When one door closes, another opens.

Massive mid evil style door with iron ingots bolted in, in a limestone building closes shut.

And with that, my time at my previous company has come to an end.

I don’t know if I’ll return in the future; however, everyone at work was so lovely to me, and I’m so grateful that it took me several days to write this post.

It was the right time, the right day to choose to end things. I did say that I gave two weeks’ notice and intended to fulfill this promise. As the week went by, and as I was driving to work, I knew Friday was the end. The business has been in a temporary lull as, finally, the last of the expansion construction has finished, and in a few weeks, the facility will be at full capacity. This project took two years to reach. The timing couldn’t have been worse due to the pandemic, supply chain issues, and the typical struggles coordinating a big project with contractors and tradespeople. All of this with the co-owner working alongside them to get it done.

Despite that, it was simply time for me to move forward. Because of my long COVID health issues, I was struggling to do the work in my department. My limitations made the new roles in the department too difficult. I tried everything I could to make it work. Using sick days, saying when I felt exhausted and did another task, work met me halfway with reasonable accommodations, tried adding frequency reducing earplugs, tried improved sound cancelling headphones, tried policy changes, tried asking for supplements or medicine that could help with my doctor. I’m not the same person I was before catching COVID. It’s likely going to be part of my life from now on, since it’s been a year and I still have Long Covid, so I have to accept that it will be a factor in work I can do.

Yet, we did everything right and still failed. It is the right time to move to something else because I’m middle age (37), my mother is getting older and won’t be able to work forever so I need to have a career where I might have to help her, I want to live in my own place, I may only be able to work 35-40 hours a week going forward, i don’t want to manage people anymore –though I barely did that at my previous company–, I want career options that aren’t I’m the business field, and I’m tired of minimum wage or close to it type of work. It was likely that I would have received another raise at this past company based on all the work I put in last year and the glowing reviews from those above me. I tried everything I could and gave it my all. It was simply time for a change.

Sometimes it happens all at once. One day you wake up and know that today is the last day.

That day was April 14th. While I did give my two weeks and was intending to be there all 14 days, when I woke up Friday morning, I knew it was the last day. Though I felt certain it was the end, driving there, going so far as to text in that I was running late because I had to use the restroom and had to drive 10 minutes off the well won route I drove every morning the past twenty two months… Despite making it right on time, and trying to keep holding onto the great thing I had, at first break I knew that day was it.

I saw a reel on Instagram that a friend posted that went like this: Know when it’s time to make a graceful exit. Don’t keep holding onto something you know has ended and it’s time to move forward. Part of life is learning when to let go so you are open to the next things. Wisdom is recognizing its time. Things won’t be the same as life is constantly changing. What’s meant for you will follow you forward.

I trusted my intuition and acted on it. I finished the day, having wonderful farewells from coworkers throughout the day as they left.

It’s hard to put into words the gratitude I have for all of the well-wishes and appreciation I have for my former colleagues and the company I worked at… Being told that it was a pleasure to work with me, that they would miss my unique giggle, that they appreciated my steady presence, luck in my future endeavors, that I was welcome to come back any time, and to “not be a stranger.” To hear those things for the first time from any workplace is a treasure I’ll never forget.

I learned so much about cannabis, working at a steady, supportive job, and how to communicate, how to handle constructive criticism, what a secure attachment looks like in person, was allowed to make mistakes and grow, and on and on and on. I was able to do inner work on the job as well, as the work is excellent for listening to books or watching videos while working. It was exactly what I needed to heal. I’ve been seeking this in work for eight years before this. Before this, something wasn’t the right fit, or the job caused further issues. I still have inner work to do. Yet, I would not have made this transformative change without this opportunity.

Endings are different as an adult. Growing up, you start to get used to things changing on a regular basis as you grow up, pass each grade, and move on somewhere new every couple of years, often changing locations for school because you graduate and start over fresh with new people. This pattern extends to college or the trades to an extent, but once you finish that, you begin working full-time… The job ends, you’re fired or laid off, or you resign. Even rarer these days, some work at one job their entire life, then retire.

This time, I chose to resign. The previous three jobs ended due to layoffs, so it was better to decide the end myself. The goodbyes were still hard. I’m in grief as I write this on Sunday the 16th. I’ll likely be grieving this for an unknown time. Though I’m far too familiar with grief and know what’s happening, it’s still tough.

Gif scene from Bojack Horseman: It gets easier. You have to do it every day. That's the hard part. But it does get easier.

I have a new job starting next week, and new long term goals after that. I’ll be registering for college this week, going for a transfer degree to a state university in the long term. The first step will be to take a placement test, because I suspect my math skills are rusty.

This week I’ll be resting and adjusting for the next steps in my life. I need time to process this experience and grieve the change.

As a former coworker said: Onward and Upwards.

Song of the post: Times like these (Live in Hollywood 2006) by Foo Fighters

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s