Category Archives: Autism

Unique Opportunity, Part 2.

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Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I’m back from my break! The heatwave last week sure drained me. The break was just what I needed, and I know what I need going forward. Without further ado, here is A Unique Opportunity, Part 2.

This is the Finale of this post from May:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/05/12/a-unique-opportunity/

Songs of the post: All My Life, My Hero By the Foo Fighters.

A couple months ago in April, I wrote to my local newspaper for an article pitch.

The Seattle Times has a series of articles about mental health called The Mental Health project where they ask the local community about their experiences…

“The Mental Health Project is a Seattle Times initiative focused on covering mental and behavioral health. The project illuminates a growing mental health crisis in the Seattle region, Washington state and beyond. It explores the many types of mental illness people experience, spotlights promising treatments and research, and examines actions by government agencies, nonprofits and health providers to address the problem.

Evidence points to worrying signs of a mental health crisis in the Northwest, across the country and around the world, exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic, economic fallout and the nation’s racial reckoning. The rise in anxiety is straining schools, legal systems and social services, and disproportionately hitting vulnerable people, including people of color. In the Puget Sound region, Seattle Children’s has seen a concerning increase in visits for psychiatric emergencies, and schools are grappling with the effects of trauma and stress on students’ ability to learn. Adding to the challenge: a shortage of therapists and other options for treatment. 

The Mental Health Project explores these issues and more. The project is funded by Ballmer Group, a national organization focused on economic mobility for children and families. Seattle Times editors and reporters operate independently of our funders and maintain full editorial control over all coverage. 

Our team — editor Diana Samuels, reporters Hannah Furfaro and Esmy Jimenez, and engagement editor Michelle Baruchman — welcomes the community’s help in guiding and informing our coverage. Please email any thoughts, tips or story ideas to mentalhealth@seattletimes.com, share them on Twitter at @stmentalhealth, or leave a voicemail at 206-464-2090.

Seattle Times staff

https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/mental-health/about-the-mental-health-project/

Back in April, on 4/20/22 (Omg, both the classic stoner holiday and Autism Awareness month! I find this funny because I am both Autistic and a Stoner. I never noticed until today… Haha), I wrote to their project email account, pitching an article idea. I had read an article in the Seattle times newspaper about feeling anxious about returning to the office. I decided to take a chance and write to them about my experience in the mental health system. An Autism-centered story proposal- The lack of formal diagnosis tools for adults. I honestly didn’t expect my story pitch to be accepted… let alone published.

That week was so stressful, A classic Murphy’s Law week where what could go wrong, did. I was home after getting awful side effects from the Moderna booster shot. I felt called to write this article because of my past experience and it felt like the right thing to do. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t take the chance to make it happen and possibly make the world a better place.

The Article after this awesome quote by Terrance McKenna, and drawn into a comic by Gavin Aung Than.

“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed.” Terence McKenna
From the awesome Zen Pencils. Source.

I was diagnosed with autism at 34. We need more research for adults.

https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/mental-health/i-was-diagnosed-with-autism-at-34-we-need-more-research-for-adults-mental-health-perspectives/

I’m 36, and it wasn’t until two years ago that I was diagnosed with autism. I was lucky to even find out.

The years before involved multiple therapists that didn’t work, medication that gave me bad side effects, and misdiagnoses. Navigating insurance was a constant struggle.

The first psychiatrist I saw prescribed amphetamine medication for ADHD. That medication resulted in three heart attacks at age 22. Another psychiatrist prescribed two dozen different medications. Only one worked for ADHD, but my insurance didn’t cover it so I couldn’t afford it. I can only take it now because there is a generic form available.

It was hard for me to connect with therapists because I didn’t know how therapy worked, what kinds of treatment are available and that it’s based on developing comfortable, trusting relationships. 

I later sought help from the mental health organization Valley Cities. I went through several therapists there with no success. One left for another job, one finished her internship for college, and a couple just weren’t a good fit for my needs.

It was also around this time that I started to believe I may be on the autism spectrum. No other diagnosis was fitting completely; depression, anxiety and ADHD only partially explained the behaviors and symptoms I had in social situations. Information I found online showed me that I did have some traits and could be on the spectrum.

I asked my Valley Cities therapist at the time what I had to do to be tested. She said the only testing available was designed for children and teens, and I would have to go to Children’s hospital in Seattle or search online for a test. This is like asking a person with a broken leg to go buy new bandages and medical supplies on their own, without help.

I gave up in frustration and despair. Medication somewhat worked, but the side effects were awful. And although therapy groups were helpful, I needed an individual therapist I could trust. I had been spinning my wheels and not feeling or seeing improvement in my life. My faith in the system was shattered.

Meanwhile, I needed to work full time to pay bills, so I took a job as a cook, which meant I had to give up my Washington state Medicaid coverage. Suddenly, everything that had been covered through Apple Health, including therapy, medication, doctor visits and sleep studies, was in peril. The cheapest, lowest-coverage insurance was all I could afford on minimum-wage work. 

The early days of the pandemic, and the months leading up to it, were excruciating with few moments of joy.

My 18-year-old cat died, I lost my job, and the pandemic ended the board game night I attended at a friend’s house. I was smoking too much marijuana, and drinking too often. I was close to attempting suicide. I was toxic in a breakup with a friend who didn’t deserve it, which was the last straw. 

I asked my mother to bring me to the hospital. The therapist at Swedish referred me to Sound Mental Health. I’m grateful that I chose to try therapy one more time, despite years of mixed results, because finally, luck went my way. I was assigned a therapist after a consultation who could treat me. As we continued working together, I began trusting her and we clicked. 

On my third appointment, I asked about getting screened for autism. My therapist at Sound found a test for children and teens and asked me a series of questions, although some weren’t relevant for my age. I found out I am autistic the week of my 34th birthday in April, which also happens to be Autism Awareness Month.

Finding out was a relief because I now have something to work off of, and I know why I behave a certain way or struggle in social situations.

With a guide and stable professional support, I spent the pandemic working on myself full time. Therapy over Zoom worked for me. I met my Sound therapist in person at a park last summer for our final visit.

These days, I’m doing better. I’m in the process of self discovery and self awareness with autism. I am seeing a new therapist through Kaiser to work on the skills I began developing and practicing in 2021, and I smoke less weed and drink less alcohol than I did two years ago.

I do sometimes wonder if I’m having brief setbacks because I felt more comfortable during the lockdown than I do in the regular world.

But I’m also thinking about how long this process took.

It’s hard enough to find a therapist who accepts your insurance, accepts new clients, and has availability during the day that fits around work schedules. How am I supposed to grow as a person on the spectrum when autism in adults doesn’t have a formal guide of how it presents, and how to fit in?

There needs to be more research on autism in adults. It’s odd that I had to find out myself by looking online. Autism presents itself differently at every age group. By not having this knowledge for adults, we are causing unnecessary harm by misdiagnosing medical conditions. 

Reilly Anderson lives in Seattle and works in the cannabis industry.

Thank you for reading this post, and this article! If you enjoyed this, please subscribe and comment below!

Past posts:

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022.

I wish I could be a Hermit

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I wish that I had no needs.

I wish that I had no feelings.

No need for human interaction.

No need for attachments.

No need for money.

No desires.

No thought.

I wish that I could live completely alone and never need anyone.

I don’t understand why I exist.

Life is a never-ending carrot on a stick.

I hate having needs.

Why do I exist?

I suck at everything.

Life is suffering.

Self-Evaluation: Catharsis

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Man sitting on a rock near the shore of an ocean, staring at the sunset.

This is the conclusion to this post from May 24th.

Catharsis: discharge of pent-up emotions to result in the alleviation of symptoms or the permanent relief of the condition. Source.

Song of the post: “Nessun Dorma from Turnadot, sung by Luciano Pavarotti.

After delays, several days of anxiety… A result. (A week later, feeling normal.)

To begin, I am so over (in an intellectual sense) being sick. Feeling sick for no reason or exhausted.

Just as I think that long covid is gone, the flame is reignited. Damn, these nagging symptoms…

So. Gotta let it go. I need to accept that I am not feeling well and give in to this mysterious, chronic illness. Fighting against my body makes it worse. I can’t change this. It is what it is. 😷

I can acknowledge my emotions in my body and use therapy skills.

Worrying? That would be torture. At times, I talk to my anxious thoughts to gain clarity. Is this feeling something that I can act on? Is it a need that requires attention? Or is it unhelpful fear? What to do next? Decide how to proceed.

I use the following quote to ground myself when I recognize myself worrying. Or, also known as anxiety.

“Why. Worry? Worrying is praying for the thing you fear to happen. So stop worrying.”

Natalie Stavola, dating coach, youtube

I’m paraphrasing this quote and need to fact-check it. There’s also a concept in Zen Buddhism that supports this concept. To notice when you are hijacked by a feeling, acknowledge it’s happening, then choose how to proceed forward.

In the therapy world, it’s called The STOP skill.

Flashing stop sign
  • 1) STOP Everything.
  • 2) Take a moment. I like to close my eyes and breathe slowly.
  • 3) Observe within, as you would in meditation, what you are thinking and feeling in your body in the present.
  • 4) Proceed forward. Translation: this is when you decide what to do. Sometimes it’s just to remember that you always have a choice in your actions in life. Other times, it’s to redirect your thinking from unhelpful thinking, such as an anxiety blitz.

Results

Overall grade B+.

Need to work on communication, especially in text. I need a soft start because I’m direct. So direct that it comes across as cold and/or insensitive. Which backfires because the tone detracts from the message. This trait is common to be on the autism spectrum. My late grandma always said that I was so “literal.”

Okay, it’s autism, and I spent most of my life online on message boards, gaming, and my family dynamic.

I need to improve my leadership and inspiration. The trimmers want more leadership and inspiration from me. Part of this was due to how my direct supervisor and I were figuring out our roles the past 4 months and me stepping back to fit the chain of command.

I need to be comfortable asking for assistance from others in communication situations. How to approach or how to effectively communicate. Or recognize when I need to draft a message and wait on it. I said in the comments that I need to trust myself and be confident.

Once again, life relates the same situation to show me that I need to learn something. I need to learn to practice how to edit writing. And to write for the audience of the piece.

Solution: the app Grammarly. It’s built on an AI that gives you feedback on the impression your message gives. One word or how the message is structured makes a huge difference. Grammarly gives suggestions and specific tips as you type. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this advice, either. It was a tip by the lovely Pooja of Lifeisfinewhine.

(For those that don’t know, Pooja is a blogger from Kenya who writes about SEO/blogging tips, 6-word stories, poetry, and interesting slice-of-life posts.)

Conclusion: I’m doing fantastic at work.

I’ve already had a couple of opportunities to practice this new way of expressing myself, and it’s working!

I got a raise, and they accepted my idea of bonuses for high performers!

I love my workplace. After so many years of struggling in work and life, finally, I’m getting my needs met. I’ve grown so much in the past 6 months. I’m catching up on my emotional and communication issues that were impossible to work on in the socially distant phase of the pandemic. 😤🥰

Edit: Welp, so much for SEO practice. I scheduled this post for midnight instead of 11 am today. 🙃

Thanks for reading! Have you ever had a performance meeting at work? How was it? Tell me below in the comments!

Copyright TheUnknownReilly 2022.

A Unique Opportunity

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Me for years. 🙃

You miss all the shots you don’t take.

Hockey legend Wayne Gretzky once said: ” You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

I am so guilty of this, that it’s like a served a term in a jail of my own making. For many years I was stuck in life and mired in depression. While a large portion of this suffering was due to traumatic things happening to me, processing my own issues, and the pains everyone goes through in finding one self, there was a part that I could do something about. That I can take action about every day.

For a long time, I was that person who lived by the mantra: “As soon as I have/am _____, I’ll be worthy. I’ll be enough because I have: a well paying job, live on my own, or am healthy with no mental health issues or problems.

Yes, being independent and self sufficient with the ability to take care of yourself are needs everyone has. You work on those every minute, hour, and day.

That doesn’t mean you are enough as you are right now. Every person on earth has worth. The point being that I made the choice over and over again for years that I wasn’t enough to take a shot on something because I felt unworthy. Insecure. Not mature enough.

Even when life put the goal right there in front of me and asked: what are you going to do?

Too many times I avoided it.

This missing out on potential friends, activities I might have enjoyed, connection with existing relationships, standing up for myself, saying what I want and need, and missing out on so many romantic opportunities. Rarely, I’d make a shot, but it’d be a partial success, or the puck would bounce off the boundary. Each time I felt like a failure and gave up. I was already in a low place, and didn’t get understand that you have to fail. Failure is part of life and part of success, however you define success for yourself, your life.

All because I didn’t feel like enough. That I wasn’t good enough because I work an entry level job. I wasn’t worthy of women because I have mental health problems. Because I haven’t moved out and live with my parent.

I avoided even when all flags were green and the goal was wide open, assuring success. Or that I would have made the goal if I believed in myself that I’d make it, despite a life defending the goal. I’m enough right now. People will like and appreciate me as I am. And I can work on myself too.

That time has gone and passed. I can’t go back and change things. Each a lesson. Which I had to experience multiple times because I was in denial and life kept throwing these situations at me because it was necessary.

So, I said: Fuck it.

I’d much rather fail, and fall on my face than regretting not trying.

I’m going to have my issues, and working on myself for the rest of life. I’m not perfect, and this is who I am, where I’m at in life.

The pandemic really cemented my “Fuck it” attitude. Half the US decided not to wear a mask or get vaccinated because they don’t care about others, no matter the consequences. This same group attempted a coup because their feelings were hurt and they’re sore losers because Trump lost the 2020 election for president of the United States. I’m so tired of Trump supporters. It feels like Trump and his anti-democracy cronies are getting away with the Jan 6th coup.

The one upside to this madness, is that it’s given me clarity on who I am as a person and the values I put into practice in life.

It feels like every week, the United States is on a downward spiral as important problems are left unaddressed, or stonewalled in Congress. Rights such as the choice to abortion, taken away. Where is the hope of positive change forward for all, America?

I feel helpless, horrified as the world goes to a dark future. Signing petitions, and sending emails to my senators hasn’t helped. What can they do when every republican senator refuses to compromise at all? When Joe Manchin of West Virginia, and Kristen Cinema of Arizona play games, are misleading with their views. Come on Biden, get it done…

Can’t do anything else, so… Fuck it!

I’ve set my focus to what I can control. Use my time on changing the world for the better.

Therefore, when I saw an article in my local paper asking for content about mental health, to contribute to their series of articles about it, I jumped at the opportunity.

One idea immediately came to mind. The lack of diagnostic tools for adult autism. When I was first diagnosed on the spectrum in April 2020, right before my birthday and at the beginning of the pandemic, my therapist used a questionnaire designed for kids potentially with autism. And to my knowledge, nothing has changed. There are mental health questionnaires for people if all ages for depression, anxiety, and ADHD, but not autism.

I wrote an email to the designated email by my local newspaper, figuring that even if nothing happens, I have it a shot. I tried at speaking up for others like I did, struggling to know why. Because it was a clear problem that could be solved with some light shed in it.

I sent the email and…

My story pitch was ACCEPTED! Holy shit. I didn’t expect this to happen, so I’ve been shocked! I haven’t gotten the go ahead, or asked what would be acceptable to post publicly on a blog regarding the article, but it’s really happening! I’ve had a couple email threads with the reporter in charge of this article series, and she’s liked what I’ve sent so far! Which is an overview of what I plan to write about, my experience with autism and the mental health system, and an article outline. I have my first draft due on Sunday. I haven’t written any new content for that in 10 days. As Sunday approaches, I’ve become more anxious. Anxious and stressed because I get to write this, the two blog boosts I get to do, and be the man(ager) in charge today and tomorrow at work since my fellow leads are out of town.

All this happening because I made it happen. Dude… Yes. Keep moving forward.

Cover photo credit to my brother! He took this awesome lunar picture with our mutual friends telescope!

Side note, post script: I really need to improve the layout and presentation of the blog. I viewed the home page, and it needs work. I don’t feel it’s the best it could be. I need to learn why, and how to make the most of it.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please comment below or subscribe!

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022 ®

Shifting Winds

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Lake Washington at dusk, looking South. My Rainier in the distance.
Lake Washington at dusk, looking South. My Rainier in the distance.

Progress is Progress

Life lately has felt like being in a foggy blizzard. Piercing cold, hard to see around you, challenging to traverse, and slow trudging through knee-deep as snow. (Not that my sheltered ass knows what this is like… It just felt relevant. Such is creativity.)

Long Covid as a foggy blizzard

Since I last tested positive for covid, I haven’t fully healed. The worst has passed, and I’m grateful for that… But covid hangs on. Fatigue, brain fog, occasional dizziness, and shortness of breath rarely.

I suspected I had long covid, seeing as it’s been seven weeks. This explains why I’ve felt fatigued so quickly. Why was I briefly sick last week (a cold or food poisoning?)? Today I had it confirmed at a doctor’s appointment. Any symptoms after a month post-infection are considered long covid. It takes an average covid infected person like me three months to fully recover. All I can do is continue to focus on healing. I believe this is the longest I’ve been consistently mindful of daily. I’m slowly walking through the grief from getting covid, despite doing everything I could all through the pandemic, from the suffering of (likely) catching up at work. My past hard work of going to therapy and improving myself is paying off. A massive silver lining to surviving covid is that I’m not paranoid-terrified of covid anymore. It is still wary of social distancing and any place filled with people. I’m alive. While the pandemic isn’t over yet, hopefully, the worst is over here in the US.

One upside to this is that I stopped smoking weed while sick. I might have to stop because I physically feel worse after permanently. I do enjoy pot, but not the smoking aspect. I don’t enjoy being way too high. I certainly abused it in the past. It was and is helpful sometimes, but I don’t need it. So, a better compromise would be edibles. I can control the dose and responsibly enjoy it.

It’s frustrating that I likely caught covid from buying lunch for everyone my first week. Tight quarters with poor ventilation, lots of people in a small space with masks off… Even though everyone is vaccinated. Even though we distanced while eating, I’m lucky to be alive and fortunate that nobody else got infected. Shit… What a colossal mistake I made. Probably pandemic fatigue on my part, still… It’s my fault.)

The foggy blizzard of Long Covid will soon pass too. Not if I fight back. It doesn’t feel like it; we’re all frostbitten and weary. But this will give. Progress.

If you're serious about change, you have to go through uncomfortable situations. Stop trying to dodge the process. It's the only way to grow.

Here comes the New boss, same as the Old boss. 🎸🎶

I didn’t realize until today that I risked my life for my job. Why? Because they treat all of us well. As a lead, though, I have a different perspective. I’m grieving the loss of the old and processing the grief of failing. Oh, and figuring out my new job.

I failed as room lead, and it’s my fault. After three weeks (interrupted by having covid) and a month of training my coworker-replacement, I was moved into a new role at work. I’m still in management; now, I’m not overseeing employees much. It makes sense. People skills aren’t a strength of mine. Before I knew I was autistic, I assumed it was inexperience. That is part of it… It’s the recognizing emotions in myself and others that trips me up.

I did everything they asked. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, or another person is better suited for the role. This became a learning experience.

Rule with an iron fist, lead with a velvet glove.

Plusses–

  • Learned how to manage quality problems when a disaster happens before you touch the product, then how to get the most out of it.
  • Starting a new job where I’m learning on the fly, having to lead people as a manager when I was previously an employee,
  • Met the future production goals most of the weeks I was lead or co-lead under my watch.
  • I created a production tracking sheet.
  • I learned how to navigate relationships with other managers by practicing communication skills and how to receive feedback on my actions.

Minuses

  • Need to work on my communication skills.
  • I need to work on managing my emotions.
  • Understand the company “setting” before trying to change the “mindset.”

In short, my inexperience and weaknesses created this failure—this learning experience.

Gloved hand holding a bud of Guava Gelato cannabis.
Weed strain: Guava Gelato

The life long inner journey

It’s time to return to therapy.

I can’t ignore or procrastinate on being autistic any longer. I feel it became an obstacle in my previous position. I couldn’t learn about this the past few years due to the pandemic and the lack of social situations necessary to grow. Well, maybe there was a handful with all the zoom therapy groups I did. A time or two at the jobs I had. Nothing consistent. Because I couldn’t relax and be comfortable that I would be working after three months, I had the Neurotypical mask on. This is a psychological “mask” autistic people put on to blend in with nonautistic people.

Along with autism, I still have other issues to work through with a therapist. I needed time after work with my previous therapist to give myself a break after all we had accomplished together. And I needed time to iron out significant problems, such as finding consistent work. It’s time. I loathe navigating my health insurance plan for mental health coverage. So far, it’s useless and doesn’t cover shit. It’s all I can afford, and other programs aren’t better in this price range. Fucking greedy, selfish billionaires.

I’m the only one who can change myself. I’m responsible for myself, and nobody is going to stop me. I have to stop myself. I have to save myself.

5 things I learned from blogging in December 2020

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Coco on her princess throne.

Ugh…

So, I’m behind on the 31 posts I promised to deliver this month. I’m a couple posts behind as of today.

Why? A couple reasons. I haven’t felt creative because my life isn’t balanced right now. I’ve been stressed out because my unemployment ran out Saturday, and I only have one shift left at my current job.

Christmas usually fills a couple needs such as family connection, creativity, and expressing my love language of gift giving. Instead, covid shopping was stressful, Christmas turned into a family argument, and it felt like a lame birthday. Guess I’m burned out again.

Home doesn’t feel like home…

While this is the house I grew up in and lived all my life, it’s not home. Along with this, I haven’t left the country for 12 years. All because my combination of untreated depression, anxiety, ADHD, and autism controlled my life.

Maybe its because my residence feels like a solitary confinement cell. While I can leave the house, I’m tired of all the surroundings in walking distance. I haven’t wanted to live here for years, and have been burned out by Seattle for years.

Work/life Catch-22…

While I should be grateful that I have this treated now, it’s frustrating to be here in the pandemic. Can’t move out because I need a job for money over time. Limited in work I can do because of my health. Apply to work, but not hear back from employers, or am not chosen. Can’t get a job farther away because I don’t have my own car. Can’t buy a car because I need to live off my savings because I’m unemployed and don’t know how long this will last. Every job has hundreds to thousands of people applying.

Distanced Girlfriend…

I have an girlfriend, but it’s online only for now, essentially a long distance relationship due to the coronavirus risk. I’m paranoid she’s a catfish. Positive signs are that she hasn’t asked for things, she wants to meet up, the gift she promised was delivered, and the background research I’ve done has checked out. With this, I’ve prepared myself by researching how catfish scams work. On the positive side, I’ll get to experience all the wonderful things I’ve missed out on once we meet. She is my first girlfriend ever. Hopefully the last if things continue to go well! (I like to think I’ll be okay for whatever happens. There is no guarantee in love or life.)

The tie Xmas present from my lady!

I hate that catfishing is a thing…

The blog in 2021

On January 2, 2021 (This Saturday! Holy crap! 2020 is almost over!!!), I’ll be returning to posting once a week. I feel the quality of posts has declined lately, and with the pandemic not likely to end soon, it’s the best I can do. I need more time to refill the creative tank. Catching up with friends, family, and my lady over text doesn’t fill my needs for human connection much.

Writing every day has been fulfilling. Every person, and especially creative people need to be a part of the world. I’m no different. My tank is low and I need a refill. This goal was great because it forced me to push me to improving. To find my limits, and grow.

I didn’t think I would feel this need for social connections with people as a former hermit… As a person recovering from social anxiety. 2020 has been a strange year…

Song of the post:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Previous December blog marathon posts:

Irregular Update 04/08/20

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A bunch of Malarkey
Sourcehttps://www.flysparkchasers.com/hubfs/Malarkey.jpg

Irregular update:

I honestly didn’t know that last Friday was world Autism day. Or that April is autism awareness month. Guess it’s been around since 1970 (source). It’s amazing how much is going on in life. And you only notice because you choose to notice it. Because you become part of it.

There are no answers, only choices.” -Stanislaw Lem.

Politics

Now to blatantly ignore that logic and talk politics.

Bernie Sanders dropped out of the presidential race today. Ugh… I’m nauseous. Joe Biden can’t beat Trump. He doesn’t understand that he is the token white guy for Obama. At best one of those old assistant coaches in sports that finally gets the job after the head coach (Barack Obama) who won the championships moves on. He isn’t different enough from Trump. Biden is not 2008 Obama. Or his peak 2008 self. We need a once in a lifetime transformational figure who inspires hope in the future. That was Bernie Sanders. I just don’t understand why the rest of country didn’t like him. Maybe it’s more election interference with Russia. I sincerely hope that this country will recover from the destruction wrought by Republicans. How did Biden miss Obama’s biggest mistake? He is insane if he thinks Senate Republicans will listen to him. 45 (The current person in power; I refuse to refer to him by name, therefore acknowledging his existence.) will say or do anything to have attention to himself. He will never be accountable. The Democratic party learned nothing from 2016. Republicans want every bit of control for themselves. Republicans are winning the battles and wars, while the Democratic party acts too good to fight in the trenches. Everybody but the 1% loses.

This is the start of a post-future apocalypse movie. The 1% scour all the resources, then blast away in spaceships. The unworthy are slowly left to die in agony on a barren Earth. Joe Biden is the cliche president that dies in the disaster. Is later replaced by the archetype hero who takes over. The difference is there won’t be a happy ending. Us regular people are quarantined on Earth. Left to rebuild. To restart human civilization while the Earth recovers. This is a great sci-fi story premise, but a nightmare for our modern world… Rich in sources for survival and addiction. Or like Stan Lee’s cameo character turning into a marvel superhero. (Although, that premise would make a hilarious Mel Brooks superhero satire movie.)

Malarkey:

Hell, even the campaign slogan for 2020 Biden is awful. “No Malarkey.” I have trouble spelling this in the search bar!

Let’s break it down: 2008 Obama: Yes we can!

No (not in any degree or manner; not at all (used with a comparative): He is no better.) Malarkey (speech or writing designed to obscure, mislead, or impress; bunkum: The claims were just a lot of malarkey.)

Yes we can!: An affirmation for a group of people to have the power or means to do.

The problem isn’t unclear communication or purposefully misleading information. 45 just is that stupid. And doesn’t give a fuck what happens after. This campaign slogan alone tells me… Fuck No on this guy. He’s trying to hide something. 45 may only know himself, but he’s an expert in that. I guess Biden is an expert in bullshit. So the slogan is a referendum on 45 being Malarkey? That’s as absurd as me, a beginning blogger, expecting every post to go viral and have millions of dollars appear in my bank account like magic.

I want whatever weed he’s smoking. Probably a cross of the cannabis strains Obama Kush and Amnesia. I call it “Malarkey”  Negative Side effects include Anxiety, paranoia, dizziness, and nausea. The primary effect leaves you with conflicting feelings and wondering when this couch lock will be over. 

Hope is extinguished for Federal elections. The U.S. has serious structural problems at all levels and nobody seems to care to fix them. At least local elections actually change the future, such as my state governor Jay Inslee doing everything right to stop COVID-19. It’s too bad he dropped out so early in the run for president! Time to prepare… For the apocalypse.

I think this post is the most times I’ve ever used the word “Malarkey”. Regular update on Fridays.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Happy Birthday Reilly, you have Autism.

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Photo of a cake I made with my mother, that I brought to work in 2019 on my last birthday. Lately my life has felt like this cut up cake!
Photo of a cake I made with my mother, that I brought to work in 2019 on my last birthday. Lately my life has felt like this cut up cake!

Your birthday present? Being on the Autism Spectrum

    This wasn’t how I expected my 34th Birthday to go. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t expect much on my birthday. I usually have a dinner made by my mother served with homemade cake. (Such as the Yellow cake with chocolate frosting and a layer of raspberry jam shown above) At home with my mother, brother, and I. Nobody expects to be on the Autism Spectrum. To have another mental health problem! I discovered on Monday that I am on the autism spectrum. It was an official diagnosis from my therapist as something I requested. I have suspected that I have been on the spectrum for a couple years now. I did many online questionnaires, but those are really only a guide. Online tests for medical conditions border on pseudoscience.  I became suspicious when test after online test indicated that I was probably autistic. A pattern was emerging. I’m not sure if this is a birthday gift or not. A gift is unconditional. You do not give a gift expecting something in return. Because that is manipulation. I learned this the hard way by losing a relationship. I regret my actions. I will never do that ever again. 

A health issue such as Autism is all conditions. Let’s get one thing clear. This is something people are born with. You don’t get it from a fucking vaccine! Any discussion in the comments saying otherwise will be deleted, and not tolerated.

 I’ve always felt there was something different about me. Like I never really fit in. Especially in socializing. I tried to get checked a couple years ago with a previous therapist, but the only way was to go to a specialist for children. That there was no (and still isn’t!) official tests for adults on the autism spectrum. I didn’t pursue it because it felt like a dead end. I had and still have issues to work on in therapy. On my Monday appointment, When my therapist read me through the DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/practice/dsm , 04/03/20) test, many of the traits described me. (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/signs.html, 04/01/20) The diagnosis would explain why I had to learn proper eye contact. Why I, have so much trouble without structure and routines. The biggest hurdle with Autism is that there is little research and help for people who have it as adults. Even in the DSM-5, the questions are aimed toward diagnosing kids. Even the CDC website is written with this bias.

“Diagnosing ASD can be difficult since there is no medical test, like a blood test, to diagnose the disorders. Doctors look at the child’s behavior and development to make a diagnosis. ASD can sometimes be detected at 18 months or younger. By age 2, a diagnosis by an experienced professional can be considered very reliable.1 However, many children do not receive a final diagnosis until much older. This delay means that children with ASD might not get the early help they need.” (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/facts.html, 04/01/20) Science and research is lagging for Autism studies in adults. 

My diagnosis would explain why: 

  • I can so easily remember punchlines from Chappelle show, Futurama, and South Park. (Though watching these and other favorite shows during my Agoraphobic years to cope is another explanation.)
  • I can do repetitive tasks so easily, and why they are soothing. 
  • I’ve struggled so much in dating. I’ve never felt ready, and the few times I’ve tried I’ve left ashamed, frustrated, and disappointed. I feel like an outsider two times removed as everyone else does it.
  • It takes me a long time to be comfortable with people. 
  • I struggle talking about my feelings. I overshare, and have trouble navigating conversational vulnerability. 
  • Explains why I have intense phases of interests. Then lose interest after I become like an expert.
  • Why I get worked up in conversations and get a massive rush of energy. Then I need to calm myself down with slow deep breaths. A trait of AD/HD, and a symptom of Autism. 
  • My affinity with animals.
  • Super short attention span. As I write this, I have 7 tabs open in Firefox.  On my phone, I have 14 tabs open, and typically have 12+ always open at a given time. Firefox has so many bookmarks that I have them organized into folders. The contents of two folders which have enough bookmarks to fill my computer monitor to the edges on the vertical axis. 

And so on. I don’t want this post to be more list than content. There’s enough listicles already. Nobody likes being kicked in the listicles by surprise.  I have a feeling my actions in the past due to my undiagnosed autism has hurt those that know me. If I haven’t apologized properly, I am sorry. Now that I know what the problem with myself is, I’m able to work on it. Yes, feeling good enough is  healthy to think about yourself. I go by this Louis C.K Quote as a mantra: “When you hurt somebody, you don’t get to decide how they feel.” (https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7328323-when-a-person-tells-you-that-you-hurt-them-you 04/03/20) Edit: Correction, I misquoted Louis C.K., it is: “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

   Which means: accept your actions which led to hurting another person, apologize for your actions, and show you mean to change by adjusting your behavior in the future. Most important is to not argue about it. 

Song of the post:

Shout out to Louis C.K. : https://louisck.com/

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.