I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I shouldn’t be afraid.
Why? It’s Tuesday.
The worst possible things have already happened to me. It was my fault.
Zapped of energy, laying on the couch.
A human anchor.
What am I afraid of?
That I’m too old at 34 to be a good human.
That it’s too late to turn life around.
I’m afraid that I’m crazy. When is it a flaw, and when is it mental illness?
I’m afraid that nobody will love me in a romantic way.
I’m afraid that I will hurt someone. That I won’t be able to handle it.
Anxiety is torture because you think the thoughts above… And the following:
I am enough, as I am now.
I am not a victim. I am capable.
It’s not too late. It’s never too late.
You ain’t too old yet.
You’ve been here before. You’ve handled it well, and not. You are learning from your mistakes.
Everyone is worthy of love.
Being worried about causing harm shows you have empathy. It shows that you are considerate of others.
Everyone makes mistakes. You choose whether to learn from it, or not. It’s your choice.
You know, maybe I’m feeling anxious because the air quality sucks right now.
My kitten Coconut has been sneezing through the day. All the windows inside are shut.
Maybe a month left of summer here in Seattle.
The emerald city is covered by smog.
Last night around 10:30pm, I could smell the smoke rolling in the space between the houses. Smelled like a mix of alder wood and weed.
Fuck it, I want cold rice and pickles.
Time for a cold shower.
Song of the post:
The 54321 Grounding Method
Here is a DBT skill I learned this week. It’s called 54321. So you choose a sense: Taste, Smell, See, Hear, Touch, and noticed that number of things in the room around you with the number until you have calmed yourself.
The 54321 grounding technique is simple, yet powerful. Like gradually attaching anchors to the boat, this method slowly pulls you back to earth.
First, take a moment to become mindful of your breath. Just a few deep breaths invite your body back into the moment, slowing everything down. Then, become aware of your environment.
- Look For 5 Things You Can See: Notice the wood grain on the desk in front of you. Or the precise shape of your fingernails. Become aware of the glossy green of the plant in the corner. Take your time to really look and acknowledge what you see.
- Become Aware Of 4 Things You Can Touch: The satisfyingly rough texture of the car seat. Your cotton shirt against your neck. If you like, spend a moment literally touching these things. Maybe notice the sensation of gravity itself, or the floor beneath you.
- Acknowledge 3 Things You Can Hear: Don’t judge, just hear. The distant traffic. The voices in the next room. As well as the space between sounds.
- Notice 2 Things You Can Smell: If at first you don’t feel like you can smell anything, simply try to sense the subtle fragrance of the air around you, or of your own skin.
- Become Aware Of 1 Thing You Can Taste: The lingering suggestion of coffee on your tongue, maybe?”
More on it here:
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- Still not recovered
- Struck by Seratonin Syndrome
- On short hiatus for health reasons
- I need help moving out.
- It feels like a new chapter is on the way
- Rejected again
- A gift from a reader, and a repaired cellphone.
- Life with Long Covid
- Let’s Cook: How Baked Alaska turned into Dos Leches.
- Potluck at a Pot Company
- A Covid Infection Anniversary
© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.