Category Archives: Blog

Blog Goal for 2023: Exceed 2,477 views!

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Screenshot of the stats page from the WordPress app.

What is 2,477?

That is the all-time most views for the blog, which happened in 2020. I was close to topping it last year in 2022 but fell short at 2,254 views.

Screenshot of the stats page from the WordPress app

My blogging goal for 2023 is to exceed these numbers. The plan (the CRAZY plan) so far to meet this goal is to post twice a week, or 104 posts in the year. This was 26 more posts than in 2020, when I wrote 78, and more seats than in 2021 and 2022. One thing to note about the 2020 stats is that I posted 28 times with a total of 841 views because I wanted to. I will not repeat that because I worked part-time then, and this was before I had Long Covid.

Ah… I regret making this decision to post twice a week… That’s a total of 104 posts in a year.

My goal for 2023 is to exceed 2,477 views.

For new bloggers, it is wise to ignore the views each post gets and the overall views your page receives. This is because it is more important to focus on discovering and polishing your writing routine, discovering how many posts you can publish that are high quality and stand out from other blogs, mastering the art of writing and blog writing, learning about and increasing mastery of SEO, and patience because it takes time to build an audience. Of course, if your blogging goal is to use it as a journal or post whatever for whomever, this doesn’t apply. That is okay too.

I’m the type of person that likes stats and feedback. Math is not a strength, and I was all right at it in school. I like stats and analytics because of the book Moneyball by author Michael Lewis. I got into this book right when the Seattle Mariners baseball team was a few years into its playoff slump, and this book led me to Sabermetrics which Bill James pioneered before Oakland A’s General Manager Billy Beane was introduced to the concept to become a successful baseball team with a small budget.

(The movie adaptation is solid and I would recommend watching it. If you are interested, I would recommend reading the book and watching the movie, as both are excellent for their formats.)

When I started blogging a couple of years ago, I naturally started the same process of figuring out how to be successful with the information I had available to me with the resources I had at the time, which weren’t much. I was at rock bottom emotionally, recently laid off, and barely hanging on with unemployment, the pandemic started, and everything shut down. I didn’t feel safe seeing friends or family. While I was living with my mother, she had her own struggles then to face, so I had to learn to support myself and learn how to heal on my own at the darkest time in my life.

Thankfully I gave therapy one more shot and was assigned an excellent therapist who was part of a wonderful mental health organization called Sound Mental Health.

For me, blogging is multiple things. I use it to track my life, journal publically, grow as a writer, and challenge myself. It is a way to hold myself accountable and prove that I can do better and deserve better. I like blogging because it’s a perpetual goal to write. Being an excellent writer is one part of it. In this world, to stand out, you have to acquire skills in multiple areas. If I want to be an author, showrunner, or professional writer, I need to view writing and my brand as a small business.

Naturally, as I change, I want the blog to change and grow. Therefore, I like the traffic to my blog posts to increase and the blog traffic to grow.

Blogging and this website are something that I have complete autonomy over. Its success or lack of it is tied to how much time and effort I put into it.

Blogging/writing makes me feel alive.

I feel I best express myself through writing. I think it’s the one way I can impact the world.

Blogging feels better than being an anonymous message board person. People read and react to your comments, but it’s not the same as coming up with an idea for a long piece, writing it, editing it, and posting it online for everyone worldwide to see. It feels good when people follow you and connect with what you wrote. It feels good to build something that is yours.

At times it makes me crazy because I’m pressed for time. I need to write before work because I’ll be too exhausted to write after work. Bloggers need day jobs like most creative people. Sometimes I do have the energy and clarity of mind, but… I have no idea what to write. And the only way to get it done is to grind the post out one word at a time until you discover inspiration.

Quote: By replacing fear of the unknown with curiosity we open ourselves up to an infinite stream of possibility. We can let fear rule our lives or we can become childlike with curiosity, pushing our boundaries, leaping out of our comfort zones, and accepting what life puts before us. Alan Watts
Source

No more excuses, Reilly

One day the pandemic will end, and I won’t have to be afraid of catching a deadly strain of covid. Maybe this will be in a year from now. Once China recovers from this current covid wave, the world will feel safe. There is the threat of the XBB strain here in the US, but thankfully I live in a city and state with a high vaccination rate. As long as I avoid packed places, continue to wear a mask, stay up to date with vaccine boosters, and avoid conservative political dominant areas of Washington state (because the vaccine rate is lower here and every other conservative dominant county of the US), I’ll be safe. All that and avoid socializing in big groups in winter in closed spaces. All I can do at this point is protect my health. Safety is different from excuses.

This year will be the one where I finally heal from trauma. Make this the year where you grow up. Make this the year you finally follow through on things you said you wanted.

3/104 posts done for 2023. As of the time of this post at 719am, 123 views have been achieved toward the year goal of 2477+.

Thank you for reading! I hope that you enjoyed this post! Have you set a goal for 2023? If so tell me what it is in the comments below!

If you want to follow the blog, please subscribe in the email bar below!

New Posts for 2023 will be on Mondays and Thursday mornings, before noon, Pacific Standard Time.

Dear Readers: due to a bug, this blog isn’t showing on the WordPress Reader…

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Oh wordpress bugs…

Thanks to Pooja of https://lifesfinewhine.ca/, a friend and long-time reader, it has come to my attention that there is currently a bug with this website not showing up on the reader section of WordPress. The blog is not showing up there or on the follower list. Until WordPress support contacts me or fixes the bug, could you please Subscribe through the email bar below to keep up to date with the blog?

Back to our regularly scheduled programming. New blog posts are on Monday and Thursday mornings, Pacific Standard Time.

New year, New domain!

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A green Olympia brand typewriter with a piece of paper that says "domain Search".
Photo by Markus Winkler on Pexels.com

Now announcing a new site address: Unknownreilly.com!

I felt it was time for a change, being the new year. This has been something that I have been considering for six months, but I was hoping that the old site address theunknownreilly.wordpress.com would do… However, my needs have changed.

Song of the post: You ain’t seen Nothing yet by Bachman-Turner Overdrive

It’s time for me to commit to a domain website instead of one hosted a subdomain under WordPress.

I’m doing this because I feel that I hit a wall with the old host. The free plan that I had was limited by design not to be the best website it could be. Therefore, I’m going up one step to the WordPress Personal Plan. Considering that this blog is still a hobby, unlikely to be my primary source of income, and I don’t want to blog full time as a job, the $80 per year is reasonable.

This plan is $48 a year before taxes, but I bought a domain name before buying the program without knowing WordPress requires a plan to change domain names. Que sera, sera.

Making a living blogging or writing, or the minimum wage is incredibly and statistically unrealistic. Making a living writing or in the arts is hard. I’m not against hard goals. If were to shoot for a difficult goal, it would be to become a showrunner or, to be a novelist who has their work adapted into an animated tv show or movie. (animated because I love anime and animated tv shows and movies.) Most creative people have a day job and create on the side like I do.

Maybe it’s time I start to consider working towards the goal above seriously. It’s been something that I have had to drop for years because I was living in survival mode and because I had to go through the slow process of healing my mental health. I digress.

This is an investment in myself. However I go forward, the first step is by improving this blog. The skills and time I’ve spent writing and learning about SEO and blogging will help me in all aspects of life moving forward.

It gets a little easier scene gif from Bojack Horseman.

More changes to come

I plan on making more changes such as a theme change for the front page, which is something that I’ve thought about doing for a couple months but wasn’t sure what I wanted, or what would better fit this type of blog. I’d prefer not to have to pay for this.

One thing that I would like to change is the posting schedule. In 2022 it was, frankly speaking, random. I wrote when I could, procrastination was part, and I had to focus on self-care because of my health. It was a busy year of change too, which required more rest. For now, I feel that the content schedule I would prefer to be Monday and Thursday.

Screenshot of 2022 total app use by me, tracked by Stay Free app. In 2022, I spent 2516 hours on my phone. An average of 6.9 hours a day.
This is my phone use data from the app, Stay Free. I’m not proud of this.

How can I achieve these changes?

The Screenshot above is of the 2022 total app use by me, tracked by Stay Free app. In 2022, I spent 2516 hours on my phone—an average of 6.9 hours daily. While a large chunk of this time is due to me watching videos on YouTube or movies on Amazon prime while working, a significant share is not. It’s time I could have used doing something else.

That being said, I could have written more or been more disciplined. I like to watch anime or animated tv shows after getting home from work, and pretty much watch tv shows or movies on the weekend… But it’s time for a change.

Experience from past failures has taught me that incremental progress and doing things imperfectly are how I grow. I get in my head too much and rationalize why not to do stuff instead of being okay with being “good enough.” I grow by doing.

The only way I can improve is by investing more time into it.

I have three planned posts coming up. First on how the blog performed, second on how my life was in 2022, and third, on the finale of the fantasy football series. I discovered that I like this type of analytic stuff last year.

I want this blog to grow and I want to grow as a writer. This is a step forward. Onto 2023! Onto Year three of blogging!

Trying Something New

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I’m trying a new approach to blogging

I’ve gotten into this groove with blogging and I haven’t had as much fun with it for a while. Recently I went and read posts from the past few months and noticed a pattern. What I’ve been posting has been serious and introspective. Which are good traits to have… It’s good to reflect on yourself and your life. It’s good to check in and ask how you are doing and get feedback from others. The problem is that I haven’t had as much fun with writing.

Which I do as both a person with autism and ADHD. I hyperfocus. I obsess about problems or things that become special interests, and I want to solve them and master them. I enjoyed writing that essay for the Seattle Times. The whole experience was great. That was a different kind of fun. What I want now is to creatively experiment.

Creative experiment

What I mean by a “creative experiment” is to try new things. Write about other topics than myself. I haven’t written fiction in a long time. I haven’t written recipe posts in a long time. I haven’t written much about issues I care about.

So, I’m going to mix in posts that take more time to write. So, I’m figuring out how to open more time to write. Because longer or different writing style posts take longer for me to complete than those about my life. I’ll still be doing those. I’m simply filling different unmet creative needs.

Misc thoughts

The process of writing the mental health essay made me realize how much I need to improve as a writer.

My biggest obstacle is time management, recognizing when I can write, and writing while working a full-time job. It’s hard to write when I’m so burnt out on the weekends and feel brain dead. It’s hard to not want to watch tv or browse online to relax.

It’s hard to write when I’m feeling wiped out due to Long Covid. I still have one or more days where I don’t want to go to work because of physical exhaustion and inflammation… Even though it’s a normal work day, and I haven’t done anything to feel tired. On those days, I typically crash when I get home.

So, I’ll have a new post tomorrow sometime. I’m writing this in my car as I clocked out 15 minutes ago. It’s not an ideal location to write as it’s hot.

So… Yeah.

Existential (Blog) Crisis

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Yin yang symbol encarved on a white sandy beach by the ocean

Okay, so it’s not a crisis per se. Thanks to SEO and how people respond to clickbait, this is the title.

On Existential and Crises

An accurate title would be Existential Blog transition. This title is a play on words for its everyday use in the human extinction climate crisis. AKA, climate change.

It annoys me that Existential is used for the global, human corporate capitalism-caused climate change crisis. Our extinction is in progress, and I’m fed up with being nice about it. Or allowing it to be downplayed by Corporate Democrats (The “bitch or ho” to Corporate Pimps) and straight-up money sluts, Republicans. This isn’t about gender. If you sell out for money, these terms are apt. Both are equally at fault. This is how you use the word “both sides” in the United States. Aka, Both sides of the Corporate coin.

Existentialism definition: a chiefly 20th century philosophical movement embracing diverse doctrines but centering on analysis of individual existence in an unfathomable universe and the plight of the individual who must assume ultimate responsibility for acts of free will without any certain knowledge of what is right or wrong or good or bad

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/existentialism

This section from Wikipedia describes the existential crisis American is in:

“Existential crises have various negative consequences, both on the personal level, such as anxiety and the formation of bad relationships, and the social level, such as a high divorce rate and decreased productivity. They may also have positive effects by pushing the affected to address the underlying issue and thereby develop as a person. Some questionnaires, such as the Purpose in Life Test, can be used to measure whether someone is currently undergoing an existential crisis. Because of the primarily negative consequences, it is important that existential crises are resolved. The most common approach is to help the affected find meaning in their life. This can happen through a leap of faith, in which the individual places their trust into a new system of meaning, or through a reasoned approach focusing on a careful and evidence-based evaluation of the sources of meaning. Some theorists recommend a nihilistic approach, in which the individual accepts that life is meaningless and tries to find the best way to cope with this fact. Other approaches include cognitive behavior therapy and the practice of social perspective-taking.

Outside psychology and psychotherapy, the term “existential crisis” is sometimes used to indicate that the existence of something is threatened.”

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existential_crisis?wprov=sfla1

I digress. I got a bit off-topic there and felt I had to rant about that before getting into this post. So, in summary, I was wrong about existential crises in this context. Yeah, climate change is an existential crisis in humanity’s existence.

I realize that this post isn’t SEO-friendly. Or I’m doing that thing in psychology where I’m I’m the one in an existential crisis. That was why I missed work earlier this week because of anxiety… I’m better; I have been doing better since then.

This is because life is going well… And I’m so used to it, not that I’m afraid even though I’m doing the right things.

Quote: That's the thing about healing; you heal into someone else. A completely new person, not even because you want to, but because of who you were, you could no longer survive. Let it go, and let a new you happen.
Gif quote: that's called a breakthrough.

The Existential Blog Crisis

I think it’s time. Time to give the blog an overhaul. I don’t feel that the current name satisfies any longer. I chose the unknown Reilly because when I started in March 2020, I was at rock bottom, and it felt like a novel. Because of the chaotic beginning of the pandemic, Because that was the most painful period of my life to date (Well, except for the summer of 2009. That’s another potential post.), the near future felt like an unknown. I felt like I didn’t know myself. America felt like (and more so today, I sure didn’t expect that.) an unknown. Life was a novel where I lived hour to hour, day to day.

No longer.

I don’t feel like I am, nor is life an unknown anymore. Of course, nobody knows the future. However, I feel comfortable moving forward because I know myself better 26 months later.

I un-un know now. (😅 Okay, okay enough with using the word unknown.)

So, I’m thinking of changing the name, the site design and layout, and the way of writing that reflects this. I feel that I’ve neglected these, and while I am frustrated that traffic and subscribers have stalled, the bottom line is that I can do better. I want to do the best I can because I like blogging. I want to do better because this makes me feel alive. I want to keep discovering. I want to fulfill the potential for greatness.

Im not giving up, and I haven’t run out of motivation. It feels fair to be the best you can be at something for its intrinsic value. I am doing it because I love to.

Gif quote: Kicking ass and taking names! That's how we do!

The problem is, that going back and fixing the (Holy shit) 136 posts would be expensive and time-consuming to correct to be SEO-friendly. I want to feel and see from the word press blog stats that the blog is developing. That’s fair after two years of posting. It’s frustrating to take the time to write what I feel is an excellent post, and few see it. Or it doesn’t add new subscribers. I need to figure out why.

I’ll find out slowly in my free time between working a full-time job and life. I wish I could afford to hire someone, but with 136 posts… That would be expensive. And… I do this as a hobby and don’t make money blogging. I’m not sure I want to blog or make money as a living blogging. I don’t want to repeat the mistake in the life of working a career I enjoy –I used to be a personal chef and worked in restaurants for years– then ended up resenting it or losing my passion because it became an obligation. So, I’ll proceed slowly. It’s tough to make a living writing or blogging… Like lottery odds. Anyway. Maybe in the future.

In conclusion, my current essential crisis moment is in the popular definition of the word… To find a new meaning based on the information I understand today. I’m aware of this and know what I need now. Whether to dive into it as a career or to be a writer of some kind as a living.

For now it’s an unknown.

Postscript.

I watched Iron Man 3 on Sunday, which has been a few years, and this speech Tony Stark gave at the movie’s end resonated with me. You can find it on YouTube if you search “Ironman 3 ending speech” since WordPress and YouTube are nitpicky about sharing. Spoilers…

Copyright Reilly Anderson 2022

Into The Unknown: Year 2

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Today is the one year anniversary of the blog!

I had a small mix up this week about the day I started this blog. I thought I started it on Thursday (Maybe I did create it, on the 25th… Then published the first post two days later). A quick check showed my error. Guess I am getting older 🤷. Lol.

Anyway…

It’s been one year since the first post! WooHoo! 🎉 🌟

Song of the post:

Boy, I really am in a slump. Even writing this short post was like pulling teeth…

100 Followers & Updates!

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Actual place in Washington state, Stop Semen Sock! 🤣
This is an actual place in Washington state…

100 followers!

Thank you everyone for following the blog! Thank you!

Post days for 2021:

After a grueling posting marathon in December, I’m returning to posting twice a week. Saturday and 1 day during the week which I haven’t decided yet. I need to do some research to decide the best day to blog other than Saturday. This will depend on the next job I get and it’s schedule.

This has been a hard week, with a good job ending on Monday, and I was broken up with. Naturally, I’m depressed and feel like shit today. I need to catch up on blogs I follow since I let that slide last month. I feel I’m still in the process of discovering of what to write about. I’m getting really fed up of the minimum wage lifestyle, so blogging for a living… With all of its work feels far better to do for work than being a wage slave. College is a possibility in the future, but I am not doing anything else online.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

I Hate advertising

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From the movie They Live. Source

On Advertising & Marketing

This week I was contacted through the blog email by two different SEO marketers. One I said “Not interested. Waste of money for the size of my blog. Don’t email me anymore.” I’ve known for a while that SEO optimization is a skill I’ll have to learn. I don’t want to pay for anything I can learn for free. If there is one aspect of the internet I absolutely hate, its ads or obnoxious popups on websites. So much so, I’ve used multiple ad blockers and extensions to avoid as much advertising as possible. Currently I use: Adblock, Ghostery, Popup blocker ultimate, and Ublock Origin as Addons in Firefox. On my desktop PC I filter out more ads with Spybot.

On top of this, I only watch tv shows or movies through services that don’t have ads. The only time I see traditional ads is when I watch Seahawks games. In that case, I mute the game and browse the on my phone until the game returns. Or on Youtube for unskippable ads, I change tabs, or laser focus on the countdown clock until I can watch the video.

What is SEO?:

“Search engine optimization (SEO) is the process of improving the quality and quantity of website traffic to a website or a web page from search engines.[1] SEO targets unpaid traffic (known as “natural” or “organic” results) rather than direct traffic or paid traffic. Unpaid traffic may originate from different kinds of searches, including image search, video search, academic search,[2] news search, and industry-specific vertical search engines.

As an Internet marketing strategy, SEO considers how search engines work, the computer-programmed algorithms that dictate search engine behavior, what people search for, the actual search terms or keywords typed into search engines, and which search engines are preferred by their targeted audience. SEO is performed because a website will receive more visitors from a search engine when websites rank higher on the search engine results page (SERP). These visitors can then potentially be converted into customers.[3]” Source

Small blog problems…

On one hand, this blog is tiny and not worth spending money on. On the other, for it to grow I had to play the game and learn this stuff. I enjoy the creative aspect of blogging, not the business aspect. Whenever I read how to do this stuff, my eyes glaze over, or I stop reading about it. I don’t enjoy social media advertising, and I only am consistent posting on the blog facebook page. I already have an addict relationship with Reddit, a social media platform. So I’m wary of spending any more time online. I worried that I will become addicted to other social media websites.

Nothing kills my interest faster in blogging when I go and read how to grow your blog posts, and met with SEO or social media adverting. It feels like a waste of time to invest years of effort and work into blogging for essentially a small business. I don’t want to start a business of any kind. Because that is a gamble. As the saying goes…. More money more problems. I don’t want to ruin my writing hobby by doing it for work.

Modern life is advertising

Along with this, I don’t enjoy the marketing aspect of work or dating. the thing I struggle with most in seeking work is writing cover letters. Not because I don’t know how to do it, but because its dishonest. Writing cover letters for entry level work feels so forced and phony. No I am not passionate about your company or workplace. I don’t know anything about how it actually operates on a daily basis or the work culture. I have to make a decision based on biased information that the company presents. I don’t want to network, I don’t have a linkedin nor do I want one. My ideal job is one that I forget exists when I leave the workplace.

So I and everyone else put up with browsing job ads, sell yourself through your cover letter, and sell yourself in the interview. Every interview is essentially a blind date.

Dating is advertising

Though I am dating someone now, I hate dating. My entire life I wanted to skip this step to the relationship part. I never actually wanted to do the process of dating. I don’t enjoy meeting new people. I’m an introvert, and I don’t need many friends. Dating is advertising. Once you get into a relationship it’s work. At it’s most basic form, you choose your partner every day. You choose to continue communication and resolve issues that come up. You choose to do stuff together to maintain the relationship. It’s supposed to be a bonus to two independent individuals who take care of themselves. In the best situation, this isn’t hard to do because both people understand each other and communicate on the same level. In bad relationships this doesn’t happen because of incompatibility, one party isn’t willing to grow, or its an abusive relationship.

I like being by myself and enjoy solitude. I’m very independent.

More on my thoughts about searching for entry level work here. (Irony in action… By pimping my own work.)

Song of the post:

Read more

Adjusting Boundaries Outside-In ☯️

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The chicken coop boundaries.

Boundaries:

Examples of how to set boundaries: http://www.recoveryeducationnetwork.org/uploads/9/6/6/3/96633012/boundary_setting_tips__1_.pdf

“What is a boundary?

A boundary is an invisible line you draw around yourself to identify what is acceptable behavior, and what is unacceptable behavior. The beauty of boundaries is that they are fluid and ever-evolving; for example, looser limits around extending yourself to others is easier when you’re younger and childless. As you age and gain insight, you’ll get a quicker read on energy vampires and narcissists.

Some people love boundaries because they represent structure, order, and rules. Others see limits as an unyielding set of laws where there are no gray areas, only black and white. A critical part of a healthy psyche is deciding on the right tension for your life. Psychological distress results from overly rigid or overly loose limits.“

From psychologytoday.com Source

External boundaries:

My first relationship with my girlfriend is going well.

Due to the coronavirus pandemic, it’s a long distance relationship.

I’m waiting for her response to my last text. I communicated my needs to her.

I need communication, clarity, and feedback for a healthy relationship.

So far, so good. We’ve accepted each other’s boundaries so far. I hope this goes well.

After this, time to setup a distance with mask date!

Online interaction only goes so far… And I need in person quality time.

Trust but verify.

Trust yourself.

Believe in the best.

Be yourself.

You got this.

I don’t want a long distance relationship.

I wonder that I’m a fool in love? Guess that’s what people mean when they say being in love makes you crazy.

I rather not wait until we get the covid vaccine. Is this too fast for a new relationship? Like, you want to see each other at least once a week right? Ah the joys of exploring a new love while getting to know each other.

Damn you Covid-19… I finally meet my first girlfriend and it’s not safe to visit.

It’s the right thing to do- to stay at home- but, man this is torture. I’m tired of being patient.

I hope I’m not clingy.

I hope I’m not oversharing…

Learning on the fly.

Internal Boundaries

Today I went back and edited a couple months of blog posts. I’ve been really bad about editing posts lately. A combination of little details such as adding a separation bar for clarity, adding the end slate with an email subscriber box, section headers to help search results, and adding tags/categories.

I’m finding my writers legs. It’s a tough balance. If I want to continue growing as a writer, and as a blogger, the next step to growth is to improve my revision and editing skills. Writing is rewriting. I can’t achieve goals without being aware of the quality of work I’ve done. These days I have all the time in the world. I feel like I’m trapped in a pandemic hamster wheel.

I feel ashamed of how lazy I’ve been. My days are turning into: wake up around 9am, shower, dress, eat, sit down at my PC and be on the computer/phone all day. Weekdays I’m limited to about 4 hours for seeking work. There’s only so many job openings and cover letters I can send before I run out. One day a week, I’ve had further job help with a job councilor through Sound Mental Health, where I get help for my issues. The rest of the day is a mix of watching futurama or forensic files for the 6th time because it’s soothing. My other activities are on the computer too, either relationship videos on YouTube, or audiobooks on Audible. It’s been this way for months. I wish I could go to places for activities. I exercise better with people in classes or sports.

Ugh, I hate being bored, but too exhausted from the pandemic blues to better myself.

I need to make a small adjustment to my daily routine.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

I don’t know what to write

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I don't know what to write... I am burned out and depressed.
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

I have had a hard time writing anything for a while. Maybe the creative tank is finally empty. I don’t even know my reason for writing anymore. I’ve considered quitting because blogging has felt like work, and lost it’s fun.

I don’t want to want things. To have to rely on anyone.

I’ve been late two posts in a row, and I feel ashamed of myself for not following through on it. I failed myself and the readers.

In short, Im not confident. I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t want a career. And as a man at 34, if you don’t have a career or steady income… Forget dating. I don’t even know what a good date feels like. Never had a girlfriend or a third date. In addition to that, I’m a 34 year old virgin. I’m still one because I don’t want to lose it to a prostitute, or a one night stand. I want it to happen in a committed relationship. I don’t talk about this because I’m completely ashamed of this.

I feel trapped. I’m tired of struggling for so long with my mental health problems while life passes by… As I struggle to survive. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m tired of being immature. Not being able to trust people doesn’t help.

Life feels like an endless slog, then we die.

I’m so tired of working on myself.

I like the idea, the fantasy of things than the reality. Life feels like far too much work, and I don’t know what it feels like to be successful. I don’t need much. In our capitalist world, nobody is ever enough.

It feels like it’s too late for me.

What’s the point?

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