I need to let go of some things from earlier this year. It was wrong of me to blog about the friendship fallout online. So, I am deleting all the related posts. (It is possible to do harm with a bad apology.) What served me in the past, is not who I want to be in the future. Our present becomes our future selves. Keeping those posts online is only keeping the past alive.
“In the Tao Te Ching it says: By letting go, it all gets done” This is how the meditation below begins. Since I found this meditation on Spotify, I’ve began to use to sleep every night since July.
Therefore I must change. To begin by removing and editing the posts that talk about this relationship. From now on I’ll keep these things private. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I chose to break up. I said that I would keep my word and move on, and I haven’t. It was cruel and immature for me to vent about this online. I regret doing this, and am ashamed that I did this. It’s time to move on. I hate how things ended. This is reality. It ended how it did, and I can’t change that. It’s in the past and will always be a small part of me like every other experience I’ve had. I don’t know what she wanted of me, but I don’t need to know. I didn’t want to end it. All I know is that for my own health, for my own future, it was time to move on. You give yourself closure. No relationship lasts forever. No one is entitled to a friendship with you. We weren’t compatible for any future relationship. That chapter of life is over. I did her a favor.
In order to step forward in life, I need to stop shooting myself in the foot every time I make a mistake.
“Apparently, the Buddhists say that any time we suffer misfortune, two arrows fly our way. The first arrow is the actual bad event, which can can, indeed, cause pain. The second arrow is the suffering. That’s actually optional. The second arrow represents our reaction to the bad event. It’s the manner in which we chose to respond emotionally.”
My new siamese kitten, Coconut sleeping in the curtains like a hammock!
It’s been a great week! sorry for the late post!
Sunday:
I hung out with my friends D & J, who I haven’t seen in person for 6 months! We wore masks and did a distance visit. His birthday was last month, so I brought a present, and it was a blast! It was like we picked up where we left off last time. We’ve kept in touch over texting, but it’s just not the same as visiting in person. If it wasn’t for the pandemic, I wouldn’t have reconnected with old friends, family and new friends. It took this awful situation to show how much I miss people in my life. While my socializing is mostly limited to Facebook, I’m grateful to have it.
Chicken Adobo with sauteed Bok Choy and Jasmine rice.
Last week I wrote how I felt burned out, despite my life being really privileged and easy compared to others. Coming into 2020, my goals were to continue my journey of personal transformation into the person I want to be. It’s been a difficult year for all of us in the world. Corona virus or not, that is life. I am discovering the things I need to work on, and building on my strengths. This doesn’t end for any of us. So, in order to continue to grow, I’m going back to what I am good at, which is cooking. Like walking, everyone has to learn how to cook. Despite growing up in a family of cooks, I wasn’t interested in it until after high school. Until I was 19, all I knew with cooking was: baking cookies, and making chili. Chicken Adobo was one of the first things I learned in college from my fellow Filipino classmates. This recipe is a comfort food, and delicious any time of the year. Without further ado, here is my recipe for Chicken Adobo (because I know I’m annoyed when people have a personal story before a recipe) :
Chicken Adobo:
Six Servings, Cooking time: 90 minutes.
(Metric to imperial notes: 2oz is 1/4 cup; 8oz is 1 cup; 15ml is 1 tablespoon)
3 pounds chicken thighs, skin on;
2oz sunflower oil;
2 large onions, about 1 pound weight, sliced;
2oz grated ginger
2oz minced garlic
8oz soy sauce
8oz apple cider vinegar
4oz apple cider vinegar (Added at the end to hit the right sour notes)
1 quart chicken stock
4oz water
15ml Sriacha hot sauce
15ml chili paste
30 ml fresh ground black pepper
30ml kosher salt
30ml black peppercorns
3oz packed brown sugar
2 bay leaves
The juice and flesh of 1/2 lime. (Added in at the end with the 4oz apple cider vinegar)
Start by sprinkling the kosher salt and ground black pepper on one side of the chicken thighs. In a large pot pour in the oil, and set the heat to high.
In the middle of sprinkling the kosher salt on the chicken thighs.The chicken thighs seasoned on one side. I find it useful to do this while they’re in the package.
Place the seasoned Chicken thighs side down into the hot pan. Carefully place each thigh in the pan with tongs. You want to leave a little space between as seen below so the facedown side is browned. This step is to build flavor from the browned skin.
You want the cooking oil to be so hot that smoke rises. This is what you want to see in the pan after carefully placing the seasoned Chicken in. Note if you place the chicken in with your hands, wash them!
Once the chicken is in the pot, season the other side with the kosher salt and ground black pepper. Cook on high for 8-10 minutes.
A pretty good metaphor for having depression, and struggling to write.
977 words.
This week it makes perfect sense. I’ve already posted twice, on Sunday, and Tuesday for the One vote in Seattle posts. On Monday I went with my mother on a trip to Mount Rainier National Park, on the Sunrise area.
Photo of Mt. Rainier from the wonderland trail.
If you haven’t been there before, it truly is spectacular. This was only the second time in my life I had been to Mt. Rainier, and that was when I was a teenager and didn’t appreciate it.
More information about Mount Rainier here on it’s website:
In all, it was a day trip from Seattle. I almost made the mistake of driving there with only a half tank of gas. By the time we arrived at the entrance, the tank was on empty. Which meant driving back 40 miles to Enumclaw to get gas, because we also missed the only gas station nearby. If we had continued on, we would have ran out of gas on the windy 10 mile climb up the mountain pass to the Sunrise visitors center.
On a clear day, you can see Mount Rainier from town. Of course as I write this, it’s a typical overcast day in Seattle. The classic stereotype of Seattle is that it rains a lot, but in reality, its mostly daunting overcast grey skies. There is a reason why Grunge, Starbucks, and why pot was legalized here.
While summers are usually warm and sunny, it’s days like this that get to you here.
So, though I truly enjoyed the trip to Mt. Rainier, and the escape from the city, and the same surroundings for walks… Between this and the two long posts, I’ve been physically and emotionally exhausted this week. I haven’t driven this much since I drove to Yakima to visit family with my mother.
I been feeling guilty because I’m unemployed and haven’t really done much to feel I’ve earned the right to be exhausted. Fuck, I’m tired of being isolated. I’m tired of feeling lost in life. Before 2020, my life was just starting to turn around. I had a job, I had a career direction, I made new friends, I was starting to save money to move out, and I felt ready to date. Now I feel I’m going backwards.
The good news is that I do have savings, though how much will depend on how long the pandemic lasts in the U.S. . I did have an interview for a job a little while ago, but I wasn’t hired. It’s hard to apply to work where you will lose money compared to unemployment benefits + my awesome state insurance, Applecare. All I qualify for is minimum wage work, and that rarely offers health insurance. When it does, it barely or doesn’t cover medications or therapy. So that’s $300 out of pocket a month right there. That’s without considering the brutal job market right now.
I am interested in going back to school, but I don’t know what I want to do, and college is expensive. In person classes are up in the air right now. I’m wary of more online stuff because I already feel I’m addicted to the internet between streaming, Reddit, and Facebook. I don’t want to live this way. I’m anxious of growing the blog through social media for this reason.
I have made progress this year with dating. Though both attempts led to rejection. The first one was an end to a relationship, and the second merely bad timing. I tried Hinge out for a couple hours this week, and I already hate it. Clearly I’m not ready to get back into dating. (I already went and paused that profile.) Yeah… I know that is barely any time invested. Dating is like having a job these days.
It’s hard to have faith when you aren’t religious, and your dating history is a big shutout online and in real life. Well, I’ve had a handful of dates before. Of the 5 official dates I’ve had, 2 were awful, and 3 were okay to disappointing. Between that those times, I wasn’t really emotionally available to date. (Admitting this is probably a mistake…) Life would be so much easier if I was asexual and a-romantic, but I’m not either of those things. I don’t mind being single or being by myself. I dunno, maybe this is another grass is greener thing.
Online dating in a nutshell.
I am grateful to still have friends, but the loneliness is getting to me. Texting and Facebook only help so much. It’s been months since I’ve seen friends in person.
In short, I’m burned out.
“What is burnout?
Burnout is a state of chronic stress that leads to:
physical and emotional exhaustion
cynicism and detachment
feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment
When in the throes of full-fledged burnout, you are no longer able to function effectively on a personal or professional level. However, burnout doesn’t happen suddenly. You don’t wake up one morning and all of the sudden “have burnout.” Its nature is much more insidious, creeping up on us over time like a slow leak, which makes it much harder to recognize. Still, our bodies and minds do give us warnings, and if you know what to look for, you can recognize it before it’s too late.”
I am really drawing a blank. I’m frustrated that this post is late, and I apologize for that. So here is a funny meme I found yesterday:
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The time to change the world is here. It is currently 1:19pm PST and I have less than 6 hours to finish this piece in time for the 8pm PST deadline. I haven’t voted myself as I write this. Time to pull out the evolving Spotify playlist I use to pump me up! Time to work…:
One vote in Seattle part 5
2020 has been a crazy year made worse by poor voting decisions made in 2016 when Trump was elected. I sure didn’t vote for him. Yes, it’s only the state primary election, but your decision on who to vote for can start to alter the future. While the November election will have the world watching who Americans choose for the next POTUS between Joe Biden (D) and Donald Trump (R), the real foundational changes will be at the local and state level.
During this covid-19 pandemic, here in America, we have seen the results of leadership or not between the 50 states. Ignoring the expert advice by Virology and Scientists, who devote their lives to understanding disease, because the goes against your political beliefs… Is like Democratic President Barack Obama ignoring the attacks on 9/11. The right wing would be furious, and rightfully so. This is what it feels like as a Liberal in America right now.
For people in some states, you can not vote and die, or stand up for yourself and vote. You can choose to vote someone in who actually cares about your life over politics, over the fucking economy. It’s vote or die!
This is part 4 of a series of posts covering the candidates for governor in the WA state primary election. Here is part 1. Holy shit I’m only on 16/37 of all the candidates. What the fuck was I thinking? For those that have read the previous three posts, I apologize for not posting yesterday and promising I would. I was burned out after Friday’s post. I’m also frustrated at myself for not doing a small writeup. Now I have to finish this series in the next 2 days. While the in person drop off for ballot boxes is the same day on Tuesday, August 4th, the deadline for mailing the ballots is by tomorrow, August 3rd. Warning: post gets weird. 2527 words.
Since I discovered the Spotify embed in the WordPress editor last post, I’m going to change the format of future posts to have the music in the beginning. This week, I’ve been getting back into Incubus again. Back in the late aughts and early 2010’s, I used to have them on heavy rotation on my Microsoft Zune.
Edit: Damn, I thought I still had my Zune in a storage box, but I couldn’t find it!
Overall impression: A classic example of a candidate that has been in the politics game a long time. Election experience as a party delegate this year, along with military, professional, and community service experiences. In short a career activist on the path to being a politician. A bit over the top with statement tone and word choice. Maybe I’m nitpicking.
Weird stuff: (I figure it’s better to combine “Statement flaws + things that stand out” into this from now on)
Anyway… Weird stuff: “Multidisciplinary Studies at The University of Hard Knocks; Post Baccalaureate Graduate Studies in Business Administration, Healthcare Management, Law and Accounting” So, did he get a degree after his Bachelors, or is he bullshitting us by listing the classes he took, but didn’t go ahead and finish his degree? Probably bs, based on this cringy detail Multidisciplinary Studies at The University of Hard Knocks. Ugh.
“as Washington State Governor, I would most likely sign that reform, given my sense of it, as the next step for healthcare as an unalienable right.” Why are you wasting my time with most likely… AKA maybe? I’m already leaning Maybe No towards choosing you. “Our pandemical tsunami has changed the lay of the land.” GROAN.
“In my mind, it really is Full Mobilization, All Hands, Non-Profits, Profits and Government needed, urged, coached and inspired.” What the hell does this mean? Other than empty bullshit, once again.
“I will establish a Kitchen Cabinet concept in Office of the Governor” Lol, wut?
Yeah, I’m sure he meant this.
“Onward. We already have top quality, volunteers waiting in the wings.This is our home. We want, We deserve more. Putting People First, Keeping People First. It short, I want the good, better and best angels of our nature, fully mobilized, not the ugly, worst and flawed earth angels of our nature. My apology for long-winded polemic, but you did press the on button and it worked.The only limits to our realizations of tomorrows will be our doubts of todays. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.” Um…. Why is this familiar to me? Oh I know!
Needless to say, this strange turn is not going to convince me to vote for him.
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