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After applying and waiting 7 weeks…

I was denied unemployment. I screwed myself by quitting that job I had for a week in May. I could appeal, but I doubt it would change the outcome because quitting because “I didn’t like the job” isn’t a reason to qualify for unemployment. I sent them a message for clarification, but it looks like it’s decided that I can’t qualify again for seven weeks from May 5th and earn seven times my benefit amount. That isn’t a large amount of money, but now I have to settle for a job to make money. Which, I have to be careful because I’ll lose SNAP benefits due to the new work requirements attached to the recent debt limit bill. Sure, there are some ways I can still get SNAP without working, but that doesn’t apply to me.

I get that you need some requirements for the government programs, but this doesn’t feel right. I work at one job for almost two years, have to resign due to my poor health, then quit another after a week because it isn’t the right fit and I get nothing after waiting seven weeks and doing what was asked? While millionaires, billionaires, and giant corporations make my total benefits in like 30 minutes if that? Wtf!

Okay, focusing on my actions, yes, I did quit a job after a week. I don’t understand why it has equal weight to the job I had for twenty-two months. I wouldn’t even be eligible for benefits because I wasn’t there long enough.

God dammit.

I was really hoping to get unemployment until I started school in September. Benefits would have ended because I was going to school, and I would have had to find work that fits my school schedule. On one hand, I’m no longer contained by the rules of looking for work unemployment requires in Washington state. On the other, I have to find work and act like I’m not just there for the paycheck. But I have to sacrifice 30-40 hours of my life, plus travel time and self-care outside of it, just to survive. On minimum wage or entry-level work. Most of which I can’t now physically handle. Assuming that I still have the same body I had two months ago. And the same mental ability I had years ago when I worked in restaurants as a cook.

Wtf, am I doing with my life? How did I fuck up so bad that I’m forced to still work entry-level, minimum wage work at 37?

No wonder I’ve been depressed most of my life.

I have no “Why.”

I hate putting on the work mask and acting like a different person than I am. While I probably was the most like my natural self at my last major job, that’s probably not going to happen again.

I hate having to pretend I’m a loyal employee of the corporation, which I know would cut me in a minute if it was profitable.

I loathe playing the politics every job requires to fit in.

But it’s all I got. I wish I had different skills that had value in capitalism but this is who I am.

I am a failed man of middle age living with his mother with nothing going for him. Awful at dating and relationships, nearly worthless at work, had no special skills, no hobbies that could save me, no one to talk to, no purpose, failed at therapy and was a replacement-level white man.

I hate being part of this pyramid scheme system which is slowly veering toward a preventable explosion. Knowing enough to see what’s wrong but not being able to stop it.

I’m so tired of feeling ashamed of myself.

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