Am I good enough as I am?

    Update on Scorpion Poison part 2: I ran into a wall writing it because I had to overhaul the story. It simply isn’t an acceptable quality. I’m sorry for promising a deadline I couldn’t deliver. Am I screaming into the void? I honestly don’t know when it will be finished. Last week’s post left me disappointed at the quality, so I’m going to take more time to get it right. In its place is this post. I need to work on my organization and planning skills as a human…

Inspired first by spite and humiliation, later, curiosity. I’ve found my answer to what this blog is. The blog is whatever I want it to be. I honestly don’t know what my niche as a writer is. Hell, I barely know myself! I’m starting to doubt whether I’m capable of blogging long term. I thought blogging would be a good outlet because I enjoy writing. I’m tired of never being good enough at anything. Well, the universe is indifferent. It feels like there is answer to, and not to do anything. I didn’t realize that stepping into the light from the shadow of anonymity would be so difficult. Maybe I’m justifying all my bullshit behavior with excuses again. I dunno…

     I opened up the WordPress reader and discovered a conveniently timed post which picked apart everything wrong with last week’s post. It’s likely to be unfortunate timing, since small blogs like this are as common as dirt, but it still hurts to see that. Even if 100% accurate and is constructive criticism. I really thought that story would have been easier to tell than it was. Dammit.

    This is my first blog ever. I know I’m not a professional blogger yet. I’ve already made mistakes in the few posts on here. I know that I’m not only competing against other bloggers, but every book, every other form of entertainment that has ever existed and is currently being made. This applies to every person creating something. It’s a brutal path. Online, every person can comment on your writing, and pick it apart. I don’t mind constructive criticism. It’s a real gut punch when all of your mistakes are laid out in a blogging advice article. Mere hours after your post. My mistake was browsing the WordPress reader earlier today when I was looking for a way to warm up writing.  My goal with this blog is to improve my life, hopefully readers lives as well, how I can, through writing/blogging. A journey to self discovery. Improvement is slow and gradual. I’m only human, and I do have feelings. I’m doing the best I can with what I have and where I am at this point in time.

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“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

    I’m sure this is the first thought some have had while reading this post. I have literally done this in my life.  When I was a baby, my mom rescued me from their former apartment while  burning down!  I gave up a career as chef and the restaurant industry because I hated working in a professional kitchen. I tried the best I could for 8 years, but sometimes, no matter your efforts, things don’t work out. That career did not suit me. Working in the restaurant industry is a tough business. I gave it more than enough time before I was sure I had to move on. 

My choice to blog is a reflection of how I’ve grown from my mistakes in life. Such as choosing cooking as a career, giving it up. I tried to become a Commercial truck driver delivering soda for Coca-Cola and couldn’t handle the 60-70 hour weeks. I lasted 8 months. I tried to become a  local baseball umpire (Mainly refereed games from kids in middle school to high school) but I was rated the worst rookie umpire, despite being in the top 3 of games worked by a new umpire. I tried again from the bottom for a second year, but I got a concussion from a car accident, and couldn’t work. 

So I guess I’m growing as a person. What’s important is to keep small goals. I need to remind myself that I have just started. It’s going to take awhile to improve. I could use some help or advice.

“THE QUESTION “WHAT SHALL WE DO ABOUT IT?” IS only asked by those who do not understand the problem. If a problem can be solved at all, to understand it and to know what to do about it are the same thing. On the other hand, doing something about a problem which you do not understand is like trying to clear away darkness by thrusting it aside with your hands. When light is brought, the darkness vanishes at once. This applies particularly to the problem”

― Alan W. Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity 

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Song of the Post, Lazy by Deep Purple:

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