The past two weeks have been tough health-wise, and will be taking a break from blogging. I went to urgent care on Sunday because I’ve been experiencing increasingly in intensity, weird new symptoms that are listed on the “Severe side effects, seek medical help immediately” section of the antidepressant I take.
I’m back home and recovering. But this is why I’ve missed posts. I haven’t physically been able to write due to this combination of shit. I’ve been emotionally, physically, and mentally wiped out.
It’s going to take a bit to recover, so I’ll be back in a week or two when I feel better.
03/06/23 Update: Extending the hiatus one more week. I am doing better. However, I need more time to rest.
I’m age 36 and live with my mother. It’s far past time that I move out, and I need help. I can’t stand living in the same house I grew up in and need my own place to live by myself.
I will miss our family cat Lucy dearly. She snuggles next to me in bed almost every night. It will be heartbreaking, and I’m sure Lucy will never forgive me. Im sure that Coco will also miss my mother, along with Lucy.
Living with my mom drives me crazy. I need my own physical space. While our relationship is okay, I feel it would be much better for me to have space. We’re different people at different times in life.
A big reason I have struggled with dating is that I feel embarrassed that I live with my mother as an adult man. She sees me as her child first and an adult second. Living at home, ill never feel like an adult man.
I have gotten much better at asserting myself, communicating my needs, and setting boundaries. My mother has gotten better at accepting these and improving herself too.
There are other reasons too, but I only feel comfortable discussing them with my therapist.
However, this is not my house. I don’t feel comfortable living here. I feel trapped in a psychological prison, constantly reminded of the past.
I need a fresh start living on my own, without roommates, with my cat Coco.
Taking this step is something I have to do to continue healing. It scares me simultaneously because I’ll have to rely solely on myself. But, I won’t feel ashamed to bring a woman home. I’ll feel the freedom to bring friends over in my space without having to worry that my mom will embarrass me or nitpick me about how I’m doing something wrong, like what happened the last time I invited friends over in early 2020.
This will be difficult to find a place to rent on my budget since Seattle is an expensive place to live. Not impossible.
Lately, it feels like I’m entering a new period of my life
First, I have to acknowledge the gap between posts. It’s been a week, and I could not write a post for Monday. I have no excuses. The reason why is that I have felt ill. I think I’ve caught whatever is going around, and possibly am having a flare-up from long covid.
No doubt I’m feeling like this because of the events of the previous post last week. Romantic rejection is hard enough. It’s harder when you feel you have a close connection with that person and get each other. Alas, while the friendship remains in a more limited version, heartbreak sucks, and I miss the connection we had. I’m getting better day by day, and eventually, I’ll be able to read her posts; for now, I need time. It’s okay if a woman doesn’t want romance with me. There are women who will. I’d prefer this journey to find love to be over and to find that woman who wants to be my girlfriend, but for now, it’s working through the steps of grief. It will pass, though not knowing when the end is annoying.
I’d prefer grief over trying than the regret of not trying.
In positive news, I’m coming to a point in therapy where I’m ready to end this period with my therapist. Since June of last year, I’ve been going to sessions online through the Ginger app via video sessions. Every few weeks, I have a survey about my symptoms, which have been improving steadily. At the same time, work will offer health insurance sometime in the spring, so it’s a good time to start thinking about what comes next. My therapist suggested taking a break, which I agree would be helpful. I also want to find a different therapist, possibly one local with a different approach.
Work is going great. It’s so nice to do well and have a workplace I can count on. While my job is repetitive and recently feels like the walls are closing in because of all the new storage shelves in our tiny space, there is nowhere else I want to be. (Other than sleeping a bit more and being home to write during peak hours.)
When I’ve tried to write recently, I’ve had headaches from the mental strain. It hasn’t helped that I couldn’t get up at 5am, despite getting plenty of sleep or extra sleep, and my body feels physically awful. I feel like I have been going crazy not being able to write. This isn’t because of anxiety as has happened in the past; its new symptoms are directly related to long covid. Increased mental strain hurts my brain, my physical exhaustion rises when I try, or it feels like my brain is empty, foggy, or like swiss cheese. When I am clear-headed or feel normal during the day, I’m at work and can’t write. In that case, I’m limited to nine A.M. to two or three P.M.
I should be grateful that I can finally write on Thursday morning at my regular time.
The creative demons are back in full force today. Shame for not producing. Guilt for feeling like a hack writer who doesn’t make anything of worth, regret for stories I never finished in the past, frustration for now being disabled, and having physical and mental limitations when I can write. Imposter syndrome creeping in.
I know none of these are helpful. I know it’s part of the creative process to learn to handle each of these emotions so I can get to the parts I enjoy. I understand that the only way to be creative about anything is to sit down and do it. I must get through the mountain of shit to discover and process the gold into a usable product.
Hello, demons. Nice to see you again. I know you are me and my insecurities speaking.
I’m tired of feeling frustrated because I can’t complete something I actually want to do. I want to be a storyteller. I want to write stories that matter. That feels meaningful to me. Fiction. I need to do something different.
I’ve done enough reading on the how-to. Watched hundreds of hours of how-to and writing tips on youtube. I need to go and do it. Maybe I need to change the location where I do this writing as my current methods and writing at home isn’t getting the results I want. I feel too distracted at work and too pressed for time on breaks to be able to focus on writing.
I feel that many things in my life that have either been on hold or stuck will change when winter is over. This covid winter feels like it will be the last year where it is a threat to catch.
No post today. Well, just this short explanation. I was rejected by a friend I asked to be in a relationship. I wanted a romantic relationship with her but, she isn’t in the place in life to do so. Sometimes that happens.
She’s still a blogger friend. We remain friends with boundaries and a clear platonic blog friendship. For now, I need a break from her site…
So, this is all I can do. Write.
I feel like I’ve been cursed in the month of February with dating.
At least this time, I handled it maturely. So I have that going for me, at least.
Maybe I’m just not suited to do so. I feel like quitting it entirely. I’m 36 going on 37, and the whole dating experience is just painful rejection with tiny glimpses of success that are squashed.
This hasn’t happened to me before! I’m so grateful and I don’t know who to thank!
Cellphone repair
This happened yesterday, and the reason I didn’t know or post about it was because I was getting my phone repaired. I badly needed a new battery and charging port.
My phone is about two and a half years old with heavy use, so I’d have to recharge it multiple times a day with a fast charging cord. So both the USB port and the battery needed to be replaced.
I ordered the parts myself and was going to do the repairs myself, I’m handy with computers, and most repairs are straightforward with a guide and cheap tools you can buy online. I’ve built my past three PCs for gaming, so replacing parts on the phone is easy.
While I can and have blogged on my Personal desktop computer, I don’t like to. I get too distracted. It’s the thing I use to relax after work and on weekends. I’ve noticed that my best production comes away from there in other locations in the morning.
It was as simple as finding my phone model in the settings, looking up: “battery replacement for model” on YouTube, and acquiring what I needed on Amazon, which was about $30. I have much better compared to purchasing a brand-new phone for like $400-600. Plus, that would be wasteful and unnecessary since my phone, as I type on it today, February 1st, is working like it was before the battery started to wear out.
I had a problem with the repair. I got the back case off with the tool kit and a borrowed hair drier, BUT some of the tiny custom screws were stripped, and none of the eight miniature custom screwdrivers worked to remove the screws. So, I brought it to a local cellphone repair shop in my neighborhood on Monday. I picked it up Tuesday night after work. The total cost of replacing the parts with an expert: is $75—a fair price. Maybe I can get another two years out of this phone. Or more? I don’t need a fancy or overpriced expensive model.
That brings us today on Wednesday morning.
Sorry, Im late with a post. I lost Thursday through Sunday because of my health. I had a Long-Covid flare-up out of the blue. While I was feeling better on the weekend, I still had brain fog and could not do anything requiring a strenuous mental effort like blogging. Which is a bummer when that falls on the days I plan to write new posts.
Other
Thankfully I had a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday last week. My bloodwork was in a healthy range, and the results from the EKG were good. I’m already feeling better from her advice on changes to make. Which, among other things are to add a dose of vitamin B12 and CoQ10 to my regimen. I’m also increasing my antidepressant which will help with that part of long covid symptoms.
This is the third round of medical tests done in the past year. While all have been in the healthy range, which is good, it’s frustrating that I’m still dealing with long covid. Since science is catching up on research, and understanding thus disease, I’m doing all I can. It’s out of my control when or if I recover. So all I can do now is to practice Radical acceptance.
All things considered, Life’s good. I’m still terrified of catching covid and waiting until the peak season of winter is over to socialize in person, Still, I’m slowly improving with this and my therapy-centered issues.
I’m not sure how to end this post; Thanks for reading! If the mysterious gift giver would like to identify themselves in the comments, please do! I would like to personally thank you!
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