Category Archives: dreams

Unique Opportunity: Epilogue

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It’s been a long time since I feel I did something trophy worthy.

I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

I’m starting to feel fantastic positive feelings as a result of writing that essay. I achieved a goal I wanted. This victory shows that I am capable of so much more. This shows that all the inner work I’ve done has paid off.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/08/02/a-unique-opportunity-part-2/

Part 1:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/05/12/a-unique-opportunity/

This blog post is part 3 of a series of posts about this experience

I have an article in a newspaper! I told my story and hopefully will help change the world for the better. Holy shit. That’s a big deal!

This is evidence of how great a writer I could be. I had a lot of help from the Seattle Times journalist. This situation shows me that I can grow as a writer. I stood up and spoke out about problems in the mental health system. I’ll be helping someone else struggling. It feels good to help others by speaking up.

What a big deal! …

Someone told me "whenever your life is feeling stagnant or as if nothing is happening, that means you're being given the time & space to heal & release the baggage that you cannot carry to where you're meant to go soon..." I haven't looked at shit the same since.

Follow up details

I need to add details to the last post and the article. I didn’t mean to overlook these details. Ever have that feeling after a conversation where you remember something after the fact? That’s been me since Monday.

I did have successes in therapy. I feel I discounted how much of an impact therapy has had when it does work. I was able to work through so much with my therapist and everyone at Sound.

They had great groups and any support you needed. I can’t say enough how grateful I am to Sound Mental Health in this therapy journey. Life from April 2020 to June 2021 was good. That’s because I was in therapy. That’s because the zoom groups were so great. Those kept me going despite the lockdown social distance phase of the pandemic. I attempted to return for treatment there; however, they only take Medicaid. Disappointing that I couldn’t continue… But I get it. Those on Medicaid who need therapy need great providers the most. Just as I did during my time there.

Groups were helpful and supportive at Valley Cities while I was there. I really enjoyed the activities and the people. The employee turnover and changing therapists was too much for me. I wish I could have found that therapist match there. Oh well. I got some helpful skills out of this disappointment.

Back in 2009, I had a favorable year-long therapy treatment that helped. We worked through PTSD I was experiencing then. A year later, I recovered from PTSD through exposure therapy. It’s what I needed at the time.

Ah… I should have accepted the suggestion by the reporter to say something positive about therapy. I hope I didn’t mislead anyone about my experience. Therapy can help. It is maddening to get that help you need.

My problem has been how hard it was to get started, get comfortable, and progress in therapy. It’s been a long roller coaster ride I didn’t want. I was frustrated because now I know how it feels to be healed. What it feels like to have your work pay off. I have become better. I’ve become a better man. I never thought life could feel so fulfilling. I forgot how success feels to achieve something difficult with persistence and hard work. Therapy became my higher power. The dream is to heal all the trauma, fix the suffering as a side effect of mental illness, and break the line of generational trauma.

Faith is an act of trust in the unknown. Alan Watts
I’m not big on faith or spirituality, so posting thus is significant.

I’m choosing to take this as proof that I have grown as a person. I’m enough of an adult to take care of myself by finding a therapist. I know that I can follow through and win. I know there is more to dream about. I know that I want more from life.

I wouldn’t be here without therapy, psychology, the internet, and not giving up despite the heartbreak. All the therapists and social workers all the way. I didn’t give up at my lowest. I somehow held on. I wouldn’t be here without all the excellent support from my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side of the family. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cousins. I wouldn’t be here without blogging. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cats. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my mom or brother. I wouldn’t be here with my friends. I am here because I had so much support along the way. The pandemic has shown how many good people I have in my life.

This is a victory for my values. A concept I learned with my previous therapist. This is a life-changing victory on all levels for me. I am more capable than I ever thought possible. I stood up for better mental health. I stood up for better healthcare. I stood up for civil rights. I stood up for personal accountability. I did it because it felt like the right thing to do.

I’m back in the arena, ready for the next mountain to climb.

I’ve become a published writer in a big publisher!

I’m the first family member to be published in the Northwest section of the Seattle Times! My mother, the poet, hasn’t done this. She’s been writing for 40-plus years. My cousins won state championships in high school basketball but they never did this. Nobody on either side of my family has achieved this.

I have made it, and the 15 minutes of fame are over. It was nice while it lasted. I’m grateful to have wrote that. I’m grateful for the experience.

Source

I’m back to square zero. I gotta figure out the next goal. What do I desire?

United in Grief, July 4th 2022

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A tweet on top of the american flag. Tweet: Sara K Runnels: I love that the one visual we consistently show to represent America is basically a giant red flag.

July 4th. American Independence day weekend. I don’t feel like celebrating.

Living in America feels like a bad dream. A never-ending nightmare of bad news. Yeah, there was that legislation to improve gun safety. But will it really change anything? I doubt it. It feels like another feel-good, a little too late, a middle-ground bill that pleases nobody… And the violence continues. We really need young people in charge. We really need non-corporate slaves in charge. Voting Republican isn’t a solution. Their goal is to create more problems. Way too many were cheering when January 6th happened when America almost became a fascist state.

I’m tired of Joe Biden being a caretaker president. Nothing has changed. His best argument when running was that his long record as a Senator would help him pass legislation through our deadlocked (by republicans) congress. That hasn’t happened. Sure, he has signed many Executive Orders, but those will be canceled by the next eventual republican. We gave him a good shot to get things done, to make big changes… And it hasn’t happened. I’m not voting for him again. I’m so tired of getting my hopes up with politicians only to be disappointed.

So far, he’s been the “Not Trump” candidate.

Gif from Dexter's Lab of Didi in lab whites --Calmly watching Dexter--, and Dexter who has his hair on fire.

We need an actual liberal as president. Who isn’t another corporatist wearing a democrat mask? We need leadership that will be alive after their time as president is over, so they must live through the consequences. We need a president who hasn’t lived in the DC bubble, has worked a regular job for a living recently and is not wealthy. I love Bernie Sanders, but the man has done enough for the US. AOC would be a good choice for any of The Squad. There aren’t enough women holding office anyway. It’s embarrassing that we still haven’t had a woman as president. It’s fucking time.

I’m so grateful to live in Washington state. I wonder if things will improve in my lifetime here in America. It sure doesn’t look like the corporate hold over this country will soon disappear. Problems keep piling up, and these piecemeal, half-ass (aka middle ground) solutions won’t cut it any longer. So no, I won’t be celebrating this independence day weekend. Because we, as a country, are dependent on capitalism and corporations. As long as wealth exists, there will never be true equality. Never because some person will be able to be above another.

What am I supposed to do when I can be outspent by some rich person who can donate more money than I will make in my entire life? What am I supposed to do when those same rich assholes own news companies and can indoctrinate millions into what they want? My one vote only goes so far. I can only convince so many people. What am I supposed to do when a group of appointed assholes makes decisions based on their beliefs and not the law? Do we even need the supreme court? Do I even want to be an American?

I’m so exhausted from watching this country slowly disintegrate from a democracy to some nightmare straight out of 1984.

Also, fuck fireworks. They are loud and noisy everywhere these days. They cause pollution. Most of the time, they are set off late at night on a random day and time when you’re trying to sleep, just like a car alarm going off. Of all the amazing things in life, and this modern world, seeing or buying fireworks is the last thing I want to do.

Gif of Fireworks exploding into the shape of a penis and balls
Fireworks’ long history in a nutshell. 😑

Alright, enough complaining. Here are things I can celebrate.

Screenshot of wordpress blog statistics. 5000 all times views
Screenshot of wordpress blog statistics. 1000 likes.
Screenshot of the description of the blogger who did the 1000th like.

I opened the WordPress app today and saw that the all-time views passed 5000! Wow! That’s a big deal for a personal blog like this! I’ll take it!

I dropped the ball on the 1000 likes landmark and should’ve celebrated it sooner. It happened with this post:

Days in a Life

To make up for this and to give proper credit to the blogger who was “like” number 1000, please check out

https://dfolstad58.wordpress.com

I need to make changes in my life.

I’ve blogged about it quite a bit. I keep talking about it, but I am not moving forward. Well, not quite. Last week, I began seeing a therapist again. I started seeing a life coach. My scrolling Instagram for hours is paying off because most of that time is spent watching therapy-related reels and images.

I went and saw my buddy on Saturday. He’s going through a hard time, and it’s tough to see him in pain. I’m grateful to have been there for him. That I do have him as a friend.

Feels like everyone is struggling these days…

Since I started in March 2020, the hardest part of this journey has been to pick myself up from rock bottom as my life started over at that time. Relationships changed. People changed. I changed. Life changed. So much so that I’m still adjusting to this new normal.

I had to learn the hard way that the only person to save me is myself. It’s okay to ask for help. Or for support. The bottom line is that I have to be the person to do so. Others do want to help. Others want to be in your life. However, you have to advocate and be there for yourself. It’s part of being an adult. To be healthy.

Snoop Dog: I'm doing my own shit.

Despite all the difficulties, there are little things to celebrate. So that’s something… Guess I got that going for me. 😑🙃

I’d like to thank everyone who has taken the time to stop by this blog, read these posts, comment, and like them. I appreciate it. It makes my day. Doing so makes me feel not alone because others connect with my writing. It’s the one way I feel connected to the world and others. It’s hard to cope when I take a lot of time to write, edit, and advertise a post and few people read it. Please continue to stop by.

Song of the post, United in Grief by Kendrick Lamar

(I’ve been listening to this album on repeat, it’s a new favorite and I captured this moment in time perfectly.)

Nindō, a Naruto blog post.

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Credit: wikipedia

Warning: Naruto spoilers.

Nindō/Naruto

Nindō is a philosophy from the Japanese tv show Naruto, an epic fantasy about ninjas with powers. The main character is Naruto, a teenage boy who has an evil demon fox sealed inside him. He starts the series as an outcast. He starts the show as a failure, not being good at anything or having anyone as a support. His parents died before the show began due to the demon fox inside him.

Nindō (忍道, literally meaning: Ninja Way) is a personal rule that each shinobi lives by. It is their way of ninja life, their motto, belief, or “dream”. A ninja’s nindō can be anything, no matter how immoral their personal point of view is. Most often Naruto Uzumaki proclaims his ninja way, to be: “I’m not gonna run away and I never go back on my word, that is my nindō! My ninja way!”

Naruto

Like the show, I’ve changed quite a bit since I was introduced to it back in 2002/2003. I was in my sophomore year in highschool, and I watched it week to week as it was aired in Japan. My friends and I would watch it not long after it aired live in Japan thanks to the awesome power of the internet. Anonymous fans would translate it, add subtitles in english, them upload it online for free. All anyone had to do to get it was to know where to get it. Which wasn’t that difficult, most message boards, or a simple google search would tell you how and where to find it. Thanks to the internet, and pirates, you could watch anything ever made from anywhere in the world… Legality be damned. Which I didn’t care as a first generation internet user. I’m old enough to remember being introduced to AOL by my aunt only a couple years earlier. It didn’t take long for me, my brother, or my friends to master using the internet.

Anyway… I was talking about Naruto, and nindō, and how it relates to now. Since Naruto started, it’s been one of my worlds. It’s Epic fantasy, and of the shonen genre, so these types of fiction last a long time. Naruto took 15 years for the original comic, and about the same amount of time for the tv show to finish. A new chapter would be made each week, with some random breaks for the author, Masahi Kishimoto, every so often. Last year in 2020, I finally got around to finishing watching the anime (animated tv show) from the beginning part two. Watching it through now as an adult, and rewatching some episodes, hit differently. It made me remember good times in the past talking about the show with friends from high school, and later in college with them.

Naruto at it’s core is the heroes journey.

Naruto starts as a child, with nothing, not good at anything, and completely alone. He is shunned because of the demon fox inside him, that he is born with. Watching again now, during the pandemic, as I struggle in my own life, is necessary medicine. It sure would be nice to have my mental health problems be hidden strengths or demons I could master instead of weaknesses. But, this is reality instead of fiction.

Nindō part 2: (minor spoilers)

Naruto succeeds because he doesn’t give up. He makes his worst skill a strength. He wins over people and eventually his inner demon due to his super human persistence. He is successful because he wins over the support of others 1 at a time. We learn in the first episode that the first person he wins over, Iruka sensei, had his parents murdered by the same demon fox inside Naruto. Iruka forgives Naruto despite this because he went through the same struggles as Naruto. Through empathy, and forgiveness, and Iruka sacrificing himself to protect Naruto does Naruto begin to believe in himself and stand up for himself. He is successful because he has dreams (Massive goals). He is successful because he has supporters in his life that he wins over. Naruto is constantly telling everyone about his goal to become Hokage. To be recognized by everyone in his ninja village. He is successful because he has a way of life. A Nindō.

Once again, a Nindō is:

Nindō (忍道, literally meaning: Ninja Way) is a personal rule that each shinobi lives by. It is their way of ninja life, their motto, belief, or “dream”. A ninja’s nindō can be anything, no matter how immoral their personal point of view is. Most often Naruto Uzumaki proclaims his ninja way, to be: “I’m not gonna run away and I never go back on my word, that is my nindō! My ninja way!”

So, what’s my way of life? What are my goals?

My way of life? For a long time, it’s been survival. I’ve been in the mental health treatment struggle since 2008. I struggled with establishing a career, or being employed at one place for a long time. I sacrificed a social life due to the work cultures around the restaurant (and to a lesser degree) trucking industries, finding time for therapy, and avoiding interaction with new people because I didn’t feel healthy. Nothing’s been stable.

My previous long term job as a cannabis processor at Willie’s Reserve (which closed their only state branch last January) gave me a taste of stability and socializing I’ve missed for years. The kind you can only fulfill with coworkers and friends. This past year has shown me that I need to take the initiative with friendship. It isn’t the same interacting over social media.

I have to figure this out, and put in the effort because nobody else will. Or as Mel Robbins said: “Nobody will stop you.”

What are my goals?

To start, I need to continue to recognize and celebrate the progress I make. I’m not at rock bottom anymore. I’m in the process of changing, though it’s slow.

I’m not sure what I want to do for a career, or if I really want one. For now, I’ll find something to pay the bills.

My primary goal is to move out of Seattle, and out of the house I’ve always lived. So I need a place that will be affordable, hopefully not a long commute, and accepts cats. I’d rather not live with roommates if possible.

I’m still new at this new chapter of life. So continue on practicing values. My future feels hazy, yet I feel it’s becoming less so.

I’ve felt unsure about posting this for a while since it didn’t feel like the right time. I technically “finished” watching Naruto last year, and started this in January. I need to figure out new goals for blogging. A different creative approach that fits my life now compared to last year. I look forward to the pandemic being over!

Thanks for reading!

Inflection Point

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Dream catcher

When was it that I gave up on dreams?

When was it when I lost hope in the future and being optimistic? My meds do help… To a point. Therapy helps… To a point.

When was it that I gave up on the world. Or more importantly, myself? There’s only so much one person can do for that.

Maybe all this insecurity has ignited because of this solitary pandemic lifestyle. Lately I’m not so sure. I feel like this current lifestyle isn’t that different from before covid-19.

I don’t believe in myself… When did this happen?

I don’t have any dreams anymore. For a long time, my only goal was to become mentally healthy. It’s hard to tell if I’ve improved since last March.

These days, I wish I didn’t have to wake up. I wish I could sleep all day. Sleep feels great, and I look forward to dreams, though I haven’t had many over the past year I can recall. Sleeping is awesome. Especially when it’s REM sleep, and you wake up refreshed.

Goals feel pointless. It feels like a never ending hamster wheel.

I feel like I’m procrastinating until the pandemic is over. I’m at the point where I don’t enjoy things. Depression or pandemic fatigue? I can’t tell. Probably a little from column a and column b. Once again I’m wasting precious time. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve reverted back to being a NEET /hikikomori once more, and that worries me. I do like watching anime, but I also feel ashamed because I spent years of my life doing this activity to pass the time. I feel I should be using this time to do something productive.

Im at a point in therapy where I’ve hit a wall, and don’t feel motivated. I don’t know if these changes are actually worth it. I’m unsure because I’m confused at what I want from life.

Im at a point in looking for work that I have to consider: “Would I risk getting covid and possibly dying for this job?”

All I want is a job with the same schedule, no overtime, no weekends or holidays, and I’m not exhausted from work after. Decent health insurance would be nice too.

Maybe all this is the monkey brain gone wild.

On the other hand…

I’m so lucky to have unemployment income. I’m lucky that I live in wa state, and qualify for amazing healthcare due to my income. I’m lucky that I don’t have to work . I don’t have to risk my life because I need to pay bills.

When will I not be crazy, and be enough?

I’m not sure I understand life… I sure am tired of feeling frustrated.

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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


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