Lessons from my first girlfriend at 34. (2022 Remaster)
First romantic relationship at age 34..
She probably views me as a scrub. Scrub from the TLC song of the same name. No job, unemployed, relationship novice, doesn’t have shit together, Smokes pot.
For those blog readers reading this post for the first time, because I linked it in a post from November 2022, this post is from January 30th, 2021. It is a reflection of the person I was at that time. The good, the bad, the cringe, the hurt, the past version of me. Remastered, edited, tweaked for SEO.
Without ado, here is the remastered 2022 version of: First romantic relationship at age 34..
No scrubs by TLC
The truth is we were incompatible. She wanted something completely different from me. She wanted me to buy stuff, and I wasn’t comfortable with that. I do not wish for a text-only relationship. I don’t want a long-distance relationship.
She was an ambitious, driven businesswoman from Hong Kong who wanted to travel and be rich. Retire early. A day trader who trades gold stocks. A literal fucking Gold digger.
(11/06/2022 edit: I originally had Gold Digger by Kanye West. While he was controversial then, since then I can not ethically support him in any way, so I’m changing the song in this post to Respect by Aretha Franklin. In an ironic twist, Kanye has become an Attention Digger)
Respect by Aretha Franklin
Maybe it went too hot, too fast.
I gave into the fantasy of the relationship. I was desperate to finally have a girlfriend. And it was happening. It was too good to be true.
Too good too be true
Once again, I saw what I wanted to see. I overlooked problems because I wanted to have a girlfriend no matter what. She was my first girlfriend ever, at age 34. I bought into the fantasy because I’ve been so deprived of romance. Which is ultimately my fault. I fucked up in so many ways.
I felt I was ready to date back in November. After this breakup, I’m not sure I actually was. Or am. I’m so tired of never feeling good enough to date. I feel like I have to be perfect to date anyone. At the same time, I don’t want to do all the required work. Dating and relationships work. All I’ve known is pain. I don’t see the benefit of dating. I don’t want to constantly improve. I don’t want to settle, either. I feel that means that I’ll never be enough as I am.
Dating hasn’t been fun.
Since men have to do all the work to obtain a relationship, Men in western cultures generally have to take the lead in relationships. Sometimes it’s a lonely and draining experience when you have to do more work. My dating life is over. (CRINGE) I wish that I would be at peace with never dating again. I’m okay being single… But for the rest of my life? Not until I at least have one good long-term romance. Then I could say I tried and gave up. I’m not entitled to a relationship. I don’t feel it’s worth the time, energy, money, or effort. I don’t feel life is worth the time, energy, money, or action. I never wanted to date, to begin with. It feels like an unpaid internship where you’re constantly led on by the promise of more like a carrot on a stick. But that job offer never happens.
I feel this is impossible because of my mental illness. I resent my sexual and romantic needs. It feels like a curse. Life would be so much easier without them. The worst part of all this is that my insecurities were again correct.
I just want to be. Then again, I’m pretty stupid with this stuff.
All I know is I deserve better than that relationship. I learned that I’m not afraid of commitment; I’m so scared of wasting my time. Once again…
What is love? by Haddaway.
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