking for content about mental health, to contribute to their series of articles about it, I jumped at the opportunity.

One idea immediately came to mind. The lack of diagnostic tools for adult autism. When I was first diagnosed on the spectrum in April 2020, right before my birthday and at the beginning of the pandemic, my therapist used a questionnaire designed for kids potentially with autism. And to my knowledge, nothing has changed. There are mental health questionnaires for people if all ages for depression, anxiety, and ADHD, but not autism.

I wrote an email to the designated email by my local newspaper, figuring that even if nothing happens, I have it a shot. I tried at speaking up for others like I did, struggling to know why. Because it was a clear problem that could be solved with some light shed in it.

I sent the email and…

My story pitch was ACCEPTED! Holy shit. I didn’t expect this to happen, so I’ve been shocked! I haven’t gotten the go ahead, or asked what would be acceptable to post publicly on a blog regarding the article, but it’s really happening! I’ve had a couple email threads with the reporter in charge of this article series, and she’s liked what I’ve sent so far! Which is an overview of what I plan to write about, my experience with autism and the mental health system, and an article outline. I have my first draft due on Sunday. I haven’t written any new content for that in 10 days. As Sunday approaches, I’ve become more anxious. Anxious and stressed because I get to write this, the two blog boosts I get to do, and be the man(ager) in charge today and tomorrow at work since my fellow leads are out of town.

All this happening because I made it happen. Dude… Yes. Keep moving forward.

Cover photo credit to my brother! He took this awesome lunar picture with our mutual friends telescope!

Side note, post script: I really need to improve the layout and presentation of the blog. I viewed the home page, and it needs work. I don’t feel it’s the best it could be. I need to learn why, and how to make the most of it.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please comment below or subscribe!

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022 ®

What if it all works out?

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A new poster I bought last month from self care is for everyone . (If someone from here is reading this, I'm willing to shill lol, I like your stuff!) "What if it all works out?"
A new poster I bought last month from self-care is for everyone. (If someone from here is reading this, I’m willing to shill lol, I like your stuff!)

What a turn around!

Music of the post:

Times like these, live acoustic version, Foo Fighters

What a difference two weeks makes.

I’m still standing here. The booster shot kicked my ass. I survived. I’m tired and worn out after a hard workout, but I’m okay. I stood up for myself and my values at work, and everything turned out great! I’m doing an excellent job at work, according to my bosses, despite the mistake. Coconut seems to have recovered from the UTI. Life is going great. I’m not over long covid, but it’s manageable. What’s important is that life feels it is moving forward in an unexpectedly excellent positive way.

Rob Lucci, from one piece looks over his shoulder to see Luffy standing up again after a beating.

I’m reposting this Rocky Balboa quote because it still speaks to me in these good times:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! “

Rocky Balboa

I’m winning at life right now

I haven’t been able to say that in a long time.

Being able to express me through blogging and meeting people with this same interest is much better for connecting. You can have friends and people there for you of all types. It’s been a long time since I felt inner peace. Felt at ease being myself. Able to communicate my needs with others and live my values.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt at peace that I can be myself with anyone. While there were brief periods where I felt at ease, confident, and with little insecurities, it was short. Life beat me down. This breakthrough may have been under the surface due to the pandemic. Being at rock bottom, healing, and being cautious because of the need to survive are factors. The pandemic isn’t over yet, and I’m still taking safety measures…

But it’s all working out. I sure didn’t expect that in (cringe) these uncertain times. (Can we agree as English speakers to kill this phrase after all this?)

I didn’t get here alone, and I’m so grateful I didn’t have to. Yes, I did the hard inner work and improvement. I feel like a man.

Acts of kindness

  • There was an uncomfortable incident in a meeting where a coworker was being critical and making us comfortable with their feedback, which wasn’t asked for and was unprofessional. Right after, my boss apologized to everyone there for the situation.
  • Earlier that week, my boss gave me a high five as I was on my way inside to eat lunch, holding a stack of small containers. I did that strange thing one does when you want to have a pile of stuff with one arm, holding it between my left arm and chin. High five accomplished. Lol.
  • The next day, the owner does the same and says he wants a culture where everyone is treated with respect, no matter what their job title. The latter reinforces my POV of my email, which caused a problem at work and got me in trouble because I overshared. In short, massive green flags. I can make mistakes, and my bosses will work with me to grow as a person.
  • I ordered lunch at this amazing restaurant called Damoori Kitchen. They serve delicious Lebanese cuisine. It’s barely close enough to drive to for pickup, and back in time to eat at lunch. I get there, it’s like 115, but my order wasn’t made because the counter person missed the sound cue. Which sucks, but disappointing. They offer to make it right away, but I explain that I can’t wait because I’ll be late returning for lunch. They refund my order, but I’m left hungry. Damn. I return to my car, and as I’m about to back out in reverse, the owner waves to me so I pause, and she brings me some pita chips, eggplant dip, and hummus free of charge! Awesome.

I feel well enough to blog on a regular schedule once more. I physically couldn’t due to long covid, starting this new manager position, and a problematic coworker who drained me because of their drama… Thankfully that’s resolved. My plan, for now, is for eight posts a month/twice a week to improve the quality of my writing and my SEO knowledge/skill. The key is to keep moving forward.

I’ve got my groove back.