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And this isn’t fatigue from Exertional Malaise!

It’s been 18 months, and I am back in the anger phase of grief regarding this chronic illness, Long Covid. I am fucking sick of living with it and tired of the worse news about it as science catches up to understanding it.

Brain fog after COVID-19 has similarities to ‘chemo brain,’ Stanford-led study finds

Long COVID Now Looks like a Neurological Disease, Helping Doctors to Focus Treatments

Long Covid can impair quality of life more than advanced cancers, study says

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Recently I have been unsure if I am recovering. I get brain fog daily and have chronic fatigue flare-ups immediately after doing basic self-care tasks such as laundry, cooking, and cleaning. While I did buy Diablo 4, as I’ve been a lifelong Diablo 2 fan and played Diablo 3 a bit at launch, I can’t play it as long as I did before because the effort wears me out. (Which is probably a good thing)

In short, every activity which requires focus and effort drains me at 2-3 times the speed of a healthy person. This includes blogging, as I now have to write in spurts, then stop and resume later. Because of brain fog, it’s like my mind becomes completely blank. When I try to think harder, the “fog” becomes intense. Push too hard, and I get a headache. As an example, I used to be able to write a post with this current word count (500 words) in a couple of hours—this one, I had to write over four days. And I’ve had ideal conditions to do so, seeing as I’m unemployed.

Yesterday I had a good day at my cousin’s graduation party, but it’s been an outlier day. I’ve tried being positive and not letting fear or negativity dominate my mood. However, I’m struggling. I have like 4-6 hours of energy a day with limitations. Too much physical exertion — which is now basic life tasks such as cleaning, cooking, laundry, or groceries shopping– can be too much, and I have to time doing it when I’m feeling well. My body’s like an old cellphone battery and it feels like the powers draining faster over time.

I know people have recovered from long Covid after 18 months, but it’s getting difficult. It’s hard to have a social life when you can’t predict a chronic fatigue flare-up or brain fog occurrence. Like, I already have serious insecurities about living with my parent at my age with my lack of success and the fear of catching COVID again.

This disease makes it hard to be motivated to get a job because of my health needs, and I do not want to sacrifice myself further for a job where I’ll still be poor, work for a company I don’t give a shit about, and have no life outside of it because I’m fatigued and brain fogged.

I wish I could rest until I recover, but I dunno if that will happen at the rate I’ve been feeling. Being chronically sick sucks.

Well, if you read through this, thanks for letting me rant.

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I am grateful to have my mother help with chores as I’ve been doing much less. Thanks, Mom!

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