Inflection Point
When was it that I gave up on dreams?
When was it when I lost hope in the future and being optimistic? My meds do help… To a point. Therapy helps… To a point.
When was it that I gave up on the world. Or more importantly, myself? There’s only so much one person can do for that.
Maybe all this insecurity has ignited because of this solitary pandemic lifestyle. Lately I’m not so sure. I feel like this current lifestyle isn’t that different from before covid-19.
I don’t believe in myself… When did this happen?
I don’t have any dreams anymore. For a long time, my only goal was to become mentally healthy. It’s hard to tell if I’ve improved since last March.
These days, I wish I didn’t have to wake up. I wish I could sleep all day. Sleep feels great, and I look forward to dreams, though I haven’t had many over the past year I can recall. Sleeping is awesome. Especially when it’s REM sleep, and you wake up refreshed.
Goals feel pointless. It feels like a never ending hamster wheel.
I feel like I’m procrastinating until the pandemic is over. I’m at the point where I don’t enjoy things. Depression or pandemic fatigue? I can’t tell. Probably a little from column a and column b. Once again I’m wasting precious time. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve reverted back to being a NEET /hikikomori once more, and that worries me. I do like watching anime, but I also feel ashamed because I spent years of my life doing this activity to pass the time. I feel I should be using this time to do something productive.
Im at a point in therapy where I’ve hit a wall, and don’t feel motivated. I don’t know if these changes are actually worth it. I’m unsure because I’m confused at what I want from life.
Im at a point in looking for work that I have to consider: “Would I risk getting covid and possibly dying for this job?”
All I want is a job with the same schedule, no overtime, no weekends or holidays, and I’m not exhausted from work after. Decent health insurance would be nice too.
Maybe all this is the monkey brain gone wild.
On the other hand…
I’m so lucky to have unemployment income. I’m lucky that I live in wa state, and qualify for amazing healthcare due to my income. I’m lucky that I don’t have to work . I don’t have to risk my life because I need to pay bills.
When will I not be crazy, and be enough?
I’m not sure I understand life… I sure am tired of feeling frustrated.
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© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.
Reilly's blog 
To be honest, my very best friend is pretty much feeling the same way as you are : and yet she has her own successful and growing business; has always been a driven and motivated person; usually sees the bright side of things.
I really do think that consciously, and sub consciously, this pandemic is changing so much within us. And it makes me sad.
Keep trying! and please keep blogging! Thinking of you 🙂
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