Monthly Archives: April 2020

Milestones among Gravestones

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Surprise milestone post! It’s already been 1 month since I started this blog! Yay!

Today marks 9 weeks since the breakup in Pivot. 2 months since I had a nervous breakdown and went to the hospital.  It’s been 2 months since I quit drinking alcohol. 3 months since everyone was laid off at my previous employer. Friday was the first day I felt neutral. Joy sprinkled throughout the day.

Milestones among gravestones

The rejection/break up was my last attempt at dating that woman. I couldn’t move past my feelings despite the long tenure of the relationship. I tried, failed badly, and couldn’t be friends with someone I loved, who didn’t feel the same. I chose to end it. I told myself over and over again in 2019 that I would accept the outcome, no matter what happens. I was tired of all the baggage from the relationship and wanted a different life. You miss all the shots you take, and I didn’t want to regret missing out. In a cruel twist I got regrets and missed. Sigh…

There were good times, despite the nuclear end. This is my biggest disappointment in life so far. Now I know it’s better to shoot for the stars and fail. I tried and had nothing to lose!  I wish I was A-romantic or Asexual, but I simply am not. All I know for certain… Is that I am Heartbroken. My guess is that I have a long time still to grieve. I have a pile of things to fix about myself. No more shitty apologies. No more vague goodbyes. No more being a coward.

For readers considering a confession letter themselves… Don’t. Ask them out in person. In fact, don’t write a love letter at all unless you are already dating. Are officially committed to another. Have been together for years.  If you fail, it hurts far worse than a normal rejection. When you end a relationship, do it in person (unless it is not safe to do so). I did everything wrong. What I regret most is not communicating clearly. I believed in the fantasy of the crush, in soulmates and all that bullshit… When in retrospect, we had grown apart over the years. We are different people… Opposites. And that’s okay! Oof.

It wasn’t meant to be anymore. As soon as I can, I’m moving out. It’s far past time. I’m sick of being a man-child hermit. For too long I’ve used my mental health problems as a crutch. I’m disappointed how it ended. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t fully be myself in that relationship anymore. I have to move on. It hurts too much. It’s over.

A new beginning…

I was a casual social drinker. I did enjoy the aroma and taste of some liquors, but being drunk was meh. Every type of drink gave me immediate hangovers. Beer and wine the worst. That day 2 months ago I poured out my liquor cabinet and haven’t looked back since. It did suck to pour out a $75 bottle of absinthe, and a $40 bottle of bourbon (Seattle booze prices are crazy. But it’s how nobody in the state wants to pay income taxes despite all the wealth.). I later learnt that there were 3 consecutive generations of men on my father’s (Credit to my grandfather who quit and never looked back!) side with alcohol problems. My dad died from drunk driving after 1 drink. (I’m planning a post later this year about it.) I don’t mind if you do drink. There is no excuse for drunk driving. Ever. Get an Uber, ask for a ride, take the bus, walk. Don’t do it.

A week after the end of the relationship, I had a nervous breakdown. All the grief hit me at once. Here I am now despite being burned again and again by therapy. That darkness was depression. Whispering lies to me at my most vulnerable. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of having mental illnesses. It’s a health problem just like breaking a leg. I admit treatment is tricky because insurance makes it impossible, and because our brains are incredibly complex. Nobody tells you it’s a marathon journey to healing. The benefits like receiving dollars for pennies. We’re all going to die anyway. So, be the best version of yourself that you are right now. Failure and mistakes are necessary for success. Might as well take a chance. You might succeed.

Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.”

― Jogging Baboon from BoJack Horseman. 

Songs of the post:

I by Kendrick Lamar:

A change Gonna Come by Sam Cooke:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Edit: Whoops! Repeated a paragraph!

Is something better than nothing?

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Am I good enough as I am?

    Update on Scorpion Poison part 2: I ran into a wall writing it because I had to overhaul the story. It simply isn’t an acceptable quality. I’m sorry for promising a deadline I couldn’t deliver. Am I screaming into the void? I honestly don’t know when it will be finished. Last week’s post left me disappointed at the quality, so I’m going to take more time to get it right. In its place is this post. I need to work on my organization and planning skills as a human…

Inspired first by spite and humiliation, later, curiosity. I’ve found my answer to what this blog is. The blog is whatever I want it to be. I honestly don’t know what my niche as a writer is. Hell, I barely know myself! I’m starting to doubt whether I’m capable of blogging long term. I thought blogging would be a good outlet because I enjoy writing. I’m tired of never being good enough at anything. Well, the universe is indifferent. It feels like there is answer to, and not to do anything. I didn’t realize that stepping into the light from the shadow of anonymity would be so difficult. Maybe I’m justifying all my bullshit behavior with excuses again. I dunno…

     I opened up the WordPress reader and discovered a conveniently timed post which picked apart everything wrong with last week’s post. It’s likely to be unfortunate timing, since small blogs like this are as common as dirt, but it still hurts to see that. Even if 100% accurate and is constructive criticism. I really thought that story would have been easier to tell than it was. Dammit.

    This is my first blog ever. I know I’m not a professional blogger yet. I’ve already made mistakes in the few posts on here. I know that I’m not only competing against other bloggers, but every book, every other form of entertainment that has ever existed and is currently being made. This applies to every person creating something. It’s a brutal path. Online, every person can comment on your writing, and pick it apart. I don’t mind constructive criticism. It’s a real gut punch when all of your mistakes are laid out in a blogging advice article. Mere hours after your post. My mistake was browsing the WordPress reader earlier today when I was looking for a way to warm up writing.  My goal with this blog is to improve my life, hopefully readers lives as well, how I can, through writing/blogging. A journey to self discovery. Improvement is slow and gradual. I’m only human, and I do have feelings. I’m doing the best I can with what I have and where I am at this point in time.

“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

    I’m sure this is the first thought some have had while reading this post. I have literally done this in my life.  When I was a baby, my mom rescued me from their former apartment while  burning down!  I gave up a career as chef and the restaurant industry because I hated working in a professional kitchen. I tried the best I could for 8 years, but sometimes, no matter your efforts, things don’t work out. That career did not suit me. Working in the restaurant industry is a tough business. I gave it more than enough time before I was sure I had to move on. 

My choice to blog is a reflection of how I’ve grown from my mistakes in life. Such as choosing cooking as a career, giving it up. I tried to become a Commercial truck driver delivering soda for Coca-Cola and couldn’t handle the 60-70 hour weeks. I lasted 8 months. I tried to become a  local baseball umpire (Mainly refereed games from kids in middle school to high school) but I was rated the worst rookie umpire, despite being in the top 3 of games worked by a new umpire. I tried again from the bottom for a second year, but I got a concussion from a car accident, and couldn’t work. 

So I guess I’m growing as a person. What’s important is to keep small goals. I need to remind myself that I have just started. It’s going to take awhile to improve. I could use some help or advice.

“THE QUESTION “WHAT SHALL WE DO ABOUT IT?” IS only asked by those who do not understand the problem. If a problem can be solved at all, to understand it and to know what to do about it are the same thing. On the other hand, doing something about a problem which you do not understand is like trying to clear away darkness by thrusting it aside with your hands. When light is brought, the darkness vanishes at once. This applies particularly to the problem”

― Alan W. Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity 

Song of the Post, Lazy by Deep Purple:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Stoners… Don’t dabble in Scorpion Poison! Part 1.

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Scorpion Poison, A legal Cannabis story:

A wise man once said: “Cocaine is a hell of a drug….” Giggling while telling his own crazy story. It was rock star Rick James, collaborating Charlie Murphy’s story about him on Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood stories, on Chappelle Show. If you haven’t seen that episode, I suggest you watch it after reading this. Episode 204. Or on youtube. That whole episode is still relevant. I counter that “Cannabis is a hell of a drug…:” 

Likenesses and details changed. Names for characters are combinations of celebrity names. Any likeness to real people, or companies is coincidental. Based on a Drug Trip.

 Once upon a time in a nondescript warehouse in the PNW, 

There was a small legal cannabis company. They bought their cannabis from farms, and sold it to stores as the brand Dirty Girl Cannabis Co. A classic small business warehouse which was growing in employees by the month. A typical day in a tier 3 distributor weed company is a handful of things for a cannabis processor. Cannabis strains such as White widow, Girl Scout Cookies also coined Og (Short for Ocean Grown) cookies (to avoid a lawsuit), Blue Dream, or Sherbet, are stuffed into plastic mylar bags or glass jars. The bud is weighed out on an electric scale for packed containers varying from one gram to one ounce in weight. ‘Rolling’ joints, or packaging cartridges. 

    The work space where all of this is produced is like someone set up an office in a storage warehouse with whatever tables and chairs they could find online. Your basic warehouse layout… Cold and grim, but functional. The work culture, being a weed company, is anything but. It’s a weird cross of Half Baked, The Office, and Mad men. Day to day work is often repetitive like working on a production line, by filling as many bags of story ready product, and rolling as many joints as possible. This creates a work culture where you listen to something on headphones, or talk with your coworkers about whatever while your hands are busy. Often a bit too lax since everyone working there are stoners!

    It was an usually sunny day on a chilly spring morning at Dirty Girl Cannabis Company. The work assignment is to help fill a current order by breaking down cannabis strain Purple Haze, into shelf quality bud for legal retail stores. The whole team is processing and packaging cannabis into ounce bags. The quality of this Purple Haze weed? If the best stuff is Jimmy Hendrix’s hit coined after this strain, this is a person on youtube playing it, but only knows half the song, and can’t sing. You can’t blame the farmers for selling this stuff… If someone ends up buying it. Growing cannabis is a  specialized skill like farming any other agricultural product. This batch wasn’t grown right. It had no smell despite being a cross of two pungent parent strains – Purple Thai with an aroma reminiscent of purple flowers and chocolate, and Haze, which smells like fresh orange-spice tea . This smelled like hay. A common sign of improperly cured and grown weed. Cannabis is grown, chopped, hung up, and dried. If only one of these precise methods is screwed up, the final product’s quality will be dramatically affected. Lower THC percentages, less beneficial effects, little to no smell or taste, and so on. If you bought this from a retail cannabis store, it would be like buying canned peaches, opening it up, and discovering the peaches were barely ripened, have a stiff mealy texture, taste awful, and offer no nutritional value. 

Processors don’t enjoy trimming this weed, but nobody likes every part of their job. When you make minimum wage, this is “Paycheck weed”.  Top grade Purple Haze is it’s own experience unto itself. At high doses it feels like the classic Jimmy Hendrix hit, the world appears in a golden glow, you are happier due to its antidepressant effects, and it tastes amazing. Like chocolate, berries, violets, and spices. It can make you energetic, or sleepy depending on how it’s grown.

To be continued…

Fuck! Writer’s block! Ugh.. Writing is hard! I wanted to finish this today, for it to be a longer post, but I’m tired and don’t want to be late for a second week in a row. I must honor the readers I have, even if zero people visited the blog in the past two days. A stark reality check for me as a beginning blogger. Despite writing this since 6am today, clearly I underestimated the amount of work this post required. That’s what I get for procrastinating on this all week. I guess this is part of the learning curve for blogging. So I’m splitting this story into two, and will finish it tomorrow. Yes, a shitty cliffhanger… 

Song of the post, Mary Jane by Rick James.:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Irregular Update 04/08/20

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A bunch of Malarkey
Sourcehttps://www.flysparkchasers.com/hubfs/Malarkey.jpg

Irregular update:

I honestly didn’t know that last Friday was world Autism day. Or that April is autism awareness month. Guess it’s been around since 1970 (source). It’s amazing how much is going on in life. And you only notice because you choose to notice it. Because you become part of it.

There are no answers, only choices.” -Stanislaw Lem.

Politics

Now to blatantly ignore that logic and talk politics.

Bernie Sanders dropped out of the presidential race today. Ugh… I’m nauseous. Joe Biden can’t beat Trump. He doesn’t understand that he is the token white guy for Obama. At best one of those old assistant coaches in sports that finally gets the job after the head coach (Barack Obama) who won the championships moves on. He isn’t different enough from Trump. Biden is not 2008 Obama. Or his peak 2008 self. We need a once in a lifetime transformational figure who inspires hope in the future. That was Bernie Sanders. I just don’t understand why the rest of country didn’t like him. Maybe it’s more election interference with Russia. I sincerely hope that this country will recover from the destruction wrought by Republicans. How did Biden miss Obama’s biggest mistake? He is insane if he thinks Senate Republicans will listen to him. 45 (The current person in power; I refuse to refer to him by name, therefore acknowledging his existence.) will say or do anything to have attention to himself. He will never be accountable. The Democratic party learned nothing from 2016. Republicans want every bit of control for themselves. Republicans are winning the battles and wars, while the Democratic party acts too good to fight in the trenches. Everybody but the 1% loses.

This is the start of a post-future apocalypse movie. The 1% scour all the resources, then blast away in spaceships. The unworthy are slowly left to die in agony on a barren Earth. Joe Biden is the cliche president that dies in the disaster. Is later replaced by the archetype hero who takes over. The difference is there won’t be a happy ending. Us regular people are quarantined on Earth. Left to rebuild. To restart human civilization while the Earth recovers. This is a great sci-fi story premise, but a nightmare for our modern world… Rich in sources for survival and addiction. Or like Stan Lee’s cameo character turning into a marvel superhero. (Although, that premise would make a hilarious Mel Brooks superhero satire movie.)

Malarkey:

Hell, even the campaign slogan for 2020 Biden is awful. “No Malarkey.” I have trouble spelling this in the search bar!

Let’s break it down: 2008 Obama: Yes we can!

No (not in any degree or manner; not at all (used with a comparative): He is no better.) Malarkey (speech or writing designed to obscure, mislead, or impress; bunkum: The claims were just a lot of malarkey.)

Yes we can!: An affirmation for a group of people to have the power or means to do.

The problem isn’t unclear communication or purposefully misleading information. 45 just is that stupid. And doesn’t give a fuck what happens after. This campaign slogan alone tells me… Fuck No on this guy. He’s trying to hide something. 45 may only know himself, but he’s an expert in that. I guess Biden is an expert in bullshit. So the slogan is a referendum on 45 being Malarkey? That’s as absurd as me, a beginning blogger, expecting every post to go viral and have millions of dollars appear in my bank account like magic.

I want whatever weed he’s smoking. Probably a cross of the cannabis strains Obama Kush and Amnesia. I call it “Malarkey”  Negative Side effects include Anxiety, paranoia, dizziness, and nausea. The primary effect leaves you with conflicting feelings and wondering when this couch lock will be over. 

Hope is extinguished for Federal elections. The U.S. has serious structural problems at all levels and nobody seems to care to fix them. At least local elections actually change the future, such as my state governor Jay Inslee doing everything right to stop COVID-19. It’s too bad he dropped out so early in the run for president! Time to prepare… For the apocalypse.

I think this post is the most times I’ve ever used the word “Malarkey”. Regular update on Fridays.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Happy Birthday Reilly, you have Autism.

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Photo of a cake I made with my mother, that I brought to work in 2019 on my last birthday. Lately my life has felt like this cut up cake!
Photo of a cake I made with my mother, that I brought to work in 2019 on my last birthday. Lately my life has felt like this cut up cake!

Your birthday present? Being on the Autism Spectrum

    This wasn’t how I expected my 34th Birthday to go. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t expect much on my birthday. I usually have a dinner made by my mother served with homemade cake. (Such as the Yellow cake with chocolate frosting and a layer of raspberry jam shown above) At home with my mother, brother, and I. Nobody expects to be on the Autism Spectrum. To have another mental health problem! I discovered on Monday that I am on the autism spectrum. It was an official diagnosis from my therapist as something I requested. I have suspected that I have been on the spectrum for a couple years now. I did many online questionnaires, but those are really only a guide. Online tests for medical conditions border on pseudoscience.  I became suspicious when test after online test indicated that I was probably autistic. A pattern was emerging. I’m not sure if this is a birthday gift or not. A gift is unconditional. You do not give a gift expecting something in return. Because that is manipulation. I learned this the hard way by losing a relationship. I regret my actions. I will never do that ever again. 

A health issue such as Autism is all conditions. Let’s get one thing clear. This is something people are born with. You don’t get it from a fucking vaccine! Any discussion in the comments saying otherwise will be deleted, and not tolerated.

 I’ve always felt there was something different about me. Like I never really fit in. Especially in socializing. I tried to get checked a couple years ago with a previous therapist, but the only way was to go to a specialist for children. That there was no (and still isn’t!) official tests for adults on the autism spectrum. I didn’t pursue it because it felt like a dead end. I had and still have issues to work on in therapy. On my Monday appointment, When my therapist read me through the DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/practice/dsm , 04/03/20) test, many of the traits described me. (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/signs.html, 04/01/20) The diagnosis would explain why I had to learn proper eye contact. Why I, have so much trouble without structure and routines. The biggest hurdle with Autism is that there is little research and help for people who have it as adults. Even in the DSM-5, the questions are aimed toward diagnosing kids. Even the CDC website is written with this bias.

“Diagnosing ASD can be difficult since there is no medical test, like a blood test, to diagnose the disorders. Doctors look at the child’s behavior and development to make a diagnosis. ASD can sometimes be detected at 18 months or younger. By age 2, a diagnosis by an experienced professional can be considered very reliable.1 However, many children do not receive a final diagnosis until much older. This delay means that children with ASD might not get the early help they need.” (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/facts.html, 04/01/20) Science and research is lagging for Autism studies in adults. 

My diagnosis would explain why: 

  • I can so easily remember punchlines from Chappelle show, Futurama, and South Park. (Though watching these and other favorite shows during my Agoraphobic years to cope is another explanation.)
  • I can do repetitive tasks so easily, and why they are soothing. 
  • I’ve struggled so much in dating. I’ve never felt ready, and the few times I’ve tried I’ve left ashamed, frustrated, and disappointed. I feel like an outsider two times removed as everyone else does it.
  • It takes me a long time to be comfortable with people. 
  • I struggle talking about my feelings. I overshare, and have trouble navigating conversational vulnerability. 
  • Explains why I have intense phases of interests. Then lose interest after I become like an expert.
  • Why I get worked up in conversations and get a massive rush of energy. Then I need to calm myself down with slow deep breaths. A trait of AD/HD, and a symptom of Autism. 
  • My affinity with animals.
  • Super short attention span. As I write this, I have 7 tabs open in Firefox.  On my phone, I have 14 tabs open, and typically have 12+ always open at a given time. Firefox has so many bookmarks that I have them organized into folders. The contents of two folders which have enough bookmarks to fill my computer monitor to the edges on the vertical axis. 

And so on. I don’t want this post to be more list than content. There’s enough listicles already. Nobody likes being kicked in the listicles by surprise.  I have a feeling my actions in the past due to my undiagnosed autism has hurt those that know me. If I haven’t apologized properly, I am sorry. Now that I know what the problem with myself is, I’m able to work on it. Yes, feeling good enough is  healthy to think about yourself. I go by this Louis C.K Quote as a mantra: “When you hurt somebody, you don’t get to decide how they feel.” (https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7328323-when-a-person-tells-you-that-you-hurt-them-you 04/03/20) Edit: Correction, I misquoted Louis C.K., it is: “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

   Which means: accept your actions which led to hurting another person, apologize for your actions, and show you mean to change by adjusting your behavior in the future. Most important is to not argue about it. 

Song of the post:

Shout out to Louis C.K. : https://louisck.com/

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.