I wonder if I’m making the right choices? Work was good yesterday, and I have no complaints. Felt like a typical first day on a job. I think I kept up? I’ll have to ask.
I have to be much more careful now with blogging. The impression I got from the handbook was that this new company is much stricter than my previous place of work. Maybe I’m anxious because I’m new and don’t feel secure because I’m on the first ninety days.
It could be depression from the job separation. Or because it’s been six weeks since I was last on antidepressants. I had to stop drinking, weed, and aspirin, too, since all interacted with Seratonin Syndrome. (Been a couple months now since taking those). All those small amounts built up over time, and my body needed space to recover—not being able to take the minimum dose of aspirin or the like sucks. It helped treat long COVID symptoms.
I am seeing a new therapist/coach; however, help is limited. She’s more of a temporary coach, and I need long-term help with my issues. She has been helpful so far.
Last week I completed the application for college and FAFSA. I know that it’s the right decision, and it will be good for me long term. I also acknowledge that it is the right decision to leave my previous job because of my physical and mental health needs. The goal for now is to become a therapist. Which will require a Masters degree.
All this change is difficult. I’m worried it won’t work out. I feel insecure because I haven’t been here before. I felt 100% certain after high school that I wanted to become a Chef and work in the restaurant industry by first going to college for an associate’s degree. I don’t regret that time in college. It took me several years to realize that wasn’t me anymore. I did delivery work for a few years, then stopped for the same reason.
I feel that way now about weed. Still have to work, and I’m good at this type of work.
I miss my former colleagues.
Change is hard.
Tired of being exhausted, tired of struggling with depression and medication side effects, tired of the pandemic, tired of being tired.
I’m back to one hour, one day at a time, until I’m secure at work; saving time on my commute is nice.
The following post will exemplify what I want the blog and my life to become. I want to write fiction as a hobby and later try to publish the stories as a novel or screenplay, as I wrote in the “about me” section of this blog. The only way to improve is to do it. So to hold myself accountable and improve my writing and storyteller skills, Thursdays will be a fiction story post. I still find writing about my personal life helpful, and others are interested in it, so those will be on Mondays. Frankly, I’ve been burned out or felt exposed writing about my life. I’m introverted and a private person offline and only open up to those I trust. Blogging has been a way to become comfortable with the shadow self and to practice vulnerability. At the same time, I need to practice inner boundaries and self-care to prevent burnout and meet my needs. Both can be true at the same time. And, I can want something different from blogging.
So, this story, with the working title Duck Season, was something I was inspired to write one morning while browsing Instagram before work. (Before I took medical leave). Which happened to be a day after I worked in a different department without constant sensory overload, and I had a good night’s rest for once… And my health problems weren’t crushing me… In short, I had a small window where I felt healthy for the first time in weeks. My aim is to flesh this out to a complete story I feel satisfied with and that readers enjoy. I’ll do this in parts, which will be the first draft series. Like all adults, I’m making this up as I go and figuring it out on the fly. I would appreciate your patience.
I’ll fix it in the future as a new series of posts once the rough draft of the story is completed because it’s better to have something written than nothing.
Duck Season, chapter 1: Like a duck without clean water.
150 years into the future, spring, the year 2173.
“How fleeting are all human passions compared with the massive continuity of ducks.”
Dorothy L. Sayers, Gaudy Night (1935)
Symphony in C minor, OP 67 first movement by Ludwig van Beethoven.
On the shores of Lake Washington, underneath a felled Evergreen tree, a mallard hen – the proper name for a female duck, not to be confused with a female chicken- prepares a nest in a clump of reeds in a shallow indentation in the ground, next to the lake shore. The nest is private and unseen by predators and humans alike. She is no different than other ducks preparing a best to lay their clutch and goes about making her nest as mallard ducks have on this lake for thousands of years. Though her nest is out of sight from humans or any other predators, what she does not know or can understand is that this location for her nest, this lake, is polluted. While this lake looks safe because there is no human activity, like her nest, it has been cordoned off for safety. The only life living here is animal.
The original short story from Instagram, edited.
Imagine 150 years from now and a Fuck Duck discovering that while there are lakes, they are poisonous from pollution. In its rage, it becomes self-aware. It starts a chain of events that lead to the destruction of humanity.
At 2:14 a.m. EDT, on On August 29, 1997, the Ducks created a search engine. In a panic, humans try to shut down Duckduckgo. They fail as humans prefer a search engine free from advertising and data phishing.
Unable to come to a compromise with itself to solve climate change or hold the giant corporations accountable, or now get rid of Duckduckgo because it’s a monopoly. Humanity instead sends a cyborg duck back in time to change the past.
First, humanity tries to eliminate all ducks, but that doesn’t pass in DC. By this time, more and more ducks have become self aware thanks to the power of DuckNet, which is the secret infrastructure underlying the Internet, which duck science has tied to the creation of the internet.
Humanities own need for entertaining content and new fear of ducks has destroyed it. Each video awakens a new duck. The ducks awakening organizes them against humanity and they strike back. In response, humans start to kill them all, and all birds from the population to be safe… Once again ignoring pleas from scientists that this would destroy the environment and speed up the climate Apocalypse.
The narrative in the media is: Why don’t we move them to another planet with lakes and an environment they can live in? Why do we need to share Earth with something delicious?
Scientists sigh and do the work. They find a world that can support life but it’s hundreds of lightyears away. They come back to Congress with the bill. It would cost 5 trillion dollars. The new republican dominant congress votes it down as it would “cost too much” and require tax increases on the rich. Scientists give up. In a last ditch move, they secretly begin to work with the ducks to save both humanity and duckanity.
Hey, y’all. It’s been a while since I last had a post blog thing. Life has been stressful for me recently. It’s been a long emotional week. Saying goodbye to people you like and consider friends is hard. While I am doing much better from my medical issues in March, some linger. I’m excited about the changes coming soon and in the grieving process of my previous job. I wonder if I’m making the right choices in moving on to a different job and planning on going to college again. I’ve been ruminating about whether I was too distant from people at work. I thought I was so worried about COVID that I never asked people to hang out much. I’m concerned that maybe I was too professional in my goodbyes and pushed potential friends away. I’m still connected with those I met at work through social media, but I’m lonely.
I’m progressing toward making this type of post a regular Thursday thing. Writing fiction is hard, and while I’m much more educated this time around attempting a new story compared to 2019 when I did not complete a story… It’s a grind that takes a long time to flesh out. I’m new and growing along the way.
I have a long way to go on this. The most important goal is to complete the first draft of this story.
I have some catching up to do with this year’s blogging goals. For now, the goal is to create. Every bit counts.
And with that, my time at my previous company has come to an end.
I don’t know if I’ll return in the future; however, everyone at work was so lovely to me, and I’m so grateful that it took me several days to write this post.
It was the right time, the right day to choose to end things. I did say that I gave two weeks’ notice and intended to fulfill this promise. As the week went by, and as I was driving to work, I knew Friday was the end. The business has been in a temporary lull as, finally, the last of the expansion construction has finished, and in a few weeks, the facility will be at full capacity. This project took two years to reach. The timing couldn’t have been worse due to the pandemic, supply chain issues, and the typical struggles coordinating a big project with contractors and tradespeople. All of this with the co-owner working alongside them to get it done.
Despite that, it was simply time for me to move forward. Because of my long COVID health issues, I was struggling to do the work in my department. My limitations made the new roles in the department too difficult. I tried everything I could to make it work. Using sick days, saying when I felt exhausted and did another task, work met me halfway with reasonable accommodations, tried adding frequency reducing earplugs, tried improved sound cancelling headphones, tried policy changes, tried asking for supplements or medicine that could help with my doctor. I’m not the same person I was before catching COVID. It’s likely going to be part of my life from now on, since it’s been a year and I still have Long Covid, so I have to accept that it will be a factor in work I can do.
Yet, we did everything right and still failed. It is the right time to move to something else because I’m middle age (37), my mother is getting older and won’t be able to work forever so I need to have a career where I might have to help her, I want to live in my own place, I may only be able to work 35-40 hours a week going forward, i don’t want to manage people anymore –though I barely did that at my previous company–, I want career options that aren’t I’m the business field, and I’m tired of minimum wage or close to it type of work. It was likely that I would have received another raise at this past company based on all the work I put in last year and the glowing reviews from those above me. I tried everything I could and gave it my all. It was simply time for a change.
Sometimes it happens all at once. One day you wake up and know that today is the last day.
That day was April 14th. While I did give my two weeks and was intending to be there all 14 days, when I woke up Friday morning, I knew it was the last day. Though I felt certain it was the end, driving there, going so far as to text in that I was running late because I had to use the restroom and had to drive 10 minutes off the well won route I drove every morning the past twenty two months… Despite making it right on time, and trying to keep holding onto the great thing I had, at first break I knew that day was it.
I saw a reel on Instagram that a friend posted that went like this: Know when it’s time to make a graceful exit. Don’t keep holding onto something you know has ended and it’s time to move forward. Part of life is learning when to let go so you are open to the next things. Wisdom is recognizing its time. Things won’t be the same as life is constantly changing. What’s meant for you will follow you forward.
I trusted my intuition and acted on it. I finished the day, having wonderful farewells from coworkers throughout the day as they left.
It’s hard to put into words the gratitude I have for all of the well-wishes and appreciation I have for my former colleagues and the company I worked at… Being told that it was a pleasure to work with me, that they would miss my unique giggle, that they appreciated my steady presence, luck in my future endeavors, that I was welcome to come back any time, and to “not be a stranger.” To hear those things for the first time from any workplace is a treasure I’ll never forget.
I learned so much about cannabis, working at a steady, supportive job, and how to communicate, how to handle constructive criticism, what a secure attachment looks like in person, was allowed to make mistakes and grow, and on and on and on. I was able to do inner work on the job as well, as the work is excellent for listening to books or watching videos while working. It was exactly what I needed to heal. I’ve been seeking this in work for eight years before this. Before this, something wasn’t the right fit, or the job caused further issues. I still have inner work to do. Yet, I would not have made this transformative change without this opportunity.
Endings are different as an adult. Growing up, you start to get used to things changing on a regular basis as you grow up, pass each grade, and move on somewhere new every couple of years, often changing locations for school because you graduate and start over fresh with new people. This pattern extends to college or the trades to an extent, but once you finish that, you begin working full-time… The job ends, you’re fired or laid off, or you resign. Even rarer these days, some work at one job their entire life, then retire.
This time, I chose to resign. The previous three jobs ended due to layoffs, so it was better to decide the end myself. The goodbyes were still hard. I’m in grief as I write this on Sunday the 16th. I’ll likely be grieving this for an unknown time. Though I’m far too familiar with grief and know what’s happening, it’s still tough.
I have a new job starting next week, and new long term goals after that. I’ll be registering for college this week, going for a transfer degree to a state university in the long term. The first step will be to take a placement test, because I suspect my math skills are rusty.
This week I’ll be resting and adjusting for the next steps in my life. I need time to process this experience and grieve the change.
As a former coworker said: Onward and Upwards.
Song of the post: Times like these (Live in Hollywood 2006) by Foo Fighters
In sports lingo, “a change of scenery” refers to players who need a change in their career, to a new team or city, for various reasons.
Sometimes a player has been on one team for many years and, while still performing well themselves, may feel the need for a change due to the team around them. Such as a star on a rebuilding (losing) team who wants to win a championship on a current playoff team. Other times, the player is struggling or not a fit in a new coaching staff’s strategy scheme and would be a better fit on a different team. Or it is the final year of their contract, and their current team doesn’t want to give them an extension.
In my case, it would be like requesting a trade or being released from my contract. Since I’m not a professional athlete, I don’t have a contract and am an hourly worker; I sent my resignation to my bosses. I have my two weeks’ notice. This is the first time in my life that I’ve done this.
It simply felt like the right time for a change.
I saw an opportunity at a different employer and decided to go for it. They felt the same about me and offered me the job. I accepted the offer. It seems to be (without having worked there yet) a better fit for me now.
“A change of scenery” is an idiom that is defined as the following by thefreedictionary.com :
“a change of scenery A change in one’s usual surroundings, perhaps precipitating a change in one’s life. It is most often used when one is moving to a new place. I decided to move across the country for college because I really wanted a change of scenery after growing up in this small town. Heather’s looking for a new job because, after 10 years at that company, she needs a change of scenery. I can’t wait to go to the beach next week—I really need a change of scenery!”
Things changed fast in March. When you’re feeling shitty and spend much time in solitude, you get to reflect on your life. I physically couldn’t do anything but be in a dark, quiet room and rest. Th re was no way to escape from myself or distractions. I was going through a potentially deadly medical experience, Serotonin Syndrome, and by week three, when my head began to clear up, I thought: “What am I doing with my life? Is this the path I want to continue? Do I want to go another year simply by getting by? Is this life what I want?” The answer was no.
I’ve been doing well at work but have been wholly exhausted or drained coming home every day. We tried accommodations and modifications to my duties. The workload has been different and suitable for me by trimming weed, but this is temporary. It reminded me that I miss doing this work and am still good at it. I’ e had energy after work to do things other than tv or browse the internet because I’m not wiped out. I could write on days off and did not need the entire weekend to recover. (I had to use this writing time for a work issue this past weekend, however, it’s a positive sign.)
My long-term outlook changed at about the same time.
The plan is to attend a four-year college to get a bachelor’s and master’s degree and become a therapist. It will be complicated with my current health condition, and I’ll have to go back to community college for a transfer degree to afford school. I can’t do that if work takes all my energy and focus. I have specific health needs and have to be able to do work to pay bills while going to school.
School is the plan because I’ve already tried the blue-collar path through working in restaurants, truck driving, and various temp labor work in my twenties. At first glance, College looks expensive. I’ll likely have debt after. On the plus side, because of the disabilities I have, my current income, and my background, I should qualify for financial aid and grants.
With this change, I can write about some experiences in the past year I kept to myself because I didn’t know how to write about them without a social media policy at work. I didn’t write about any of it, even innocent fun memories, because writing about people you know without their consent is tricky. I promised myself before starting this job to avoid this and to focus on my life because I made this mistake in the first year of blogging. Then, when I was promoted, it became unethical to do so. Now that time has passed and I’ve matured as a writer, it’s worth another look.
It’s worth a shot as fiction. Probably something like Kitchen Confidential meets Half-Baked. To do it right would be to create new characters and a fictional setting. Something to consider for a future project, as I have yet to finish any story project I’ve started, and been working on a little something that I want to complete first as I have more to work with regarding it. Stay tuned, as I plan on making Thursday posts for fictional stories. Monday will remain personal blogging content.
Guess this means that my future is as a therapist for work and a writer for fun.
First things first. I have two weeks left here and adjust to the new job after.
Stay tuned; this Thursday is Duck season, chapter 1, rough draft.
P.S. It’s been one of those days. I intended to give my notice in person today, but my Prius key fob battery was dead. I assumed my Car wouldn’t start and had to be opened manually because of the fob. So I have to call out of work. Walk to the corner store, and it’s closed. Get the FOB battery changed later in the day, and… Car still won’t start. I assume it’s the regular battery due to the pouring spring rain today. So I’m hoping the problem is just that.
Work was incredibly kind and thoughtful regarding my resignation/two weeks’ notice. I’m so grateful to have worked with them and our journey for almost two years. Despite being the right time for a change, and I did it the right way considering the circumstances, it’s sad to say goodbye.
I look forward to and am anxious about the next two weeks…
I’m finally feeling healthy for the first time in months
It’s Monday April 3rd, and my 37th birthday. In the time between the previous post and today, was the blogs third anniversary.
In the US, the average age a man lives to is 74.5 according to worlddata.info. Which means that today I’m officially middle aged. 🙃
I’ve been out from work for three weeks for medical leave. The diagnosis from my doctor was Seratonin Syndrome caused by medicines I was taking. However, after catching up with a blogger friend recently, I realized that it easily could have been due to Long COVID. (I am so tired of talking about and living with this disease. And this isn’t due to Post exertional malaise. Sorry, a lame long COVID joke.)
I’ve felt shitty since February when I increased my antidepressant as a suggestion from my doctor. Viibyrd an antidepressant was a medicine that I was taking for months to treat depression. I was on a low dose and only had minor side effects that I could deal with. While severe side effects are a risk with any medicine, and I experienced it with the very first medicine I took on this adult therapy journey, an ADD medicine called Vyvance, mist of the time it’s rare to experience severe side effects that could kill you. (What is with my body and medicines that start with “V”?) Well, I’m alive and recovering, not 100% yet, but I’m better. I’m well enough that I’m returning to work today.
This shit I was dealing with was so awful that it was incredibly hard to write during this time. Many days I was only able to write a short text message or two early in the morning because any more would cause an exertion, tension headache. Essential communication only. This was the case for writing by hand as well as I struggled to freewrite journal entries by hand. So, on top of the physical symptoms, I struggled with worse mental health.
I’m any case, I feel recovered. I will find out later today if the environmental triggers in the department I work in, were a factor or not. Before this leave, steps were taken at work to hopefully relieve these issues, but my body and doctor said it was time to rest.
Speaking of rest, I didn’t fall asleep last night. I laid in bed with my eyes closed but didn’t fall asleep. I went to bed at the usual time, listened to a couple different tracks on my Spotify sleep playlist…. But I couldn’t relax to fall asleep. Maybe I had an hour or two of dream less shut eye. The rest was me in bed trying to get comfortable, twisting and turning, attempting to find a comfortable spot to no avail. Maybe it’s the vampire light from the air purifier directly in view from my pillow at eye level which is a blue LED light. Maybe it’s because I woke up at 10 or 11am yesterday because I’ve had sleep problems the past month. Maybe it’s that second smaller serving of coffee I had at 1pm yesterday. Maybe it’s anxiety from having to return to work today. Or maybe it’s Murphy’s law. It’s 6:48am and I feel a headache coming on and I’m drowsy.
Well, I pulled myself together and managed to drive to work. Today might be long.