No post today. Well, just this short explanation. I was rejected by a friend I asked to be in a relationship. I wanted a romantic relationship with her but, she isn’t in the place in life to do so. Sometimes that happens.
She’s still a blogger friend. We remain friends with boundaries and a clear platonic blog friendship. For now, I need a break from her site…
So, this is all I can do. Write.
I feel like I’ve been cursed in the month of February with dating.
At least this time, I handled it maturely. So I have that going for me, at least.
Maybe I’m just not suited to do so. I feel like quitting it entirely. I’m 36 going on 37, and the whole dating experience is just painful rejection with tiny glimpses of success that are squashed.
It is now 2023, as is tradition on social media and the world at large… It’s time to reflect on 2022 and review my life of the previous year. Unlike the cliche, 2022 felt like a year and didn’t go by fast and, more often than not, slower for me than others.
2022 can be summarized by the following themes: Work, Long Covid, Going out into the world again, online dating, and Inner growth.
This post is about when I went to a book signing for Alton Brown, one of my cooking idols. I used to want to be a chef and worked in the restaurant industry, so going to buy his new book, get it signed by him, and have a word was something I wasn’t going to miss!
Pumpkin Spice Cinnamon Rolls is a recipe I created, which is to add pumpkin pie filling and double pumpkin pie spices to the classic cinnamon roll. This recipe is dairy free and doesn’t use sugar. instead, it uses an erythritol blend.
The Mariners 2022 ALDS… (Part 3 of 3). (Not a fan of this title after the fact) This post is about my experience going to the first Seattle Mariners home playoff game in 21 years! It was the first time I had ever gone to any home professional sports game in my life. Boy, was it worth it. It’s the conclusion to a 3 part series, in which previous posts are linked in the post. It was game 3 of 5, win or go home for the Mariners, the entire state was covered in dangerous forest fire smog, and I did my part by writing a prayer to the god of the mariners by visiting its first stadium site in town, and burning the prayer to the god before the game.
This post is about my experience getting an article published in the Seattle Times newspaper about the challenges of finding a therapy that works for me and learning that I was on the Autism Spectrum at age 36.
Days in a Life is a post set in a challenging time in my life, right after I had finally had sex for the first time and was a virgin no more. My cat Coco wasn’t doing well either, and I was worried she might have had a UTI. I was freaking out and was sure something was wrong with me too. You’ll have to read the post to find out. Unfortunately, I haven’t had sex since.
And finally, Long covid. In about 10 days, it will be a year since I caught covid and I haven’t recovered. While the severity of sickness has improved slowly since I’m not the same person physically, I was a year ago. If you haven’t gotten the covid vaccine or the latest booster yet, please do. You don’t want this disability. I wasn’t able to blog for long periods due to this disease. I can barely exercise without becoming so exhausted that I need to go home and sleep. There’s no cure. There are treatments, but that isn’t a guarantee because it’s basically throwing shit at a wall. Even if there will be treatments, I bet it will be expensive and not covered by insurance in America. Which is the case with conditions that do have medical solutions such as ADD or diabetes.
It’s 36 degrees Fahrenheit outside today. It’s been cold and snowing all week, and last night was an ice storm.
I called out one day this week because I felt unsafe driving to work. My Prius spins out in normal conditions; I’m not going to risk driving on ice. I may need new tires. It’s probably how the car is. I drive safely and maintain it, and the mileage is about 69k.
I’m waiting on whether or not work will be open today. One more hour and the boss will give the word. That said, I’m leaning on staying home for safety because conditions haven’t changed much since 730am.
Today is a metaphor for how I’ve felt about my life outside of work. Frozen in place, surrounded by ice.
Burned out
I’m thriving at work, getting attention for working hard, and pushing myself to do things that I’ve never done at any job before, and I’m proud of myself for that. Proud but exhausted.
In the past month, I’ve: written 4 SOPS or standard operating procedures for work and writing a draft for two more. I can do this now because of my strong relationships with my department lead, boss, and ownership. There’s mutual trust and respect. This is possible because I stuck with this company when times were tough earlier in the year. This is possible. After all, I bet on myself because I chose to respond to situations differently than I had in the past. I decided not to give up.
I’m in charge of planning a Holiday Potluck Party for next month. I’m excited about that while being worried about it being a super spreader covid event 1 year after I got covid at a Pizza party I threw at work. I’m so tired of being worried about covid… This time will be different. I will do everything I can to prevent this from happening again.
Along with this, I’m making friends at work! Didn’t think it would be possible to be friends with a boss and have professional boundaries.
I’m successful. Finally! Despite this long-ass journey to find secure work, I’m successful because I’ve worked hard in therapy, despite years of struggling to find that too. All this persistence is paying off. Next month will be 1 year since I became a manager. My time was short as a manager. However, I’m content being an assistant manager.
Long-term, career-wise, I don’t want to own my own business or manage people as a life. I don’t know what I want to do, and that’s okay. I could manage a small group of people in the future like I’m doing now, but I’d prefer not to. It’s not a strength, and my social battery drains fast.
Physically I can’t be a full-time manager. I can’t because of long covid. Next month will be a year since I caught covid, and I’m just coming to terms with the fact that I might have this for the rest of my life. Maybe it will heal on its own like some who have long covid. Possibly there will be a cure. For now, I have to live with it. I am doing better compared to earlier in 2022… But it’s a daily thing to manage.
I’ve been getting by this month, getting home, watching anime, and going to bed early.
I shouldn’t be dating right now.
I’ve had some time to reflect on how I’m living and showing up outside of work, and I don’t enjoy seeing how I am.
I go to work and come home to watch an anime show, tv show, or movie I’ve watched several times before for comfort while browsing Instagram and occasionally playing with Coconut or playing video games.
I’ve let myself go, and I’m over 240 pounds… The heaviest I’ve ever weighed. It’s no wonder, considering how unhealthy I eat.
At the same time, I have to acknowledge that I am a disabled person because of Long Covid. Next month will be a year since I caught Covid. I have a chronic illness that doesn’t have a cure and might never ever have a cure. Medicines and treatments might be on the way, but I can’t control that. I am hopeful that treatments and drugs will come because I don’t want to pray for bad things to happen. Until then, I have to accept that it is my life. I’ve become a different person than I was a year ago. I haven’t come to terms with that.
I was browsing DuckDuckGo, searching various phrases, and I found this article by Dr. Nerdlove titled “How Do I Date When I Have A Disability?“ that I came up with as a related blog post at the end of “5 Times When You Shouldn’t Be Dating”. The original article is helpful, but it didn’t nail why I’ve felt this unique frustration that I have felt this year and the past couple of years. I should be taking a date from dating, but I didn’t know why. I can’t change if I don’t understand the problem. Knowing why helps me challenge anxious or depressing thoughts that come up. Knowing why helps me set boundaries and be mindful of when I need self-care. The article is much longer and has a bunch of helpful gems in it, but for the sake of this blog post, I feel this portion nails how I feel:
“I wonder – and you’ll have to tell me if I’m wrong about this – if part of the problem is that you’re still in the adjustment period. I mean, come on, you just had your life blown apart in a way that’s changed everything for you. Yeah, it’s been three years, but that’s less than a tenth of your life; you had thirty years of living life one way, then suddenly having to change almost everything. That’s not a lot of time to come to terms, to mourn or to build the new systems that work for you. And while I have no doubt that you’re a magnificent badass with the heart of a volcano and the passion of a thousand burning suns in your soul, even Lucifer needed time to say “well…. fuck” after hitting the ground.
So it may be worth looking inward and seeing if you’re still holding yourself to standards – the “good working order” – that are literally impossible any more. Acknowledging your disability doesn’t mean you’re “not in good working order”, it means recognizing that you have a new reality and you need to adapt to it. Being upset at how your life changed and what you’ve had to give up – at least for now – doesn’t mean you’re not fit to share your life with anyone. Acknowledging that you’re lonely and feeling isolated and wanting more doesn’t mean that you’re not fit to date, it means you’re dealing with some shit.
“But it’s been three years!” I hear you cry. “Treatment and therapy hasn’t helped.”
OK… but are you sure that the therapy you’ve been getting is what you need? Is it possible that maybe you don’t have the right therapist? Or, hear me out: is it possible that you’re trying to fit into an able-bodied framework when you simply aren’t abled anymore?”
Song of the post: Tired of Being Alone by Al Green
That doesn’t mean I’m going to settle. A rant on dating apps…
I don’t want to use dating apps again. I didn’t have much success after using Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble for a couple of years. It’s like looking for work on Indeed, but you can apply to every job. Unlike sites like Indeed, where you look for work, with dating and dating apps, you have a chance of success with people out of your training, experience, or attractiveness because of how dating works. Dating apps are worse than Indeed because at least you know if you have a fair shot of success with looking for work because you know your potential pool of employers based on your training and expertise. With dating apps, you see every job or person nearby. Sure I could apply for that CEO job in baking despite having zero experience or knowledge of that industry and have better odds of winning the lottery. But they won’t look at my application and do not reply, making me think I have a shot at an interview. They won’t match up like on bumble and force me to watch the match timer slowly tick away for three days before never responding. Jobs won’t make their needs unclear or not put enough information in their post for job seekers not to know what they are looking for.
Some posts on instagram that resonates with this new me:
Doesn’t have kids. I don’t want to be a father right away. I’d only consider kids after dating and living together for a couple years.
Willing to pace the relationship. Not too fast, not too slow.
Has goals.
Has a job. Must work.
A secure attachment or is currently going to therapy to heal this.
Must be left wing with politics.
Not codependent.
Not manipulate.
Not abusive.
Not narcissistic, or has any other major personality disorder.
Wants to meet in person for dates.
Lives nearby.
Not an addict.
Can communicate in a mature manner.
Is self aware and in tune with their emotions.
Is smart or open minded.
Not religious. (I might be willing to compromise depending on how religious the woman is. Lots of variables on this.)
Has her own life.
Emotionally available.
Respects my boundaries.
Respects therapy.
Is in reasonable shape. I’m not attracted to heavier women despite me being an obese man.
Is interested in me.
Accepts me being on the autism spectrum. Accepts me having long covid.
Preferably an introvert.
Is okay with me being a homebody.
Is okay with me consuming weed every once in a while.
Is okay with me living with my mother for rent purposes.
I’m probably forgetting some things in this list. I wonder if this is asking too much. I wonder if I meet these things myself.
I am happy being single.
I also want to know what it feels like to be in a healthy, thriving, romantic relationship. Ive never been in one. I feel like I have missed out on this part of life.
The closest I have been in one was earlier this year. That relationship didn’t work out because of pacing.
I did ask a friend I met through blogging that I have a strong connection with if she was down with a long-distance relationship, but she said she couldn’t do it because of the distance. Make sense, as she lives in Kenya. That hurt. Especially since I’ve never had a connection like this with an amazing woman like her before. (She is not a catfish or scammer for those concerned. I’ve become an unwilling expert on the subject, sigh.) I’ve been considering visiting her because we get along so well. On the negative side, it would be tough for either of us to start over in a new country to be with each other. Sigh. 😢 (I have given this serious thought since it would be easier for me to do with where I am in life.) Who knows what will happen with this. I’m going to hope for the best-case outcome as a change. Once again it’s nice to have an awesome friend.
I’m 36 and haven’t had a long-term romantic relationship before, which bothers me. I count this as a woman saying she is my girlfriend and that we are officially a couple. I had had short long-distance relationships before where this was the case, but they didn’t work out for different reasons. Dating hasn’t been fun at all for me. Between not feeling ready because of my mental health or job situation, living with my mother, mountains of rejection with online dating, and holding onto a fantasy bond crush that had a disastrous ending that was my fault… I hate dating. I’m fed up with how difficult it’s been.
Therapy has helped me heal from these prior wounds—especially the last one I listed as a reason why.
That’s never happening again.
I feel that I’m a Demisexual and need an emotional connection to be attracted to a woman.
I have asked out women before, and had a handful of dates, but none worked out. All those dates were stressful because I was anxious or not enjoying them.
What could go wrong, has gone wrong.
I asked out a coworker, she was flattered but in a relationship. On the plus side I gained a friend and I am happy with that.🙂
I suppose that impromptu meeting with a woman earlier this year that led to a one-night stand and me having sex for the first time could be considered a successful date. That only worked because I chose not to wear a mask at the bar while hanging out at the rock show. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the experience and am grateful.
I’m honestly not sure if I’m interested in dating anymore. I loathe the process. I don’t like bars or busy places. I’m still cautious about any indoor area with many people because im afraid of catching covid again.
All things considered I have been crushing it this year with dating. I have had two feet in the arena and pushing myself forward despite not being in a relationship. (yet) for many years I wasn’t trying or not living in reality. My hard work of working on myself, learning from my mistakes, and growing has paid off.
Source, how I have felt lately. Image of a recently burned tree, exposing its vascular tissue. Maybe this is why I’ve been eating so much pasta in recent days.
Dearly beloved We are gathered here today To get through this thing called life -Prince
It’s no wonder I’ve been burned out… It seems to be something I’ve experienced around August for the past three years. See these posts:
The above gif and prince song are a metaphor for my life this month. The arrows are emotional.
I’m covered in arrows, in pain, from multiple sources.
My brother has had a severe back injury that he can’t get treated for due to legal complications. A double trigger due to dad dying almost 20 years ago in a car accident… Which resulted in a lawsuit against our family. This wasn’t my brother’s fault, thankfully. It’s tough to see him suffering. On top of that, he caught covid. He recovered, but it was a tough couple of weeks there.
My mother is recovering from an accident at work which resulted in her going to the ER to get stitches. She’s doing better now but still healing from bruises. That was tough to see her hurt. Especially since she’s getting older, she’s still a go-getter.
Naturally I’ve been worried about both of them.
The quest for inner peace, to heal
I have been exhausted this month. Between my family being injured, the heat, being isolated, and grief. I think I’m finally in the last stages of healing from my past major breakups.
Me lately in this heatwave.
I’m not sure if I still have long covid, or all this mental and physical fatigue is from recent events or depression.
It’s a great thing that I’m in therapy again. It will be better going forward because I’m on viibryd, an antidepressant again.
I’ve had trouble writing so I’m going to do something different here and express myself in pictures since my head hurts trying to think.
Various mental health pictures that describe me lately…
I hope that soon I will not feel awful and be able to write longer posts. Sometimes your health comes first, and when you have a chronic illness such as Long covid, and unpredictable migraines, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself.
Here is a post that doesn’t have many views, but is one I treasure. It’s about my late cat Flip, who was a dear kitty that was part of my life for 18 years.
I’m seeking a new mountain and life goals because I feel stuck. A couple posts ago, in Existential Blog Crisis (linked below), I wrote that I thought it was time to overhaul the blog.
TLDR summary: I don’t feel the blog name fits anymore. I chose it in March 2020 without much thought because I needed to write. I had a need to be seen, heard, and written. I didn’t take too long to choose a website name because I knew I’d overthink so much that I would procrastinate. I chose a basic free theme, later changed the music to the current theme (not digging it anymore), and here we are today. Also, I did some SEO and learned about it along the way.
The problem now…
I’m not sure what I want. Am I ready for this? Ready for a different blog? For a different life?
Am I really mature enough?
Am I really ready for more? I didn’t feel prepared for a relationship until last week with the breakup.
I should be happy. All I do is exist… In the background.
Am I ready for a different life?
I need help, and I don’t want to be isolated anymore.
I’m not happy with my life.
I’m tired of “just existing.”
I don’t mind being by myself. I’d just like some company.
The state of the world has worn me out.
Why can’t I break free to a better life? To be a better person. I’m tired of feeling like shit because I’m insecure.
I feel like a teenager trapped in an adult body. Yet, I’m alone.
I’ve been running from the few women I connect with online.
No wonder I’m going crazy.
I’m both of the following:
The Love Addict If you were abandoned as a child (physically or emotionally), you will likely carry deep fear of abandonment as an adult. Having been abandoned, it’s also probable you have no prior experience with healthy intimacy.
So you may desperately crave intimacy but also be terrified of not knowing how to do it. The safest bet then becomes wildly chasing after people who are emotionally unavailable or don’t know how to cultivate a healthy connection.
“The Love Avoidant If you were enmeshed by a parent who used you to meet their emotional needs, you learned that closeness is manipulative, conditional, selfish, overwhelming, and unenjoyable in many ways.
An enmeshing parent also abandons the child emotionally, so the child concludes that
Others can’t be trusted to meet my needs Intimacy is smothering, and I’ll take care of my damn self, thank you very much You ain’t gotta be a crystal ball reader to know how this story ends. These people live and die behind various walls of productiveness, aloofness, silence, anger, fear, or cordial superficiality.
Although they crave love like everyone else, they frequently tie themselves up in work or various other addictions. That way, they never have to revisit the painful challenge of genuine human connection.
Love Avoidants are often quite intelligent, mature, likable, and otherwise successful people who date Love Addicts or other unhealthy people they can easily manipulate to safely keep the upper hand.”
I’m short; I’m crazy. Thankfully I’m in therapy again. Maybe I’ll finally be free. I’ll break through this languishing… Finally, I’ll break out of this emotional prison. (Did I make this?)
Should I be around others? Or will my toxicity make their lives worse, like how I have made people’s lives worse in the past? To say: look at that loser, look at that asshole! Stay away from him!
Is my purpose in life to be a negative example to others? ☹️
Is my purpose for suffering?
Maybe I am a monster.
I’m tired of being a loser. I’m tired of being an NPC.
I think I upset an online friend, and I don’t know why. I might be personalizing posts and making a problem out of nothing. Reading into a situation that isn’t there. Or the piece was written about someone else.
I might have missed a good thing, a lovely lady who could’ve been interested and isn’t because I missed signs of interest. Did I mislead someone? Did my lack of confidence push her away? All because I couldn’t believe she would like me the way I am right now?
What have I done?
I hope it’s not too late.
😦
I don’t deserve better because pebbles feel like mountains
I broke up with a lady on Friday night that I met on Facebook dating. She was a real person and not a catfish.
In this situation, no matter how great she was… Sometimes you have to trust your gut. This time, I knew she was a natural person and not a catfish because I talked to her on several phone calls and had a video call with her. Sigh. She was a great person; we had many things in common; she was incredibly attracted to me, and I was to her; she was an upfront communicator, emotionally available, and gave me the benefit of the doubt…
But she wanted marriage, kids, and to move together immediately. While I do like those things, not this year. Not that fast. I said I wanted us to slow things down, and she said she understood, yet… I couldn’t shake the bad feeling in my gut. I am not ready to move in together, start a family, and get married without being sure first.
Relationship goals
My relationship map, as I now understand it, looks like this: Go on dates for a couple months to get a feel for the lady in different situations and observe how I feel about her. Move in together and see how we mesh living together daily. After 1-2 years, consider marriage. I choose that time precisely because it’s outside of the honeymoon phase. We will both know how we handle conflicts and long-term behavior patterns. After marriage, have kids. I’m unsure how many I would like to raise, as I’m not a baby person and am okay with other people’s kids. Have one kid and go from there. (Side note: I know it’s selfish and messed up to want kids in this fucked up world with climate change and all. I still like it. The heart wants what it wants…)
It was hard to break up, and it’s barely been a couple days. I had to do it.
I called her, had a short phone call, and told her I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to keep her from a better match. It didn’t help that we would not have had the first date until August because she was out of town for work. As the relationship coaches would say, it felt like she was Fast Forwarding and putting me on a Pedestal before knowing me in person. Yes, I told her everything about me that could be a problem, such as: That I rent a room from and live with my mother, That I have little relationship experience due to that crush I had on a former friend, That I smoke pot and drink, that I’m on the autism spectrum.
This relationship could have worked out if she had slowed down… If I had experience and hadn’t texted her so much and waited to evaluate during the dates. As dating coach Susan Winter says in the video above… I was the fearful one in this relationship. We were progressing. The problem was that it didn’t feel right to me due to the short time we had known each other. I can’t recall giving a clear reason why I felt like I needed the relationship to slow down. It felt too good to be true. Maybe that’s the pain talking.
Next time I’ll know.
The upside is that now I know I am attractive to women online on dating apps (in this case, Facebook dating). I know that I can attract a woman I am attracted to. I know that I am capable of a relationship. I know that there are actual humans on the apps. I know that I am enough as I am, despite my past and my flaws. I know that I am confident.
I know that I want a lady who tells me what she wants. That says what she expects of me. I want a lady who knows who she is and what she wants.
If it wasn’t for those catfish or fishy online relationships where I’m not sure they are real, I wouldn’t have learned these attraction skills.
Now I know that I want to explore single life more. Have more casual relationships and one-night stands. I would be open to a relationship if the pace is much slower. I’m not ready to date any time soon, but other amazing women are out there.
I was ready for this and will be prepared to date in the future. This was a pleasant surprise in life. I learned from this heartbreak that I need a mentor, a guy friend I can talk to about relationships, or an uncle for advice about women and dating. I know that I have things to work on in therapy.
I’m not sure many people understand how hard it is to walk away when you haven’t dated much as I have. When you are lonely. When you are touch-starved. When it seems like the right thing. I have to trust my gut feeling. I have to trust my intuition. I must trust all the hours of self-work learning about relationships and dating.
Maybe I’m crazy to not date her. Did I make the wrong decision? I hope that she has a great life from here on.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t feel man enough.
Maybe I had to face this dating situation eventually.
Maybe this is life-giving me this situation– to reject a person I loved because we weren’t on the same path– to learn.
I’m disappointed about this. I wish it could have been different. I have to face reality and accept this isn’t different.
I’m tired of online dating.
My healing journey isn’t over.
My dating journey isn’t over.
I’m starting therapy again. I setup up a telehealth appointment.
The first result was negative for covid. This is the home test supplied by the American government. There is hope in our cloudy future.
Or waiting for the results 2022…
What a busy day. It’s 10:54pm Friday, and I’m in bed trying to sleep. Cue: The Beatles – A day in the life.
Been here before with a negative result and a positive result. This possible result could be worse than the positive test result for covid. There are scarier diseases in the world than covid. I simply now know what’s going on with me right now. That’s the problem of diagnosing health issues online with duckduckgo or any search engine. It could be a cold or rare cancer that a thousand people have worldwide. To be safe, I texted out from work.
Friday was test day…
A PCR covid test, a dentist appointment, and an STD test. I had no idea I’d need the latter a week ago, this time because I was a virgin. A former 36-year-old virgin. I’ve mentioned it on the blog… I think I’ve mentioned it on the blog. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. 😂🤣😎. Gotta laugh at your own stupid jokes. Guess I had to get a fuck to not give a fuck, hahaha. 😉
…
Okay, I’ll stop.
I’ve talked about it online anonymously. Me being a virgin, that is. Other than that, I’ve only told a friend I lost contact with and my pandemic therapist. I don’t talk about it because it’s embarrassing. After a certain age, you are mocked or thought of as less of a man by women and men. My biggest secret is that I’ve only felt safe discussing online with other virgins and masked. In a future post, I’ll write more about my long experience as a wizard (a man over 30 that is a virgin). For now, I’ll say that I was a safe and consensual one-night stand. Suffice it to say I’ve been really happy.
Tried for a long time to lose it in a romantic relationship… It is what it is.
Some coworkers know I got laid because they were at the bar for the punk rock show, but not the significance. I didn’t feel comfortable saying so. Gotta stay professional and be careful with my sharing in real life. I feel comfortable blogging about not because this is a safe space.
The fact is that I’m single and don’t have a girlfriend. This one-night stand is in the past. I hope that I have an official girlfriend soon. I’m 36, and this was a wonderful gift. I deserve good things too. I deserve a woman who says she wants to date me. Who wants me. I’m done wasting my time with women who don’t want me. Or with anyone who doesn’t want to be my friend or wants to be in my life. Show up, or show yourself out. I’m saying this from a place of calm self-acceptance. What if it all works out?
I’m not getting any younger. I have goals to work towards. I have wanted this all my life. I’m a regular dude and a good man. I’m not giving up this peace or confidence.
Groovy Baby! Yeah! 🥰 Finally!
I feel comfortable sharing on the blog because it’s the one place I have control. This is my place in the world. By taking ownership of this aspect of this piece of information about me, it makes me strong. One of the big reasons why I blog is self-acceptance by making sense of the unknown. When I started blogging, I was at rock bottom and completely alone… I felt alone. In any case, I’ve written enough. I’m doing well. No need to dig up the past. It’s gone. I’m not a virgin. I’m not that immature person anymore.
It gets easier.
Saturday morning, the results… Russian roulette-style:
The title feels right but maybe too grim. Hopefully, this will ease some tension?
I wouldn’t know my fate until today, 05/28,2022…
Covid PCR results:Negative.
This is how healthcare in the world should be. Free. Or very low cost, with no wait. Click. Empty chamber.
STD test results: Negative.
Thank goodness. These were the tests I was most afraid of.
The urgent care location I went to is not covered by the insurance network… I’m so tired of health insurance bullshit.
Maybe I can bill through them or as a tax deduction. Life has been expensive this month.
I called my insurance company nurse line, and while the initial person took the time to connect me to the right department, She couldn’t get an appointment until 10pm in south Renton… Which I couldn’t do on Friday. I was too wiped out by sickness, too stressed to do an in-depth analysis of my options, and barely made it to drive downtown for same-day urgent care STD testing… ASAP.
Continuing the Russian roulette theme… Two clicks, empty chambers.
Dentist appointment results: Negative. A clean bill of health. Empty chamber.
Veterinarian results for Coco: no signs of a UTI. Tests clear.
She might have a heart murmur or heart condition. The estimated cost is $700+ at the vet I go to. God damnit. How is this fair? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Fuck You, capitalism. Fuck you for doing this. Sigh. I’ll deal with this a bit later.
So maybe something might happen with my dear kitty. I sure hope not.
In summary: I’m okay!
Rip savings.🥲
P.S. About Life, & …
There’s this cultural meme in dating/relationships that whatever song you hear when you meet is to become your song. For me, after I was walking home after my one-night stand… It was When doves cry by Prince.
I’m reading the lyrics to When doves cry, and wow! What a coincidence that I happened to hear this song that night. It’s amazing how music can sometimes describe your life at the moment.
Even the parts of life I keep private have gone well. Been a good week again, despite the challenges of life.
Prince
While we are on the subject of Prince… Or the artist formerly known as Prince, I’m a late fan and didn’t know or really appreciate him until the last few years. Which, man. I missed out. Prince is awesome. If you can search for Prince – Super Bowl XLI halftime show on youtube. I can’t link it here, but trust me. This halftime show and live music performance is legendary. And the event documentary of it, too, by the NFL. One last thing. This comedy spoof bit by Dave Chappelle about Prince is hilarious! A cultural millennial legend.
(If you can’t see it in your country, It’s called “Chappelle’s Show – Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories – Prince – Uncensored.)
What a week! Maybe this means the time is close for a girlfriend? Certainly ready for friends of all types! 😮 (Maybe these symptoms, me feeling sick is too long, covid or a cold. Everything else is ruled out. Oh well.)
Finally, I’m a man in all aspects of life. Victory! 🏁🏆
Single and ready to mingle. I also don’t remember when I felt so comfortable with myself. The last time I had so much attention from women. A big deal for me because I’ve been a nerdy, socially anxious, depressed, shy man, most of my life. Fuck yeah. 😁❤️
In the meantime, I’m getting extra rest this holiday weekend! Excuse me as I leave to jam out to Prince.
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This image came up when I searched the title in duckduckgo images. Feels right for this situation below. Source
When writing, you have to remember who a piece is for.
Yesterday I went and visited my Aunt Mary. It’s been… Since August of last year, I last saw her in person. She’s getting older. She was losing her memory then, was severe enough that she needed full-time care assisted living. (I didn’t know there was a difference between these terms. My bad.) So much happened between now and then, made harder because of the pandemic—full credit to my cousin, her siblings, and my mom for coordinating this challenge. My aunt Mary is in a good place now that meets her needs.
She was so happy to visit me. Her new place is nice, seems the people working there are friendly. Helpful to the residents.
She has aphasia. Which means she forgets things. Memories, people, recalling information. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I’d known her to be wise as a whip and loquacious. I’d known her as kind l caring, and she treated all of us, kids, as equal persons of value.
I hope I’m not oversharing. I had to say write something. I didn’t realize what a privilege it is to have this ability to pontificate. To be able to talk to another person without struggling for words. It breaks my heart.
It hurts to see her differently now. Once again, I know that she is getting older. Part of life and having a large family is seeing your loved ones get older and, eventually, die. Nobody escapes death. Or, in this case, life changes.
Thanks to the pandemic and working on myself for the past two years, I’ve learned to be grateful for who I have in life. The people that care about you are interested in your life and have been there with you. Aunt Mary always has been. All the ups and downs. She reminded me of many good memories, good times together I’d forgotten about.
We went and had McDonald’s with her and a long-time friend who lives there with her for dinner. It was blowing rain. I didn’t mind. Both ladies were so happy, so excited to go out and do something. I was grateful to drive us there.
We returned and ate dinner in a nice visiting area in the lobby of her apartment. Had some nice comfy chairs and a fireplace. It was a wonderful experience. I’m so happy to have that time and meet her friend.
An excellent silly adventure for tasty, fast food.
Our life on this earth is short.
I’m grateful for Sunday and those hundreds of thousands of days in life with her.
I kept up a cheerful front because I wanted to appreciate every minute of this visit. I tried to be strong because she needed me to be.
I bawled on the ferry ride back. Been feeling a bunch of complicated emotions as I’m grateful for everything she’s meant to me and to see her change like this. I’m, my family is grieving the person she was. She’s here but gone. Still a lovely person. Sigh.
Damn…
I couldn’t sleep and wake up in the night with a migraine. I had to take the day off work cause of it.
I’m rambling again. I am getting long in the tooth again.
I love you, Aunt Mary. I couldn’t think of anything else to share but this song by Jimi Hendrix. Maybe we can’t talk with words the same as we used to. Next time, I’ll read to you like you once did when I was a child. Hopefully, we can continue to connect through music. Only this feels right:
Song of the post: The wind cries Mary by Jimi Hendrix
(the featured image is of a cherry grown from a tree I planted 10 years ago. It fruited in July. A timely metaphor for this period of time.)
I can’t point to any one reason why I haven’t blogged this past month-plus. Guess the creative tank was empty. I tried to force myself to write a couple of times over the past month…
Last month I installed an app that tracks my phone use. It’s called “StayFree” (I’m not being paid to say this, though I’d sell out too). And my results have been… Embarrassing.
I have a severe internet addiction problem. (Though I guess the app missed all the time I spent listening to audiobooks on audible. I don’t count that time since it’s good for me.) This has been a problem, especially in the past year. But damn. 274 hours?! Oof.
Wow, I expected my total use time to be much lower than 8 hours 😐. I certainly didn’t spend much of that writing.
The content I did write didn’t feel up to par. I don’t know. I’ve felt scattered and unfocused when writing. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself or attached to perfectionist tendencies. (Edit: Today, I cut up and saved the valuable bits. Which became this post)
Whatever it is, I feel like my life is at another transition point. I think a shift to something new.
French Toast, Donny Burgers, Peanut Butter, and Lemon Slushee Weed oh my!
It’s been a bit since the last blog post. (34 days!) I’ve been busy. Well, not that busy… More focused on doing well at my new job. Hyper-focused. I like what I do for work: trimming weed, my coworkers, and the company. (I wish that I could post pictures. I can’t because this is a form of social media. I wonder if it’s okay a)
Eat, work, sleep. Repeat. As for writing, it felt like the creative well was low, and I needed a small break.
Everything is going well, and I’m slowly feeling secure the company will last more than four months. ( I have no reason to see that they’d close or fail. Thanks to anxiety… )
I’m giving it my all, and I am happy to. The company’s goal is to have the best cannabis in the state. It’s a mindset shift. At my last job, they also had high standards for trimming, but you can only do so much with average-quality products. It’s so refreshing to work at a company like this. It’s like a high-end restaurant… Without the soul-destroying stress, heat, or snobbery.
Last week, we were ‘bucking’ to cut cured, dried branches of product to a smaller size for storage, and the workroom smelled like french toast. The kind that uses fake high fructose corn syrup, imitation vanilla extract, butter, and ground cinnamon/nutmeg you can find on a grocery store spice shelf.
A huge perk of working with weed is the aromas. The best stuff or dank can smell like so many things, from diesel, skunk, to flowers, to a tropical island, to french toast. Grown ideally, it sticks to your gloved hands.
Pictured above: Peanut Butter Crunch cannabis. I received this as a sample to smoke. Getting samples is a perk of working in the cannabis industry. Thanks Fire Bros! This strain is available at recreational stores in WA state!
They’ve been around for five years, built a massive new warehouse to grow multiple times more products due to demand, and hired people to meet it.
The work is pleasant yet challenging. I feel it’s opened my mind to a time when I enjoyed being the best I could be. To grow every day at work. I had this at my last weed job too. It’s a very different culture when everyone is in the same building. My previous job was at a branch location. (Except for our growing team. There is a massive warehouse where our weed is grown. It used to be in our building.) It’s a nice change to regularly see the owner and upper management doing whatever needs to be done. They ask how we’re doing. They want feedback for improvement and mean it.
So many green flags, yet I’m paranoid. I’m trying not to worry about the other shoe dropping. I don’t want to lose this job: good people, a good workplace, and good company.
Once again, the coronavirus pandemic has been the antagonist.
(AKA: Yes, but) I had two separate covid scares week. I felt sick on Monday — fatigue, fever, muscle soreness, and common cold symptoms– so I left work after 45 minutes. I drove to the drive-thru testing center and got a precautionary Covid test to be safe. The test center said the results would be ready in 24-48 hours. So, I had that stress, along with not knowing what was up.
Tuesday morning, the first covid test was negative! What a relief… I’m just sick with a cold. So I took it easy. I had just enough energy to fill my ballot and drop it off at a local community center voting drop box… Driving there in my new car!
I finally have my car! A 2013 Toyota Prius! All thanks to my Dear Aunt M! Love you, Aunt M!
Yeah, like that. I’m not comfortable sharing my car yet. This’ll do for now.
Wednesday, I went to work driving by myself in my car for the first time in… like, 7 or 8 years. That whole time I was sharing a car with my mother because it was convenient, and I couldn’t afford another one because of poor mental health and working minimum wage jobs. My mental health has dramatically improved due to therapy and the right mix of medications. If it weren’t for my persistence in my health and good decisions, I would not be in this good spot where I have options. I still have the stuff to work on, but I’m treading water. I’ll take it. With this, I can progress. I am so grateful for all of that.
I worked the day, double-masked for safety. I got through the day but was exhausted. I should have stayed home.
Thursday morning, I turn on my phone and get a message on slack from one of my bosses. Another potential Covid exposure at work on Monday. The appointment was canceled, and everyone who got tested got a sick day. I got tested again and had to wait another 24 hours for a result.
Friday. That morning the result was: Negative! Whew. It seems most of my coworkers tested negative too, which is reassuring. I decided to take Friday off, too, as I wasn’t much better.
In Summary, Two negative covid tests but a bad cold. Waiting for test results is fucking stressful. While we have a mask mandate at work, it could be enforced a bit more. I feel there needs to be a company meeting going over what masks are considered safe (A few coworkers wear neck gaiters, which don’t provide proper protection) and how to properly wear a mask (Aka over the nose, on at all times inside). We need a vaccine requirement for employment.
I’m fucking tired of being considerate anymore. Way past being patient. It’s been 16 months. The pandemic is still raging, and I’ve done everything right. It’s fucking bullshit that only 50% of people are vaccinated at this point. I wish our government would save the remaining vaccines for the kids under 12, send the rest out to the parts of the world that want them, and force the unvaccinated adults (who do not have a valid medical exemption) to pay for them through our insurance system. I want to run up to a denier and shake them. Don’t you care about kids? Don’t you care about the elderly? Don’t you care about the sick? Don’t you care about the well-being of your friends or family? Don’t you care about your fellow human?
This lyric from A change gon come by Sam Cooke sums up how I feel right now as an American, as a person of the world:
“Then I go to my brother And I say, “Brother, help me please” But he winds up knockin’ me Back down on my knees.”
This came up on Genius.com for the song lyrics:
“This line refers to Blacks in the United States who did not openly support the Civil Rights Movement. Often, these people were afraid of violent retribution, and preferred to keep their fellow men “on their knees” in front of whites to avoid conflict. Cooke’s record producers were especially guilty of this.
They were more interested in keeping him popular among white listeners, than allowing him to speak out against race-related injustices in his music. This song was the first politically charged recording of Cooke’s, and was his way of “getting off of his knees.”
Ironically, the track was initially buried on the B-side of a semi-popular single by his producers. Rather than being released to stand on its own, the executives were too worried it would degrade Cooke’s popularity with whites.”
It’s no wonder why another civil rights reckoning is happening during the pandemic. (Fucking stalled in the Senate by the same people making the pandemic worse, Republicans). Everyone is equal in the face of a virus. Corona Virus doesn’t care about your skin color, your feelings, your politics, or anything about you. It exists to spread in ideal conditions. The only way you are safe is to get the vaccine. To wear a mask and distance themselves from others.
You know… I need a Pandemic Anger Anonymous support group. Something. Another year of this? Ugh.
Oh, I finally feel a sense of peace and understanding regarding all the grief I went through last year. I’m sorry, and I vow never to act that way again.
It’s nice not to have that weighing on me every day… on top of 2021’s stuff.
Rest in Peace, Aunt Ann.
Thank you for reading this; I realize I haven’t been consistent lately… And I want to get back on the blog horse. If you enjoyed this, please give it a like, and tell me what you think in the comments! Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please GET VACCINATED, wear a mask indoors or near people, that covers your mouth and nose. Wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
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