Monthly Archives: January 2021

Lessons from my first girlfriend at 34. (2022 Remaster)

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Picture of a half broken, half shattered windows of glass in an RV.

First romantic relationship at age 34..

Warning: complaining/venting.

She probably views me as a scrub. Scrub from the TLC song of the same name. No job, unemployed, relationship novice, doesn’t have shit together, Smokes pot.

For those blog readers reading this post for the first time, because I linked it in a post from November 2022, this post is from January 30th, 2021. It is a reflection of the person I was at that time. The good, the bad, the cringe, the hurt, the past version of me. Remastered, edited, tweaked for SEO.

Without ado, here is the remastered 2022 version of: First romantic relationship at age 34..

No scrubs by TLC

The truth is we were incompatible. She wanted something completely different from me. She wanted me to buy stuff, and I wasn’t comfortable with that. I do not wish for a text-only relationship. I don’t want a long-distance relationship.

She was an ambitious, driven businesswoman from Hong Kong who wanted to travel and be rich. Retire early. A day trader who trades gold stocks. A literal fucking Gold digger.

(11/06/2022 edit: I originally had Gold Digger by Kanye West. While he was controversial then, since then I can not ethically support him in any way, so I’m changing the song in this post to Respect by Aretha Franklin. In an ironic twist, Kanye has become an Attention Digger)

Respect by Aretha Franklin

Maybe it went too hot, too fast.

I gave into the fantasy of the relationship. I was desperate to finally have a girlfriend. And it was happening. It was too good to be true.

Relationships don't end because two people did something wrong to each other- They end because two people are something wrong for each other. Mark Manson
Credit: Mark Manson.

Too good too be true

Once again, I saw what I wanted to see. I overlooked problems because I wanted to have a girlfriend no matter what. She was my first girlfriend ever, at age 34. I bought into the fantasy because I’ve been so deprived of romance. Which is ultimately my fault. I fucked up in so many ways.

I felt I was ready to date back in November. After this breakup, I’m not sure I actually was. Or am. I’m so tired of never feeling good enough to date. I feel like I have to be perfect to date anyone. At the same time, I don’t want to do all the required work. Dating and relationships work. All I’ve known is pain. I don’t see the benefit of dating. I don’t want to constantly improve. I don’t want to settle, either. I feel that means that I’ll never be enough as I am.

Dating hasn’t been fun. Since men have to do all the work to obtain a relationship, Men in western cultures generally have to take the lead in relationships. Sometimes it’s a lonely and draining experience when you have to do more work. My dating life is over. (CRINGE) I wish that I would be at peace with never dating again. I’m okay being single… But for the rest of my life? Not until I at least have one good long-term romance. Then I could say I tried and gave up. I’m not entitled to a relationship. I don’t feel it’s worth the time, energy, money, or effort. I don’t feel life is worth the time, energy, money, or action. I never wanted to date, to begin with. It feels like an unpaid internship where you’re constantly led on by the promise of more like a carrot on a stick. But that job offer never happens.

I feel this is impossible because of my mental illness. I resent my sexual and romantic needs. It feels like a curse. Life would be so much easier without them. The worst part of all this is that my insecurities were again correct.

I just want to be. Then again, I’m pretty stupid with this stuff.

All I know is I deserve better than that relationship. I learned that I’m not afraid of commitment; I’m so scared of wasting my time. Once again…

What is love? by Haddaway.

Thank you for reading this; if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!


Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

I feel like shit today.

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Picture of a tree on a horizon with a purple and magenta sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A shit-storm of pain

I feel like shit today… I’m heartbroken since I was dumped. That relationship didn’t last 2 months, but I felt we connected. The bottom line is that we were incompatible. I don’t have my shit together. I’m unemployed again, live with my Mother as an adult, have no idea what to do with my life, and I feel like a barely functional human being. Heartbroken, laid off, depressed, hopeless. With this heartbreak, I feel like I’m reliving all of my previous mistakes in life alone with it. Great. I feel absolutely useless and worthless.

Song of the post: Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good

I feel like all I can do to cope is to wallow in my despair by binge-streaming the anime Naruto (like the 5th time I’ve watched from the start) and Futurama for the two dozenth time.

Of course, I can’t do any of the usual suggested things such as hanging out with friends or family, meeting people, or doing activities because of Covid. Getting serious, deja vu, writing that. Online socializing and activities aren’t the same.

I forgot that I had Facebook dating on and had a notification for a match. I feel bad because I liked it back, but a day later, I feel guilty. That lady seems like a lovely person and is attractive, but I can’t. I’m nowhere close to being ready to date again. The thought of it made my heartbreak worse, and I felt nauseous. I couldn’t turn on the pause option quick enough. I barely feel emotionally available for myself right now.

I’m so unhappy with my life. I tell myself, “I’m enough,” but it feels hollow. It doesn’t feel like enough to simply be alive as an adult.

Today, all I feel I can do is exist.

Post-election recovery, day 3.

I have grief and shit to work through because of the previous president. Omg, it’s such a relief to have a competent government. I can finally relax because the election has passed and Joe Biden/Kamala Harris is in charge, actually working. The problems are still there; they have to rebuild entire agencies from scratch, but they’re doing it. Fucking A, I’ve been holding onto this stress since October 2020. I think, realistically, the first 100 days will be recovery for America. I simply haven’t had the energy to celebrate this welcome change. This shit has been exhausting.

Thank you for reading this; if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share it on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Inauguration day 2021: A breath of fresh air

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Flags in honor of those lost to covid during the inauguration of president Joe Biden. Stephanie Keith/Getty Images
Source: Stephanie Keith/Getty Images

Finally, change has arrived.

I woke up this morning just in time to see the headline that Trump has left the Whitehouse. His term as president is finally over. I could relax just a little as his plane took off.

I dunno about anyone else, but I let out an exasperated exhale. Good riddance. Soon he’ll be held accountable in DC, but that can wait. Today we can breathe again.

I could breathe again after 4 years of bracing myself every day from Trump’s bullshit.

Not going to miss this feeling

Relief

I can relax and breathe easy as Kamala Harris is sworn in as VP. There was no time to celebrate after the election as Trump there a fit every step along the way as the biggest sore loser in American history. No more.

We’ve made it. It’s safe. Kamala Harris, is Vice president of the United States of America. The first woman, the first black woman, and first Asian woman to be VP in history. She’s got the experience and skills to get the job done. I had to remind myself today that she is all these firsts, and this was really happening. I’m still in PTSD shock because of the president-eject.

I can breathe easy now that Joe Biden is President of the United States of America. He’s been here before as VP, and many years as a Senator.

The election didn’t feel real until all the mail in ballots were counted.

It didn’t feel real after all the recounts in swing states and certification of the votes by electors.

It didn’t feel real because Trump never acknowledged reality.

It didn’t feel real when his supporters threatened violence.

It didn’t feel real when they went and raided the capitol during the count of electoral votes by the senate.

It didn’t feel real or safe as the inauguration was locked down and had a heavy police and military presence in case of violence.

After these past 4 years, it felt like anything bad could happen.

It only felt real, and final, today when both Biden and Harris were sworn in. It was actually nice not to have Trump there at the inauguration. It would have been like a bad ex showing up to a wedding. Thank goodness for this new day, this new administration.

Biden signs three documents after his inauguration ceremony: his inauguration day proclamation, his nominations for the Cabinet, and his nominations for sub-Cabinet positions.Jim Lo Scalzo/Pool/AP
Biden signs three documents after his inauguration ceremony: his inauguration day proclamation, his nominations for the Cabinet, and his nominations for sub-Cabinet positions.Jim Lo Scalzo/Pool/AP Source

Despite this mask, I can breathe

It’s not going to be easy. America is in its deepest hole yet. The threat of racial injustice is burning hot. Climate change rages. The pandemic takes our breathe away… Literal and figurative as feelings override fact. Never have we been so divided. No it will not forgive or forget those that attacked our nation, and egged on by the president-eject. Justice is on the way. Equality has taken steps forward after being kneecapped by white privilege. By enemies domestic. Terrorists. For now, we can breathe. We can put down the news and live our lives instead of worrying about the news. So much needs to be done, and its on the way. Change is here.

If there is two things I have learned the past year, it’s one day at a time, and celebrate the little things.

Biden, Harris and their spouses leave the US Capitol after the inauguration ceremony.Sarah Silbiger for CNN
Biden, Harris and their spouses leave the US Capitol after the inauguration ceremony.Sarah Silbiger for CNN Source

For now, we can breathe. For now we can rest from this awful hangover caused by the last 4 years.

I’m pretty pessimistic that republicans will actually work with Biden. Not with how they acted after Obama was elected and they abandoned him right away. Not after all their awful enabling behavior the past 4 years with the President-Eject. Guess we will see what happens next. For now, I am completely exhausted from the last administration, and haven’t had time to heal until the President-Eject’s twitter account was banned.

Starting tomorrow, I’m taking a break from the news. I also need to take a break from being on the pc and phone. I’ve been on both far too much since October and I am worried that I am addicted to them again. I was planning on taking this break after the election, but since it dragged out, I didn’t feel safe not to be up to date to stop. I finally feel like I can without the threat of Trump causing destruction.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Burnout 2021

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Cloudy forest road.

I am spent. Totally wiped out. Numb. Again. It’s merely Sunday in the pandemic.

None of the usual stuff is giving joy.

I’m tired of suffering. Tired of being depressed. Tired of the pandemic. The loneliness is killing me.

It’s frustrating living with mom. 1 year of a pandemic is enough. I desperately need to move out. We are just too different people to be living together. But, I can’t move out to an apartment because I don’t have a job or steady income.

It feels like I’m not suited for the work available right now. I can’t do variable schedule, customer service, or fast paced work because of my autism needs. I don’t like using this as a crutch.

Tired of daily, new PTSD from reading the news. Enough with the historical events.

That isn’t to say that Trump or his enabler Republicans shouldn’t be held accountable. They do. Treason/Sedition must be brought to justice. Our democracy and country is more important than any individual or political party.

Can’t even get a breath of fresh air by going outside or into the world. Shielded for safety behind a facemask. Going grocery shopping gave me a mild anxiety attack in the store. It’s like everyone doesn’t care that over 400,000 + have died from covid. Barely any distancing, business as usual at Safeway.

I’m not sure which is more dangerous right now: never leaving the house and being isolated, or getting covid. Therapy, medication, and self care only help so much in this difficult world. Yet, the worst of the pandemic is yet to come.

I need to get a car, so I have some agency. So I can get out of this area any day of the week. But then I’d have to choose between savings or a car. And unemployment is almost done.

I’m tired of this prison I’m in. I committed no crime, yet I feel punished for doing the right thing and staying home. I want to see friends. I want a life. I’m tired of no job = no life.

Heartbroken.

I feel like I’m about to fall apart and shatter. Damnit.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!



Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Unplugged

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Lights out, Disconnected:

Around midnight, in the storm, blackout.

Blown away in the wind.

Only without electricity do I realize how I’m addicted to power.

Can’t cook, can’t read, can’t check the news, can’t escape via a screen, can’t connect with others.

I’m not completely sober from it today. My phone has power: 67%, I’m powerless to it.

My life is completely online. I live through screens.

An hour in, I feel withdrawal from not having my fixes– the internet, watch a video, read an article, check Facebook, read blog posts, write a blog post.

I’ll have to miss therapy today because it’s online or phone. No connection for either. It took 2 hours to send 1 text message, and 1 email.

An hour in, I consider taking my sleep meds and going back to sleep.

Holy crap is this really how I want my life to be?

Addicted to screens, sitting in a corner like a zombie as life passes by outside?

Internet addict:

I am the problem. My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict.

Only by being unplugged does this stick.

I’m so desperate for a powered on screen that I look to the digital thermometer for stimulus. I look to the clocks for a fix. No good.

This prison is of my own making. I choose every day to be it’s victim. The internet addiction demon is in control.

My worst nightmare has come true… I’m an addict just like dad. Like my late addict Aunt. The internet is my demon.

One big difference is that you’ve been committed to therapy. That’s a big deal, Rei.

Working on changing counts.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Stop being brutal to yourself. You can be honest and kind to yourself.

Time for change.

My inner connection is blinking orange.

I need a reset. I need to unplug, be offline for 30 days, and replug.

It’s been 5 hours… How much longer do I have to cope without my power fix?

Like all the powered devices around the house, I’m off.

Won’t somebody plug me back in? I can’t do it myself.

The power returns as the sun sets and darkness falls… Back into my hole I willfully go. I need some help.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being depressed…

Power on, brain off.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

2021 Insurrection.

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Yeah... it definitely captures both sides. The moment I saw the flag I knew i had to snap a photo of it. -- InhaleMC, Reddit user. The American flag, divided apart, blowing in the wind.
Shared with permission. Credit: https://instagram.com/doseofjean . From Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/ksg27a/i_took_this_photo_four_months_ago_i_think_now_is/

01/06/2021: Sedition Wednesday.

On a date that should’ve ended in joy as Democrats Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff won the senate election in Georgia. It feels like a miracle… The state of Georgia turned blue after decades of being a deep red Republican state.

But that was ruined when the Trump protesters turned into a riot. The election results certification for POTUS Joe Biden was interrupted by a domestic terror attack. An attempted Coup trying to keep Trump as president.

It didn’t matter that Vice president Pence was there. Doing his job as Vice president presiding over the election certification as electoral college votes were tallied. It didn’t matter that fellow republican party supporters were there. Trump and his supporters would do anything to stay in power. Even if it would mean treason.

It feels fucking strange to mention or give credit to Mike Pence of all people after these hellish four years of Trump. After all the illegal criminal shit Trump has done, Pence supported him every step in the way. I still don’t like him, and hate his politics, but props for following the constitution. He believes in this democracy and this country. It feels weird to feel patriotic for my country as a liberal. I’m absolutely horrified at the violence, livid that this terrorist attack happened with little resistance by police. A protest follows the laws. It’s not a protest when you force your way into a closed building. It’s not a protest when you go in with weapons and tactical armor. When you carry in the flags of enemies of America, it’s not a protest.

Helpful reminders to keep in mind:

A post from reddit, adapted from Arrested Development that sums up the insurrection:

“Bro….

Getting caught up in a moment is making an off-color joke in front of your boss at a Christmas party…

Getting caught up in a moment is laughing at a fart noise without realizing that your wife is on speaker phone with her parents.

Getting caught up in a moment is forgetting to say thank you for a gift because you were distracted by how hideous the sweater is.

Getting caught up in a moment is being caught staring at someone attractive for a second when your gf/bf notices.

“Caught up in a moment” is for minor faux paus and small infractions of behavior and decorum.

Wearing tactical gear, helmets, gas masks, taping cellphones to your chest… planning for months to attend an “overturn the election (Democracy)” rally… buying airplane tickets, renting a car, getting a hotel room, meeting up with your co-conspirators, marching en masse to the capitol building, climbing over and through barricades, smashing windows, doors, fences, battering, crushing, and murdering police as they scream for help that never came, shoving past them screaming for blood and chanting horrific slogans, calling the few black cops you see the ‘n’ word over and over, while you wave the confederate flag, rummaging through files, stealing laptops, taking peoples files and decorations, climbing into the senate or house chamber, overturning tables and chairs, leaving heaps of garbage…

That is sedition. That is insurrection. That is not ‘caught up in a moment’

Your whole life listening to Trump and his enablers is based on lies, and hate. That is why it resulted in the very thing you say you believe in being tarnished, damaged, and very nearly broken. (Freedom).

You need to re-examine how your beliefs led you to invade our nations capital like a Vandal or Gothic Tribe, with others of your ilk who came for literal blood, and why you are now part of a dangerous and growing insurgency, that is cancer to our country, and very well may lead to many more people dying. Stop listening to white rage radio, stop allowing people who hate your guts and could care less if you live or die to pull your strings like an automaton.

You weren’t caught up in a moment. You were/are in a cult, where the leader doesn’t care how many people get hurt as long as he is still loved. You were “caught up being what you are”, a riotous dangerous criminal in the midst of an attempt to end democracy, and usher in mob rule.” Source

Or said in my favorite Dave Chappelle bit, Chivalry is dead, and…

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Frazil Soul

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Icy roots, frazil, ice rivers. Freezing ice.

Frazil Soul:

Turbulence disturbs my inner soul.

Frazil needles pierce its boundaries.

Grey skies dampen optimistic energy.

Can’t you see I’m freezing to death?

What hope is there in this ocean blizzard storm?

No ships, no ice to climb on, no way out.

I can’t tread much longer in this freezing ocean.

In the waters below, death in a black abyss.

Above water and all around us, a blizzard you can’t see through.

Where’s the rescue boats?

Where’s the meaning of life in this disaster?

Where’s the rescue boats?

Is this how it ends?

Swim on. Might as well persist until you can’t.

Swim on, blind, numb, and afraid. There’s nothing to do but survive.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

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100 Followers & Updates!

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Actual place in Washington state, Stop Semen Sock! 🤣
This is an actual place in Washington state…

100 followers!

Thank you everyone for following the blog! Thank you!

Post days for 2021:

After a grueling posting marathon in December, I’m returning to posting twice a week. Saturday and 1 day during the week which I haven’t decided yet. I need to do some research to decide the best day to blog other than Saturday. This will depend on the next job I get and it’s schedule.

This has been a hard week, with a good job ending on Monday, and I was broken up with. Naturally, I’m depressed and feel like shit today. I need to catch up on blogs I follow since I let that slide last month. I feel I’m still in the process of discovering of what to write about. I’m getting really fed up of the minimum wage lifestyle, so blogging for a living… With all of its work feels far better to do for work than being a wage slave. College is a possibility in the future, but I am not doing anything else online.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Single and Unemployed on the same day

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Throwing a paper plane to the moon, wishing for a better life
Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

Unemployed

Oh man, I didn’t want to go to work today. Didn’t get enough sleep, felt hungover, and all I could manage to eat my usual morning almond milk-coffee, and a mason jar of water. I feel like I could have used another 3 hours of sleep all day.

Despite feeling off today, work was great. It was smooth as hell, and the full canning run went great. Only 2 cases were off from 4 massive pallets. I sprained my left wrist, but it’s no big deal. Should heal in a few days. This was likely my last day working at Cleen Craft, but who knows. Maybe misc on call warehouse work in the future. Maybe the last time I’ll see my coworker again. He was a cool dude, hard worker, and an effective trainer. By the end of the day, I was tired and sore but felt satisfied. It didn’t feel like the end, more a semicolon than a period. This hasn’t hit me until right now, as I write this three hours later, comfortable in typing this at my desktop pc.

Single

About a day later, I can say I felt like coming. Contact wasn’t happening as much as it was even a week earlier. I thought she was just busy with work. There were other problems, but I don’t have the clarity of mind to talk about it today. We had a curt chat since yesterday was supposedly her birthday. I offered her well wishes, and she responded with 1 word answers. Which was a huge flag there. She wasn’t much of a talker before this, so I knew something was up. As I got home, and was about to take a shower, she sent me a text with this message:

I think we should break up.

I said: Why? No response. Sent: “I’m either all in or all out. What’s your thoughts on why we should end it?”

I took a shower and came back to my phone, waiting for a response. Nothing to anything I sent after 26 minutes. I wasn’t going to wait around for someone who started a a serious conversation over text to break up, then stonewall. Fuck that bullshit. 26 minutes is enough time to answer why it should end. Or say ANYTHING in response. That is disrespectful. I don’t play these games. Pfft. Don’t give me that.

First of all, its cowardly and immature to say “we should break up”. No this means that the person who says this wants to break up. No discussion before of problems she had. Honestly looking back, she was shady and I felt not as honest I was in this relationship. The state of the relationship made me uncomfortable and insecure. I felt she was constantly pressing my boundaries, and trying to change me into something I’m not, despite me saying I didn’t want to do x or y. Many times it felt like pulling teeth trying to get to know her. As time went on, the situation felt fishy, and something felt off.

It sucks, but I think I dodged a bullet. I feel like this a day later…

Like a Rolling Stone:

Well, some relationships are practice for the real thing. Honestly that shitty ending is making it easier to move on, but we will see. Grief has it’s own clock.

Maybe it wasn’t the right time for me to date yet. I need to figure out what to do for work, and a long term career. Well, I learned a bunch of important lessons in this short relationship. No text only relationships. I learned that my boundaries are much stronger than I’ve assumed, and that I can handle myself. Trust your gut. Love is not enough. You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. (Well, I’ve known that last bit for years. It was important to have it reinforced.) If it feels too good to be true, it likely is. Nobody is worth your own peace of mind.

At the least, all my effort the past year to learn about relationships has paid off. I recommend anyone that wants to learn more about modern dating to watch this youtube channel, hosted by dating coach Susan Winter:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8Jb8Z7yJS9mXqF37Dcm2HQ

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

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2021 is here… Now what?

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Source

Happy 2021! Out with the old, in with the new…

It’s a new year, but the problems remain. I’m the same person I was a day ago. My life still sucks. I don’t know how to fix it. Do I even want to fix it? The world sucks, and feels like it always will. Warning: Self loathing.

So, what now?

Where do I go in life from now on? What does that mean to me? What does that mean for the blog? Who am I, and who do I want to be? Honestly I just want to be.

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

Alan Wilson Watts, The Culture of Counter-Culture: Edited Transcripts

Why bother dating?

So, I am 95% sure the person I’ve been seeing online is a catfish. They won’t do a video chat, or set a time to do one. I’m giving this relationship 13 more days before I make a final decision. She did say she wants to meet in person soon, so if that doesn’t happen within that time period, I’m out. This time, maybe for good with all dating. Online dating for sure.

(Please not be true! Man I’m depressed and lonely 😐 )

At the minimum, I’m not trying any more. And since I’m a straight man, that means never again since women don’t initiate. In my limited experience with this, it means they might flirt… But be so subtle about it, that I don’t notice. Which I miss every time due to being on the autism spectrum.

Why bother dating? It requires a bunch of work, and I’d have to change for questionable benefits. Why bother learning anything at all? All it results in is more responsibility and accountability. Dating is work. I don’t care much for meeting new people. I hate the process of dating.

All I need to do is find a way to get rid of my sex drive and desire, and finally I can be free of this suffering. Life will be so much better without that. Yes this is far better than the process of dating and change. Being A-romantic and Asexual sounds awesome. While those things aren’t a choice… I sincerely wish I was those. I’m tired of having feelings and needs related to dating. It’s not worth the effort any more. It’s been a consistent bad investment.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-fold-bad-investments-in-relationships-seeing-the-bigger-picture/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-ready-to-date-can-you-handle-it-going-somewhere-but-equally-can-you-cope-with-disappointment/

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/self-esteem-in-a-nutshell-when-you-believe-youre-not-good-enough-to-drive-your-own-life/

I guess I’m not ever going to be ready to date. Dating makes me crazy. I don’t want to work on myself anymore. I don’t want to be or do anything. I only work on self esteem because I feel obligated to. Being alone is far better than not. So once again, I’m opting out. Whatever.

Why bother working?

My only purpose is to pay bills. I don’t want anything else. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t work for money ever again. I’m not rich, so I have to do something to earn money and get by. I want to go to work, do the work, and come home. I want the work day to end when I clock out. I don’t want over time, and I’m not ambitious. Money is annoying. I hate having it, and hate acquiring it. This is who I am, and I’m not changing. The only possible benefit from working is to potentially meet people for friendships. The problem is: Working isn’t a choice. Well, not a fair choice. And I have to do this until I die? Ugh.

Well that was cheerful…

This is the real me. Lazy, selfish, not worth anything. I don’t deserve anything. Life is bullshit, and for some reason I don’t understand, I still get up every day. Fantasy is better than reality. Man I’m tired of whining. I’m tired of things not working out. I’m tired of struggling…

Starting after tomorrow, I’ll be blogging twice a week.

While blogging every day (except for the days I missed last month) was an interesting experience, I learned that I don’t want to do it every day. I felt like the quality of writing was slipping. I felt that I was missing out on the social aspect of commenting on other blogs, and connecting with people. I don’t know what I want from blogging, so for now, it’ll remain a hobby. This blog will remain a way to consistently write, be vulnerable, and track improvement. 75 posts in and I still don’t know what this blog adventure is, so I’ll continue the random overshares until i figure out what this is.

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