Glimpse of a future

Had an in person interview yesterday

It was the longest interview I’ve ever had. About 80 minutes long. It was the first in person interview I’ve had since October last year. And as has become custom in the pandemic, wearing masks and distancing. I was there for an experienced joint roller job at another local cannabis company. This type of job is a classic productive warehouse/small business work culture.

One of my biggest weaknesses in life is selling myself. It’s not a natural thing for me. It’s completely artificial because the world demands you sell yourself. Because humans are in competition with each other to survive. This is an issue I struggle with in job hunting and dating. I feel I’ve learned enough over the years from google how to perform well in interviews, how to write your resume, and how to write a cover letter. I don’t enjoy doing these things. I’m not a people person. With interviews I want to get it over with as efficient as possible. I’ve mainly been an entry level worker, so a long interview isn’t necessary.

Edit: Had a friend remind me of important detail I forgot to mention. The company is successful because so many people working there are happy and been working there for years. I didn’t know that this friend works there! I guess I have been overthinking this.

Maybe this is a red flag. There were positive things my interviewer mentioned about my resume and cover letter, and my responses to his questions. He gave me helpful feedback on how my resume could be better, and specific things he liked. Something has been bothering me about this experience since.

I’m nervous because if I’m hired, I feel I really have to bring my best to work every day. I got the impression that speed and production were important values for my potential boss. It was a very thorough interview… Which put me a bit off because of the total pay/benefits for an entry level job. I understand you want productive, hard working, committed workers. 80 minutes for this level of job is weird. Hm.

I started to think: “Is this how it will be every day working here? Constantly challenged to be more, to be better?” “Maybe I’m not productive enough yet. Do I really want this lifestyle?” “Am I really the best person for this company?” “Is this impression from the interview be a reflection of working here?” Maybe I didn’t represent myself accurately and was people pleasing again.

Will this company, this job, match my values and potential future I want?

Being at a competitive possible cut throat place could be good for me. It feels like years since I felt like I had something to prove or want to compete. For a long time, I’ve been stuck in survival mode. My worry is that I won’t be able to keep up. I wonder if I would actually be able to keep up under close scrutiny. Maybe I could grow in ways I couldn’t elsewhere.

I dunno. Maybe this change in attitude came from my pessimism about capitalism. “Competition” for workers in my experience usually means “easily replaced”. He said the most of the employees have been there for years, and the ones that haven’t are new hires due to growth.

Do I really want to spend 40 hours a week here? If I’m wrong, I could lose unemployment. I felt I handled the interview well. Is this good anxiety grounded in reality? I hope my worries are a hold over of unhelpful learned patterns. Hope for the best, expect the worst… A survival mindset.

The take away no matter what happens when I find out late next week is: I’m ready for more in life. I’m ready to figure out my future.

The little things I have to give up to be working

Playing with my cats at anytime of the day.

Coco calling me to the living room to watch her play, or have me play with her.

Coco coming into my room, to my feet, looking up at me, dashing up me like a ramp, and standing on me to snuggle. Pressing against my face for lovies.

Visiting the kitties as they sleep in the sun mid day.

Eating whenever I feel hungry. (Though the consequences have been massive weight gain.)

Being able to sleep until rested.

Being able to cook whenever and whatever I want.

Song of the week: Under Star by Shocking Lemon. From the anime “Hajime no Ippo”

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