I just made the same mistake twice and over-shared on a blog post. I took that post down now. I had a bad feeling and reread that post. I was disgusted. That post could have caused problems. I’m was best to trash it. Something just didn’t feel right. Maybe I’m overthinking again.
I’m sorry about that.
I need a break from blogging. A mental health break from blogging. I need to clear my head. Been a lot going on with my family. I’m scraping by mentally. Feeling emotionally exhausted.
I have some therapy assignments as a new weekly goal. Going to the park twice a week, going to meetup.com, and more. I’m doing this for my own sake. I chose to commit again to therapy. I’m in therapy to heal, learn, and change. I need to remind myself that this is what I want.
This post originally had a different title, but after adding this photo it made sense to name it as it is. Because I work in pot, and I tripped up in a “pothole”.
Made a classic rookie mistake… Overshared an email.
Song one of the post: Shame, Shame by Foo Fighters:
This week I made a big mistake at work. It is my fault, and I accept the consequences. I sent an email about an issue and sent it to too many people. I am breaking the chain of command. As a result, losing face with upper bosses due to the timing and content of the email. This message should have been limited to specific people, and I overstepped the lines of my job. Thus, I had a verbal warning meeting (from context, I believe this is the case) about how and why I messed up. This is the first time in my working life that I have had this happen to me. A conduct meeting about my actions as a manager (This being my first manager job) and the consequences of my efforts on the company. I am working on drafting an apology and prepared to make amends for anything my supervisors want me to do or not to do. I know that the best apology is changed behavior. Hopefully, this can be an excellent first step to repairing this relationship.
Coincidentally, I was off work yesterday and today because I scheduled the Covid booster for April 14th, about what I assume is three months after I first caught Covid. This time off couldn’t have come better with things hot at work. I have been thinking hard and reviewing past mistakes to see if there is a pattern of behavior that I need to improve.
I originally had a paragraph focused on past job mistakes that I deleted. I was in a writers knot and decided to catch up reading blogs I follow, and this gem of a post by Anthonia’s Blog was perfect timing:
So flagellating myself online and shooting the second arrow at myself isn’t productive. That is not who I am anymore, and I have had enough of hurting myself and others this way. By staying in the past, in pain, I am not growing, I am not healing, and I am not living in the present.I am not moving forward.
Everyone makes mistakes. It is an unavoidable part of life. All I can do is choose my response and choose my behavior.
Learning Boundaries by example.
Boundaries and communication is a skill I am working on. It’s been a life journey.
This situation has me feeling cautious about how to proceed to communicate. I think I’m on thin ice and need to be careful how I respond. On the one hand: I want to demonstrate through words that I understand what I did, take accountability by apologizing with amends, and how I will proceed going forward at work. On the other hand, I want to respectfully stand up for myself, ask follow-up questions, and respond. A core of this problem is miscommunication. For now, I’m sad and mad.
Though I am upset and let down by myself for my mistake and the verbal warning, what hurts most is finding out that my job is different than what was initially told to me. My company made this new position, I assume, for me after I was moved after three weeks at my previous post. I was told I’m better suited for analytical work and that this would be a lateral move. It’s not. It’s to a lower position, a clear step-down, essentially what I assume is an assistant manager role. Which is not what I was told and not explicitly said. This was after I asked for clarification from my boss since the job description was light. I feel irritated and misled as I think this should have been crystal clear. Now I am underneath the department in which I was previously manager. That is something that should be said at the beginning. I’m disappointed because I can’t trust or see those above me the same as before.
Silver lining.
This situation has its upsides. It allows me to see how to set boundaries and fairly communicate them to others. It has shown me my job and not what I assumed it was. It has made me ask myself: What do you want? It reminded me of what I am at this job for. It is a job and a place I enjoy working at. It is a conditional relationship. Therefore…
I am staying, but I am adjusting. I am refocusing my energy on my job duties and life instead of work. I will do the job to the best of my ability as I currently am, but I will use that excess energy on things in my life that need it. I have neglected important aspects of my life to focus on work, and I have pushed those thoughts aside. I did need that time to master this new position, but that time has passed. From now on, I will only do what is in my job description, nothing else. That is the impression I get from work, so that is what they get.
Some posts are a reflection of my well being for the day posted, and others are my feelings for that week. The last post was how I felt on the 25th. While I struggle with depression, thanks to my commitment to mental health, the depressed days are happening less and less. I thank therapy, medicines, and changing my unhealthy behaviors/thoughts as the reasons why I’ve grown so much this year. I am suffering less from depression because I am fighting it. I have this wall that I can’t overcome without proper medicine regarding depression. Half is something that can only be managed with the anti depressant I take. It took me trying 12 others (Which breaks down to 1-3 months adjusting to the medicine, another 1-2 to taper down if it doesn’t work to avoid nasty side effects, rinse repeat. Add in the horror of the cost of some medicines, and American health insurance companies being selfish monsters, and its a nightmare. This makes working for bettering your own health a battle against two enemies, your condition(s) and the healthcare system.) before I found the medicine that my body responds to, that works. Depression is a medical condition that happens in our brains that changes the hormones it produces. Having depression is like having a constant bully that is yourself, that knows all your weaknesses and insecurities, and does everything it can to stop you from being better. Just like the classic Sun Tzu quote from the Art of War, it’s a losing battle of attrition.
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War
So, I’m not going to quit writing or blogging. My body is telling me that I need a break to recharge, so after this post I am going to take a break for a couple weeks. I’ll keep people up to date on the blog Facebook page.
Gratitude:
Sometimes what you need is a helping hand to help you. Yes, we need to be self sufficient and stand on our own. That said, everyone needs help at times. So I want to give back by acknowledging these people:
First I would like to recognize my Mom. While we live together and can drive each other crazy at times… She is always there for me at my worst. She taught me how to be an advocate for my health for me before I could. I would not be here without her. She checked up on me that night as soon as she read the post. She told me again that I can always talk to her, and that she cares for me. Thanks Mom!
Second is my lifetime friend and brother from another mother, Gus. He sent me an awesome email -The first fan mail sent to the blog email! – Checking up on me, relating to the post, and empathizing with the struggles I wrote about. I feel this summary diminishes how touched I was to read his emails and what it means to me that he did that. I want to keep this private. In it’s place I feel that Gus deserves more recognition as a modern day renaissance man with serious chops as a musician (You can check out his album on Bandcamp here) and as a writer for the South Seattle Emerald here.
Third is blogger Olivia. I am a little shy to say that I follow and enjoy her because it’s a NSFW BDSM blog. You know what? I’m a 34 year old man and I have needs. Erotic literature is one way to satisfy this… Anyway, she left this nice comment, and sent an email!
Olivia, thank you for the lovely email! I am so touched you felt concerned for a total stranger and my well being! It’s the first fan email from a blog follower! 😀
Last but not least! Is blogger nopassingfancy. In her own words from her gravatar:
I never thought that online comments and email would make me so happy!
One gift that 2020 has taught me is that there are good people in the world. it would be a crime not to appreciate this. I hope I didn’t miss thanking anyone in previous post comments…!😬 If I did, please forgive me.😷 Thank you everyone who comments and follows the blog!
Post continued below…
Good old Facebook memes that describes me lately!
My fellow Americans, the election is on November 3, 2020 in 5 days! Don’t forget to Vote! Here is how to register and find how to in your state!:
Positives. I had my second full shift of work yesterday at my new job at Clēēn Craft. My job is to pack cans of hemp infused sodas into cardboard trays from the canning machine and onto wood pallets for orders. It’s a physical, repetitive job, but I like it! For now the job is seasonal, one day a week with potential to grow into more depending on sales of our products. I like my coworkers, and I feel I am keeping up with work, doing well despite mistakes. The job is the challenge I need. It’s nice to give all I have to succeed one work day at a time. After being unemployed since January, it’s nurturing to work at a job I like.
If you would like to try the sodas we make, you can get them on Amazon here:
Based on the last blog post, I need a break from blogging. Life has been tough the past month. I didn’t realize how tough until working through it in therapy on Wednesday and Thursday. This October I: had a covid test to be safe (It was negative but I had to wait a few days for results), Had to bring Coconut to the vet for the first time, had a job interview over zoom that went well but I did not get, had a job interview for a job I did get, start a new job after being unemployed for 8 months, and do all this while grieving my grandfather’s passing. All that without the stressful shitstorm that the U.S. is right now. It’s no wonder I crashed this past week.
While 2020 has been a year of inner growth, it’s felt like hell at times. After years of feeling like I’m stuck and not growing as a person despite fighting to be better, my life is progressing. Continuing my quest for my own Holy Grail: being mentally healthy, being accountable, and living a full life. I need to focus on self care, and give myself permission to be human. Rest is as important to action in growth.
A lesson my therapist taught me is to not personalize mental illness. Don’t say: “my depression”, say: “the depression I am experiencing.” This gives power back to you by treating depression as a medical condition that is treatable.
This video is a helpful reminder of depression symptoms, and shows how people without depression can help:
I blog about my feelings, my problems, the mental illness I manage because it’s empowering.
So, why do I blog? Why do I write? What’s the point?
I blog because it helps me work through things. Blogging for everyone to see makes me accountable. I write about my problems because I hope that maybe it will help someone else struggling. To overcome fear, shame, ignorance, and problems, you have to face them. Change is hard. I need a break from blogging. I was reminded of the Cowardly Lion today when “If I were King of the forest” from the Wizard of Oz movie soundtrack. Sometimes all we need is a little Courage. I have three posts planned for the near future, and after that I’ll take a break from blogging for a few weeks.
Music of the post:
Chains and Things by B.B. King
You’ve got a friend by James Taylor
Walk by Foo Fighters
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