I had a small mix up this week about the day I started this blog. I thought I started it on Thursday (Maybe I did create it, on the 25th… Then published the first post two days later). A quick check showed my error. Guess I am getting older 🤷. Lol.
It’s been one year since the first post! WooHoo! 🎉 🌟
Boy, I really am in a slump. Even writing this short post was like pulling teeth…
This has been a long term problem I’ve had with blogging and writing. I don’t know why I’m doing it and not passionate anymore. I think it’s simply burnout. Or pandemic fatigue. Writing hasn’t felt fulfilling for a while. The blog’s anniversary is coming up on the 25th, and other than that, I have nothing to write about. Nothing is burning inside to motivate me. My life has been pretty repetitive due to the pandemic and not much inspires me. This isn’t due to the depression I deal with or any other health problem. Maybe this need to write will come back later after I get vaccinated and as things open again, and I can have a full life with experiences to draw from.
I simply don’t know why I do this. So I’m going to take a break from blogging. I plan on one more post for March on the Blog anniversary on the 25th, and a post on my birthday on April 3rd. After that, nothing is planned. I’ll see how I feel then.
I am also taking a break from dating. This has already been going on recently as I’ve paused my profile on the dating apps I use. I haven’t had success or many matches on Bumble, Tinder, or Hinge. Then again, I haven’t really used them much, or been interested. Even women I was attracted to in the past I don’t feel attracted to. I’ve never liked dating, I don’t like meeting new people, and I feel the rejection has made me bitter. Even thinking about opening the apps is nauseating. Even if I won the dating lotto and met someone today (Not likely), I’d feel like “whatever”.
I’m not ready to date. Dating feels like a gigantic waste of time for little reward.
With everything I’ve learned about dating and relationships the past year, instead of motivating me to improve, it’s turned me off dating and women because of how they act in that area of life. It’s like they are employers, and you are going into a job interview with no/little idea of what they want or who they are, and they want you to conduct the interview too. I don’t see how this adds to my life in anyway that friends or family don’t already do. It’s not worth it. The older I get the stronger I feel about this. Maybe this is permanent. For now, I’m not putting any effort into changing this. (It would take a lot… I have overwhelmingly negative experiences with dating.)
Meh.
Well, that was real positive…
It was the longest interview I’ve ever had. About 80 minutes long. It was the first in person interview I’ve had since October last year. And as has become custom in the pandemic, wearing masks and distancing. I was there for an experienced joint roller job at another local cannabis company. This type of job is a classic productive warehouse/small business work culture.
One of my biggest weaknesses in life is selling myself. It’s not a natural thing for me. It’s completely artificial because the world demands you sell yourself. Because humans are in competition with each other to survive. This is an issue I struggle with in job hunting and dating. I feel I’ve learned enough over the years from google how to perform well in interviews, how to write your resume, and how to write a cover letter. I don’t enjoy doing these things. I’m not a people person. With interviews I want to get it over with as efficient as possible. I’ve mainly been an entry level worker, so a long interview isn’t necessary.
Edit: Had a friend remind me of important detail I forgot to mention. The company is successful because so many people working there are happy and been working there for years. I didn’t know that this friend works there! I guess I have been overthinking this.
Maybe this is a red flag. There were positive things my interviewer mentioned about my resume and cover letter, and my responses to his questions. He gave me helpful feedback on how my resume could be better, and specific things he liked. Something has been bothering me about this experience since.
I’m nervous because if I’m hired, I feel I really have to bring my best to work every day. I got the impression that speed and production were important values for my potential boss. It was a very thorough interview… Which put me a bit off because of the total pay/benefits for an entry level job. I understand you want productive, hard working, committed workers. 80 minutes for this level of job is weird. Hm.
I started to think: “Is this how it will be every day working here? Constantly challenged to be more, to be better?” “Maybe I’m not productive enough yet. Do I really want this lifestyle?” “Am I really the best person for this company?” “Is this impression from the interview be a reflection of working here?” Maybe I didn’t represent myself accurately and was people pleasing again.
Will this company, this job, match my values and potential future I want?
Being at a competitive possible cut throat place could be good for me. It feels like years since I felt like I had something to prove or want to compete. For a long time, I’ve been stuck in survival mode. My worry is that I won’t be able to keep up. I wonder if I would actually be able to keep up under close scrutiny. Maybe I could grow in ways I couldn’t elsewhere.
I dunno. Maybe this change in attitude came from my pessimism about capitalism. “Competition” for workers in my experience usually means “easily replaced”. He said the most of the employees have been there for years, and the ones that haven’t are new hires due to growth.
Do I really want to spend 40 hours a week here? If I’m wrong, I could lose unemployment. I felt I handled the interview well. Is this good anxiety grounded in reality? I hope my worries are a hold over of unhelpful learned patterns. Hope for the best, expect the worst… A survival mindset.
The take away no matter what happens when I find out late next week is: I’m ready for more in life. I’m ready to figure out my future.
Playing with my cats at anytime of the day.
Coco calling me to the living room to watch her play, or have me play with her.
Coco coming into my room, to my feet, looking up at me, dashing up me like a ramp, and standing on me to snuggle. Pressing against my face for lovies.
Visiting the kitties as they sleep in the sun mid day.
Eating whenever I feel hungry. (Though the consequences have been massive weight gain.)
Being able to sleep until rested.
Being able to cook whenever and whatever I want.
Song of the week: Under Star by Shocking Lemon. From the anime “Hajime no Ippo”
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Warning: Naruto spoilers.
Nindō is a philosophy from the Japanese tv show Naruto, an epic fantasy about ninjas with powers. The main character is Naruto, a teenage boy who has an evil demon fox sealed inside him. He starts the series as an outcast. He starts the show as a failure, not being good at anything or having anyone as a support. His parents died before the show began due to the demon fox inside him.
Nindō (忍道, literally meaning: Ninja Way) is a personal rule that each shinobi lives by. It is their way of ninja life, their motto, belief, or “dream”. A ninja’s nindō can be anything, no matter how immoral their personal point of view is. Most often Naruto Uzumaki proclaims his ninja way, to be: “I’m not gonna run away and I never go back on my word, that is my nindō! My ninja way!”
Like the show, I’ve changed quite a bit since I was introduced to it back in 2002/2003. I was in my sophomore year in highschool, and I watched it week to week as it was aired in Japan. My friends and I would watch it not long after it aired live in Japan thanks to the awesome power of the internet. Anonymous fans would translate it, add subtitles in english, them upload it online for free. All anyone had to do to get it was to know where to get it. Which wasn’t that difficult, most message boards, or a simple google search would tell you how and where to find it. Thanks to the internet, and pirates, you could watch anything ever made from anywhere in the world… Legality be damned. Which I didn’t care as a first generation internet user. I’m old enough to remember being introduced to AOL by my aunt only a couple years earlier. It didn’t take long for me, my brother, or my friends to master using the internet.
Anyway… I was talking about Naruto, and nindō, and how it relates to now. Since Naruto started, it’s been one of my worlds. It’s Epic fantasy, and of the shonen genre, so these types of fiction last a long time. Naruto took 15 years for the original comic, and about the same amount of time for the tv show to finish. A new chapter would be made each week, with some random breaks for the author, Masahi Kishimoto, every so often. Last year in 2020, I finally got around to finishing watching the anime (animated tv show) from the beginning part two. Watching it through now as an adult, and rewatching some episodes, hit differently. It made me remember good times in the past talking about the show with friends from high school, and later in college with them.
Naruto at it’s core is the heroes journey.
Naruto starts as a child, with nothing, not good at anything, and completely alone. He is shunned because of the demon fox inside him, that he is born with. Watching again now, during the pandemic, as I struggle in my own life, is necessary medicine. It sure would be nice to have my mental health problems be hidden strengths or demons I could master instead of weaknesses. But, this is reality instead of fiction.
Naruto succeeds because he doesn’t give up. He makes his worst skill a strength. He wins over people and eventually his inner demon due to his super human persistence. He is successful because he wins over the support of others 1 at a time. We learn in the first episode that the first person he wins over, Iruka sensei, had his parents murdered by the same demon fox inside Naruto. Iruka forgives Naruto despite this because he went through the same struggles as Naruto. Through empathy, and forgiveness, and Iruka sacrificing himself to protect Naruto does Naruto begin to believe in himself and stand up for himself. He is successful because he has dreams (Massive goals). He is successful because he has supporters in his life that he wins over. Naruto is constantly telling everyone about his goal to become Hokage. To be recognized by everyone in his ninja village. He is successful because he has a way of life. A Nindō.
Once again, a Nindō is:
Nindō (忍道, literally meaning: Ninja Way) is a personal rule that each shinobi lives by. It is their way of ninja life, their motto, belief, or “dream”. A ninja’s nindō can be anything, no matter how immoral their personal point of view is. Most often Naruto Uzumaki proclaims his ninja way, to be: “I’m not gonna run away and I never go back on my word, that is my nindō! My ninja way!”
My way of life? For a long time, it’s been survival. I’ve been in the mental health treatment struggle since 2008. I struggled with establishing a career, or being employed at one place for a long time. I sacrificed a social life due to the work cultures around the restaurant (and to a lesser degree) trucking industries, finding time for therapy, and avoiding interaction with new people because I didn’t feel healthy. Nothing’s been stable.
My previous long term job as a cannabis processor at Willie’s Reserve (which closed their only state branch last January) gave me a taste of stability and socializing I’ve missed for years. The kind you can only fulfill with coworkers and friends. This past year has shown me that I need to take the initiative with friendship. It isn’t the same interacting over social media.
I have to figure this out, and put in the effort because nobody else will. Or as Mel Robbins said: “Nobody will stop you.”
To start, I need to continue to recognize and celebrate the progress I make. I’m not at rock bottom anymore. I’m in the process of changing, though it’s slow.
I’m not sure what I want to do for a career, or if I really want one. For now, I’ll find something to pay the bills.
My primary goal is to move out of Seattle, and out of the house I’ve always lived. So I need a place that will be affordable, hopefully not a long commute, and accepts cats. I’d rather not live with roommates if possible.
I’m still new at this new chapter of life. So continue on practicing values. My future feels hazy, yet I feel it’s becoming less so.
I’ve felt unsure about posting this for a while since it didn’t feel like the right time. I technically “finished” watching Naruto last year, and started this in January. I need to figure out new goals for blogging. A different creative approach that fits my life now compared to last year. I look forward to the pandemic being over!
Thanks for reading!
“To learn patience is to rebel against every hardship.”
Henry Nouwen.
So, about 2 weeks ago, I quietly returned to the dating pool. Which for the time being, is online dating. Yeah, I have work to do on myself. Yeah, I’m unemployed and looking for work. Yeah I rent from my mom. So what? I don’t like it either, but I’m working on improving these things. I’m worthy, I have good things I can offer too!
I find myself discovering what I want from a future partner by browsing people’s dating profiles. It’s helping me to discover myself and the life I want.
I’m getting better at my worst life skill, dating! Yay!
Social skills aren’t a natural strength for me. (I’m a classic introvert.) That said, the pandemic has tested my limit for being alone. Turns out I do like being around people, and not being a complete hermit. Some is cool.
Lately I’ve been dreaming of the day covid is over because everyone’s vaccinated. For the first time, I want to throw a big party to appreciate everything I took for granted because of the pandemic. I look forward to do activities in person again.
I feel I made a breakthrough on Monday. It feels like a combination of many little things. I’m grateful to achieve this! My hard work in therapy is paying off! Seems a higher dose of buspirone, the anxiety medication I take, and doxepin for sleep was just what I needed. I felt tired and out of it last month because I was recovering from poor sleep for so long. Nothing like waking up rested, and dreaming again.
What I want to do by this time next year is to move out. This is something that I’ve wanted to do for years, but life kept getting in the way. Finally it feels like life is turning around. The next step is to get a job, then figure out the long term career problem. One step at a time.
Gotta celebrate each step forward along the way!
I wonder what the future will bring?
Reilly's blog 