Monthly Archives: February 2021

Recovery during the Pandemic

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A person holding a lantern in a smokey corn field.

Rock bottom

Trigger warnings

My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict. I’m a love addict. I’m a recovering codependent. I’m a recovering hermit. I’m in therapy getting help. I guess it’s helping. The past year, I’ve greatly cut my marijuana consumption.

A year ago I hit rock bottom.

I felt out of control and needed help. It didn’t help that night that I smoked two infused joints, and two dabs (a dab to a bowl of weed is like a shot of hard alcohol to a glass of wine/beer) when I got home from work. The previous week was an emotional roller coaster. I had friends over for board game night… The first time in about 10 years that I invited new friends over to visit. It was a great night. A couple days later I started a new job. After one day, I was convinced it was the best place I’d ever worked. I was really excited about it.

That wasn’t enough to prevent a nervous breakdown and near suicidal attempt. I somehow held on, and asked my mom to take me to the hospital for help.

It was the worst day of my life. My biggest goal in life was gone, and was never going to happen. I I was too late in asking her out, and acted like an asshole. Rejected nicely, and I decided to breakup.

It was an ugly end to a long relationship. I couldn’t go on living like that. It was too painful to continue on. Sometimes you fuck up and there’s nothing to do but move on. This is the last time I’m going to blog about this situation.

I thought I was over this before my first girlfriend, but I guess that breakup opened this scar again. I don’t like being stuck on this. Sigh. Grief has its own schedule.

A year later

I can’t help but think about how I’ve changed since a year ago. If it wasn’t for that regretful situation, I wouldn’t have given therapy another chance. I am grateful that I did, and that I’ve finally got the right help for me.

Yesterday in therapy, my therapist said two things that really stuck out regarding this.

One: Have you learned all the lessons from this event? (I have. I won’t ghost again, and I’ve worked at increasing my relationship knowledge and communication skills this past year. I learned how to break up with someone in an adult way. I learned I needed help and got it myself. Plus much more.)

Two: She was worried that I would still be unable to move on and be in the same headspace 5 years from now. This also applied to me not wanting to change or grow. Which came down to: I don’t know why I act this way, and I don’t have a reason to get up every day. I don’t feel that I have purpose or meaning to my life.

So, my therapist suggested that we update my values. Values give you a way to make decisions on how you want to live life.

Updated Values that I want to have:

  • Vulnerability
  • Honesty
  • Humility
  • Accountable
  • Communication
  • Respect
  • Vision
  • Independence
  • Healthy
  • Boundaries
  • Sense of Meaning
  • Connection
  • Personal Growth 
  • Creativity
  • Kindness
  • Physical & mental health
  • Live in the present, not past or future.

Values based on how I live currently:

  • Selfish
  • lazy
  • entitled
  • hipocrate
  • Don’t care about physical health
  • self centered
  • Poor discipline

Not a good list. However, to change, you have to accept who you are right now.

I don’t know what the future will bring. All I know for now is that I don’t want to be this version of myself anymore. I’m the only person who can change myself. I’m stuck because I’m not doing the necessary things that I can do. I’m the one who has committed to therapy. I’m not happy with my life and that’s on me. Enough is enough.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2021. All rights reserved.

Listen to your emotions & Forgive yourself.

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From Pinterest

It’s been an up and down emotional week. Life has gotten in the way, and taking extra care of myself has been the first priority. I’ve been doing better since Sunday, but still having trouble writing. Which happens whenever depression or anxiety overwhelm me. I feel I’m entering a new phase in therapy and life and it’s difficult. As change is. So, I hope these infographics from Pinterest helps someone else going through the same stuff. I’m new at forgiveness, especially forgiving myself for bad decisions I’ve made. I’m working on it.

-This too will pass.

I let Coco out during the snowy weekend and she tried to escape! She was fearless despite the snow being 26 inches!

Inflection Point

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Dream catcher

When was it that I gave up on dreams?

When was it when I lost hope in the future and being optimistic? My meds do help… To a point. Therapy helps… To a point.

When was it that I gave up on the world. Or more importantly, myself? There’s only so much one person can do for that.

Maybe all this insecurity has ignited because of this solitary pandemic lifestyle. Lately I’m not so sure. I feel like this current lifestyle isn’t that different from before covid-19.

I don’t believe in myself… When did this happen?

I don’t have any dreams anymore. For a long time, my only goal was to become mentally healthy. It’s hard to tell if I’ve improved since last March.

These days, I wish I didn’t have to wake up. I wish I could sleep all day. Sleep feels great, and I look forward to dreams, though I haven’t had many over the past year I can recall. Sleeping is awesome. Especially when it’s REM sleep, and you wake up refreshed.

Goals feel pointless. It feels like a never ending hamster wheel.

I feel like I’m procrastinating until the pandemic is over. I’m at the point where I don’t enjoy things. Depression or pandemic fatigue? I can’t tell. Probably a little from column a and column b. Once again I’m wasting precious time. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve reverted back to being a NEET /hikikomori once more, and that worries me. I do like watching anime, but I also feel ashamed because I spent years of my life doing this activity to pass the time. I feel I should be using this time to do something productive.

Im at a point in therapy where I’ve hit a wall, and don’t feel motivated. I don’t know if these changes are actually worth it. I’m unsure because I’m confused at what I want from life.

Im at a point in looking for work that I have to consider: “Would I risk getting covid and possibly dying for this job?”

All I want is a job with the same schedule, no overtime, no weekends or holidays, and I’m not exhausted from work after. Decent health insurance would be nice too.

Maybe all this is the monkey brain gone wild.

On the other hand…

I’m so lucky to have unemployment income. I’m lucky that I live in wa state, and qualify for amazing healthcare due to my income. I’m lucky that I don’t have to work . I don’t have to risk my life because I need to pay bills.

When will I not be crazy, and be enough?

I’m not sure I understand life… I sure am tired of feeling frustrated.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

In a Viktor Frankl mood; Migraine hangover.

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Struggling to write lately

I haven’t been feeling well physically lately. Had a really bad headache on Saturday that felt like a migraine. I haven’t had one in a while, and had forgotten how awful they feel. My guess is that it’s due to my lack of self care. I haven’t been exercising or moving around much, eating healthy– eating too much processed foods such as ramen– spending all day on a screen watching anime or anxiously browsing the internet, and not doing fulfilling non screen activities. I need to get back on my meditation routine.

For now, I need to recover from this. Just when I thought that I wouldn’t have migraines again. I guess it wasn’t due to my previous medication combination. Fuck.

Dizziness, sensitivity to light and certain sounds, mental fogginess, and a mild headache? That’s a migraine hangover alright…

While I need to continue to work on figuring out new goals, passions, meaning, and dreams for my life, for the immediate future I need to recover from this. I can barely look at my phone screen as I type this.

Which came first: The Chicken or Crab Water?

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“You make us into water?!”

The events below happened last night.

For lunch today, I opened a can of canned crab meat to use for the filling for sandwiches. The bread, two hot dog buns and 2 flour tortillas.

To use canned crab meat, you have to remove the wax paper inside the can and drain the excess liquid, which I call Crab Water. My cats were begging as soon as I opened the can. I give them the bowl of crab water, and the can for them to lick clean.

Oh, and for the purposes of this story, I help my mother care for chickens. They have a small fenced area in the backyard. We also give them scraps of food as treats.

A little while ago, I go to the kitchen to refill my water jug. I notice the empty can on the floor next to Coco’s cat dish. I pick it up to rinse it, and recycle it. I tell her the story above, and she says:

“Did you give it to the chickens or kitties?”

I pause, think for a moment, and say: “…Did I give Crab Water to the chickens?” Like that’s a normal, accepted thing to give chickens. Crab Water.

The concept of “Crab Water” is odd enough. Somehow the thought of chickens drinking it is hilarious!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To drink the Crab Water.

Also, it’s not like crabs can drink Chicken water? (Which is chicken stock?) I know Crabs live in water, but do they drink it?

We’ve been laughing since.

Now all I have to do is say “Crab Water”.

Thus the reason for the post title.

Of course… Simpsons did it!

Fight Idiots, Become an Idiot.

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A lit match burning through.
Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

One Piece, Facebook comments, and idiots(me) oh my!

” Not everything can be solved by acting recklessly.” Princess Vivi, from the anime One Piece.

In a nutshell, One Piece is about Monkey D Luffy, who is on a quest to become the King of Pirates. Luffy and his pirate crew, The strawhat pirates travel on a ship to find the ultimate treasure called One Piece. Also, there are these things in the story called Devil Fruits which grant you abilities. One is that Luffy ate the rubber-rubber fruit, which gave his body the properties of rubber. It’s epic fantasy, action focused. One of the best parts is silly character moments such as this:

” Not everything can be solved by acting recklessly.” Princess Vivi, One Piece. The straw-hat pirates land on an island, and are ambushed by the residents.

One piece episode 80 An Island Without Doctors? Adventure in a Nameless Land!
Credit, One Piece episode 80.

Vivi breaks up a tense situation with guns drawn on the ship by saying this to Luffy, who is the captain. She reminds him that they are there to find a doctor to treat the sick ship’s navigator.

I need to remember this in the future whenever I feel angry at Trump and his supporters. Basically, why am I acting out like this? What does this really accomplish?

Hooked by Troll bait.

I need to stop getting into comment fights with Trump supporters on Facebook. The past two days, I’ve been arguing with Trump supporters after I saw a post in my news feed asking why Biden supporters haven’t been bragging about his accomplishments. My reaction:

As I write this, it’s obvious that post was bait. Bait for a fight and I fell for it. Like, first thing…. BIDEN HASNT BEEN PRESIDENT FOR 2 WEEKS YET. God damnit they piss me off so much. Thank goodness that Trump is out, what really scares me is his base. Thank goodness that they were so fucking stupid on the coup January 6th. They had the doors opened for them, and with barely any police presence, with weapons, tactical gear, and armor and couldn’t succeed. Don’t forget republican white privilege… The most privileged white people in America, and they couldn’t do it. I’m not saying this wasn’t a tragedy or a good thing. That could have been so much worse if they weren’t so fucking stupid.

Just the fact that the Senate building has less security than a Seahawks game. It’s like they are villains from a Mel Brooks movie.

I can’t do anything about that. I feel ashamed, angry, and resentment as an American about this country. All due to Trump and his supporters. I do not want to forgive them. It’s his fault that the pandemic is so bad. And his supporters are overwhelmingly anti maskers and spread Covid-19 by not wearing one.

Rant continued…

Going around people without a mask is playing Russian roulette with people’s lives. It’s fucking selfish. I feel like it’s at the point where nothing else works with trump supporters/ Trump Republicans (or, MAGATS/maggots for short). Protesting isn’t acceptable. Conversation is impossible as facts, logic, good faith arguments, and boundaries don’t work. There’s no compromise. It has to be their way or nothing. They say they bipartisanship, then go back to business as usual. It wasn’t enough that republicans who support him were targets during the coup. The impeachment trial is going to go along party lines, and republicans aren’t arguing whether trump was guilty or not, they’re arguing about if it’s legal to impeach after the president leaves office. Just… No. That isn’t how a criminal trial works. It’s two sides present evidence whether they are guilty or not guilty. It doesn’t matter when you committed a crime, it’s still a crime. It’s still breaking the law, whether you’re president or not.

It should be acceptable to slap people for not wearing a mask. There needs to be criminal punishment if anyone doesn’t wear a mask. Fines against businesses. And jail time if ignored.

Whose the idiot now?

“When it comes to idiots, America’s got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.”

Lewis Black

“No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot.”

Mark Twain

I’m at the point with all that, that I don’t care about being fair, logical, or nice to Trumpers anymore. Not after covid-19. Not after the past 4 years. Not after they acted like sore losers by attempting a coup.

Ugh, I need to join a gym to work this out. Nothing quite like unleashing all your stress, anger, and frustration onto a punching bag.

Ugh, is this what I’ve become? By acting like Trump, I’m becoming what I hate. I feel like they deserve a taste of their own medicine. Each time I lash out in comments acting like this, I feel disgusting instead of relieved. I end up still feeling angry and stressed. I don’t like this person I’ve become in political comment sections.

“Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pidgeon. It’ll just knock over all the pieces, shit on the board, and strut about like it’s won anyway.”

Source

Today I made the decision to unfollow that thread. It’s not helping anything, and in the end, I’m hurting myself by arguing with people who don’t care what I say, I’m there to work out stress rather than communicate, and I have to argue against multiple bad faith bullshit claims. There is no end. All I’m doing is mental self harm.

So, I need to stop starting fights because it accomplishes nothing. Nobodies mind is changed, and I end up looking like the idiot.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.