Category Archives: Work

Burned out, Frozen In.

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A zoomed in picture of my car from the Ice storm in Seattle, December 23rd, 2022. The car is a white prius. There is so much ice that there is a reflection of my car on the surface.

Frozen in.

It’s 36 degrees Fahrenheit outside today. It’s been cold and snowing all week, and last night was an ice storm.

I called out one day this week because I felt unsafe driving to work. My Prius spins out in normal conditions; I’m not going to risk driving on ice. I may need new tires. It’s probably how the car is. I drive safely and maintain it, and the mileage is about 69k.

I’m waiting on whether or not work will be open today. One more hour and the boss will give the word. That said, I’m leaning on staying home for safety because conditions haven’t changed much since 730am.

Today is a metaphor for how I’ve felt about my life outside of work. Frozen in place, surrounded by ice.

Burned out

I’m thriving at work, getting attention for working hard, and pushing myself to do things that I’ve never done at any job before, and I’m proud of myself for that. Proud but exhausted.

In the past month, I’ve: written 4 SOPS or standard operating procedures for work and writing a draft for two more. I can do this now because of my strong relationships with my department lead, boss, and ownership. There’s mutual trust and respect. This is possible because I stuck with this company when times were tough earlier in the year. This is possible. After all, I bet on myself because I chose to respond to situations differently than I had in the past. I decided not to give up.

I’m in charge of planning a Holiday Potluck Party for next month. I’m excited about that while being worried about it being a super spreader covid event 1 year after I got covid at a Pizza party I threw at work. I’m so tired of being worried about covid… This time will be different. I will do everything I can to prevent this from happening again.

Along with this, I’m making friends at work! Didn’t think it would be possible to be friends with a boss and have professional boundaries.

I’m successful. Finally! Despite this long-ass journey to find secure work, I’m successful because I’ve worked hard in therapy, despite years of struggling to find that too. All this persistence is paying off. Next month will be 1 year since I became a manager. My time was short as a manager. However, I’m content being an assistant manager.

Long-term, career-wise, I don’t want to own my own business or manage people as a life. I don’t know what I want to do, and that’s okay. I could manage a small group of people in the future like I’m doing now, but I’d prefer not to. It’s not a strength, and my social battery drains fast.

Physically I can’t be a full-time manager. I can’t because of long covid. Next month will be a year since I caught covid, and I’m just coming to terms with the fact that I might have this for the rest of my life. Maybe it will heal on its own like some who have long covid. Possibly there will be a cure. For now, I have to live with it. I am doing better compared to earlier in 2022… But it’s a daily thing to manage.

I’ve been getting by this month, getting home, watching anime, and going to bed early.

I shouldn’t be dating right now.

I’ve had some time to reflect on how I’m living and showing up outside of work, and I don’t enjoy seeing how I am.

I go to work and come home to watch an anime show, tv show, or movie I’ve watched several times before for comfort while browsing Instagram and occasionally playing with Coconut or playing video games.

I’ve let myself go, and I’m over 240 pounds… The heaviest I’ve ever weighed. It’s no wonder, considering how unhealthy I eat.

At the same time, I have to acknowledge that I am a disabled person because of Long Covid. Next month will be a year since I caught Covid. I have a chronic illness that doesn’t have a cure and might never ever have a cure. Medicines and treatments might be on the way, but I can’t control that. I am hopeful that treatments and drugs will come because I don’t want to pray for bad things to happen. Until then, I have to accept that it is my life. I’ve become a different person than I was a year ago. I haven’t come to terms with that.

I was browsing DuckDuckGo, searching various phrases, and I found this article by Dr. Nerdlove titled “How Do I Date When I Have A Disability?“ that I came up with as a related blog post at the end of “5 Times When You Shouldn’t Be Dating”. The original article is helpful, but it didn’t nail why I’ve felt this unique frustration that I have felt this year and the past couple of years. I should be taking a date from dating, but I didn’t know why. I can’t change if I don’t understand the problem. Knowing why helps me challenge anxious or depressing thoughts that come up. Knowing why helps me set boundaries and be mindful of when I need self-care. The article is much longer and has a bunch of helpful gems in it, but for the sake of this blog post, I feel this portion nails how I feel:

“I wonder – and you’ll have to tell me if I’m wrong about this – if part of the problem is that you’re still in the adjustment period. I mean, come on, you just had your life blown apart in a way that’s changed everything for you. Yeah, it’s been three years, but that’s less than a tenth of your life; you had thirty years of living life one way, then suddenly having to change almost everything. That’s not a lot of time to come to terms, to mourn or to build the new systems that work for you. And while I have no doubt that you’re a magnificent badass with the heart of a volcano and the passion of a thousand burning suns in your soul, even Lucifer needed time to say “well…. fuck” after hitting the ground.

So it may be worth looking inward and seeing if you’re still holding yourself to standards – the “good working order” – that are literally impossible any more. Acknowledging your disability doesn’t mean you’re “not in good working order”, it means recognizing that you have a new reality and you need to adapt to it. Being upset at how your life changed and what you’ve had to give up – at least for now – doesn’t mean you’re not fit to share your life with anyone. Acknowledging that you’re lonely and feeling isolated and wanting more doesn’t mean that you’re not fit to date, it means you’re dealing with some shit.

So maybe… be a little easier on yourself for the moment and deal with that shit. Recognize that life is different, your operating rules are different and maybe your definition of “in good working order” needs to adjust as well.

“But it’s been three years!” I hear you cry. “Treatment and therapy hasn’t helped.”

OK… but are you sure that the therapy you’ve been getting is what you need? Is it possible that maybe you don’t have the right therapist? Or, hear me out: is it possible that you’re trying to fit into an able-bodied framework when you simply aren’t abled anymore?”

https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-do-i-date-when-i-have-a-disability/

I’m burned out from dating and need a break. I will feel much safer after winter, and I don’t have to worry about catching covid again.

Yay, I managed to grind out a post…

On any given Fantasy Football Sunday

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The image above is previous weeks fantasy football score

This post’s title is a play on the movie Any Given Sunday. This movie is alright if you like American Football. This speech delivered by Al Pacino, who stars in the movie is pretty good.

The picture above is week 6 of our works fantasy football score between a coworker and me.

I was ahead in points 107.92 to 86.26 and won because the running back he has waiting to play, Jamaal Williams, is on the NFL injured list. He has one other player who is not playing -Tight End Darren Waller- whose team is on a Bye or a week off this week. These are choices… In this case, my intention was not to do anything by my co-worker. He was asked to participate in the fantasy football league because we needed at least 10 people. So, he was there for the draft and set his roster back in September before the NFL season. He is 1-4 after 5 games, and I am 4-1 after 5. His registration is decent, and he had a good chance of winning against me this week, but he did not because he joined because my coworkers and I were more invested in playing Fantasy Football this NFL season.

If he had changed J. Williams and Waller for another player, he might have beaten me. I ended up squeaking by with the win. That gap in points at those roster spots was small enough to hit.

What is Fantasy Football?

Fantasy Football
Kinda, lol.

From Sports Illustrated:

“

Fantasy football … That thing everyone talks about around the water cooler. Well, fantasy football is a game that allows you to be the owner, GM and coach of your very own football team. Competing against your friends, you draft a team made up of NFL players and based on their on-field performance in a given week, you score points. For example, if you have Lamar Jackson on your team and he throws a touchdown, your team scores points. Add up all the points and the team with the most at the end of the NFL week is the winner. Not too complicated, right? Well, maybe, maybe not.

In addition to drafts at the start of the season, there are also auction leagues. This is another league type that will be further explained later. As the game has grown, the complexity has grown along with it. But at the end of the day, your team competes in a league typically composed of 10 or 12 teams. Each week, you go head-to-head against a different team.

If a player is struggling, you can release him, just like in the NFL. You can trade with other teams. And if no one has a player on their team, they are available to be added to your roster from the waiver wire.

Just like the NFL, your league has a postseason as well. The fantasy playoffs are usually played from Weeks 14-16. In the final week, a champion is crowned! You can play for fun, you can play for money. Either way, that’s fantasy football!”

https://www.si.com/fantasy/2020/04/04/fantasy-football-advice-guide-for-beginners

Why play Fantasy Football?

It’s a way to connect with people. I am connecting with people at work who like the NFL or want to be part of a group activity. I like stats, things that require attention to detail; I grew up in the Moneyball era of baseball, and I love fantasy sports-themed manager games such as the Out of the Park Baseball Series and Front Office Football 7 (Between these two PC game series, I have probably have played about 6000 hours over the past 13 years… When I had problems finding consistent work), so this is right up my alley. And I get to play against other people around work. A needed boon for my social life and deepening relationships with others at work. I wouldn’t be surprised if this resulted in friendships later on.

Suppose you have a competitive streak like I do. In that case, you can have an edge on your league mates by reading NFL news, watching videos on Youtube by long-time Fantasy Football channels, reading blogs dedicated to the different styles of leagues, or subscribing to services such as ESPN+ to get expert takes.

Nobody really is an expert in this. The stats estimate each player’s value, or what they feel based on observation, past experience playing this game, or making decisions based on team and player news; in a nutshell, it’s gambling. Some Fantasy leagues are gambling, others for the fun of it. As the season continues, however, you start to get an idea if players can succeed after enough stats have accumulated. So, if a star player goes against a poor defense or a poor defender, you can assume they will produce points.

Naturally, I did research before our league draft was held.

How are points scored?

“In a standard league, the eight players on a team’s active roster earn points based on the statistics they generate in actual NFL games. These fantasy points are added together for a weekly team score. Statistics from bench players do NOT earn fantasy points. The winner of an fantasy football game is the team with more points earned for the week (two weeks for playoff games). In the event that both you and your opponent accumulate the same number of points, a tie will be awarded. No playoff game can end in a tie (see the Playoffs page for more information).

Offense:
Quarterbacks (QB), Running Backs (RB), Wide Receivers (WR), Tight Ends (TE)
6 pts per rushing or receiving TD
6 pts for player returning kick/punt for TD
6 pts for player returning or recovering a fumble for TD
4 pts per passing TD
2 pts per rushing or receiving 2 pt conversion (note: teams do not receive points
for yardage gained during the conversion)
2 pts per passing 2 pt conversion
1 pt per 10 yards rushing or receiving
1 pt per 25 yards passing

Bonus Points
2 pts per rushing or receiving TD of 40 yards or more
2 pts per passing TD of 40 yards or more
(note: the player must score a touchdown to score the points)

Penalty Points
-2 pts per intercepted pass
-2 pts per fumble lost

Kickers (K)
5 pts per 50+ yard FG made
4 pts per 40-49 yard FG made
3 pts per FG made, 39 yards or less
2 pts per rushing, passing, or receiving 2 pt conversion
1 pt per Extra Point made
Penalty Points
-2 pts per missed FG (0-39 yds)
-1 pt per missed FG (40-49 yds)
(note: a missed FG includes any attempt that is blocked, deflected, etc.)

Defensive/Special Teams (D)

3 pts per defensive or special teams TD
2 pts per interception
2 pts per fumble recovery (Note: includes a fumble by the opposing team out of the end zone)
2 pts per blocked punt, PAT, or FG (Note: a deflected kick of any kind does not receive points)
2 pts per safety
1 pt per sack”

https://www.espn.com/fantasy/football/ffl/story?page=fflrulesstandardscoring

Each play in an NFL game by players who meet these requirements are given points based on the above criteria.

Week 8 of fantasy football
An example of having a bad week. I did have players on the bench who performed well, but this is the result. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.
In Fantasy Football, sometimes you become a clown meme
Some weeks are like this. 🤡

Who is my team?

My fantasy football team part 2, the bench

Starting Fantasy Football lineup:

  • Quarterback (QB): Patrick Mahomes. Kansas City Chiefs. 5th overall at his position, but can be the best in the NFL when he’s on.
  • Running back 1(RB): Joe Mixon. Cincinnati Bengals. 14th overall in points at this position.
  • Running back 2: Raheem Mostert. Miami Dolphins. 27th overall at his position. I picked him up on waivers September 21st. Been solid since.
  • Wide Reciever 1(WR): Justin Jefferson. Minnesota Vikings. 5th overall at position, and was the 5th overall pick in the first round in our initial draft.
  • Wide Receiver 2: Amon-Ra St. Brown. Detroit Lions. 28th overall at his position, but has been injured a few games this year. When healthy is one of the top 10.
  • Tight End (TE): Hayden Hurst. Cincinnati Bengals. While a waiver pickup, and my backup or Flex Tight End, and 11th in points, Hurst is my starting player this week because starter George Kittle is on Bye (or off week). One of the better waiver pickups I’ve made thanks to information by ESPN.
  • Flex spot 1: Allen Lazard. Green Bay Packers. 36th overall at Wide Receiver. Before the season when I chose him during the draft, I thought that he would be higher up based on being on a team with legendary QB Aaron Rogers. He has been solid, but not a top end player I expected. Oh well.
  • Flex spot 2: Khalil Herbert. Chicago Bears. 20th at position. Picked up on waivers on Monday…. Started him today, and he didn’t do well.
  • Defense (DEF): Buffalo Bills. Each fantasy team chooses one NFL team defense to have as a starter. 3rd overall at position.
  • Kicker (K): Daniel Carlson. Las Vegas Raiders. 5th at position, been great all year.

Fantasy Football Bench:

  • Bench 1: George Kittle. Tight End. San Francisco 49ers. 12th overall in points, usually my starting TE. Is on a BYE week.
  • Bench 2: Garret Wilson. Wide Receiver. New York Jets. 32nd overall at position, a rookie player, but is looking good lately.
  • Bench 3: Romeo Doubs. Wide Receiver. Green Bay Packers. 40th overall at position. Got him on waivers, but I’m not sure with his team offense being strangely inconsistent this year.
  • Bench 4: Alec Pierce. Wide Receiver. Indianapolis Colts. 49th at position. Another wavier add.
  • Bench 5: Pat Freiermuth. Tight End. Pittsburgh Steelers. 9th at position. On Bye, a great waiver add.
  • Bench 6: Isiah Pacheco. Running Back. Kansas City Chiefs. 66th at position. Waiver add. From what I’ve read, he could be a good late season pickup as The Chiefs like him as their top RB.
  • Bench 7: George Pickens. Wide Reciever. Pittsburgh Steelers. 51 at position. Wavier add. But looking to be the top Wide receiver on the Steelers.
  • Injury reserve: Jameson Williams. Wide Receiver. Detroit Lions. Has been injured all year with an ACL injury, but is looking to be back in in December. Was the 12th overall pick in the 2022 NFL draft by the Lions, and was known as a really good WR in college, so hes a gamble pick for December.

Team name

The team name that I chose is a reference to the anime One Piece. It currently has 1,039 episodes and has been published as a manga or comic in Japan since July 1997. It’s an epic fantasy set in an ocean punk world, and the story is maybe 70-80 complete. Only the author knows.

The name is specifically the devil fruit of the main character Monkey D Luffy. Gomu gomu no mi, or Gum Gum fruit in English is a magical fruit that gives the person who eats it in that story a specific magical power. In Luffys case, he becomes a rubber man with the properties of rubber.

Luffy eating the gum gum fruit
Luffy eating the gum gum fruit, and my team logo.

My teams current overall record is 6-2 on week 9. Which is 2nd place in my division, and tired for 2nd best record in the league. That might change after today as I am in a close match with a team who has a record of 5-3 with a good roster. We will know after the 520pm game.

Update: it is 511pm and my opponent is ahead 140.42 to 140.2, and we both have a star player left to play. If I don’t score at least 0.43 points than my coworker, I will lose by the smallest margin this season. I am wishing that my Star player, Patrick Mahomes and his team The Kansas City Chiefs defense can stop Derrick Henry of the Tennessee Titans. It could go either way, as Henry is the focus of the Titans Offense.

Conclusion

This will be the first part of two posts, maybe 3?, about this Fantasy Football Season at work. I haven’t written much in the past few months due to my health, and had to prioritize that, so we will see how many and how often I post. I am hoping for at least 1 post a week for now. Finding time while working a full time job, and dealing with long covid, the smokey weather, and self care has been tough. The forest fire smoke has been gone for a couple weeks, its finally cold, and I am starting to feel healthier again.

The Mariners 2022 ALDS, Game 1. (Part 2 of 3)

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This is part 2 of a series about the Seattle Mariners baseball team Postseason. The other parts are linked below:

Part 3, the conclusion:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/10/17/the-mariners-2022-alds-continued/

Part 1, The beginning:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/10/11/my-oh-my-mariners/

The Seattle Mariners post season story continues…

I write this on Thursday, October 13th. When I last wrote, the Mariners had a miraculous come back victory against the Toronto Blue Jays in the American League Wild Card series. A best of three. The Mariners won 2/3 and advanced to the American League Division Series to face the Houston Astros.

Game 1 was on Monday.

Houston, having the better season record and the best in the American League, has home field advantage in this series. Three out of a possible five games would be played there. Generally, teams have a better record at their home stadium. This means that the Mariners would have a steeper mountain to climb on their path to the World Series.

The World Series is the penultimate series of 5-7 games that determine the best team in baseball. The two teams that make the post season from the American and National League face each other for a trophy and championship. The winner is the best team that season.

Climbing mountains ain’t a problem here. Seattle is surrounded by mountains. Most days you can see Mount Rainier. You can see Mount Rainer or the Cascades from T-Mobile Park, where the Mariners play home games. The Triple A affiliate, Tacoma Rainiers are named after the mountain. Maybe this is why the mariners have played better when the stakes have been so high before and won. They needed to climb a mountain.

Picture of Mt Rainier from a couple of years ago at the National Park.
Picture of Mt Rainier from a couple of years ago at the National Park.

The Mountain

Picture of the 2022 MLB post-season bracket. Divisional round. From: https://a2.espncdn.com/combiner/i?img=%2Fphoto%2F2022%2F1010%2Fr1073554_1280x720_16%2D9.jpg&w=1140&cquality=40&format=jpg
Source

The Houston Astros won 107 games this season. They are 55-26 at home. Against the Mariners, they have a 12-7 record on the season. Allowed only 65 runs in those games. Scored 75. Source. Since 2013, they have been the team to beat to become champion.

We wouldn’t have it any other way. This year, this postseason, it’s personal.

Game one, best of 5, ALDS at Houston.

I was pumped going into this game Monday. That Saturday comeback win exorcised demons. It uplifted me and healed years of letdowns from watching the mariners lose so much or choke late in the season. Bring it on, Astros.

The Mariners started strong, with 6 runs through the 4th inning. But the Astros kept it close, scoring three off a solid start by pitcher Logan Gilbert. The bullpens took over, and while the Astros kept getting hits, no runs were scored. The mariners added another run in the 7th inning, and the score was Mariners 7, Astros 3.

The Astros struck back with a single, then a 2-run Homerun by Alex Bregman. The score was Mariners 7, Astros 5 after 8 innings.

The Mariners had a chance to add on in the top of the 9th… But we’re easily put away by Raphael Montero.

Bottom of the 9th, Astros to bat. Mariners pitcher got the first hitter out on 2 pitches with a ground out. 1 out. Hensley to pitch hit. After 7 pitches, he was hit by the 8th and got on base as the potential tie run. Next batter, All star Jose Altuve was struck out. 2 outs. Short stop Jeremy Pena worked a 1 ball 2 strike at bat into a single. 2 runners on. 2 outs.

Manager Scott Servais changes pitchers from Pat Sewald to Robbie Ray, usually a starter with not much relief experience. Unusual but can happen in the post season. Up to bat, Slugger and top hitter in the major leagues… Jordan Alvarez.

Alvarez already had 2 RBIs this game. One swing can can end the game for Houston as he has serious power. He hit 37 home runs in the regular season.

2 runners on, 2 outs. The second pitch…

Alvarez hots a home run and ends the game. Astros 8, Mariners 7. Fuck. So close and we have our hearts ripped out at the bottom of the 9th…

We lose game 1.🙁

Self-Evaluation: Catharsis

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Man sitting on a rock near the shore of an ocean, staring at the sunset.

This is the conclusion to this post from May 24th.

Catharsis: discharge of pent-up emotions to result in the alleviation of symptoms or the permanent relief of the condition. Source.

Song of the post: “Nessun Dorma from Turnadot, sung by Luciano Pavarotti.

After delays, several days of anxiety… A result. (A week later, feeling normal.)

To begin, I am so over (in an intellectual sense) being sick. Feeling sick for no reason or exhausted.

Just as I think that long covid is gone, the flame is reignited. Damn, these nagging symptoms…

So. Gotta let it go. I need to accept that I am not feeling well and give in to this mysterious, chronic illness. Fighting against my body makes it worse. I can’t change this. It is what it is. 😷

I can acknowledge my emotions in my body and use therapy skills.

Worrying? That would be torture. At times, I talk to my anxious thoughts to gain clarity. Is this feeling something that I can act on? Is it a need that requires attention? Or is it unhelpful fear? What to do next? Decide how to proceed.

I use the following quote to ground myself when I recognize myself worrying. Or, also known as anxiety.

“Why. Worry? Worrying is praying for the thing you fear to happen. So stop worrying.”

Natalie Stavola, dating coach, youtube

I’m paraphrasing this quote and need to fact-check it. There’s also a concept in Zen Buddhism that supports this concept. To notice when you are hijacked by a feeling, acknowledge it’s happening, then choose how to proceed forward.

In the therapy world, it’s called The STOP skill.

Flashing stop sign
  • 1) STOP Everything.
  • 2) Take a moment. I like to close my eyes and breathe slowly.
  • 3) Observe within, as you would in meditation, what you are thinking and feeling in your body in the present.
  • 4) Proceed forward. Translation: this is when you decide what to do. Sometimes it’s just to remember that you always have a choice in your actions in life. Other times, it’s to redirect your thinking from unhelpful thinking, such as an anxiety blitz.

Results

Overall grade B+.

Need to work on communication, especially in text. I need a soft start because I’m direct. So direct that it comes across as cold and/or insensitive. Which backfires because the tone detracts from the message. This trait is common to be on the autism spectrum. My late grandma always said that I was so “literal.”

Okay, it’s autism, and I spent most of my life online on message boards, gaming, and my family dynamic.

I need to improve my leadership and inspiration. The trimmers want more leadership and inspiration from me. Part of this was due to how my direct supervisor and I were figuring out our roles the past 4 months and me stepping back to fit the chain of command.

I need to be comfortable asking for assistance from others in communication situations. How to approach or how to effectively communicate. Or recognize when I need to draft a message and wait on it. I said in the comments that I need to trust myself and be confident.

Once again, life relates the same situation to show me that I need to learn something. I need to learn to practice how to edit writing. And to write for the audience of the piece.

Solution: the app Grammarly. It’s built on an AI that gives you feedback on the impression your message gives. One word or how the message is structured makes a huge difference. Grammarly gives suggestions and specific tips as you type. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this advice, either. It was a tip by the lovely Pooja of Lifeisfinewhine.

(For those that don’t know, Pooja is a blogger from Kenya who writes about SEO/blogging tips, 6-word stories, poetry, and interesting slice-of-life posts.)

Conclusion: I’m doing fantastic at work.

I’ve already had a couple of opportunities to practice this new way of expressing myself, and it’s working!

I got a raise, and they accepted my idea of bonuses for high performers!

I love my workplace. After so many years of struggling in work and life, finally, I’m getting my needs met. I’ve grown so much in the past 6 months. I’m catching up on my emotional and communication issues that were impossible to work on in the socially distant phase of the pandemic. 😤🥰

Edit: Welp, so much for SEO practice. I scheduled this post for midnight instead of 11 am today. 🙃

Thanks for reading! Have you ever had a performance meeting at work? How was it? Tell me below in the comments!

Copyright TheUnknownReilly 2022.

Self Evaluation

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I have a performance review at work coming up.

This week at work, everyone has a performance review meeting with management. It’s been in the works for a couple months, delayed by people catching covid and missing work like I did. Even though I’ve known it’s coming… I’m anxious about it now that it’s judgement day.

Okay maybe not that dramatic.

Had great feedback so far, and so much support and mentoring by my bosses.

I can’t help but feel worried about it. After last week, I have clarity what parts of my work self need improvement. I was brutally, then fairly honest on the self eval I did for myself. I was so brutal to myself that the big boss gave me a call to check up on me.

The same company that gave me a raise in last year’s evaluation. Said I had (now am) management potential? I’m not going to sit on my current success, or not keep improving. I’m practicing my job daily. I like working here with at this company with all these great people because I discover more about life. Because I’m discovering more about myself.

Work used a standard online survey with question boxes and multiple choice questions.

I learned yesterday that my review is delayed until they get more answers from the employees I’m in charge of, which will evaluate me and my department manager. I really hope we are doing well in their eyes. We work well together and he is a good dude. Much better with people than I am.

The anticipation is maddening. In the few hours since I learned that the employees would rate me too, I’m thinking back to every conversation, every interaction to try to determine if the good outnumbers the bad or potentially bad. Or that strange two face inner self that is half “positive reinforcement, Hope for the best” and half “Oh no, what if (insert catastrophe). The waiting is the hardest part…

This got me thinking…

When was the last time I checked in with myself to evaluate my life in this format? Looking back I’ve been over 3 months, six months, a year? Or the opposite… Looking forward 3 months, 6 months, a year?

How am I doing in life? It’s been a while since I last felt the desire to ask: What do I want to do? Who do you want to be? Is the way I am living, the choices I’m actually making… In line with that?

I wouldn’t be able to have this privilege without how well the situation is at work.

Why can’t I have the life I want?

Why not me?

What do you want, Reilly?

All important questions to ask and valid. For today, or until I find out how I’m doing in the self evaluation at work, I unable to think about it. Gotta have faith that everything will work out no matter what happens.

A further dive within, and answering these questions is a topic for another time. To be continued…

Thanks for reading! If you like my content subscribe to my email list below, and tell me what you think I’m the comments! Stay safe out there!

Step Up!

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Person walking up the stairs of a Mayan structure

Well…

Song of the post: Make it Right by Foo Fighters.

It sure feels like a covid aftershock is on us. Some family members and people at my mom’s job are getting it. There’s been a streak going on at work. People have been either exposed to someone close or caught it themselves. The latest is my supervisor. Which means as the assistant manager, I’m the one in charge. I’m responsible for the room until he returns.

Thankfully, one of the big bosses has been in every day. It was a recent and necessary change. It’s so nice to have him around. I like how our owners care about everyone, care about the day-to-day details, want a safe and welcoming workplace, care about feedback while giving honest, professional answers, and model healthy communication.

Sleepy Thursday.

I didn’t realize it was Thursday yesterday until I drove home. I’ve been so focused on doing well at work, keeping up with new and old duties, and basic life maintenance that I’d lost track of the day.

I’m falling asleep as I type this. Eyelids slowly closing. I was so tired that I went to bed at 8pm.

Been going to bed early, not getting up earlier at 5am because I’ve been so tired. Except for Monday, when I had a migraine and had to recover.

I’m losing focus, so I’ll continue tomorrow…

Friday

Though I had a brief period back in January/February where I was a department manager and was okay overall, I don’t want to.

I’m better in a support role and working with my department lead. I came to peace with this in What if it all works out?, Two weeks ago. This isn’t to say I’m not ambitious or could improve on things like my people skills and communication. I’m at peace with where I’m, who I am, and who I want to become. I think we have a good balance between our department managers.

It’s been helpful to have the upper bosses around and checking in often this week. I’ve had a little experience managing people back in cooking school, which was half a lifetime ago 😬…

Along with them modeling how to be a good boss, I’m learning how to effectively communicate and see nonviolent communication in action. I’ve read a lot and watched many hours of relationship skills. However, it’s different to see it practiced in a situation.

Recently our department and certain employees haven’t been hitting our goals. My gut tells me that there was a communication gap somewhere on the line. Based on how well we communicate, I know it wasn’t me, my department manager, or our boss. In any case, this is the work environment I’ve sought for a long time. I’ve had many jobs and haven’t had that right balance of work I’m good at + the work environment I fit into + employers/bosses that fit my needs + a consistent schedule + good coworkers. (Though I haven’t had trouble with coworkers in my work life.)

Work and my bosses are giving me an example of the man I want to be. The person I want to be. I want our department to be successful. I want the business to succeed. I want to be successful.

Today, my department lead returned. It’s nice to have him back, as some of the pressure to be the person in charge is off. I do enjoy being the lead for a couple days a week. We have overlapping duties, and I have been letting him do many of them… But I’d like to do that a little bit more than trimming full-time. I’m sure he’d be happy to rotate duties a bit since we get along well. I just got to do it.

Everyone’s performance reviews are coming up next week. I’m nervous, fighting off the “You’re going to be fired” thoughts, even though I have no reason to be. I am enough. I am doing well. I am worthy of this management job.

This means I’ll have to increase anxiety-related self-care. This part of me is saying that it needs attention.

I got to get ready for work in a minute. Coco is lying on me on the couch, purring after her morning neck nuzzles, and I want to finish writing. I don’t want to get up for work. Despite enjoying work. I don’t want to let my boss down. I’ve missed too much work recently and have no sick time.

Alright, gotta psych myself up to get out the door…

(I did it! And made it through the day! A good day at work!)

Post Script: Man, it was hard to write this week. Finding time when I wasn’t exhausted or spent was a challenge. The key is that I’m improving. I increased my time management skills by pushing just enough to write a little bit, edit a little bit, and recognize when I had 10 minutes here or 15 minutes there to put words on the page. Sometimes writing is a psychological negotiation with yourself. I’ve won by focusing on improving a little bit and committing to finishing. Hopefully, this will help someone else out there struggling to write.

In short, I stepped up at work. I stepped up at blogging.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoy my work, please comment below or subscribe!

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022

Pot Hole

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Picture of a road filled with potholes. From: https://www.wethegoverned.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/rogh-road-potholes.jpg
This post originally had a different title, but after adding this photo it made sense to name it as it is. Because I work in pot, and I tripped up in a “pothole”.
Tweet by @SteveBartlettSC You have to be able to admit when you're being the toxic one, when your insecurities are controlling your behavior and you're being unfair. Blame is great for your ego, responsibility is great for your future.

Made a classic rookie mistake… Overshared an email.

Song one of the post: Shame, Shame by Foo Fighters:

This week I made a big mistake at work. It is my fault, and I accept the consequences. I sent an email about an issue and sent it to too many people. I am breaking the chain of command. As a result, losing face with upper bosses due to the timing and content of the email. This message should have been limited to specific people, and I overstepped the lines of my job. Thus, I had a verbal warning meeting (from context, I believe this is the case) about how and why I messed up. This is the first time in my working life that I have had this happen to me. A conduct meeting about my actions as a manager (This being my first manager job) and the consequences of my efforts on the company. I am working on drafting an apology and prepared to make amends for anything my supervisors want me to do or not to do. I know that the best apology is changed behavior. Hopefully, this can be an excellent first step to repairing this relationship.

Coincidentally, I was off work yesterday and today because I scheduled the Covid booster for April 14th, about what I assume is three months after I first caught Covid. This time off couldn’t have come better with things hot at work. I have been thinking hard and reviewing past mistakes to see if there is a pattern of behavior that I need to improve.

I originally had a paragraph focused on past job mistakes that I deleted. I was in a writers knot and decided to catch up reading blogs I follow, and this gem of a post by Anthonia’s Blog was perfect timing:

https://anthoniasblog.wordpress.com/2022/04/14/have-you-made-any-mistake/

So flagellating myself online and shooting the second arrow at myself isn’t productive. That is not who I am anymore, and I have had enough of hurting myself and others this way. By staying in the past, in pain, I am not growing, I am not healing, and I am not living in the present. I am not moving forward.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is an unavoidable part of life. All I can do is choose my response and choose my behavior.

Learning Boundaries by example.

No does not mean "Convince me".

Boundaries and communication is a skill I am working on. It’s been a life journey.

This situation has me feeling cautious about how to proceed to communicate. I think I’m on thin ice and need to be careful how I respond. On the one hand: I want to demonstrate through words that I understand what I did, take accountability by apologizing with amends, and how I will proceed going forward at work. On the other hand, I want to respectfully stand up for myself, ask follow-up questions, and respond. A core of this problem is miscommunication. For now, I’m sad and mad.

Though I am upset and let down by myself for my mistake and the verbal warning, what hurts most is finding out that my job is different than what was initially told to me. My company made this new position, I assume, for me after I was moved after three weeks at my previous post. I was told I’m better suited for analytical work and that this would be a lateral move. It’s not. It’s to a lower position, a clear step-down, essentially what I assume is an assistant manager role. Which is not what I was told and not explicitly said. This was after I asked for clarification from my boss since the job description was light. I feel irritated and misled as I think this should have been crystal clear. Now I am underneath the department in which I was previously manager. That is something that should be said at the beginning. I’m disappointed because I can’t trust or see those above me the same as before.

Silver lining.

This situation has its upsides. It allows me to see how to set boundaries and fairly communicate them to others. It has shown me my job and not what I assumed it was. It has made me ask myself: What do you want? It reminded me of what I am at this job for. It is a job and a place I enjoy working at. It is a conditional relationship. Therefore…

You either quit or keep going. They both hurt. Read that again. - unknown author.

I am staying, but I am adjusting. I am refocusing my energy on my job duties and life instead of work. I will do the job to the best of my ability as I currently am, but I will use that excess energy on things in my life that need it. I have neglected important aspects of my life to focus on work, and I have pushed those thoughts aside. I did need that time to master this new position, but that time has passed. From now on, I will only do what is in my job description, nothing else. That is the impression I get from work, so that is what they get.

Take no shit, do no harm.

Song two of the post: 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton.

Get vaccinated and boosted.

Shifting Winds

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Lake Washington at dusk, looking South. My Rainier in the distance.
Lake Washington at dusk, looking South. My Rainier in the distance.

Progress is Progress

Life lately has felt like being in a foggy blizzard. Piercing cold, hard to see around you, challenging to traverse, and slow trudging through knee-deep as snow. (Not that my sheltered ass knows what this is like… It just felt relevant. Such is creativity.)

Long Covid as a foggy blizzard

Since I last tested positive for covid, I haven’t fully healed. The worst has passed, and I’m grateful for that… But covid hangs on. Fatigue, brain fog, occasional dizziness, and shortness of breath rarely.

I suspected I had long covid, seeing as it’s been seven weeks. This explains why I’ve felt fatigued so quickly. Why was I briefly sick last week (a cold or food poisoning?)? Today I had it confirmed at a doctor’s appointment. Any symptoms after a month post-infection are considered long covid. It takes an average covid infected person like me three months to fully recover. All I can do is continue to focus on healing. I believe this is the longest I’ve been consistently mindful of daily. I’m slowly walking through the grief from getting covid, despite doing everything I could all through the pandemic, from the suffering of (likely) catching up at work. My past hard work of going to therapy and improving myself is paying off. A massive silver lining to surviving covid is that I’m not paranoid-terrified of covid anymore. It is still wary of social distancing and any place filled with people. I’m alive. While the pandemic isn’t over yet, hopefully, the worst is over here in the US.

One upside to this is that I stopped smoking weed while sick. I might have to stop because I physically feel worse after permanently. I do enjoy pot, but not the smoking aspect. I don’t enjoy being way too high. I certainly abused it in the past. It was and is helpful sometimes, but I don’t need it. So, a better compromise would be edibles. I can control the dose and responsibly enjoy it.

It’s frustrating that I likely caught covid from buying lunch for everyone my first week. Tight quarters with poor ventilation, lots of people in a small space with masks off… Even though everyone is vaccinated. Even though we distanced while eating, I’m lucky to be alive and fortunate that nobody else got infected. Shit… What a colossal mistake I made. Probably pandemic fatigue on my part, still… It’s my fault.)

The foggy blizzard of Long Covid will soon pass too. Not if I fight back. It doesn’t feel like it; we’re all frostbitten and weary. But this will give. Progress.

If you're serious about change, you have to go through uncomfortable situations. Stop trying to dodge the process. It's the only way to grow.

Here comes the New boss, same as the Old boss. 🎸🎶

I didn’t realize until today that I risked my life for my job. Why? Because they treat all of us well. As a lead, though, I have a different perspective. I’m grieving the loss of the old and processing the grief of failing. Oh, and figuring out my new job.

I failed as room lead, and it’s my fault. After three weeks (interrupted by having covid) and a month of training my coworker-replacement, I was moved into a new role at work. I’m still in management; now, I’m not overseeing employees much. It makes sense. People skills aren’t a strength of mine. Before I knew I was autistic, I assumed it was inexperience. That is part of it… It’s the recognizing emotions in myself and others that trips me up.

I did everything they asked. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, or another person is better suited for the role. This became a learning experience.

Rule with an iron fist, lead with a velvet glove.

Plusses–

  • Learned how to manage quality problems when a disaster happens before you touch the product, then how to get the most out of it.
  • Starting a new job where I’m learning on the fly, having to lead people as a manager when I was previously an employee,
  • Met the future production goals most of the weeks I was lead or co-lead under my watch.
  • I created a production tracking sheet.
  • I learned how to navigate relationships with other managers by practicing communication skills and how to receive feedback on my actions.

Minuses

  • Need to work on my communication skills.
  • I need to work on managing my emotions.
  • Understand the company “setting” before trying to change the “mindset.”

In short, my inexperience and weaknesses created this failure—this learning experience.

Gloved hand holding a bud of Guava Gelato cannabis.
Weed strain: Guava Gelato

The life long inner journey

It’s time to return to therapy.

I can’t ignore or procrastinate on being autistic any longer. I feel it became an obstacle in my previous position. I couldn’t learn about this the past few years due to the pandemic and the lack of social situations necessary to grow. Well, maybe there was a handful with all the zoom therapy groups I did. A time or two at the jobs I had. Nothing consistent. Because I couldn’t relax and be comfortable that I would be working after three months, I had the Neurotypical mask on. This is a psychological “mask” autistic people put on to blend in with nonautistic people.

Along with autism, I still have other issues to work through with a therapist. I needed time after work with my previous therapist to give myself a break after all we had accomplished together. And I needed time to iron out significant problems, such as finding consistent work. It’s time. I loathe navigating my health insurance plan for mental health coverage. So far, it’s useless and doesn’t cover shit. It’s all I can afford, and other programs aren’t better in this price range. Fucking greedy, selfish billionaires.

I’m the only one who can change myself. I’m responsible for myself, and nobody is going to stop me. I have to stop myself. I have to save myself.

Merry Christmas 2021

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Coconut by the Xmas tree.

I’m sorry for disappearing

I’m sorry for not following through on the 10 recipe posts that I promised. I thought I could do this. (I need to start over and plan this out. On a schedule I can reasonably work on) I have professional experience and training doing so. I’m ashamed that once again, I failed. I need help with this mean perfectionist inner voice. I need to get a new therapist… It’s been too long and it’s time.

I didn’t plan this gap of 2+ months without a post. I had two emotional events happen shortly after the previous post. It’s almost 10pm, and I’m writing this on the fly. I feel that I have to post something. I owe it to you.

I obsess over my mistakes and my faults. I haven’t forgiven myself for anything I’ve done wrong. I feel I deserve to suffer and be punished. If I don’t get from others, I punish myself. (Lately I’ve started to talk back to these thoughts saying “Blame yourself once and move on”, a great quote from The Simpsons)I don’t like this part of myself. Or the shadow part of me.

I’m alive, doing great at work, and okay overall. I have zero reason to be afraid of failing there. I work hard, my bosses trust me by giving me special tasks, and they see management potential in me in the future. I even got a small raise, and a bonus for the first time ever.

I should be ecstatic, but I’m worried about the other shoe dropping.

I’m so fucking tired of the pandemic. At least 1 more year of this in the US, and longer for many other countries. Someone I work with tested positive, so I’m worried about that. Everyone wears masks, being vaccinated is required at work, so the odds are low. I’ve had some minor symptoms, but I’m not sure if this is due to covid, my sinuses, or regular work fatigue.

I haven’t had a covid booster shot yet, it’s been about 2 months since the second shot wore off, and I have to wait to get tested again since it’s a holiday weekend. Maybe there’s openings tomorrow.

I’m also exhausted with the state of US politics and the news. It feels like the end of the world… I know this is bad for my mental health, but I feel I can’t stop.

… I need help with my personal life. Not sure where or how to start. I just kinda exist.

Song of the post:

Hot Takes after a Blazing Hot Monday

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Lucy the tuxedo cat lounging on laundry in the closet.
Lucy’s favorite spot to sleep lately, my mood during the heat.

It (was) so Hot out… It was so hot that I couldn’t write. It was a record high of 108 outside.

Thanks for being patient with me with this post. Between the heat and adjusting to starting a new job on Monday this week, I’ve been distracted and roasted. Imagine if the temperature changed by 50 degrees. Ugh. When will all these freak weather events due to climate change be enough? Everyone in the US has been affected directly in some way, yet Republicans refuse to vote for it. Despite Biden winning the 2020 election, Congress won’t do much because the Senate is split 50-50. Climate change scares me.

I feel like I’m roasting in an oven. Like I’m an egg sizzling in a pan, spreading out into an amorphous blob. The temperature rose like 20 degrees from a comfortable 70s average to the 90s. I checked the weather, and it’s low of 74 to a high of 103. (Ha! It kept rising!) Seven days left to go on this roast of the west coast. The beginning of the end of humanity as Climate change gets worse. Nothing existential about it.

Hot Takes

It’s been 19 days since The Walden cannabis job. It lasted two beautiful months. I was starting to feel comfortable and confident about myself at that job. It was nice to feel good about myself because I’m good at trimming weed. I like working in the legal cannabis industry.

Yeah, it’s minimum wage, but it’s usually Monday – Friday. I know what to expect when I come to work. I need consistency, schedules, and routines. It’s helpful for my social needs to be around coworkers. After years of “good enough” or struggling in jobs that don’t suit me, I feel I’ve found a place I fit. I liked the people, the company, and the job. Shame it ended how it did.

Ended with a layoff. Number 3. A layoff strikeout. I Struck out looking. Life goes on.

I won’t need to move. I’m psychologically stuck here. This house, Mom’s house, feels like a prison. The neighborhood is the prison yard. I didn’t want to live with my mother anymore, and I wanted to move away for a couple of years. I need to be independent to grow. Nothing wrong with the house, neighborhood, neighbors, or Mom. It’s simply not my life anymore. This place has too much of the past. I need a fresh start.

It’s too damn Hot out!

Picture of The temperature of the back deck on Monday from a digital laser thermometer. Seriously wtf.
The temperature of the back deck on Monday from a digital laser thermometer. Seriously wtf.
When you can't take any more of today, so you save yourself (by wrapping your entire body in foil) as a leftover for tomorrow.

I stepped forward regarding grief from events in 2020.

One event: the breakup. I blogged quite a bit about it last year. What a mess. I’m at the point where I’m utterly embarrassed by my behavior. All because of my emotional immaturity. It’s something I’ll always have to work on to be a better person. In the past two months, I’ve finally reached a point of healing where I see all the events from her perspective—thinking about how it would feel if these things happened to me. I’d view myself as a crazy person who only cares about himself, too immature to talk things out, and respect her as a person by giving feedback. It was fucked up for me to promise an apology and then not do so. I was and still am so “done” that part of my recovery has been to integrate this with the past crush-love obsession to be a healthy person. What a creep I was. I was crazy. I’m disappointed with how it ended, but all I can do is continue learning and improving. I truly regret what I did and how I acted. It won’t happen again. Look how much progress I’ve made.pp

Life moves on.

Quote: Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you put up a good fight and still lose. Sometimes you'll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room. CherylStrayed

It’s been nine months since my grandfather died, and there hasn’t been a funeral. The state just opened up this Wednesday, so I’m hoping that happens soon. I also have regrets about that relationship with him, that I could have done better by visiting more than I did the past six years. I saw him once in person last year and once on zoom. I’m grateful I had that time with him.

New job

I work at the company Fire Bros as a weed processor. I started on Monday. I applied about two weeks ago, had an interview, and they hired me on the spot. It’s an excellent place to work. It’s a legal weed company that sells top-of-the-shelf quality. It feels like I’m working in a weed museum, with the trimming area being an air-conditioned white-walled room. So, it’s a cool 67 degrees while we work. That was a welcome relief on that scorching Monday. Despite all my experience with trimming weed, I felt like I had to make a mental adjustment to be good at my job. This a mindset I haven’t felt in a long time, and that is quality over speed. You have to be gentle and precise, and the key is to snip as minor as possible—surgery over landscaping.

I find it thrilling to work for a company that strives to create the best products on the market and has a positive work environment—twenty-five more days left in the trial period. I think I’ll feel secure here in 4 months. Hopefully, that fear is just anxiety.

It’s nice to come home from work and not be tired. I’ll have the energy to have a life outside of work.

Thanks for reading!

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